One area I am definitely qualified to discuss is spanking. During a boring hour, I searched Google for “best spanking paddle.” Aside from the usual commercial twaddle advertising paddles best left to newlyweds acting out “50 Shades of Grey,” there was nothing even close to a reasonable discussion of what actually works.

Let’s start with terminology. The word “best” refers to the most effective spanking implements. My research is based on both giving and receiving spankings with a large number of paddles. I learned the most from being on the receiving end. Unsurprisingly, the most bang comes from heavier devices with longer handles.

it all comes down to physics

I’m sure you know Einstein’s most famous formula: e=mC2. It is derived from a much more useful formula: force=mass * velocity squared. When it comes to spanking, a heavier paddle (mass) moving faster will hurt more. A longer handle will increase the speed (velocity) of the business end of the paddle. Another interesting bit of science is about the application of all that force. The smaller the striking face, the more force per square inch will be applied. That’s why a cane is so vicious. The long, flexible cane attains a lot of velocity. The striking surface is just the small diameter of the cane.

So much for the science. Let’s look at what I consider the best choices. I am not including devices, like kitchen equipment. These are paddles designed explicitly for spanking.

spanking spoon on Lion's butt

1 The meanest paddle in Mrs. Lion’s arsenal is the Sporkwood spanking spoon made of Chechen wood. This paddle is available in a wide variety of woods. Chechen is the densest hardwood available for this product. It has a long handle and a small, spoon-shaped striking face. It produces bruises that I feel for several days. It’s easy to control. This is not a paddle for light, stingy spankings. Applied with vigor, it hurts a lot. This is the main paddle used to punish me. (Sporkwood paddles $39.99)

2 Plenty of sting comes from this gem. It is the ferule paddle. Master paddle-maker John Hanson originally made it. I knew him, and he made mine. He retired. Leatherwerks bought his business and continues to make the same fine paddles. Ours is bloodwood. It’s a beautiful, dense wood. This paddle has a flat, round hitting surface about three inches in diameter. Like the spanking spoon, it has a long handle. It isn’t as heavy as the spanking spoon. It’s a close second in terms of the damage it can do. (Leatherwerks, prices, and available wood/thicknesses vary. We suggest 1/2-inch thick)

3The Spencer paddle. A popular spanking myth centers on a contract for mutual spanking. The idea is that couples resolve issues by spanking one another. A lot of spanking porn has been written about this. Some paddle makers name a broad-faced, drilled paddle after this concept. Sporkwood follows this tradition with their Spencer paddle. It’s made of Chechen and packs a solid wallop. It has holes drilled in it. Some believe that the holes stop air from cushioning the blow. They don’t. But they do make nasty little marks sometimes. This is the sort of paddle that people imagine when they think of a trip to the woodshed. If you are spanked with this paddle, you will remember it with fear. (Sporkwood, $39.99 in Chechen. Also available in other kinds of wood)

split rubber spanking paddle

4 While wood is the traditional material for spanking paddles, inventive paddle makers have explored other, more modern materials for bottom blistering. One of the most unique is conveyor belt material. This industrial product is used to build conveyors that carry everything from refrigerators to rocks. It’s made from laminated layers of tough rubber and coarse fabric. It’s very dense and heavy. It also flexes so that the paddles made from it have a nasty sting. This particular model is not particularly beautiful. It’s a bargain and arrives with a very strong rubber smell. We left it on our porch for about a week to allow the smell to dissipate. Smell or no smell. this is a unique and very mean addition to a spanking arsenal. (cane-iac, $26.99).

5 Another inexpensive spanker comes from a company that specializes in fraternity and sorority supplies. It’s a mean little sucker made from oak that’s small enough to fit in a purse and mean enough to make me yelp every time it’s used on my tender hindquarters. If you are a do-it-yourselfer, you can sand the rather sharp edges and finish it with epoxy or urethane. You can add a personal touch like we did (see post). This no-frills bottom burner is a perfect starter paddle for the novice spanker. It’s easy to control and takes very little effort to make your point. (Paddle Tramps, $7.95 in oak)

summing it up

There is an amazing variety of spanking implements available. These five barely scratch the surface. These five represent the most effective paddles Mrs. Lion uses on me. All are well made and will last for a lifetime. We have no business connection with any of these craftsmen. Have safe fun!

There is an expanding category of sex toys for men. Male masturbators are among the fastest-growing. These devices range from imitation mouths, anuses, and vaginas to vibrators and devices intended to simulate oral sex. The oral sex devices provided up and down motion designed to simulate a mouth on the penis. The market was dominated by the Fleshlight, which is a cylinder containing a silicone sleeve designed to simulate a vagina or anus. It has no moving parts. That’s up to the man to provide.

The devices that provide realistic motion were limited to the Autoblow. This device sells for about $200. It contains a sleeve very much like the Fleshlight’s. A gripper moves up and down outside the sleeve. This applies pressure to the shaft as it moves. It is supposed to feel like oral sex. I found it pretty disappointing. It felt good but not good enough to get me off.

A Chinese sex toy company contacted me and asked if I would test the device of my choice. I was impressed by their website https://sohimi.com. It is nicely designed. The company makes a selection of sex toys, including male masturbators that compete with the Fleshlight and Autoblow. I chose the Sohimi Masturabator. It looks like a Fleshlight with switches on it. Priced at under $100, it is a bargain compared with the Autoblow.

The device has silicone “lips” that simulate labia. Inside is a silicone sleeve with large bumps protruding into the cavity. The device can provide up and down motion and rotation. Unlike the Autoblow, the entire sleeve moves. The up-down range of motion is fairly small. The rotation is, well, rotation. In addition, the device comes with earbuds and provides a soundtrack of an Asian woman in heat.

Test results

I have a rather poor track record when it comes to masturbators. I’ve reviewed almost all of them over the years. The only one that managed to get me off was the Venus 2000, which costs $900. I was only able to do that after a long trial and error. Anyway, after unpacking the Sohimi, I charged it. The device comes with a micro USB charging cord but no AC adapter. We have lots of them around the house. The packaging is beautiful, befitting a high-tech device.

The control panel flashes while charging. When fully charged, it stays on. You can’t use the device while attached to the charger. Sohimi provides a sample tube of their lube. I don’t like it. It dries out quickly and has an industrial smell. Use any good water-based lube. The instructions said to squirt lube into the sleeve. I did that. I also explored the controls. There is an on/off switch. You have to press for a few seconds to start or stop. Another button selects stimulation pattern. There are ten combinations of up-and-down, round-and-round patterns of varying speeds. Each press changes the pattern. A third button controls the audio track.

After lubing the sleeve, I manually got hard and inserted my cock. I tried each pattern. One was most exciting to me. It had a strong up/down with limited rotation. It felt good but not good enough to ejaculate. Good thing. I’m not allowed to do that on my own. I was in no danger of an unauthorized squirt. I liked how it felt, but not good enough to give a happy ending.

Cleaning should be simple but turned out to be difficult. The labia unscrews to reveal the sleeve inside. Another panel on the side of the device comes off to give more access to the sleeve. The instructions showed pulling the sleeve out for washing and drying. It was very difficult to remove. I think that was because the device is new. I don’t think it would be as hard the next time.

The device comes with an interesting accessory: a suction device to attach to a wall or table. It is a very powerful attachment and, if attached to a non-porous surface, will easily hold the device. I think this option would add a lot of extra fun. I think if I could thrust as well as letting the machine do the work, it might be enough even for me.

The sleeve itself is only about five inches long. There is about a two-inch gap from the labia to the top of the sleeve. At best, only the top four inches of penis gets stimulated. In my case, only two are rubbed. That’s not too bad since the “good part” of the penis is just under the head. The short sleeve limited the thrusting I could do. There is plenty of battery power. The device can run at least an hour on a charge. When in operation, it is a bit noisy but didn’t distract me.

summary

The Sohimi masturbator is well priced. It’s far less expensive than any other motorized masturbator. It’s easy to use. Cleaning takes some work but isn’t a dealbreaker. I had fun using it. If I didn’t have Mrs. Lion, who provides the real thing, this device would provide entertaining stimulation. Even if it can’t make me ejaculate, it certainly feels good. At the price, it’s a nice addition to any guy’s toybox.

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Want a free copy of Fan Mail? Just drop me a line in Contact Us. I’ll be happy to treat you to one if you will leave a review on amazon.com. Help a poor lion out!

Some time ago, I mentioned that I tested a safe for storing things like keys to a chastity device. The first unit I got was virtually unusable. There were big problems with the setup. It claimed it could be unlocked using voice, but it couldn’t. I complained to the company. They got back to me with a new device and improved software. Now the device can be unlocked using Amazon Alexa voice control.

The Pillar, by Lockedbrands (link to Amazon page), is a high-quality plastic safe. It is unlocked via either a phone app or voice. It isn’t cheap: $100. I think it is worth the money. I set it up so that only Mrs. Lion can open it. She can use our Echo devices at home and say, “Alexa ask my pillar to unlock,” and it will. After unlocking, it automatically resets to locked in a few seconds.

You open it by twisting 1/4-turn and lifting, just like opening a jar. You lock it by putting the top on and twisting until it clicks. There is plenty of room inside for more than just keys. You can store other valuables there too. Obviously, since it’s made of plastic, it can be “cracked” with a saw, but that’s not the point. You can’t open it without wrecking it unless you are authorized.

This device neatly solves the emergency key problem, at least at home. The keyholder can unlock the Pillar from anywhere her phone can connect to the internet. She can do it with her voice through the Alexa phone app or by clicking a button on the LockedBrands app. Think of how useful this could be for a findom or professional keyholder? She could set up any number of Pillars on her phone and unlock them for poor boys as she wishes. They would have five seconds from the time she clicks “Unlock” to open the Pillar and retrieve the key. Facetime is an easy way to assure the key goes back, and the Pillar gets relocked.

The Pillar solves the problem of digging out the key or unlock a box or safe to get it. Male chastity just got a lot more convenient for the keyholder.

I came across the bumpy, rainbow-bubble glass dildo on Twitter. I think it’s a great butt trainer for me. For me, at least, just learning to accept larger diameter objects doesn’t prepare me for motion or Mrs. Lion’s hand. I thought it would because logically, I figured that if I could comfortably accept a dildo the same diameter as her fingers, then the real thing should work too. I also thought that motion wouldn’t be uncomfortable if I learned to hold the object when it was still. I was wrong.

No matter how hard we tried, the motion was very uncomfortable, and Mrs. Lion could only get a few fingers in. I read that a better way to train is to use a butt plug instead of a dildo. The plug is moved in and out. I have always found inserting and removing a plug uncomfortable. There’s something about the change in diameter that hurts. According to my reading, the real training for pegging and fisting is learning to handle the change in diameter. Size is less important than handling change of diameter.

Last year, when I told Mrs. Lion about it, she tried with a butt plug. It was very uncomfortable the first night, but each successive try got easier for me. Then we stopped. When I saw the picture of this dildo, it looked like exactly the right toy for my anal training. The bubbles get larger as the toy goes deeper. The smallest is 1.1 inches in diameter, and the largest is just over 1-3/4 inches. That’s a nice range of sizes.

Anal play with it should be interesting. In the beginning, I will probably be able to take just the first couple of balls. As the play progresses, more and more will disappear up my ass. Motion is easy for Mrs. Lion since she can get a good grip on the bottom bubble. Over time I will learn to take the entire dildo and eventually accept hard pegging with it. It will take a while, but if Mrs. Lion persists, I have no choice about becoming an expert.

Aside from being very pretty, the Rainbow Bubble dildo is heavy. It’s about the same weight as stainless steel. It’s made of borosilicate glass; Pyrex is the trademarked term. It’s dishwasher safe. It has a nice prostate-massaging curve. The people who sell this are called Crystal Delights. They sell a nice range of penetration products made of glass. The service was excellent. I received the didlo only a few days after ordering.

Mrs. Lion left it on the bed. I suppose that means she intends to test drive it tonight.