By:
In: Lion's Journal, Female led relationship with discipline

I am beginning to understand why other bloggers who write about domestic discipline avoid getting into too many specifics. Some readers come to us with pre-existing assumptions about any activity that might cause pain. Some also come with strong beliefs about domestic authority. Even though what we do is completely consensual, occasionally, a reader will claim that consent isn’t really important because somehow the overwhelming need to be dominated, if you will, forces consent where it’s completely unreasonable and unfair. What we do is absolutely consensual. In fact, given my long experience with BDSM and D/S relationships, it’s highly informed consent.

It’s entirely too easy for somebody at the safe distance of their home computer to disparage us and what we believe. It’s also impossible for any of our readers to fully understand the dynamics of our relationship. Let’s face it, this blog addresses real-life experiences in two very controversial areas. Both involve one partner surrendering considerable power to the other.

Why do I feel the need for us to have this power imbalance? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me for wanting Mrs. Lion to control my ability to have sexual release and also take wider control over my life? Obviously, I don’t think so.

I’m convinced that the happiest relationships are rooted in unequal power balance and exceptional love. Nature abhors a vacuum. Emotional vacuums can be inadvertently created when a couple works hard to avoid having an authority figure. I can hear some of our readers jumping to conclusions. Power, at least as I think about it, isn’t absolute. Happiness depends on a couple’s ability to avoid prolonged disputes.

It’s perfectly natural for people to disagree with one another. Let’s say that Mrs. Lion and I live in a classic, egalitarian relationship. We’ve decided that we’re going to solve problems by consensus. We won’t make any unilateral decisions. We won’t take any action unless we both agree. That’s not such a bad idea. In fact, that’s pretty much the way Mrs. Lion and I operate.

Like everything else in life, our power exchanges are relative. A female-led relationship, contrary to popular belief, is not a dictatorship. I think our implementation of it is more of an agreement. It’s a way we can balance the differences in our personalities. I tend to be pretty outgoing and have no problem expressing how I feel about things. I like my own way. Mrs. Lion is much more introverted and very often would rather avoid conflict even if she doesn’t get what she wants. In a way, that’s complimentary. Our two personalities fit together in a way that’s not likely to cause any obvious issues.

Certainly, we have a much better chance than a couple who are both strong-willed and feel the need to fight out every single issue. However, sooner or later Mrs. Lion is going to be seething inside. It would be very easy for her to feel slighted. This could happen completely under the radar. Then, at some point, there is an explosion over some small issue that’s disproportional to its importance. I’m sure you’ve seen that with other people.

Our agreement to give her exceptional power is one way to even things out. Combine that with my wish to be sexually submissive and you get a win-win situation. It really doesn’t matter whether the power is wielded in a way that others consider fair. It only matters that it works for us. It could look completely insane that I get punished if I forget to set up the coffee pot. I don’t think it’s crazy at all. Neither does Mrs. Lion. I think we may have different reasons for believing it’s a sensible thing to do, but we come together at the intersection of forgetting to set it up requires some action on her part.

Let me digress for a bit. Topping from the bottom has a very bad reputation in the BDSM world. At least it does amongst online people. The common belief about topping from the bottom is that the recipient of domination actually calls the shots. Guess what? That’s almost always the case in a good scene. The myth is that the top decides what he or she will do to the bottom. The bottom doesn’t get a vote. That’s silly. In BDSM the most important part of any scene is the negotiation in the beginning. That’s when both people establish their limits and preferences.

It isn’t all that different in our female led relationship. We talk about how we think it should work and what’s going well and what isn’t. Believe it or not, I get a vote. I don’t get a vote when I break a rule or do something that we agreed I shouldn’t. I don’t get to decide whether or not I should be punished. However, it’s a rare time that we don’t discuss what happened after the fact. In other words, we are both improving the way we manage our relationship.

Another common myth is that the dominant partner institutes the disciplinary relationship and calls all the shots. This is very similar to the myth that a keyholder decides to lock her partner in a chastity device. Without exception, the concept of male chastity is introduced by the male. Women just don’t think that way. I’m not saying that once the topic is introduced, the woman doesn’t take over. In most cases she does. The same is true with our female led relationship. I introduced it and I suggested how it should work. Mrs. Lion implements it.

Mrs. Lion doesn’t expect me to be perfect in remembering my chores. This weekend, for example, I didn’t set up the coffeepot. That’s a chore I’m supposed to do every day. However, I wasn’t feeling very well and I just didn’t do it. Mrs. Lion didn’t punish me. She made a point of telling me that it was okay and she understood.

I don’t live in fear of her. I don’t like being punished, but I’m not frightened of it. What we do may not work for anyone else. I think we are very successful. We love each other and take care of one another. We hold hands a lot. In fact, we often fall asleep holding each other’s hands. Sometimes we reach for one another in our sleep. Mrs. Lion said we are just like otters. I didn’t understand the reference and asked her how? She replied that otters hold each other’s hands when they sleep so that they won’t float apart in the water. Yep, that’s us.

By:
In: Mrs Lion Comments

We spent most of the weekend vegetating. I unpacked a few boxes and hung some pictures. Other than that, I just did some laundry and we watched football on Sunday. Lion still isn’t feeling well so I’m sure tonight will be about the same.

At one point, we snuggled last night and I was just idly playing with my weenie. Lion said it felt good but he wouldn’t be able to get anywhere. I didn’t think he would. I was just snuggling. He might have been feeling horny but it takes a while for a body to recover.

Lion is very appreciative of my taking care of him. I’m never sure why he’s shocked that I do. He says no one has ever taken care of him the way I do. I find that hard to believe. It’s possible he doesn’t remember. Or maybe he was never really sick enough for anyone to step in. In either case, I do whatever I can for him. It’s the right thing to do.

Another right thing to do is to make sure I keep Lion safe while we play. He likes his balls tied tightly. There have been times I’ve tied them a little too tightly. He tells me and I loosen the rope. When I use the nasty little clothespins on the tip of his cock, I can see him struggling but he doesn’t ask me to stop. He’ll say he can’t take it anymore, but he never actually asks to stop. I will if he does. When I’m spanking him and he’s yelping, sometimes he tells me it’s enough and glares at me, but he never actually asks me to stop.

It’s my job to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t get hurt. Obviously he can’t see his buns or asshole when I’m playing with him. Things may be fine from his perspective, but I might see a problem. It’s his job to let me know when he can’t handle it anymore. He’s the one feeling things. Between the two of us, he’ll be safe.

By:
In: Orgasm denial, Chastity hardware, Lion's Journal

People on the Internet are famous for having long discussions about labels. They debate the authenticity of how various people identify themselves. This has been going on as long as people have been chatting online. Forums are particularly fertile ground for this sort of debate. Male chastity forms endlessly discuss “purity” of the amount of time a man is locked in a chastity device, how many orgasms he is allowed, and the various physical aspects of the devices he may wear.

A topic of particular popularity centers around the subject of orgasm denial and the value of a chastity device in the enforcement of this denial. Tom Allen, who publishes the “Edge of Vanilla“, is also a moderator on one of these forums. He decided to come up with a way of classifying the essentially orthogonal practices of wearing a chastity device and orgasm denial. If you click on this link, you can read his post. He proposes that we plot degree of orgasm denial on one axis and amount of time spent in a chastity device on the other axis. I’m not going to go through the details. I suggest you read his post.

What interested me about this juxtaposition is the idea that somehow by relating one to the other, you could learn something interesting about the man involved. In my case, I spent three years locked up except for teasing and medical visits. The next three were divided between lockup and long periods of freedom. 100% of the time from December 2013 until now, I have been in orgasm denial managed by Mrs. Lion. I never get an orgasm that she doesn’t produce for me.

I never wore the chastity device as a way of assuring that I wouldn’t have any unauthorized ejaculations. Both Mrs. Lion and I were absolutely positive from the very start that once I surrendered sexual control to her, I would no longer masturbate. I like wearing a chastity device. It feeds into my kink about bondage. I have a lot of trouble wearing one lately because the devices I own make urination into the toilet a hit or miss proposition. Still, I do enjoy being locked in.

I think that most of us are way past the point where we believe that a male chastity device is required for orgasm denial. In the old days when people believed the mythology, they thought that a device that was not removable was the only way to assure control of their ejaculations. Our community has moved way past that point and we understand that orgasm denial doesn’t require hardware.

That brings me back to Tom’s thesis. I don’t believe he is claiming there is any direct relationship between orgasm denial and wearing a chastity device beyond the inconvenience of trying to get off while wearing one. It’s absolutely possible to do it. It’s just not all that easy. It’s my understanding that Tom wanted to provide a way of talking about the degree of acceptance of orgasm denial and wearing chastity hardware.

In that respect, I applaud him. Just because Mrs. Lion denies me orgasms when I want them, doesn’t suggest I don’t get any. I got 51 in 2019. That’s more than a lot of guys who practice orgasm denial, but it’s still less than I might have had if left to my own devices. Maybe, if Tom’s matrix catches on, part of our profiles will be a fraction. Mine is probably 5/7 which represents my use of chastity devices and orgasm denial on the X and Y axes of Tom’s matrix.

If nothing else, this effort to translate these activities into hard numbers offer opportunities to see if there aren’t other correlations. Could it be that if you plot degree of submissiveness against frequency of orgasms you get more insights? How about looking at type of orgasms: masturbation versus intercourse? Maybe consider the ratio between male orgasms and female partner orgasms? If you like numbers you can have a lot of fun with this. I wonder what percentage of people in each of the quadrants of Tom’s matrix keep spreadsheets that accurately record their orgasms and the amount of time they wait between them? This sort of stuff could provide years of fodder for chastity forum participants. Thank you, Tom. You’ve given a lot of people something to talk about.

By:
In: Punishment, Mrs Lion Comments

Lion is still somewhat under the weather. He’s feeling better than yesterday but being in pain took a lot out of him. He’s been snoozing on and off this morning and probably will be for most of the day. He’s been apologetic and very appreciative of me for taking care of him. What else would I do? He’s the love of my life.

Despite what James thinks in his comment to Lion’s post, I am not a monster. Ironically, James, before I met Lion I would have said you were a monster for living a BDSM lifestyle – consensual or not. How could one person do those things to another person? Who would want that done to them? Freaks! I didn’t understand. Maybe I still don’t. I admit that I still don’t get why Lion would want me to spank him even in play. I do it for him, but it doesn’t really make sense to me.

Why do I do it? It’s simple. It makes him happy. Does it make me happy? Not in the same sense. I like to make Lion happy. Having Lion tell me it was a good spanking or he had fun makes me happy. I guess my satisfaction comes from a job well done. I think the same is true of punishment. I don’t see the point in punishing him. I mean, I see the point. It’s to stop him from doing something. But I don’t see why he wants it. Can’t I just tell him to stop interrupting me? Yup. Can’t I just tell him to stop being a know-it-all? Yup. Can’t I just tell him to stop annoying me? Yup. I have. I do. Is it frustrating that he keeps doing those things? Yup. What can I do? I can either stuff it or tell him. I’ve done both in the past. However, Lion wants to feel my control. That’s why he wants me to punish him. Let me repeat that, James. He wants me to punish him.

When I punish Lion, I’m not some crazy-eyed, evil person waling away on Lion’s butt. On the contrary, I try to make sure I don’t actually injure him. If he bleeds, I check to make sure it’s not a severe bleed. Now we know it’s likely because his skin is dry. Lion wants to feel the spanking the next day. That’s a sign that I’ve done a good job. Do I want to do a good job? Wouldn’t you, James? I know he’ll feel it more if I hit on his sit spot so I try to concentrate on those areas. I also know if I continue on the same spots for too long, he won’t be able to hold still long enough for him to feel things the next day. I have to share the wealth with other parts of his butt.

The punishments last as long as I want them to. They usually don’t last as long as Lion wants them to. Of course, if you ask him, he wants them to stop as soon as they get painful. That’s the fight or flight response. In his BDSM-addled mind, he wants them to go on much longer than I am willing to do. He’s not looking to actually be hurt. He’s looking for lasting pain. No, not pain that requires medical attention. If you look at strictjuliespanks’ posts, my spankings are far less than hers. Would Lion like one of hers? I don’t think so. I think he likes the idea of her spankings. The reality would probably be too much. I know it would be too much for me to do to him.

So you see, James, Lion gets what he wants. I’m not a monster arbitrarily administering punishments. He has his rules, that we came up with together, and he “decides” when he gets punished based on how well he follows the rules. I’m an ordinary wife who steps into the role of punisher when it’s required.