I admit it. “Begone 2020” was one of my passwords for a while. I’ve had some creative passwords over the years. None were as relevant as the passwords for this year: “2020Sucks,” “Stupid2020,” etc. To be fair, last year was a tough one for us too. Lion had several surgeries and I was happy to be done with 2019. Little did I know… For that reason, I’m not getting my hopes up for 2021. The virus will still be around. Nothing will be back to normal until much later in the year, if then. For now, I’ll just say I’m happy to be rid of 2020.

I was able to play with Lion a little bit last night. He got hard for a brief time. He didn’t want to come out from under the blankets because he figured he wouldn’t last long anyway. He didn’t. But I hadn’t put too much effort in either. Sometimes he thinks I’m rushing him so I started of with snuggling and some exploratory touching. I figured I could build up to more. Lion seemed to be enjoying himself even if he didn’t get all the way to edging. As long as he’s having fun, I’m happy.

After we were done, he said he thinks he’s gotten too old for sex. I don’t think so. This year has put a lot of stress on everyone. He’s been out of work for a long time. Who knows when he’ll be back. His unemployment benefits, like those of so many others, expired and the government took its damn time to extend them. Every time we go out the door, we’re in danger of catching the virus. That’s a lot to worry about. No wonder he’s not in the mood for sex. Most mornings, I’m not in the mood to get out of bed.

Obviously, I can’t pinpoint when he’ll be back to himself. I’m just pretty sure he’s not done with sex altogether. I think he’d have to be comatose for that to happen. And even then, he’d probably still be sporting a boner.

Lion made a face when I brought out the Box o’Fun. I left it sitting on the bed for a few minutes. When I finally looked inside I found only two cards in there. We must have gotten tired of ignoring figging and pegging and gave up on the box. There’s no way I was starting out with either of those. I found the other cards and added them back to the box. Lion made a face again.

He was tired. All he has to do is say he’s too tired or sick or in pain and we don’t have to do anything. Being sick or in pain will get him out of punishment too. Being too tired will not. And I’d guess a red butt has the power to wake a fellow up. I was tired too, but I would have done whatever he wanted. I’m usually tired so it’s hard for me to figure out how tired is too tired.

I know I’m in charge and I did say we were going to being out the Box o’Fun with the hope of jumpstarting things, but I’m not a dictator. There are many reasons why we shouldn’t play on any given night. The whole purpose of playing is to turn Lion on. I’m already fighting an uphill battle lately. I don’t want to do anything to him if he’s not going to enjoy it. Yes, I know he doesn’t really enjoy IcyHot. But he sort of does. Mr. Weenie gives him away. The point is, even if it wasn’t just for him, I wouldn’t want to force him to do things.

I wonder what would have happened all those years ago if I had said I didn’t want to spank him. What if I had said I’ll spank him but that’s where I draw the line? From time to time, Lion says he’ll give up BDSM. I think he lasts a few days before he regrets that decision and wants to play again. I think we might have continued on with our relationship if I agreed to spank him but go no further. I don’t know how much longer he would have “put up” with me, but spanking might have sustained him for a while. If I had said no to spanking I think we would have been done pretty quickly. But I digress.

I will bring out the Box o’Fun again tonight. We’ll see how Lion feels about it. If I get the sense that he’s making a face because he doesn’t want to do particular things in the box then we’ll have to have a discussion. Maybe I take those things out. Maybe he sucks it up and we do what it says on the card that he picked. It’s not up to me. He picks. I just do what the little voice on the card tells me to do.

Thank goodness that the COVID relief bill was finally signed. We depend on the unemployment money to live. I’m hoping that by the time that runs out we will have some income from my writing. The dream is that book sales will replace unemployment. Of course, I have no idea how realistic that is. Deep down I worry that no one will want to buy it. That won’t stop me. I’ll just keep writing until someone buys my books.

We had some fun on Monday night. Mrs. Lion sucked me. I love that! I think we may need to do some BDSM. I was lucky she was able to suck me. That migraine she came off knocked her out. I’m pretty tired too. I have no idea why. Maybe writing and editing is more taxing than I think.

I’m getting a product to review. It’s a voice-activated lockbox. It learns its owner’s voice and will only open with the magic words. This is perfect for a convenient way to store male chastity device keys. Maybe all Mrs. Lion has to do is say, “Open Sesame” and she gets access. I’ll report more on the device after I get it.

Those of us experiencing orgasm control and domestic discipline over the long term may develop our own unique reactions to these practices. Is it possible that we change slowly over time as a result of these things? Maybe my issues with ejaculation are the result of losing control over when I get to do it. I’ve wondered about that. If I can’t control when I can come, maybe I’m unconsciously controlling when I can’t. It could also be that the combination of economic worry and the pressure of trying to write commercial prose are taking their toll. I don’t know.

Lion has been snoozing a lot. He thought he’d be up half the night after being asleep so much in the evening, but he didn’t seem to have any problem. Neither of us is sure why he’s sleeping so much. I’d say it’s boredom after being on furlough for so long but he’s kept his nose to the grindstone recently by writing his book. I’m on the other side of the wall from him plugging away on my work. We stop for lunch and the occasional conversation. I guess it’s our way of being together without being on top of each other.

He was awake long enough for me to get him excited and even suck him for a while. I didn’t get him to the edge, but I was surprised he wanted as much activity as he did. It’s been four days since his orgasm. Sometimes that four days is enough time for him to be ready for another orgasm, but not lately. I teased him that he was using all his sexual mojo writing the book and he had nothing left for me. Of course, he thinks it’s because he’s losing his libido. He may have slowed down a bit with age, but I don’t think he’s in any danger of losing it.

I was thinking what he needs is more BDSM. And just after I thought that, it occurred to me that he doesn’t seem very excited with that either. Is he bored with it? Or maybe I’m not putting enough effort into it. Or maybe he’s bored with me. I’m not talking about being with me. I mean sexually. If I don’t want any sex for myself, has it become too boring for him? I don’t know. I really just thought of it before I typed it.

There’s at least two ways to look at it. Either sex only for him is a lot of pressure on him, or it’s a lot of pressure on me. He’s said he feels selfish. I know that can’t be easy on him. It may be one reason he hasn’t been so horny lately. What if he gets turned on by giving me orgasms? I’ve taken that away. He has to get turned on all by himself. On the other hand, there’s pressure on me to turn him on even though I don’t want sex for myself. I like doing it, and I don’t want to stop. But I can’t make him want sex any more than he can make me want sex. He has to bring a little bit to the party. I mean, I’m good but I’m not that good. (Modest, too.)

What I think I need to do is maybe go back to the Box o’Fun. If I don’t have to come up with what we’re doing, that will help. And it will prod me into doing something to begin with. I can’t have inertia beating me.