Things are never as simple as they sound. Yesterday, Mrs. Lion wrote, “All You Gotta Do….” in which she complained about the sense of urgency I apparently put on things I want to be done. Reading her post, you’d think that all I do is nag her to do things for me. Maybe that’s how it feels to her. It isn’t how I see it.

The first thing is that I can’t do a lot of stuff for myself. I can’t see well enough to install the new USB hub I needed to allow me to connect my radio stuff. Mrs. Lion was kind enough to do this for me when it arrived. If she didn’t do it, I couldn’t work with the software that runs with my radio. No crisis for sure, but it is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

She isn’t good at finishing things. She’ll order stuff and have it delivered. It usually sits on the stove or kitchen table until we have a visitor or I growl. That’s why our pantry has stuff thrown into it, and the waxing table is covered with stuff. Our house is generally cluttered with received-but-not-put-away things. If I upset Mrs. Lion by asking her to do things, she upsets me by leaving things everywhere. It’s scary for me to have to thread my way through piles of stuff to get around the house.

Every so often Mrs. Lion complains about lack of “me” time. That confuses me. She works from 8 to 4:30 every weekday. After work, she usually takes about two hours to spend in bed with her iPad. Then she makes dinner. That doesn’t take long since we are eating Nutrisystem food. Then it’s back to the iPad. I watch TV while she does her thing. I’ve suggested that if she put in an hour a day on putting things away and sorting through piles, the house would be in good order and she wouldn’t feel so stressed. This doesn’t appeal to her.

I get it. She works at a demanding job, even if it is from home. She isn’t good at letting stress out. I think that’s why she gets so upset and feels pressured when I ask for something. My problem is that I have to ask. I can’t do things for myself. I would have loved to do all the antenna work myself. It’s fun for me. Sadly, I can’t see well enough to do it.

If I don’t ask, things don’t get done. They just don’t. I suppose I should just keep quiet. By and large I do. Mrs. Lion doesn’t know how upsetting it is to me when the house is so cluttered.  I only feel safe in my office or the bedroom. I don’t think she realizes how small that makes my world. The ham radio stuff is supposed to give me a way to expand my world a little. I’m hoping it does.

I’ve never been in a position to be so dependent. I don’t like it a bit. I know it pisses Mrs. Lion off when I ask her to do things. I try not to ask until I have no choice. There is a pretty long list of things that I would like done. I haven’t suggested that Mrs. Lion do any of them. I’m not a demanding bad guy. I am dependent. I can’t help that. I’m legally blind and have a hard time with balance. This causes me a lot of stress.

I don’t think she understands what it feels like for me. For example, I can’t see well enough to try to find food in our refrigerator. I would be able to if it were organized a little better. She does so many thoughtful things for me. She found some cherries at a local market. I had a few and the rest went into the fridge. I can’t find them myself. I don’t want to ask Mrs. Lion to get them. I’m overloading her now with my demands.

It isn’t that either of us is trying to be difficult. Our situation calls for changes that we haven’t made yet. Mrs. Lion and I are very different people. She doesn’t need order and organization. I do. Before I lost my vision and balance, I could do what I needed to get done and Mrs. Lion would help. Now, it is all up to her, and it stresses her. I get it. There’s nothing I can do about the lawn needing mowing or the garbage taken out. I can’t clean out and organize the fridge. All I can do is pretend that the situation doesn’t bother me until it reaches a point I have to become demanding and ask for things to get done.

I don’t usually say I want things now. I do ask when Mrs. Lion would be able to do them. She generally interprets that question as a demand to get to work now. All I really want is a scheduled time in the future. I also need to get the clutter out and for things to be put away where they belong. That isn’t my compulsive need. The sad fact is that I can’t see well enough to find things that are left, for example, in the dish rack or on the kitchen table. I depend on my memory of where things belong to manage day-to-day activities. I hate that, but it’s my life now.

I know that Mrs. Lion would do anything for me. I will do anything for her. It’s just that sometimes it feels overwhelming for her. Unfortunately, my alternative is to sit here at my disk or lie in bed watching TV. “Me” time for me is a chance to get out of these two rooms. It’s the ability to find the cherries that Mrs. Lion bought me. It’s being able to sit on our deck (the path to the back door is almost completely blocked). I realize that fixing these things will require Mrs. Lion to give up her “Me” time. I don’t want to do that. So, for the foreseeable future,  you can find me at my desk or in bed.

I stupidly thought the antenna stuff would be done once it was in place and connected. Nope. The ham radio guy, who assembled and erected the antenna largely by himself (thank God because I would have been out of patience just unpacking it), has to come back Saturday to finalize some things. In the meantime, Lion has been taking his new radio for a spin.

At some point before the ham radio guy comes back, I have to go back on the stupid roof (I swear it’s the last time) to attach a line higher up on the first antenna so the signal on one of the bands on the new antenna will be better. I need to do battle with the maple tree again so branches aren’t in the way. And I need to finish mowing the lawn. Oh, by the way, it’s 85 degrees and expected to be that way for the foreseeable future. That will make the roof super enjoyable.

As I was cleaning the house by throwing everything in the pantry, I knew Lion would announce he needed to be waxed. Yup. He mentioned it yesterday or the day before. I’m in no hurry. I didn’t want to throw all that stuff in the pantry to begin with, but he needed his antenna done right away. I know he thinks he needs waxing done right away, but it’s not happening. I’ve been running on let’s-do-whatever-Lion-wants-to-do speed for so long that I’m burned out. I’ve been snippy with him lately. He doesn’t see that he expects everything to be done right now. (Right this minute. I can’t wait until the weekend. I want it now.)

I needed to loosen the line holding part of the antenna wire. I noticed the antenna leaning Tuesday night. I wasn’t dressed when I told Lion about it. I wasn’t dressed much of yesterday morning. During my coffee break from work, I made coffee and also helped him with something nominally radio-related. When I was done with work, I made lunch and took him to the doctor. He asked if I had loosened the line. When would I have done it? (Hint: the answer is “now.”)

I’m done with right now. I’ll finish up the antenna stuff on Saturday. All I gotta do (I hate that phrase) is tie down some wires and bury the communication cable. Then all I gotta do is shift into me mode. I’m not doing anything radio/antenna related after that. I bought a shade for our back deck that needs to be installed. That’s a me thing. I’m not saying it won’t piss me off to install it, but it doesn’t need to be done right now. I can wait. Do I want to sit in the shade? Yes. I wanted to sit in the shade a few years ago when I first suggested it, and Lion said he didn’t think it was a good idea. Too bad. It’s me time. Of course, now he thinks it’s a good idea.

spanked with erection

Over the years, I’ve had a few readers who get very angry when I talk about the roots of some of the things we do. The angriest tend to be other bloggers who appear to have gigantic emotional investments in preserving the underlying fantasies of their kinks. OK, I get it; well, maybe not entirely. The people who get most upset practice domestic discipline. That’s too bad. An honest look at what we do almost always helps us better understand ourselves and help other people who might be interested in what we do.

My most infuriating suggestion is that domestic discipline is based in a sexual interest in being spanked. I know it’s true in my case. I also know that several studies (I’m too lazy to dig them out now) have agreed that well over eight percent of people have spanking dreams. I’m not suggesting that all of those people actually get spanked, just that they dream about it. Guess what? Those dreams are sexually arousing.

That is sufficient ammunition for me to confidently suggest that those of us who actually get spanked had the origin of our practice in sexual arousal. Some of the guys who are punished by being spanked get very angry when I suggest that there is a sexual component to their domestic discipline. Yet, the most adament objector has written that his sex life improves after he is spanked. Hmm.

I could leave sleeping dogs lie and let them protest that their interest in spanking is purely disciplinary. The problem with doing that is it leaves their origin stories a bit lame. Many of the men, including me, were inspired by the detailed spanking stories on the old Disciplinary Wives Club website. While the stories weren’t overtly sexual, they contained detailed descriptions of bared-bottom spanking scenes accompanied by maternal, naughty-boy lectures. Many also included female witnesses to the spankings.

That’s sexy stuff. Online DD discussions often talk about witnesses and informing friends and relatives of the spankings. Sexy. Also, all the men being spanked consented to the practice and initiated it by asking their wives to spank them. I asked Mrs. Lion to spank me. She has been happy to comply. How many of us were erect before our spankings? I was for a long time.

The Big Rationalization the DD guys give is that they asked their wives to “help” them get over behavioral issues. That’s why they asked to be spanked. I absolutely believe that’s the truth. I wanted Mrs. Lion to have much more of a voice in our marriage, and I wanted her to have a concrete way to express unhappiness with any behavior that upset her. If I’m being completely honest, I also wanted her to spank me because the idea of her doing it, turned me on.

The angry bloggers seem to think that admitting any sexual roots to their spankings cheapens the experience and turns it into BDSM scenes. I suspect that’s the hot button that gets them mad at me. There are some significant differences between our disciplinary relationship and BDSM play. There are also some important similarities.

First, the similariies. Both BDSM and disciplinary spankings are consensual. We are not spanked against our will. Burly Turkish torturers are not tying us to a bench and beating us. Our wives tell us that we need to be spanked and we respond by baring our bottoms and getting into position for our punishment. Consensual, just like BDSM. The second similarity is that our wives are very aware of our limits and don’t beat us without regard to our ability to handle the punishment.

Now, the differences. First, we have no control over when we get spanked. We’ve given our wives permission to spank us whenever they believe we need it. I have nothing to say about my mood or interest in having my bottom paddled. That’s very different from BDSM. Second, I have no input into how much spanking I get. That’s not entirely true. Mrs. Lion will stop if I’m in real distress. Third, the objective of this spanking is to hurt me. Mrs. Lion makes sure that I’m not getting an endorphin high. She wants me to understand that she is unhappy about what I’ve done.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with admitting that domestic discipline, at least the male variety, has sexual roots. It makes no sense to deny it. Are there any of the DD bloggers who hasn’t gotten a boner thinking about being spanked? I don’t think so. Correct me if I’m wrong. You have my number.

lion's trimix-created erection

Leave it to a pervert like me to think of a way to turn Trimix into a pervertable. To catch you up, a few months ago, I lost the ability to get hard. There’s no obvious organic reason; it just happened. I wasn’t ready to give up. I visited a urologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. She prescribed Trimix injections. This hormone/stimulant brew creates erections when injected into the penis. Over the last couple of months, I’ve been experimenting with different doses. I just got a new, stronger mix that is doing the trick. An injection produces a reasonable erection that lasts about two hours.

That got me thinking. A two-hour erection that I can’t control. The drug makes me hard. It doesn’t get me aroused. Are you starting to see where my thinking was going? An involuntary erection. No arousal. Sounds like an interesting start to some very cool activities. This is especially true with someone like me who has been kept from having an erection except when wanted by my wife. Now, I can be made to get hard whenever she wants, whether or not I want sex.

I’m not the first person to think of this. About ten years ago, I talked with two women who specialized in CBT. They purchased an erection-producing drug on the Internet and injected it into the guys they played with. At least that’s what they told me. At the time, I didn’t know about the complexities of dosing these drugs. If, in fact, they actually did what they said, I have no idea how they managed to safely inject enough of the stuff to get the erections they wanted. They did know a lot about how the drugs work, so maybe they went ahead and took a chance with the drug.

Anyway, they said that it was more fun with their victim, nice and hard. They accurately reported that when the man wasn’t aroused, his involuntary erection was about eighty percent. That tallies with my experience. If they knew the man well, among other things, they would use him as a dildo to get themselves off. Whether or not he was aroused had nothing to do with the activities.

In a non-consensual context, this would be rape. Obviously, in this case, it was completely consensual. But it does give pause. Based on my very limited experience, sexual activity without arousal can be uncomfortable, and play serious head games with the man. Our ability to have sex depends on an erection. Erections are created when we are turned on. Now, thanks to a little injection in the penis, an eerection appears without the need for any cooperation on our part.

So far, Mrs. Lion has avoided any CBT with my chemically-induced erections. We’re still in the early stages of finalizing the proper dose. Once we have, and she knows how long my boner will last, she can make use of it any way she wants. If she gets me off early in the process, she will still have an erection to play with sans my interest in orgasm. The possibilities are very interesting.