Another View Of Orgasm Control
I like to read other blogs. It’s educational and a lot of fun to learn how others approach enforced chastity. Based on my reading and conversations, guys often think that enforced chastity means extended waits between orgasms. It seems to be a point of pride for many that they wait longer and longer. This eventually gets to the point where the caged male becomes disappointed that his keyholder didn’t make him wait longer. Recently, Steeled Snake’s wife and keyhoder, Charmer wrote in their blog about a recent experience. Charmer wanted sex. Snake obediently provided his penis. Charmer decided that she wanted him to come inside her. He resisted. He hadn’t come since mid June and apparently he wanted to wait longer. She wanted him to come then and there. Of course he relented and provided her with his ejaculation.
This episode surprised me. You would think that the male would be craving orgasm. The fantasies always depict the keyholder’s power in terms of forcing her caged male to wait for an orgasm far longer than he would like. For some guys, the reality is exactly the opposite. He wants to wait longer than his keyholder wishes. Orgasm control changes from denial to forced ejaculation. At first blush this seemed oddly perverse to me. However, after some thought I realize that orgasm control isn’t necessarily orgasm denial.
Orgasm control is, as the term suggests, about control. Control means that the male has an orgasm when, where, and how the keyholder/top wants. It isn’t necessarily orgasm withholding. It’s control. When most guys start out, control means making him wait; making him impossibly horny and still not being allowed to come. Once he learns to manage, even enjoy waiting, control can become making him orgasm sooner than he would like. The point is that the keyholder/top owns and controls his orgasms. The lesson he has to learn is that sex for him has nothing to do with what he wants. His penis and ejaculations belong to his keyholder. If she enjoys watching him squirm with unfulfilled desire, then she will keep him in that state as long as she likes. If she wants to see him ejaculate, he will do it whether his last orgasm was yesterday or a year ago.
Both caged males and their keyholders often misunderstand the essence of orgasm control. In the beginning it may be limited to fulfilling the male fantasy of endless teasing without orgasm. He may never give up on that objective. Hopefully it won’t take his keyholder long to understand the actual meaning of this power exchange. Her first objective should be educational; she should train her male to accept endless teasing with no orgasm in sight. She has to do this in a way that won’t scare him off. So, many start with short waits and build up to longer and longer ones. It seems logical. Right? I don’t think it is.
The keyholder is actually training him to go from sprinter to marathon runner. She rewards longer and longer waits with wonderful orgasms. He is learning that the longer he waits, the happier she becomes. Sometimes, this ends up with the man wanting to just give up on orgasms entirely. Some keyholders are happy to oblige. If the keyholder is practicing enforced chastity to make her male happy, then as long as her sexual needs are met, she will be happy to give him permanent orgasm denial. She isn’t really in control. She is fulfilling his fantasy.
If the keyholder’s objective is obedience and acceptance by her male that his erections and ejaculations are for her pleasure, she has to play the game a bit differently. In the beginning it does make sense to train him to accept waiting despite being horny and sorry he gave her the key. It won’t take long for him to learn this and even actively participate in supporting her wish for him to wait. Once he seems to be proud of his “gift” of waiting, it’s time to change his training so he will understand that the objective of orgasm control is not simply long gaps between orgasms, but sexual control. Teaching this is not as simple as making him wait.
One way to start this phase of training is to teach him that he will ejaculate when she wants. Perhaps, shorten the wait times considerably. Make them much less, as little as a few days, than the length that makes him proud of waiting. When you want him to come, even if it is on the spur of the moment, tell him to come for you. Telling him to come, especially when he thought he would be waiting much longer, sends a powerful message about who is in charge.
A lot of women don’t understand why a male orgasm has such a powerful effect. The older a male gets, the longer it takes him to recharge after an orgasm. This is known as the refractory period. In practice, the physical refractory period is generally anything from a few minutes to several days. However, the emotional refractory period in a male who has experienced enforced chastity, can be much longer. Some guys report a feeling of depression for days after ejaculating. Most males trained to wait will feel some letdown because they know a new wait has begun and the orgasm reminded them how much they miss when they have to wait. Understanding this effect provides some insight into the look of disappointment when the orgasm comes earlier than he expects.
Since Mrs. Lion has never trained me to wait for more than two weeks, with most waits being a week or so, I don’t expect to run a marathon. I still get massively horny thanks to her daily, very effective edging. My emotional refractory period is very short, less than my physical one. I’m emotionally back to normal in a matter of hours, sometimes minutes. I never know when my next orgasm will come, but I don’t worry it will be months away. I’m learning that I come when Mrs. Lion wants, even if the wait is only a day or two. I can also wait two weeks or more if she doesn’t want my orgasm. Disobedience is punished by withholding the teasing and edging I love. Mrs. Lion owns my sexual pleasure and orgasms. Period.
I think that this is more of a power exchange than the marathon waits that some practice. I’m being trained that my job is to get horny, be teased and edged, and orgasm when Mrs. Lion wants. Her pleasure is my objective whether it is to provide her with many orgasms or to give her mine. That’s our version of orgasm control.
Frustrated Lion
I don’t think Lion gave me a weather report at all yesterday until I asked him just before I was ready to play with him. He reminded me earlier in the day that it was maintenance spanking night and suggested that he might need a good spanking. The other day he suggested that maintenance spanking should be more like punishment spanking. Sometimes Lion doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut. I was more than happy to oblige him.
While I didn’t swat him as hard as I do for punishment, I was a bit relentless with the amount of swats. Generally with punishment I do six very hard swats, unless he moves. Then there are more. Maintenance swats are generally the same number, just not as hard. Last night the intensity was the normal maintenance swat but I did way more than six and they were fairly rapid fire. And when he moved he got another round of swats. He whined almost the entire time about it hurting. Duh! Isn’t that the point? Silly boy.
With a sore butt it was time for some teasing. I asked if he was horny. He said he definitely was. Yes, he sure was. I edged him and when I stopped I didn’t give him long to rest. I kept right at him until he was at the edge again. And again. He was so riled up I think a slight breeze would have done it for him. Then I decided to lick him. Torture! When he was calmed down a little I sucked him. Poor frustrated boy!
Afterward he thanked me for not waiting until ten o’clock. He says it really makes a difference. I guess the early bird really does get the worm…um…cock. He said he was really frustrated and reminded me that he was still wild. Yes, he was. So I leaned over and kissed Mr. Weenie. He’d be locked up in due time.
When I consulted my calendar before we played I noticed that his scheduled date was last night. Too bad he had just come the other night. I know Lion would have taken one for the team and had another orgasm. Good thing he doesn’t know when his scheduled dates are. The next one is a ways away. But so is Christmas, as Lion is fond of saying. And I don’t usually pay attention to the schedule anyway. I take his orgasms when I want them. They are mine, after all.
Good Boy! Words For An Obedient Lion
One of our loyal readers, mot0324, posted an interesting comment yesterday:
After all this time I am surprised that you want a “wild penis”. Having worn my JB for several years I no longer feel comfortable without the feeling of confinement.
You and Mrs. Lion have a great blog, thank you for sharing your adventures. And best of luck with the job search. Although I was able to retire early, I realize many folks don’t have that option, either mentally or financially.
First of all, thank you for the good thoughts. It helps to know that our friends care beyond enforced chastity and FLM. This reader brings up an interesting point. He said that he needs to be wearing his Jail Bird in order to feel comfortable. He doesn’t say what specifically, feels uncomfortable when it is off. In my case, I used to want the device on all the time because it meant that Mrs. Lion was in control and would provide stimulation. Going without the cage, I feared, would return us to the lack of sexual activity we suffered for years prior to our enforced chastity. To me, the cage was the symbol of the new, exciting changes we had made.
More recently, I’ve learned to completely trust the changes we have made. I no longer think that the cage is the driving force. Both of us have adopted enforced male chastity and FLM. The cage is a tool and a symbol, not the source of our changes. I don’t mind wearing the cage. I like it. It’s like my wedding ring; a symbol of my commitment to my lioness. Of course, it’s more than that. It physically prevents me from erection, and in a weak moment, self stimulation. It’s bondage that I experience 24/7.
So why would I wish for more uncaged time? I have to admit that it was more convenient. I could pee standing up without making a mess. I could touch my penis. Touching didn’t result in my getting hard. I think the cage and our commitment has made self stimulation close to impossible at this point. The cage isn’t needed for that. I liked being wild. Part of this enjoyment probably comes from the fact that I am not constitutionally submissive. I am learning to submit. I didn’t arrive that way. Mrs. Lion is challenged to train me to submit. Sadly for her, this lion is, at best, a switch. I’m more of a wild beast in need of taming. So an unfettered penis reminds me of my wild days when I could do exactly as I wished.
This might seem odd to you. After all, I asked Mrs. Lion to do enforced chastity and FLM. Some deep down part of my lion heart craves the control this provides. I recognize that and I do my best to cooperate with my taming. This is fairly unusual. All enforced chastity and FLM is consensual. The male asks to surrender. The female agrees to take charge. I freely admit that is exactly what happened to us. I knew this is what I need.
Initially, my desire to do this was driven by very hot fantasies about how it would feel to be dominated. I’ll bet this is what starts it off for most guys. Many dominant women promote these fantasies to put their partners in the right state of mind to begin submitting. In our case it came all from me.
As we also know, after a relatively short time reality sets in. A large number of couples abandon it at that point. Sometimes the woman finds enforced chastity and FLM exciting and will help keep her male’s interest alive. Strategic rewards and punishments continue to feed his original idea of how things would work and he stays engaged. I realized that Mrs. Lion didn’t have the tools to do this with me. She also was neutral, at best, about enforced chastity. Since I have decades of experience as a top (dominant), I helped her learn how to keep me interested and involved. It didn’t take long for her to work it out for herself.
Despite the fact that I completely understand the process, I began to become conditioned. I learned not only to accept orgasm control (the point of enforced male chastity), but enjoy it. With sexual stimulation as the reward, obedience became something I like to do. Now, with suspension of stimulation as a punishment, I’m learning that I can’t be even a little selective in what I choose to obey. I’m addicted to being edged, teased, and occasionally brought to orgasm. I need that and need it often. Withholding these sessions hurts.
All this circles around to the chastity device itself. I no longer need it to prevent me from unauthorized penis play and masturbation. I just don’t do it even when wild. Like the commenter, I am used to having it on, but I don’t think I need it there all the time. So, after a few wild days, I wanted more. No big reason, just because. It was good, I think, that I did. Because when Mrs. Lion handed me the base ring even after I asked for more free time, that little action sent a powerful message: It doesn’t matter if I think I can be good while wild. It doesn’t matter that I wanted some more time. All that matters is what Mrs. Lion wants. She wanted me back in the cage; so back I went.
There is a subtle difference between consent and choice. I consented to surrender control. Once I did that, I gave up the right to make individual choices that differ from Mrs. Lion’s wishes. It was very good that I wanted more wild time because it gave Mrs. Lion another chance to let me know that I didn’t get a choice. She wanted it on NOW, so it went on. Lions don’t get to decide.
Even more importantly, laid-back Mrs. Lion was assertive and had me do what she wanted even though she knew I didn’t want to do it. She has a hard time with “No!” I have a hard time with that too. My education in submission requires a lot more no’s accompanied with rewards for my instant obedience. As she stated in an earlier post, we both need our brains rewired so that our roles become automatic and easier. I need to learn instant obedience and feel the consequences and rewards when I react incorrectly or do as I should. I need to hear, “Good Job!” and “Good Boy!” when I obey. I also need the opposite along with punishment when I fail.
Mrs. Lion has a problem with this. She thinks it’s demeaning; like talking to the dog. In a way she’s right, but in a more important way I’m not unlike the dog when it comes to obedience. I am being trained to obey, even do tricks. I need the same kind of direct feedback to succeed. Over time, I will feel rewarded when I hear, “Good Job!” or “Good Boy!” Whatever works is what we need to do.
It Could Be Worse
In one of our email exchanges I asked Lion if he had any ideas for dinner. He responded with chicken parm, if that was ok. Yum! Definitely ok. It is a lot of work and, when I walked through the door, Lion apologized for not having any vegetable for the meal. I will never have a problem with no vegetable. Fruit either. I know I should eat better, but fruits and vegetables are not my favorite. Besides, it was a lot of food already. And spaghetti sauce counts as a vegetable, right?
While I was doing the dishes, Lion asked if he could lie down for a while. His back hurt and he wasn’t sure what he did to it. Well I’m not going to make him dry the dishes if he’s hurting, so I told him to lie down. I still needed to go to the camper for the food and Lion said he could help but needed to rest for a bit. When I was ready to go out he said he’d help, stood up, said “nope” and was back down again. So off I went, with the dog, to get the food. By the time I got back in the house my back had some twinges of its own. We make quite a pair. But I knew mine were just muscle spasms that would go away in a little bit.
That was pretty much our evening. He took some Tylenol and I just rested. Since he had had his awesome orgasm the night before I didn’t think he’d be looking for action anyway. And he hasn’t been sleeping well either. It was a non-punishment non-play night. Well it was punishment night but he had nothing on his list. And our not playing had nothing to do with punishment. It was just a day off.
Today we have some errands to run. As I drove home last night I was thinking about painting some Lion toes again. There’s really no reason why. I just want to. Well, yes there is a reason why. It makes him squirm. And he makes a funny face. And because I can. That seems like enough reasons to do it. It’s actually pretty funny that he would have such a distasteful reaction to something that isn’t very visible at all. He probably wouldn’t notice it unless I told him he had pretty toes. So, naturally, I point it out a lot. I could be worse; I could make him wear a diaper.
