We are often asked how to convince a partner to start male chastity. Every so often, we offer some ideas. The other night I had a dream that stuck in my mind. In it, I was a sex therapist meeting with a couple. The husband wanted his wife to be his keyholder. She refused but agreed to talk with me. I have no education as a therapist. My degrees are in hard sciences. That doesn’t stop me from practicing in my dream.

I decided to take an unusual approach to this problem. First, I pointed out that male chastity is a game. The husband was a little offended and said he didn’t think it was. I pointed out that games are often difficult and not necessarily pleasant to play. Male chastity and any other power exchange require consent from both players. If he withdrew consent, the game would end.

The husband reluctantly agreed. The wife relaxed a little. Next, I asked about Masturbation. I asked the wife if she thought her husband masturbates. She smiled and said she did. I asked him if she was right. He blushed a little and agreed. I asked her if she masturbated. She was silent for a while but finally admitted she does. Her husband was surprised. He didn’t think she did.

I asked the wife how she felt about his masturbation. She said that she thought all men did it. I pressed for her feelings about it. She admitted that she wasn’t happy that he did but understood it didn’t have to do with her. I asked if she felt left out. She admitted she did.

I asked the husband why he masturbated when his wife was available for sex, even if nothing else than giving him a handjob. He said he didn’t know. I asked the wife if she would get him off anytime he asked. She said that most of the time, she would. Her husband seemed surprised. I asked his wife if she liked watching her husband masturbate. She said she never saw him do it but was sure she would like it. Again, her husband was surprised.

I told them that they had an assignment for the next week. He was only to masturbate when his wife could watch. If he got turned on by porn, he had to go to where she was and tell her he wanted to jerk off. Then, he could get naked and do it. She could watch if she wants. He objected. He said that was embarrassing. I pointed out that if he wanted her to lock up his penis, the first step would be to eliminate private masturbation. He reluctantly agreed. His wife was smiling broadly.

Of course, this session was imaginary, but it brings out a few critical points when considering a sexual power exchange. The first is that the chaste male is surrendering all sexual control to his keyholder. He can’t privately jerk off if he does that. He also has to get used to the idea that she will be watching every time he ejaculates.

His wife never considered her husband’s masturbation in depth. She acknowledged that he probably does it but chalked it off to male private behavior. It made sense to her that if he wanted her to decide if and when he gets to ejaculate, that she would be much more aware of his sexual behavior. While she had never seen him masturbate before, she was almost certainly going to enjoy watching.

The reason this is important when introducing male chastity is simple. Both partners need to learn that their sexual activity is never private. She is always involved in any sexual pleasure he gets. She could do what Mrs. Lion did when I asked her to lock my penis in a male chastity device. She simply made it a rule that I never masturbate. She will provide any release. The male chastity device would train me to keep my hands off my penis. It worked. The last time I jerked off was in January of 2014 while she watched.

This may be too radical for many. Who makes the male ejaculate isn’t really the issue. It’s that he can never decide for himself that it’s time to orgasm. His partner will always be present when he ejaculates. Most women don’t consider making this change a big deal. Almost all men do. That’s why it’s a good first step. He wants male chastity. He has to make the changes. Make sense?

We are tiny creatures on a small planet in an unfathomably large universe. We do what we can to convince ourselves that we control the world around us. Every so often, we are reminded that control is an illusion. Vast forests burn—the earth beneath our feet trembles and cracks. We think we are in control because we can sometimes predict the next cataclysmic event. Recording isn’t controlling.

It’s easy to forget this. In some ways, there is the comfort of living in a world we can’t control. We start our lives with no control over anything, even our own bodies. As we mature, we make more decisions that affect us. As adults, the cycle repeats as we control our children and help them grow and mature. We never forget the selfish comfort of infancy. We also remember how hard we fought to take over control.

There are two conflicting forces inside us: the desire to lose control and to be in control. They emerge in almost everything we do. When it comes to sex, these forces are particularly visible. I’m a good example. I find comfort and fun in surrendering control–well, having control taken from me. At the same time, I am strongly driven to control my world.

These contradictory needs can be confusing and potentially dangerous. Conflicting needs breed neurosis unless they can be channeled. That’s where kink comes in. Compromise is one of humanity’s superpowers. The ability to negotiate and live by less-than-optimum agreements allows civilization to survive.

On a micro level, the same is true of people in relationships. Finding a sweet spot that meets the needs of both partners allows us to live together as lifelong partners. Sex is one of the most difficult areas to achieve this. I’m very lucky. Mrs. Lion and I are truly mated for life. It isn’t that our needs mesh perfectly. They don’t come close. Our secret sauce is our strong need to make each other happy.

For example, as you know, I want to be spanked because it turns me on to think about it. I want Mrs. Lion to punish me with her paddles. She does. So far, it seems that Mrs. Lion is giving, and I’m taking. That’s true. The secret sauce comes in through my strong need for her to use my kink as a way of teaching me to avoid upsetting her.

Obviously, if spanking is a purely sexual activity, nothing will be in it for her other than to make me hornier. We both understand that. When I’m spanked, it is as far from sexual as it can be. If you’ve read our posts, you’ve seen evidence of the damage her paddles do. I like that. I dread being punished. I do my best to avoid repeating behavior that earned me that spanking.

Recently, we’ve begun “just because” spankings. These are scheduled punishments that don’t have a direct behavioral cause. This puzzles some of our readers. It doesn’t seem to make sense to beat me for no reason. Actually, there are some very good reasons.

We discovered that if I avoid earning punishment for more than a couple of weeks, the disciplinary nature of our marriage tends to fade into the background. I “forget” how much it hurts to be spanked, and Mrs. Lion becomes less attentive to my behavior. Inertia sets in. Since the idea of being spanked is sexually exciting to me, the lack of spanking activity affects my interest in sex.

We decided to try “just because” spankings. The idea is that I probably did something wrong that was missed by my lioness. The “Just Because” spanking covered those undiscovered sins. They also recharge my sexual battery. Mrs. Lion is reminded of her role and keeps her focus on my behavior. So far, they are helpful.

Mrs. Lion has a problem punishing me for annoying her. She tends to rationalize my behavior in terms of her mood or things other people have done that pissed her off. In short, I go unpunished. We both agree that one of the most beneficial uses of our disciplinary marriage is educating me on being a better husband.

If Mrs. Lion has a “just because” spanking scheduled and I manage to piss her off, she doesn’t have to work through the difficult process of allowing herself to punish me just for upsetting her. She is going to spank me anyway. She can just tell me that instead of being a “just because” spanking, it is a real punishment for interrupting her. She doesn’t have to feel guilty about being unfair to me.

After a while, the idea is that punishing me for annoying her will be as automatic as spanking me for not setting up the coffee pot. It’s just another routine infraction. I’ll know when she reaches this point when my ten-minute “just because” spanking becomes a fifteen-minute punishment. Mrs. Lion adds five minutes for each additional infraction. The “just because” spanking earns me the first ten minutes. Annoying her adds another five. I hate those extra five minutes!

Domestic discipline is just one marital compromise. We find it very helpful. We have many others. Our goal is to make each other happy. A few extra, possibly unearned sore bottoms is a small price to pay for that.

I admit that before I started writing this blog, I never read other bloggers. The reason was that I didn’t understand what I was reading. The websites I usually read were about specific topics. Articles began and ended. If I wanted to learn about sous vide cooking, I found material that explained what I wanted to know. On the other hand, Blogs seemed to expect that I had been reading posts for a while. The writers seemed to have less direction.

My decision to write The Male Chastity Journal was to let me provide information (see top menu) and journal my sexual adventures. I figured the informational pages would attract readers. I had no idea whether or not people would read the blog posts. Now, in our ninth year, I know. People read both. I suspect that the people who read the articles are different from folks reading our posts. I find myself avidly reading blogs that appeal to me.

What I needed to know before I began blogging is that bloggers have endless reasons they take the time to post. Creating and maintaining a good blog requires a lot of work. It’s not just about creating an online diary. Web design and site maintenance are tasks a blogger faces. It’s true that there are ISPs who do most of that work, but a really good blog is very individual and requires technical ability to make it work.

One assumption I made when Mrs. Lion and I started was that we would go back to review our past. I thought the blog would be a useful reference for us. I was wrong. Neither of us reads earlier posts. We always read current posts, but we don’t go back in time. I thought the ability to see our progress would be very useful. It isn’t. I should have realized that we are recording our lives. Our memories provide all the rewinding we need.

I also assumed that our readers were looking for insights that would help them explore their own kinks. I went out of my way to try to provide instructions. It seems that was a useful choice. What surprises me is that our regular readers enjoy hearing about our day-to-day adventures, even if they are completely off-topic.

Go figure.

Whether or not Mrs. Lion and I read back, we have provided a record of our lives since January 2014. Every single orgasm either of us has experienced is documented. Life events, good and bad, are also in our posts. We’ve strayed wildly. I suppose we would have more readers if we stuck to male submission and orgasm control. We consistently practice both. However, those practices don’t consume us. They are part of our marriage.

Our kinks don’t consume us. We don’t spend our days and nights in heat. Yes, I get spanked. The paddles come out quite often. When they do, I suffer a ten or fifteen-minute spanking. Then it’s over. It’s the same with sex. Mrs. Lion may spend a half-hour edging me. She may shove things up my ass and do other BDSM things to me. When she is done, it leaves 23 1/2 hours to fill with other stuff.

We spend that time doing what vanilla people do. We work and play in non-sexual ways. Surprised? Of course not! Our posts tend to center on the kinky, sexy stuff. That’s our charter. I think that once in a while, we need to remind our readers that we aren’t all about sex and paddles. I’m trying to write a novel. Mrs. Lion goes to work every morning. We have a young puppy who draws blood a lot more often than Mrs. Lion. We laugh and snuggle. We watch TV. And we keep you in the loop. That’s what makes this a blog and not another kind of website.

Monday was punishment day. It’s one of the two designated “just because” spanking days. I was in no shape for a spanking or any other activity. My stomach was acting up. We ended up having toast for dinner on Monday night and for breakfast Tuesday morning. I’m grateful that Mrs. Lion canceled the Monday night swats.

Since Mrs. Lion has become such a proficient spanker, my attraction to being spanked is tempered by the memory of just how much it hurts. Of course, that’s the whole idea. Spankings, even “just because” spankings, aren’t supposed to be anything but painful. I believe they are working. Mrs. Lion is testing different paddles and techniques. She is also willing to let me know that a spanking isn’t “just because” and has converted to punishment for annoying her.

I’m happy to see her doing that. It has always been nearly impossible for her to initiate a spanking for annoying her. It is much easier to assign an already-scheduled spanking to annoying her instead of “just because.” It’s disciplinary evolution. If experience is any indication, it won’t be long before she spanks me as dispassionately for annoying her as she does for me forgetting to set up the coffee pot. I suppose the next evolutionary disciplinary step is for Mrs. Lion to add five minutes to a scheduled spanking if I annoy her.

Speaking of the coffee pot, the “just because” spankings make me a lot more careful about remembering to set it up every day. The last time I forgot, it was on a “just because” spanking day. Mrs. Lion added five minutes to the ten-minute scheduled spanking. It was horrible. I don’t want that happening again anytime soon.

Mrs. Lion has always been happy to assist me in any way she can. I think that as she feels more willing to punish me when I upset her, she also feels more positive about doing things for me. She may not agree, but I detect a general lightness that wasn’t always there. It may be a kind of yin/yang energy exchange. It’s definitely increased honesty about how I affect her. She knows that I want her to punish me if I upset her. Now the twice-weekly “just because” spankings allow her to punish me without making a “special trip” to the spanking bench. We are both profiting.

A big part of caring for each other is being able to communicate annoyance without being passive-aggressive. Granted, paddling me is a long way from just growling. Experience has taught us that, without the recent memory of her paddle, a growl isn’t very effective for either of us. We have to accept that giving me a sore bottom is the best teacher for both of us.