You are probably reading this because your husband asked you to take charge and punish him if needed. His request was most likely filled with various ways you would punish him and what he wants you to make him do. He is playing back his sexual fantasies. What he wants and needs is very simple:

You are in charge and will punish him when he needs it.

That’s it. The most widely accepted punishment is spanking. He has asked you to take him in hand. This is the commonly used phrase for someone receiving domestic discipline.

Explain to him that this is what he is agreeing to. It’s not about getting him off. It’s about punishment for misbehavior. Chances are good that this will turn him on. That’s fine. Almost all men will be erect when about to be spanked. The erection disappears very quickly when the punishment begins. Ignore his arousal when discussing domestic discipline and administering punishment.

If you decide you want to take him in hand, it’s a good idea to make sure that he understands exactly what you will be doing.


  1. There is no sex involved in domestic discipline You are in charge. He is expected to obey your rules and behave well at all times. If you decide he needs correction, he is to submit to your punishment without discussion or complaint. No sexual or fetish activity is part of this. Some men want to wear panties or other women’s underwear as a symbol of their submission. This is sexual and not part of DD.
  2. Life will continue as usual DD is not a change in daily life. You remain loving partners. You will not micromanage him or make all the household decisions. You do have the final say over everything, but you aren’t expected to take over his life. If you make a rule, he must obey it or be punished. Otherwise, nothing changes. You aren’t agreeing to be his “mistress” or “owner”. You are his loving wife who has been asked to take your husband in hand.
  3. You and you alone decide when he needs punishment He may want a way to “participate” in your disciplinary relationship. You can allow him to suggest rules. However, only you actually make them. He will hate rules that aren’t part of his fantasy. Too bad. He is agreeing to your leadership.

That’s all you need. It’s a good idea to make sure he understands and agrees. He needs to know that there is no turning back. This is a commitment he is making to you. Only you can end it. He is expected to accept your punishments without complaint.

When he agrees, let him know he is being a good boy and thank him. It’s appropriate to give him a treat for taking such a big step.


Chances are good that you both will need to practice developing your disciplinary relationship. We started with some rules that Lion was almost certain to frequently break. He often spilled food on his shirt. We made a rule that he was not allowed to do this. Each time he broke this rule, he was spanked. The second rule was that he was never to eat first. He should always wait until his wife eats first. This is just good manners and something worth learning.

The idea is to start with rules that are easy to understand and will be broken regularly in the beginning. There is nothing wrong with more serious rules but bear in mind that both of you need to be trained in new disciplinary habits.

We learned that punishment is essentially binary. That is, if a rule is broken, the punishment is just as severe for a minor offense as a more serious one. Taking it easy because the infraction is minor defeats the purpose of DD. Any rule that is broken is disobedience. This is not tolerated in a DD relationship.


  1. This is not about sex Resist any suggestions that he wears punishment panties or any other fetish wear as part of DD. Sex isn’t a reward or a punishment. Keep sexual activity completely out of your disciplinary activities.
  2. You are in charge Don’t allow him to define your role as a disciplinary wife. He will point you to web pages, even this one. You can certainly use them for information or instruction, but ultimately you define how you will do things.
  3. Be consistent The most important part of a disciplinary role is consistency. Try to observe every infraction and punish each and every one. Your husband will be happier and more secure if you do.

Most importantly, relax and take your time. You may not be comfortable at first. It wasn’t for us. After a while, it became an important part of our lives that both of us need.


Most of the stuff you read on the Internet goes on and on about contracts. These are written agreements that spell out how the DD is supposed to work. Most of them are filled with all sorts of rituals and instructions for every possibility.

You don’t need a contract!

All you need is to agree that he wants to be taken in hand by you. You both may want to set up a review date. This is a future date when you will review your DD relationship. At that time either of you can end it.

That’s it.

Men often like to over complicate things. Your roles are simple and clear. You are his disciplinary wife. You have the right and obligation to set rules and limits he must obey. Any failure results in physical punishment: a spanking. Read this to him again if he doesn’t understand. There is nothing else to say. He will be much happier once he is taken in hand.

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