Yesterday I had a mini-meltdown. All the payments coming due, the little money left in the accounts, the little money coming in each month, finally got to me. Lion’s staunch defense of paying the rent on time even though that money would go a long way toward keeping other payments from going even further behind made no sense to me. I had to take a little break. It was only a span of a few hours and two unanswered emails. By the time he texted asking if I was ok, I was. I just needed to do a little silent screaming to work things out. Of course, once I told Lion about it he immediately apologized and worried I’d leave him. Nope. Not on your life. I’m in it for the long haul.
Neither of us had gotten much sleep the night before. He was worried about money and his upcoming job interview. I was just having a normal Sunday night of non-sleep. Plus my sinuses have not been a fan of the weather. I decided not to play with Lion. I did, however, make sure my iPad was not constantly on, and we were touching a lot. Holding hands, his hand on my leg, my hand on his chest, etc. He asked if I was ok. He wondered since I hadn’t even tried to play with him. I teased him that I must be spoiling him if he expected to get played with every night. He said he just wondered. And he doesn’t think he’s spoiled. I don’t either. It’s not like he demands or expects things. He requests things and he’s very understanding when it takes me a while to get my head wrapped around them.
Last night was punishment night. He had nothing on his list. And then he did. Well, it’s on for the next punishment night. I was talking and he interrupted. I hate that! When he finished his thought I asked if I could finish. That alone should have signaled that he was in trouble, but I don’t think he got it until I told him he had something on his list for Thursday. I don’t usually react so strongly or so quickly, but it really bugs me when I’m interrupted. And he does want me to point things out to him, right? Well, there you go, Lion.
There has to be a happy medium between the bitchiness of my mini-meltdown and my let-everything-roll-off-my-back attitude. That’s what I need to be more in charge. But I think what I really need is to give it a real try. I have my moments, but have I really ever given it a good try? I keep saying baby steps, but baby steps haven’t gotten me very fair. Maybe I just need to jump into the deep end and sink or swim. Wish me luck.