I am beginning to understand why other bloggers who write about domestic discipline avoid getting into too many specifics. Some readers come to us with pre-existing assumptions about any activity that might cause pain. Some also come with strong beliefs about domestic authority. Even though what we do is completely consensual, occasionally, a reader will claim that consent isn’t really important because somehow the overwhelming need to be dominated, if you will, forces consent where it’s completely unreasonable and unfair. What we do is absolutely consensual. In fact, given my long experience with BDSM and D/S relationships, it’s highly informed consent.
It’s entirely too easy for somebody at the safe distance of their home computer to disparage us and what we believe. It’s also impossible for any of our readers to fully understand the dynamics of our relationship. Let’s face it, this blog addresses real-life experiences in two very controversial areas. Both involve one partner surrendering considerable power to the other.
Why do I feel the need for us to have this power imbalance? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me for wanting Mrs. Lion to control my ability to have sexual release and also take wider control over my life? Obviously, I don’t think so.
I’m convinced that the happiest relationships are rooted in unequal power balance and exceptional love. Nature abhors a vacuum. Emotional vacuums can be inadvertently created when a couple works hard to avoid having an authority figure. I can hear some of our readers jumping to conclusions. Power, at least as I think about it, isn’t absolute. Happiness depends on a couple’s ability to avoid prolonged disputes.
It’s perfectly natural for people to disagree with one another. Let’s say that Mrs. Lion and I live in a classic, egalitarian relationship. We’ve decided that we’re going to solve problems by consensus. We won’t make any unilateral decisions. We won’t take any action unless we both agree. That’s not such a bad idea. In fact, that’s pretty much the way Mrs. Lion and I operate.
Like everything else in life, our power exchanges are relative. A female-led relationship, contrary to popular belief, is not a dictatorship. I think our implementation of it is more of an agreement. It’s a way we can balance the differences in our personalities. I tend to be pretty outgoing and have no problem expressing how I feel about things. I like my own way. Mrs. Lion is much more introverted and very often would rather avoid conflict even if she doesn’t get what she wants. In a way, that’s complimentary. Our two personalities fit together in a way that’s not likely to cause any obvious issues.
Certainly, we have a much better chance than a couple who are both strong-willed and feel the need to fight out every single issue. However, sooner or later Mrs. Lion is going to be seething inside. It would be very easy for her to feel slighted. This could happen completely under the radar. Then, at some point, there is an explosion over some small issue that’s disproportional to its importance. I’m sure you’ve seen that with other people.
Our agreement to give her exceptional power is one way to even things out. Combine that with my wish to be sexually submissive and you get a win-win situation. It really doesn’t matter whether the power is wielded in a way that others consider fair. It only matters that it works for us. It could look completely insane that I get punished if I forget to set up the coffee pot. I don’t think it’s crazy at all. Neither does Mrs. Lion. I think we may have different reasons for believing it’s a sensible thing to do, but we come together at the intersection of forgetting to set it up requires some action on her part.
Let me digress for a bit. Topping from the bottom has a very bad reputation in the BDSM world. At least it does amongst online people. The common belief about topping from the bottom is that the recipient of domination actually calls the shots. Guess what? That’s almost always the case in a good scene. The myth is that the top decides what he or she will do to the bottom. The bottom doesn’t get a vote. That’s silly. In BDSM the most important part of any scene is the negotiation in the beginning. That’s when both people establish their limits and preferences.
It isn’t all that different in our female led relationship. We talk about how we think it should work and what’s going well and what isn’t. Believe it or not, I get a vote. I don’t get a vote when I break a rule or do something that we agreed I shouldn’t. I don’t get to decide whether or not I should be punished. However, it’s a rare time that we don’t discuss what happened after the fact. In other words, we are both improving the way we manage our relationship.
Another common myth is that the dominant partner institutes the disciplinary relationship and calls all the shots. This is very similar to the myth that a keyholder decides to lock her partner in a chastity device. Without exception, the concept of male chastity is introduced by the male. Women just don’t think that way. I’m not saying that once the topic is introduced, the woman doesn’t take over. In most cases she does. The same is true with our female led relationship. I introduced it and I suggested how it should work. Mrs. Lion implements it.
Mrs. Lion doesn’t expect me to be perfect in remembering my chores. This weekend, for example, I didn’t set up the coffeepot. That’s a chore I’m supposed to do every day. However, I wasn’t feeling very well and I just didn’t do it. Mrs. Lion didn’t punish me. She made a point of telling me that it was okay and she understood.
I don’t live in fear of her. I don’t like being punished, but I’m not frightened of it. What we do may not work for anyone else. I think we are very successful. We love each other and take care of one another. We hold hands a lot. In fact, we often fall asleep holding each other’s hands. Sometimes we reach for one another in our sleep. Mrs. Lion said we are just like otters. I didn’t understand the reference and asked her how? She replied that otters hold each other’s hands when they sleep so that they won’t float apart in the water. Yep, that’s us.