By:
In: Body Hair Removal, Orgasm, Orgasm denial

I neglected to say that Lion had an orgasm the other night. He’d waited five days. That’s great! It wasn’t far off of my four-day goal. Maybe he’ll have another five-day wait next time. Or I could make him wait a bit longer. My goal is actually to give him more orgasms than he’s had the past few waits. Of course, in doing that, I hope I’m also increasing our communication.

Lion told me this morning that he’s not sure what I’ve been doing when I jerk him off, but he likes it a lot. I guess I’ve taken what he’s told me to heart and tried to figure out how to make it feel the way he wants it to feel. I don’t have the benefit of being able to change based on how it feels to me. In other words, if he were jerking himself off, he’d know that a certain grip either doesn’t work or isn’t working at that particular moment, and he could change it. Unless I get feedback, I don’t know what is or is not working. If I hear him purr or he tells me it feels nice, I know I’m onto something. He’s also been asking me if I can change my grip or move further up. I guess the easy answer is that I’m not sure what I’ve been doing when I jerk him off that he likes a lot.

I’m not sure if it’s quite what Lion was talking about, but I’ve been reminding him he’s getting waxed over Thanksgiving weekend. Is this the same as telling him I like a particular thing? I’m not coming right out and saying I like a hairless Lion. In my mind, I’m building anticipation. I wonder if he sees it that way. He’ll be face up or down, oiled up for a portion of it, and I’ll be running my hands all over him. I think that’s sexy. And I’ve told him I think it’s time for the full-body wax. The only hair left on him will be his head and his arms. I know he likes that a lot. He also gets an oily hand job, at least a portion of one, when it’s time to clean up. We both like that a lot. Maybe I am telling him what I like.

[Lion — Are you? Even in this post, you didn’t say that you like me to be hairless anywhere or everywhere on my body. Do you? Do you like to wax me? I know you are teasing me by saying I’m going to be waxed. That doesn’t say if you like it or not. The only way to tell me that you like something is to actually tell me. Indirect references don’t work for me.]

[Mrs. Lion — Well, I didn’t directly say it but I did say I think running my hands over your oily body is sexy. And I did directly say I like jerking you off when you’re oily. No, that’s not true. I said we both like that a lot.]

[Lion — But you still haven’t said that you like any of the other stuff you mentioned. That feels to me like you don’t.]

By:
In: Life with Mrs. Lion

This blog is our journal. A journal is a regular accounting of thoughts and actions. This journal tells the story of our rather kinky sex life. It also gives us, me mostly, a chance to share what we have learned. It’s not an attempt at a balanced reporting of anything. We also stray off topic when the mood strikes. It’s unfair to judge us or our relationship based on any single post. Some readers tend to do this.

Anyway, The Journal is also a valuable communication link between Mrs. Lion and me. Sometimes the result is a debate that continues in conversations and emails. Other times we respond to one another in posts. In case you wonder why we would use a public forum to discuss personal matters is because it provides an easy-to-reference and permanent place for our discussion. It also may help others with similar issues. Our most recent case in point started with my post yesterday (“Couple Therapy“).

I talked about my difficulty believing that Mrs. Lion has fun with what we do. She sent me an email response that she has written that she likes when my balls hang low, and she enjoys seeing them bounce when she ties them and then jerks me off. She has mentioned this. What she said didn’t quite get to the point I was trying to make. For example, if she says (out loud) that she wants me to bend over so she can see my balls, that would send the message that she has fun with that.

It’s like the two voices you can use in writing. The active voice puts you right in the action. “Sarah grabbed Harry’s balls,” is active voice. “Sarah was happy when she played with Harry’s balls,” is passive voice. Passive voice removes you from what is happening. The same is true with expressions of pleasure. I’ve always believed that telling someone to do something is a very strong way to express that you like it when they do that thing.

When it comes to communicating pleasure, words are sometimes stronger than actions. “I can’t wait to suck your cock,” sends the unmistakable message that delivering oral sex is fun. “Get across the bed so I can suck you” isn’t quite the same thing. The instruction can be interpreted as a request to do something fun or getting a chore out of the way.

I think that Mrs. Lion believes that she doesn’t have to tell me that she likes something. She assumes that I will know she does because she takes action. Words, for me at least, count almost as much as the actions they reference. I realize it is Mrs. Lion’s style. That doesn’t make it any easier for me.

Another example is when I’ve asked Mrs. Lion to read something I’ve written. When she finishes, she says, “It’s good.” That’s it. I have to probe to get more information. I was looking for a discussion of the characters and how she reacted to what they did. I wanted to know if the story grabbed her. I wanted a book review. “It was good,” feels dismissive to me. Mrs. Lion is a very good writer and reporter. She reads a lot. Like sex, reading my work feels like a chore she does for me. I’m grateful that she does, but I’m not encouraged to ask her again.

From her descriptions of work and the people she interacts with, I know she can be richly descriptive and emotional. The fact that she isn’t with me is very problematic. You know how old people sometimes say that they don’t want to be a burden? I don’t either.

By:
In: Mrs Lion Comments

I am a little surprised that Lion doesn’t know what I like when it comes to sex. I’m talking about sex for me. I know we’ve never been the traditional couple. We never gave each other signals. Lion wanted sex every night. He wanted to have an orgasm every night. He never had to initiate because we were always going to do it. I’d do some bondage, CBT, etc., thing to him, he’d be aroused, I’d climb aboard and get my ya-yas, and then, if he hadn’t come yet, I’d give him his ya-yas. Sometimes I’d tell him I wanted anal or oral. If I didn’t want any ya-yas, I’d jerk him off or suck him. At a certain point, whether because of age, weight gain, or the pressures of life, we backed off from every night. Eventually, it got too much for me to turn him on and then get myself ready, so I just took care of him.

If I ask Lion right now what the sure-fire way is/was to turn me on, he’ll say he doesn’t know. I bet he’d say I never told him. Nope. I told him many times when we first got together. He never tried it, and I’m sure, if he remembers my telling him at all, he doesn’t remember now. But, as I said, we’ve never been the traditional couple. I was never good at telling Lion what I wanted. After a long time of his having sex on his back, he didn’t seem to be able to keep an erection long enough to do anal anymore. Apparently, I trained him only to have sex on his back. I did love Lion riding, but it was pretty stupid of me to train him that way. Of course, it was unintentional.

It was also unintentional to train him not to be able to masturbate. Obviously, with male chastity, I don’t want him to masturbate, but for him to be unable to do it was unintentional. Now I can’t ask him to do it for me. Well, I could. And I’m sure he’d be able to do it with some retraining (untraining?), but we don’t want to tempt fate at this point.

I know none of this has anything to do with Lion not knowing what I like. At least, not in the sense that he talks about in his post. I pointed out that I like his balls hanging low and when they’re tied up, so they bounce along when I jerk him off. He says those are passive things. He wants me to tell him what I want him to do. I think that could work for things he wants to be made to do, but they won’t work in other areas.

I gave the example of telling him how to turn me on. That required him to initiate. He says he’s not good at that, so he rarely tried. On a non-sexual level, over the years, I’ve told him that my family ate Sunday dinner and holiday dinners at mid-day. Some weeks back, I mentioned it again. He said he’s always eaten dinner as the evening meal. He agreed to try to eat earlier, although he thought 1 PM was too early. He thought 4 PM was better. Not only did we not eat at 4, but we also ate later than his normal of 6.

What the hell does dinner have to do with what I like when it comes to sex? If Lion won’t let me have dinner when I want it, what difference does it make what I like sexually? I know it’s splitting hairs, but I immediately thought of dinner times when I read his post. Yes, I am irrational sometimes. For some reason, I’m stuck on the correlation between mid-day dinner and being able to tell him what I like. It makes perfect sense to stand on one leg, tilt your head just a bit and squint really hard.

[Lion — The subject of mid-day Sunday dinner isn’t as simple as Mrs. Lion suggests. I spent five years in boarding school. Sunday dinner was always after church at about 1 PM. We had a light dinner at 6 of 7. I’m not against 1 PM Sunday dinner at all. I just said that I normally eat in the evening. Then, I asked if Mrs. Lion wanted to cook at 11 AM on Sunday. She’s normally buried in her iPad until near noon. I’m OK with a big midday meal on Sunday. I’m just not sure who will cook it.]

By:
In: BDSM

Even though we have been together nearly twenty years, I’m still not sure what Mrs. Lion likes when it comes to sex. She’s a very agreeable lioness and generally responds with, “It’s OK,” when I ask her if she likes something. Certainly, that’s diplomatic, but not very informative. She’s never said, “I really like blah.” I don’t remember her ever telling me she likes something unless I ask.

This usually leaves me frustrated. I keep hoping that she will say, “This is fun!” when doing something to/with me. She’s written that she likes sucking my cock. I’m glad about that. I can’t recall any other spontaneous expression of pleasure or interest. I’m not complaining. She willingly does many things I’ve asked her to try. She spoils me.

I think there is a big difference between something done as a service and something fun. I spent over 20 years as a top/dominant. Much of what I did was a service to my partner. I get it. Everything can’t be fun for both partners. Some were. I enjoyed spanking and masturbating my partner. I liked to make her give me oral fun. I liked anal play. I wasn’t crazy about bondage (lots of work for me). I did a lot of it anyway. It’s a big turn-on to bottoms. I liked playing with nipples. Loved those little screams.

Anyway, BDSM was a combination of service and fun. My partners got off when they saw (my erection) or heard that I liked an activity. It made them want more. In fairness to Mrs. Lion, she never tried any of this stuff before she met me. I suspect she could have gone through her life without missing it if she had never gotten involved with me.

We’ve gotten close a couple of times. She likes catching me breaking a rule. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough rules for her to get much pleasure in that area. I’ve encouraged her to make more, even silly ones, just to move the game along. She said she likes Zapardy and Spankardy but hasn’t initiated play in many months. It may be more trouble than fun for her. I invented all of the above. She is probably just accommodating me.

I am not minimizing the value of all this. It works well for me. I’m a happy camper. I’m also smart enough to know that unless there is something in it for her, sooner or later, she will tire of doing things for me. Even if she doesn’t, it’s a drain on her energy and a source of guilt for me. I worry about this a lot.

I tend to initiate any play we have. I don’t do it verbally. Generally, I’m indirect either through email or posts. I hesitate more and more to suggest activities. Lately, even when I do, Mrs. Lion doesn’t act. Again, this isn’t her fault. She’s been having sinus headaches and other pains that get in the way. She’s been more withdrawn from me lately. I don’t know why. It may be what I said earlier. Her service reservoir may be down to the bottom. I can’t blame her. I just wish I could find something we can do that she likes.