I mentioned a while ago that I may give Lion ruined orgasms every time I play with him just to see how it goes. I decided that this wait was it. He had a ruined orgasm a few nights ago and one last night. I’ve been edging him first, of course. I was thinking about just going for the ruined orgasm right off the bat, but I decided it’s more fun to tease him and not have him know if this is the time I stop. Also last night, I tried rubbing only the bottom of his penis and only on the down stroke. I knew he was sensitive there but I had no idea I could edge him just by rubbing like that. I didn’t quite take it that far but it’s nice to know I can. A ruined orgasm is also good for feeding him his semen. I know he disagrees. He hates the taste. I figure if I’m in the sharing mood then he should appreciate the snack.

I think Lion is still trying to work out how he feels about ruined orgasms. Do they take the edge off? Do they intensify things? Is there no effect? It seems, from what he’s said, that the effect is different at different times. Perhaps he’s less horny right afterwards and then it morphs into horniness and then on to intense horniness. Maybe by the end of this sixteen day wait he’ll have an answer.

As you know, we had a bit of a disconnect the other night when I forgot it was punishment night. Not only did I put reminders in my calendar, but I also made a rule that Lion must remind me by 8:30 pm that it is punishment night. If he fails to do so he gets extra swats. Of course, no extra swats will be added if I remember on my own before 8:30. Last night was a special edition make up punishment night. I sat on him to hold him still and then gave him four hard swats. Afterwards he said he thought he had earned more. I asked if he wanted more and he said no. One of the reasons for so few swats (he should have had many more for making me feel bad that I forgot to punish him) was that it was the first time I sat on him to hold him still and it was an awkward position. I’ll have to find a better way to do it. I’m normally on his right side and this time I was on the left. But there will be many more opportunities to punish him so I can work out the logistics.

Power exchange is a tricky thing. Since it is consensual, it requires both people to agree on how it will take place. Enforced chastity and domestic discipline appear to transfer enormous control to the dominant partner. The fantasies abound with examples of downtrodden subbie husbands living under the lash 24/7. Or, they talk about incredibly long lock ups with no opportunity for sexual release. Of course this is pure fiction. Let’s take a look at how it works out in real life.

The BDSM world is a good place to look to see power exchange dynamics. I’ve been part of that world for decades. Here are a few interesting facts:

  • Most of the toys are purchased by the bottom. Whips, paddles, restraints, dildos, butt plugs, and chastity devices are almost always bought by the person who will receive the benefit of these toys. Tops do buy toys, but not nearly as often.
  • Limits are set by the bottom. This is a proper part of negotiation and any ethical top will solicit and abide by these limits.
  • Bottoms generally push for more control. I know I do. I am impatient to feel Mrs. Lion’s control.
  • Tops are usually very willing to slow down or stop something if the bottom doesn’t want to continue. This, again, is just good ethical top behavior. It flies in the face of the fantasies though.

So, ultimately, who is in control? The very obvious answer is that both partners are sharing that control. Mrs. Lion has the key to my chastity device. She also has the paddles, straps, and other implements of punishment and play. But she isn’t an impersonal disciplinarian. She is my wife and partner. She will only push me as far as she thinks I want her to. But wait! Isn’t she in control? Yes she is, but only within the agreed limits.

That doesn’t mean that she is my wish granter; that she only will do what I want, when I want. No, not at all. She has a great deal of freedom to do things that I will hate at the time she does them. She can take away toys. She can spank me. She can discipline me as needed. She can make me wait as long as she wants for an orgasm. She can also make me come as much as she likes. She can make rules that I have to follow or get punished. See? She has a lot she can do.

But she can only do this as long as I allow it. The governed must consent to be governed. The catch is that once I have agreed to give Mrs. Lion control and to discipline me for displeasing her, I can’t revoke it on a moment’s notice. In our case, we have agreed that I will remain locked up and under her absolute sexual control until March 2016. At that time we will discuss enforced chastity and decide how we will proceed going forward. Until then we are both committed to continue.  The same is true for domestic discipline / Wife Led Marriage. We don’t have a review date yet. We are both trying to understand what this means to us and our relationship. Once we have an idea of the parameters, we will agree on how we will proceed and set a review date.

Within the limits we set, Mrs. Lion has absolute control. But even that control is administered taking into account how what she does affects me. She can and does decide what is best for me. But she also listens to me, perhaps too much, so that she can feel good that she is making me happy. As far as I can tell this is the way almost all enforced chastity, WLM relationships work. I’m glad because what matters most of all to me is that Mrs. Lion is my wife and that we are together. Love drives our power exchange. Love is a pretty good driver.

Last night I forgot it was punishment night. I remembered it was garbage night. I remembered to do all the things I had to do at work before I left for the week. I remembered we needed bread. But I forgot punishment night. And I was pretty sure I would. A few days ago I even said in a post that Lion would have to remind me. He did. At 11:30 pm. His defense for not reminding me sooner was that my post yesterday suggested he was pushing too hard for domestic discipline so he backed way off. That post was merely a regurgitation of a conversation we had on Wednesday night. I’m not sure why he took the post so much more to heart.

I felt bad that I’d forgotten. He felt bad because he didn’t think I was making him a priority. That’s interesting because yesterday I was dreaming of a day off. A day that I didn’t have to do anything. No laundry. No work. Nobody needing anything from me. A day to do anything I wanted to do, or nothing at all. But where is Lion in that plan? How mean of me! A day just for me? Unheard of. And the truth is, I’d probably be bored. But it’s nice to dream. Anyway, back to the punishment.

After he read my post, Lion said we didn’t have to do domestic discipline. He felt bad that he makes me do things I don’t like to do. I told him not to feel bad. I just need to get my bearings and he does tend to go full throttle in the beginning of new things. Maybe if we start out at on-ramp speed and then gradually attain the speed limit. However, I’ve been behind Lion when he’s gone 100 mph on an on ramp. (He had just come off a race track and forgot he was on a regular road again.) So maybe we need to start out in a school zone and work our way up.

This morning I decided that he should be punished for not reminding me that it was punishment night. He’ll get a certain number of swats for the items on the list, a certain number for not reminding me, and a few for being mad at me and not kissing me goodnight. Even after he decided he couldn’t sleep and turned on the tv again, which prompted me to set reminders for every Monday and Thursday through April on my calendar, he still did not kiss me goodnight. He did eventually hold my hand, but it’s not the same. As far as I know he was no longer mad at me so there’s no excuse for missing the kiss. He gets mad at me if I don’t kiss him as soon as I get home from work, even with the lunatic dog jumping around between us. Sometimes he even gets two kisses if he’s forgotten he already gave me one. I think punishing him for it is fair. And who cares if it’s fair or not? I’m the one doling out punishments here.

So tonight there will be a special Friday night edition of punishment. Number of swats to be determined. Restraints may be required. Poor Lion. Not really. He brought this on himself.

Enforced male chastity has been justifiably called a game. I’ve gone back and forth about that concept. After all, it’s no different from poker or other gambling games. There is an opportunity to win and losing hurts. The stakes, of course, are different. What makes this game so exciting to me is that I really care about the outcome. I love to have orgasms. For some, the game is way more interesting than the outcome (pun intended). Like casino games, only the player is exposed to risk. The “house” (keyholder) always wins. The player (caged male), knows this.

If you think about enforced chastity as a game, things can get much more interesting. Unsurprisingly, the “house” needs a reason to provide this game. Most keyholders play because it pleases their partners. That’s a worthy motive. Mrs. Lion plays for this reason. Since this is a long-term game, it would be good if the keyholder has some additional incentives to play. Unfortunately, this is out of the hands of the player: me.

Are there ways a high stakes sex game can be more interesting to the dealer? Perhaps. Let’s start with the assumption that the player (me) is a good husband and is not in need of any obvious behavior modification. That removes “making things better” from the potential list of benefits. I think that if this weren’t true, that we wouldn’t be playing. Similarly, there is no benefit beyond the game itself for the male. There may be a benefit for the relationship. In our case, enforced male chastity has forced us to put our physical relationship front and center. That reason is enough to keep us playing.

Is there a way to make this fun for the house (keyholder)? That depends on the personalities involved. I’ve been thinking about what could make things more fun for Mrs. Lion. Since she isn’t naturally dominant, she won’t have fun by exercising her power. She does it because I need it. Is there anything else? That’s had me stumped for more than a year. You see, Mrs. Lion really likes giving me orgasms, so extending my wait takes something away from her as well as me. Since enforced chastity is about controlling my arousal and orgasm, is there anything else in the game that might be fun for her?

Like most caged males, I am probably not the best person to suggest things that she might like. Whatever I suggest is invariably colored by my imagined reactions to the suggestion. I’ve been trying to tune out my side and think of things from her point of view. I haven’t been doing well at all at this. So instead, I thought I would decompose the game a bit to see if that triggers any new ideas in Mrs. Lion.

Enforced chastity is about time. The assumption is that with some encouragement (teasing) a male will become more and more interested in release the longer he is forced to wait. The players (me) get an increasing sense of loss of sexual control and get frantic for release. We can reach the point where we will do nearly anything for a chance to ejaculate. This is potentially something for a keyholder to use for her own amusement. Another property of my enforced chastity is that I am far more responsive to sexual stimulation. I was very quiet before being locked. Now I find myself much more verbal. I don’t know why, but I am. It could be that I want Mrs. Lion to know how much I love her attention. Could playing with my responses to arousal be an area of amusement? Teasing is an important part of our play. Every other day or so, Mrs. Lion unlocks me and I get non-orgasmic play. I get edged several times before being locked again. Is there something there that could be fun?

I understand that enforced chastity has a very large effect on me, but not a very big one on Mrs. Lion. I am locked because Mrs. Lion knows I want it and because we have discovered that enforced chastity has provided significant improvements in our marriage. I would love Mrs. Lion to find ways to enjoy my lockup. But ultimately, that can only come from her. Maybe keyholders should spend some time considering how to make the chastity game more fun for the house.