By:
In: Spanking, BDSM

I am starting to regret my decision to be a novelist. The more I learn about the necessary moving parts of a novel, the more obvious my lack of skill becomes. Hell, I was a computer science major in college. There’s a big difference between fiction and discreet math. I know that movies follow formulas. They are needed. After all, you can’t tell a story including subtleties of character in just two hours unless there are some communication shortcuts.

For example, a rom-com follows a strict formula: Establish the main characters. Watch them find one another and see a promising romance begin. Something happens to push them apart. Something else makes it worse. Another misery befalls them. Finally, in the fourth act, they overcome the problems and live happily ever after. We subconsciously know this before the movie starts. The pattern is familiar and comfortable.

All stories follow ONCE UPON A TIME __THEN__AND THEN__AND THEN__AND THEN__FINALLY. The problem for a novelist is that the author has to fill in what actors in a movie show the audience. There are genre-specific formulae for novels. It won’t surprise you that I don’t know them. I know how to tell a story. That’s not the problem.

Literary agents read a lot. They are solidly wedded to the formulae for the genres their authors write. That means if I want to attract an agent, I have to provide a story in the form she expects. It doesn’t matter how good my story is. If the agent doesn’t “fall in love” with my protagonist in the first few pages, she rejects me. Worse, if my heroine doesn’t face a life-changing decision, bye-bye, lion.

I prefer my characters to make obvious or trivial decisions and then discover they get into a world of trouble because of them. That’s a surprise for the reader. I hate soap operas, and I have no interest in writing one. My problem is marketing. I have to sell fate as an antagonist. I have to show the consequences of taking the clear path.

OK, why do I think you should care about my problems as a writer? It’s because my literary dilemma is identical to the sexual challenges I’ve faced. My first challenge was spanking. Long before I met Mrs. Lion, I asked my ex-wife to spank me. I really did. At the time, I had no idea about any of the nuances. I just felt a very strong need. Unsurprisingly, she said no. That may have been the precipitating incident that made me want a divorce.

Sounds like a plot for my kind of novel. Yup, I just said, “Will you spank me?” Four words that crashed a 15-year marriage. Small things can cause big consequences. I’m sure she didn’t give my question a second thought. Those four words started me on a quest to find what I wanted so badly. Months later, everything blew up.

I guess you could call it lighting the fuse. Many stories start with a small event that will eventually change everything. I had no idea that my request would change my life. Hmm, maybe I’ll write that story. It’s too kinky for a first novel, but still, it’s a good story.

After over a decade of bad relationships, I met Mrs. Lion. Soon after we met, I asked her the same four-word question. She answered, “Yes.” I’m pretty sure that she didn’t know how important that answer was. See? Fate. At the time, before I asked her, I resolved not to make her answer change anything. I knew that I wanted to be spanked. I knew that I liked BDSM. But, I also knew how difficult my experiences were with women focused on BDSM. I decided that a peaceful and loving vanilla relationship was more valuable than a red bottom.

Mrs. Lion knew better. I think she understood that I needed her to say yes if we were to be happy. She also realized that there wasn’t a downside for her if she spanked me. You know the rest of the story. We tried more and more kinky things. We liked some, disliked others. We both knew that those things weren’t the point. We grew closer and closer.

Guess what? Life also follows the formula. We are now in the “AND THEN” part of our story. We lived happily ever after.

By:
In: CBT

Within a few minutes of starting work, I was just as stressed out as I was last week. It didn’t help that the dog got something, and I had to chase her around to get it back. She’s been an idiot lately, and it’s taking its toll on me. It’s horrible to start the day with low-level pain and high-level stress. I also slept weird last night, and my neck hurts. It’s definitely Monday.

The good news is that Lion remembered the shower door and the coffee pot for a few days. Did I just jinx him? Will I be dragging out the spanking bench tonight? If he breaks a rule, I’ll have to. I already let him off the hook once. I can’t do it again, at least not so soon. His buns are already in need of a spanking. It’s been a while.

Yesterday, I turned the wax on. Lion took a long nap. Somewhere along the way, I had to wrestle the dog again. By the time the wax was all melty smooth, my arm was killing me—stupid dog. I think she has a screw loose. I told Lion I couldn’t do the waxing, and he said, “Poor Lion. No fun for him.” It didn’t mean no fun. It meant no oiled-up fun, but I fully intended to play with him. Unfortunately, later when I tried, he wasn’t interested. I always want to joke that I still get credit for trying. The truth is, I should have tried earlier. I bet he would have been interested if I’d tried closer to his shower rather than wait until a while after dinner. My timing sucks.

We will play tonight. I’m not sure what I’ll do to him, but he’ll definitely get attention. I tied him up last time. By rights, I should use IcyHot or menthol. He’s deterred me the past few times I’ve tried to use it. I’m just too nice, so I let him get away with it. At the very least, I should use clothespins on those sexy balls of his. Maybe some plastic ones. Not the mean, little ones. Just a few of the big evil ones. They’re bad, but the pain is spread over a larger area than the nasty little ones. Yup. Tonight feels like a clothespin night.

By:
In: Mrs Lion Comments

I forgot all about spanking Lion last night. We decided on take out dinner. I went to get it. We ate and I forgot to drag out the spanking bench. So much for the theory that having it in the bedroom makes it easier for me to remember. I think it sort of blends right in now. You know how you get used to seeing something and then you don’t notice it as much? I didn’t, however, forget about giving Lion some attention. The problem was that I fell asleep while playing with my weenie. He laughed at me. Lion, not my weenie. He said if I rub his balls, he falls asleep. If I rub his weenie, I fall asleep. It’s true. I guess we’re old and tired. [Lion — No, not really. When I was in my 30’s, a lover discovered that she could put me to sleep by rubbing my balls.]

When I get done writing, I’ll turn on the wax so it’s melted in a few hours. I’ll clean off the table and we’ll be all set. If I fall asleep while I’m playing with my weenie during the cleanup, I really have a problem. An oily weenie is a lot of fun to play with. It should have my full attention. I doubt that Lion’s oily weenie will have an orgasm. I need to tease Lion more. He rarely gets edged without having an orgasm the same night.

Lion has been doing his electronic Kegels and I instituted the one-orgasm-per-week rule. He’s been working on his book and that sort of takes the wind out of his sails when it comes to being horny. By the time I get my act together to play with him, it’s time for an orgasm. Plus, we want to see if the Kegels are making more progress. I’d say we should go back to what’s natural instead of forcing a certain number of orgasms, but I think what’s become natural is not doing anything. Forcing the issue actually seems like the best idea. Maybe not forcing orgasms, but forcing us to play more.

I know that sounds ridiculous. Why should we have to be forced to do anything? Of course, I don’t mean force in the sense that we don’t want to do it. I mean we need to bring it to the forefront. I don’t think it’s so much a problem of inertia as much as a problem of too many things monopolizing our thoughts and time. Stress and worry and not sleeping well are knocking us off our game. Once five o’clock hits, we need to punch out from work and our stresses and have “us” time. It’s time for a change of priorities. A chicken in every pot. Happy days are here again. Yes, we can. Et cetera.

By:
In: Punishment, Sex

I finally finished the latest edits on my book. I’ll start reviewing again today. When I am in novelist mode, it’s difficult to walk away and write a post here. As Mrs. Lion said in her post (“We Are Slacking“), she’s been busy too. Our sex life has been on hold, as well as our posts. I can’t believe it, but I left the shower door open on Wednesday night. Mrs. Lion discovered it when she went to shower, and there were muddy paw prints in the shower. Even if she didn’t notice that I left the door open, the pawprints sealed my fate.

After her shower, she smiled and told me about the door and the paw prints. It was the same sort of reaction she had when she catches me forgetting to set up the coffee pot. I asked her if I was going to get spanked. She said, “Of course.” I expected the spanking bench to come out on Thursday. It didn’t. Mrs. Lion spent part of the day at her office. That may have thrown her off. Friday night went spankless as well. Lucky me.

I’m writing this on Saturday afternoon. I suspect my luck has run out. Of course, one could argue that it’s been so long since the offense; maybe I won’t learn a lesson if I’m spanked today. Don’t spankings have a best-before date?

Maybe we can get back to our usual routines. I have been thinking about sex (hint, hint). I’ve been faithfully using the EMS machine. I believe it is helping me. It’s odd for me to consider Kegels for myself. It’s not a female-only thing. I wonder why my education didn’t include information about this subject. Every woman seems to know how important it is to keep the pelvic floor strong and toned.

I’d flex for you, but I don’t think you can see it.