Without a doubt the most popular punishment employed by women in a domestic discipline relationship (DD) is spanking. Unfortunately, most people think that all you have to do is to expose the offender’s bottom and swat away with the implement of your choice. There is a bit more to it than that. If you are wondering why I, the spankee, is writing this guide, it’s because for almost 30 years I was dominant and ran workshops on spanking and D/S play safety. I’ve taught hundreds at these workshops and supervised many dungeons over the years. Ok, enough about me.

Most of us never considered punishing our partners as part of our normal relationship. Even kinky couples don’t punish; they play. As adults we don’t generally think of our wives as authority figures with the right and ability to punish us. Some of us want to put the woman in charge. This is domestic discipline.  We men are not accustomed to obeying our women. We may talk abut being submissive and even enjoy D/S play with dominant women. But will we really yield on issues where we have strong opinions? Probably not. How seriously do we take a request to put the toilet seat down, to pick up our socks, and a thousand other things that bother our wives? Even if we are well-meaning, we don’t prioritize those requests. We do it if we think about it.

Remember, this isn’t for you. It’s for him. You probably won’t like doing it at all. You love him. Grit your teeth and grab your paddle and give him what he wants. He’s been dreaming of this for a long time.

Our wives probably don’t take these things seriously either. Yes, it bothers them when we do something thoughtless, but they are unlikely to start an argument over it. DD doesn’t suddenly make every mistake a major crime. I think that is one thing that is frequently misunderstood. But these small infractions offer significant opportunities for our mates to assert and reinforce their authority. Both partners have to do a large amount of retraining. Discipline is probably the simplest and most important way to reinforce a female-led relationship.

We men have a lifetime of conditioning that teaches us we can do as we please and only defer to our partners if we want to. That doesn’t mean that we are all thoughtless beasts. It means that any thoughtfulness and obedience come from our agreement to do what we are asked. We retain the ability to say no. Even when we agree to FLR, we don’t internalize the changes this will generate in our lives. We may have asked our wives to take charge. Once she agrees to the role, we lose the ability to change our minds. The only way to internalize our new role is to feel the authority of our mates. That’s where discipline comes in.

For example, I serve breakfast in bed every weekend. Mrs. Lion does it the rest of the week. Last weekend I forgot to put napkins on the tray. No big deal. When I realized it, I went back to the kitchen and got them. I simply forgot something. But I shouldn’t have forgotten. So, Mrs. Lion told me that this is an offense that requires correction. I keep a list of infractions. Every Monday and Thursday night, Mrs. Lion corrects my errors or disobedience. She does this with a spanking.

Why Spanking?

There are many ways to discipline a man: take away privileges, early bedtime, writing assignments, corner time, and of course, spanking. All these punishments hearken back to childhood. Most of us have no other context for discipline. Those childhood punishments turn out to be just as valid for adults. The purpose of discipline is to correct a problem. The person being disciplined needs to learn it is far worse to make that mistake and suffer punishment than it is to be attentive to what he is doing. Spanking is particularly good for correction. It has multiple benefits: It unmistakably asserts the authority of the spanker. If the spanking is properly administered, it is something the person being spanked wants to avoid. And, it physically teaches both partners their respective roles.

Unlike “play” spanking, disciplinary spanking has one purpose: to inflict as much pain as possible without injuring the person being spanked. There is absolutely nothing erotic about a disciplinary spanking. For a long time I thought that meant no buildup, no fondling, just repeated very hard swats. That never worked for us. I could never take more than six or seven of Mrs. Lion’s hard swats before I had too much.

Yes, I understand that’s the point, but the reality in our case is that without warmup swats I just couldn’t take a punishment-level spanking. That doesn’t mean spanking is out. Mrs. Lion added two things: a slow buildup and allowed me a safeword. If I yelled “Yellow,” Mrs. Lion would back off and then build back up. Usually, she could get well beyond the point of my first safeword before I yelled “Yellow” again. Now, spankings are 200  to 300 swats. By the end, she has reached full disciplinary level. If you don’t believe I am well enough spanked, see the picture, right. That’s what I looked like after our first ‘buildup” disciplinary spanking.

That painful spanking reached me at a primal level. It trained me to avoid provoking another by repeating my bad behavior. It didn’t matter that I fully understood discipline and spanking. It made no difference that I had spanked hundreds of women. My mind was focused on only one thing: how badly I wanted Mrs. Lion to stop.

Other punishments can have erotic undertones. Childish punishments can feed some people’s desire to relive childhood events or feed a fantasy. You can, of course, say the same thing about spanking. I have a lot of fantasies about being spanked. When I have bottomed, I loved being tied down and spanked. Those spankings included a lot of buildups and the promise of a nice handjob after it was done. It was an erotic experience. You may wonder why I don’t get similar pleasure out of a disciplinary spanking. For one thing, I knew I was being spanked for breaking a rule. For another, I had to repeat what I did wrong when Mrs. Lion took a short break mid-spanking.

If a second punishment is added as “dessert,” then the message is truly driven home. Standing in a corner for at least 15 minutes is an excellent post-spanking punishment. Others include mouth soaping, writing assignments, and early bedtimes. You get the idea.

Spanking Basics

Spanking is more than just exposing a bottom and swatting away. Since a disciplinary spanking is administered full force, it’s important to understand a bit more about his anatomy and effects, physical and psychological, of a severe spanking. Here are the main points:

  1. Bare bottom only. This may seem obvious, but many women think getting him to expose his bottom may be erotic to him and therefore avoided. He may get turned on in the beginning, but that will stop very very quickly. Any clothing, including thin underwear, will blunt the sting of your spanks. You want him to get the full effect. Also, you want to be able to see the result of your swats. That way you can avoid reinjuring bruised spots. There is also the humiliation of him having to bare his bottom to receive punishment. That reinforces your authority. Most humiliating is for you to pull his pants and underpants down and then spank him.
  2. Limit your swats to the areas best able to handle the force without injury. The bottom  and back of the thighs are the only safe parts of the body for the force you will use. The upper thighs are much more sensitive to pain than the bottom. Many disciplining wives paddle or strap there if their husbands behave badly during the spanking by trying to get away.
  3. Don’t hold back. The most common error in disciplinary spanking is to hold back because you don’t want to hurt him too much. For the spanking to help change his attitude and behavior, it has to hurt and hurt a lot. The objective is to make spanking something he will do anything to avoid. It is basic conditioning. I know, it will be very difficult to do this at first, but with practice (maintenance spankings), you will quickly learn to hit hard.
  4. Avoid hitting an injured area. If he has a bruise from a prior session or a cut, try to avoid that area. Reinjuring a bruised area probably won’t cause any serious problems, but it is good to avoid. You should have plenty of spanking real estate left. If you do hit a bruise, it will hurt more and will heal a bit more slowly. Oh well.

This may seem unpleasant to you. I don’t think you should expect to have fun administering discipline. You may actually hate to do it. After all,  you do love him and he is clearly suffering. That is a big reason to be very severe. The more he wants to avoid spanking, the less you will be forced to do it. Practice makes perfect. In the beginning, Mrs. Lion spanked me every day to get practice and to teach me how disciplinary spanking feels. She only did a few swats each time. Every day I could feel those swats getting harder and harder. We both learned from that.

How do you know he’s had enough

spanked bottom

Disciplinary spanking causes a predictable progression of responses from your male. Initially he will respond to the pain by yowling and telling/begging you to stop. Some guys manage to remain silent. I don’t. The first swat can evoke a blood-curdling scream. That doesn’t mean he is in mortal pain. It’s a very normal reaction to the sharp pain. While we’re on that subject, an adult spanking is supposed to cause as much pain as possible without injury.

The butt is perfectly designed for this purpose. There is a rich network of nerve endings just below the skin. Below that is a layer of fat and then large muscles. A paddle or strap won’t cause long term injury no matter how hard you hit it. If he had an erection, that will disappear after the first few swats. Many disciplining wives say that the spanking doesn’t truly start until his penis is completely flaccid.

If you are to ignore his screams and pleas, how do you know that your message has been received? There are some telltale physical signs that he can’t fake. When he is truly hurting, he will start to sweat. Perspiration on his back is a reliable indicator of his distress. He may also be producing tears. This isn’t really crying in the standard sense. It’s a reaction to the pain like sweating. He won’t smell very good either.

You may want to stop at this point. If he hasn’t committed the offense in a while, it makes sense to end when he starts to sweat. If, on the other hand, he is repeating the offense within a week or two of his spanking, clearly he didn’t get the point. In that case you may want to keep going after the perspiration and tears appear. If even that doesn’t work, maybe you should let him know you won’t continue spanking him. That is probably the most severe punishment he can get. Some spankers only stop when there are visible bruises over a significant area on the bottom. The image (left) shows a severely spanked bottom. This looks horrible. The spanking hurt terribly. However, within an hour of when she ended the discipline, he wasn’t in much pain, just some residual burning. It hurt to sit down the next day. That’s the desired result, isn’t it?

Spanking Tools

You can use everything from your hands to professional spanking implements to inflict punishment. In the beginning, you will get the best results from a paddle or heavy wooden spoon. A ping pong paddle won’t work. In fact any lightweight paddle is next to useless for disciplinary spanking. Your hand will work, but not as well as you might think. Your hand will end up hurting much more than his bottom. What will work?

The most inexpensive spanking tool is a very heavy wooden spoon. Don’t try with the typical Wal Mart or Target wooden spoon. They are way too light and will break with a medium intensity swat. Get a heavy one. Amazon.com doesn’t have any I could find.  Kitchen stores usually have them. You want one about 24 inches long with a nice bowl. Mrs. Lion has one that hurts like hell. Wooden spoons can  cause bruising. That isn’t a bad thing. Some nice bruises where he sits will remind him for days of his transgressions.

Paddles are extremely efficient punishment tools. Most of the inexpensive ones are too light to be of much value. A good paddle is one of the most worthwhile investments to make in an FLR. A good one runs around $50.  All you need is one for a lifetime of domestic discipline. Weight is very important for a paddle. Lightweight paddles will break before you can apply enough force to really send a message. The longer the handle, the harder the force it will apply. If the handle is too long, it will affect your aim and make you stand too far away from your male. The most significant advantage of paddles is that because they distribute the force of the swat over a large area, it is much more difficult to bruise or otherwise injure when you use one. It is the most desirable implement for a beginner. It is easy to make it hit where you aim and if the paddle is heavy enough, even a moderate amount of force will hurt.

Straps are also popular spanking tools. They are more difficult to aim. In addition, you can “wrap” and cause injury. Wrapping is when the end of the strap lands on the side of his thigh or bottom. The effect of wrapping accelerates the tip of the strap and can do some damage. Practice with a strap on a pillow before using it for punishment. Whips and crops are better suited for the playroom than for domestic discipline. I suggest you limit your tools to the ones mentioned here.


Disciplinary spanking isn’t easy to do. Hurting someone you love feels horrible. Doing it over his objections can feel even worse. FLR requires you to assume a new role. Domestic discipline is probably the most difficult part of this lifestyle. Everything about it is counter intuitive.  Your role as spanker puts you in the position of feeling like a horrible person for hurting your partner. He won’t want you to do this. Maybe the first disciplinary spanking was at his request. If you do it properly, he will want to avoid any repeats. Yet, you will have to repeat spankings many times. Each time he will want to avoid it and during the spanking he will be genuinely unhappy.

This is probably the first time in your life you set out to intentionally hurt someone. Disciplinary spanking is about inflicting pain; a lot of it. The more pain you inflict, the more effective you are as his disciplinarian. That won’t feel good. But it is necessary in order to build your authority and his obedience. Most importantly, he asked you to do this. If you are lucky, you may find you like spanking him. If not, remember this is something he has wanted for a very long time. You don’t have to like it. Your are doing this for him. Do it right.

Further Reading

Strict Julie Spanks is a spanking blog written by a disciplinary wife. The blog itself is a nice blend of fantasy and reality. She actually spanks her husband, not in a full-scale domestic discipline relationship like ours, but to provide her husband with something he requested. This article, “Beating Your Man Properly” is a very good rundown on adult spanking.

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1 Comment

  1. What a very well put together post. I really did not think about how the spankings need to be as hard as possible. In the back of my mind I always thought there would be a little bit of eroticism in the spanking. Thanks for straightening that misconception out for me.

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