Mrs. Lion said I need structure. She went so far as to write about it in her post yesterday. After reading her post, I told her that I really don’t need structure, that I am very good working in an unstructured environment. I had a strong emotional reaction to her post. I don’t want a list of chores each day. I don’t want to be told to do things I know I hate. I got worried. I felt that I needed to let her know that this would not be a good direction for me. Later, I let her know that maybe I could use the structure a little.
All of those objections were clearly my reaction to her taking further control. I was having second thoughts about what I had started. Mrs. Lion isn’t very secure in her role and she was ready to back down. This morning after she left for work I thought about our conversation and my strong feelings. It’s true, I hate the idea of a list of chores. But the reason I hate it isn’t because it’s the wrong thing for me. It’s because I will be on a tighter leash. Mrs. Lion will go beyond making me do what I want her to make me do. It is moving into the area of making me do what she wants me to do, and most importantly, I don’t want her to do. I am no longer driving the bus.
It’s taken over a year for this day to arrive. It’s not an easy day for me. I’m fiercely independent. I’m nobody’s idea of a submissive. I’m very used to being in charge. But something inside me has wanted to let go of control for a very long time. Now that it is about to happen in a way I didn’t script, I am frightened and struggling against the very thing I said I want. The problem is that I think I did scare Mrs. Lion away from taking the Big Step. She wants me to be happy and I indicated that her latest idea would make me unhappy. In some respects it might. But the simple fact is that I am trying to top from the bottom. I am attempting to design my own submission.
A more subtle example of my attempts to top from the bottom came up last night too. It was punishment night. I had done two things that required correction. Mrs. Lion began spanking me. She was not holding back at all. Each swat hurt like hell. After only three swats, I tried to squirm away. She held her ground and made me get back in position. A few swats later, I was really trying to avoid the paddle. Finally, while trying to roll over, she gave me one more swat. There is no question that I wanted that spanking to end. But I shouldn’t have been able to stop it. If domestic discipline is to work, it has to go way past the point when I no longer want to accept it. Punishment is meant to educate, not provide entertainment.
See the similarity? I only want to be punished as much as I feel I can take. I don’t want assignments to do domestic chores because that represents control over me that will force me to do things I may not want to do. The entire point of FLR and domestic discipline is that I surrender control. Enforced chastity is exactly the same. Mrs. Lion has learned to disregard my need to come and to follow her own plan for my orgasms.
This FLR turning point came quickly. Clearly, Mrs. Lion has learned a lot. She doesn’t need my permission or approval to tell me what I have to do. She has the authority to spank me until she is sure I have learned something. While some consider enforced chastity a sort of game that plays with the fundamental need for sexual release, FLR and domestic discipline isn’t a game at all. I don’t think I have learned that yet. I think Mrs. Lion has indeed figured it out.
It’s ironic that spanking has turned out to be an effective way to punish me. After all, I’ve always liked to be spanked. But that kink only goes far enough to turn me on by spanking play. Domestic discipline isn’t fun for me. From the first swat, I am completely aware that this isn’t intended to be erotic at any time. It’s working. I don’t feel aroused on punishment night. I really don’t look forward to my beating. I find myself trying very hard to avoid repeating my bad behavior. I understand that I will need many more disciplinary spankings before the concept completely sinks in. I have to make some very big changes. I’m sure that Mrs. Lion will see to it that my topping-from-the-bottom days are over. In fact, I may have earned another spanking by trying.