I Don’t Want To Be A Burden

This blog is our journal. A journal is a regular accounting of thoughts and actions. This journal tells the story of our rather kinky sex life. It also gives us, me mostly, a chance to share what we have learned. It’s not an attempt at a balanced reporting of anything. We also stray off topic when the mood strikes. It’s unfair to judge us or our relationship based on any single post. Some readers tend to do this.

Anyway, The Journal is also a valuable communication link between Mrs. Lion and me. Sometimes the result is a debate that continues in conversations and emails. Other times we respond to one another in posts. In case you wonder why we would use a public forum to discuss personal matters is because it provides an easy-to-reference and permanent place for our discussion. It also may help others with similar issues. Our most recent case in point started with my post yesterday (“Couple Therapy“).

I talked about my difficulty believing that Mrs. Lion has fun with what we do. She sent me an email response that she has written that she likes when my balls hang low, and she enjoys seeing them bounce when she ties them and then jerks me off. She has mentioned this. What she said didn’t quite get to the point I was trying to make. For example, if she says (out loud) that she wants me to bend over so she can see my balls, that would send the message that she has fun with that.

It’s like the two voices you can use in writing. The active voice puts you right in the action. “Sarah grabbed Harry’s balls,” is active voice. “Sarah was happy when she played with Harry’s balls,” is passive voice. Passive voice removes you from what is happening. The same is true with expressions of pleasure. I’ve always believed that telling someone to do something is a very strong way to express that you like it when they do that thing.

When it comes to communicating pleasure, words are sometimes stronger than actions. “I can’t wait to suck your cock,” sends the unmistakable message that delivering oral sex is fun. “Get across the bed so I can suck you” isn’t quite the same thing. The instruction can be interpreted as a request to do something fun or getting a chore out of the way.

I think that Mrs. Lion believes that she doesn’t have to tell me that she likes something. She assumes that I will know she does because she takes action. Words, for me at least, count almost as much as the actions they reference. I realize it is Mrs. Lion’s style. That doesn’t make it any easier for me.

Another example is when I’ve asked Mrs. Lion to read something I’ve written. When she finishes, she says, “It’s good.” That’s it. I have to probe to get more information. I was looking for a discussion of the characters and how she reacted to what they did. I wanted to know if the story grabbed her. I wanted a book review. “It was good,” feels dismissive to me. Mrs. Lion is a very good writer and reporter. She reads a lot. Like sex, reading my work feels like a chore she does for me. I’m grateful that she does, but I’m not encouraged to ask her again.

From her descriptions of work and the people she interacts with, I know she can be richly descriptive and emotional. The fact that she isn’t with me is very problematic. You know how old people sometimes say that they don’t want to be a burden? I don’t either.