I need to adopt this as my personal mantra.

Lion and I have a pattern. I get upset by something he does (or something I perceive he’s doing), I write about it, he feels bad, I feel bad, people comment on the post, he feels worse, I feel worse and then things work themselves out. I didn’t say it was a good pattern. Just a pattern.

I think I’m being clear when I acknowledge something Lion has said. He doesn’t. Last night we were talking and when I didn’t respond immediately he said I was not talking to him again. This time I fired back. He needs to give me time to get my thoughts together. Sometimes I stand up for myself. I need to make this a more regular occurrence. Not that Lion runs over me, but I do have a tendency to be quiet and not stick up for myself.

I’ve been having a frustrating time at work and I’ve often said that I can deal with work or home being difficult but I can’t deal with both being difficult. I don’t feel like I’m being heard at work no matter how many times I bring things up. Not being heard at home is even worse. Work isn’t going to get any better. I have the ability to make home better. And I will. At least I say now that I will. I’ll give it a good try, but my consistency is another problem.

See? The problem isn’t Lion topping from the bottom, and he hasn’t been. The problem is me. I let things bother me that are easily fixed with just the flick of a paddle. A few flicks. Not really flicks. Whacks. Good, bruise producing whacks.

You know, if I ever get my act together, Lion is in for a world of trouble.

[Lion – I am extremely anxious that Mrs. Lion does get it together. Maybe she can practice on our upcoming vacation. I would gladly trade a bruised butt and corner time for the way I feel when I also don’t feel heard.]

Last night, I had a silly thought. Why can’t Lion view his sling as a form of bondage? Of course that’s very silly since there’s nothing sexual about the sling that’s holding his arm in place while he heals. But, technically, it is a form of bondage. OK. Serious up.

I decided we should do our errands early so I can get the laundry done early and Lion can pack and then relax for the rest of the day. He didn’t sleep well last night. His shoulder hurts today. It seems like the perfect time to test out his cryotherapy machine. The laundry is in and he’s getting things all charged up for his trip.

Lion’s rules are suspended so I didn’t really notice if he put on his training collar before we went out. I do try to sneak a peek at his dresser to see if he remembered, or I try to connect to it with my phone. But, as I said, the rules are suspended. However, he was lagging a little behind me when I got in the truck and he said he had to circle back because he forgot something. I asked if it was the training collar. It was. He’s still trying to follow the rules. He’s afraid we’ll let everything go once he has his surgery and we’ll be back to square one.

Obviously, he’s not going to want sex for a while. He’ll be in pain and in no mood for love. Enforced chastity will just become plain, old chastity. But even though the rules are suspended, he can still try to follow them. We decided that, assuming he’s not loopy from drugs, I should point out when he breaks a rule. He won’t get punished, but at least we both know he’s trying to obey and I’m watching him. I’m not enforcing the rules, but I am still paying attention. That way it won’t be as difficult to jump back in once the rules are back in force.

In addition to that, we’ll decide when each rule comes back based on his recovery. It doesn’t make any sense for me to catch him interrupting me when he’s babbling on drugs. But, let’s say in a month, when he’s mostly off the pain meds, he’s coherent enough to understand that he’s interrupting, that rule may come back. If he’s able to eat without spilling everything all over the place, maybe in a few weeks, that rule can come back. If we’re going out and he remembers the training collar but can’t put it on by himself, he can ask me to put it on him. Then maybe that rule comes back.

There’s no magic formula to when the rules come back. It will depend on his progress and recovery. Maybe a rule comes back and has to be suspended again. That’s fine. We’ll just deal with it as it comes. The main thing is to maintain some semblance of FLR and, more importantly, communication.

We have not been playing. We haven’t been snuggling much either. I had the idea to let Lion take the lead on things, he rejected the idea, and I never really picked the ball back up.

This morning, Lion suggested he may need to wear the cage again. The implication is that the cage makes things happen. I don’t think it’s the non-cage that is affecting things. I’m just never sure when Lion is in pain or ready to play. There’s a cure for that, though: communication.

I could, oh I don’t know, actually ask Lion if he’s in the mood for snuggling or more. What a concept! You mean talk to him? Hmmmm. Could it be that simple? Maybe the cage makes communication happen.

We have had lots going on lately. Lion is buried in his iPad looking for surgery answers. I’m just buried in my iPad normally. Sometimes I look over and he seems busy so I don’t want to bother him. But that’s silly. He can put his iPad down for a while, just as I can. There’s nothing more important than snuggling at some point in the evening.

Obviously, if Lion is in pain, it may not be full contact snuggling. But there’s nothing stopping me from rolling over and at least holding his hand or snuggling up to his good shoulder. He wouldn’t even have to stop reading.

Whether or not we actually play or I edge him, it’s still important to be close. We have been talking. It’s just mostly been about surgery. We need more “us” conversations. “Us” is what will get us through the surgery and “us” will be around a lot longer than the surgery and recovery.

Tonight, “us” will talk more. That may lead to snuggling and activities.

Today is the first of the year. I was talking to my son the other day. His birthday is a few days after Christmas. I asked if he was staying up till midnight last night. He wasn’t since he had to work the next morning. Then he said something I’ve often said myself about milestones: It’s just another day. Very true! If we didn’t have a calendar in front of us, we wouldn’t know when a birthday or the new year rolled around. It would be just another day. Do I feel any different today than I did yesterday? Just because the calendar says I’m another year older, do I feel older? Nope. It’s just a psychological thing. 2016 was bad for a lot of people. I’m not sure it was particularly good or bad for me. It just was.

As I write this, I’m wondering if I should be using January 1 as a milestone. It’s an easier day to remember than March 26th, for example. But maybe I should be using the date Lion first went into the chastity device. Our chastiversary, as I call it. I don’t know exactly what date that is off the top of my head, but it seems like a reset should begin then rather than January 1. [Lion — January 9]

What the hell am I talking about? Lion’s orgasms per year. Yesterday I said he had 57 in 2016. [Lion — I was wrong. It was 58] If it’s important to keep track, and I’m not entirely sure it matters, we need a starting point. Should it be from the beginning of the year or from our chastiversary? Up to now, it’s been from the beginning of the year and I don’t have a problem keeping it that way. I just now thought it might be better the other way. No real preference. Lion and I will talk and see which way makes sense.

Now, when I was working from a scheduled orgasm date, I had Lion set up with orgasms on Christmas eve, Christmas day, New Year’s eve and New Year’s day. He didn’t like the idea of two days in a row. No problem. Several weeks ago I scrapped the idea of a schedule. His last orgasm was Christmas eve. At that point, I decided he wouldn’t have another one until the new year. It would only be eight days or so. He could make it. And then he became “broken”. His interest in sex waned. Even when I can edge him, I don’t think he really cares if he has an orgasm.

A few days ago, my head cold went south to my lungs. I have a similar cough as Lion has been dealing with. I don’t think it’s hitting me quite as hard, but it’s still annoying. I just didn’t feel like playing with Lion last night. However, I never told him we wouldn’t be playing. He got upset.

I’ve never gotten upset when Lion doesn’t want to play or can’t play because he’s “broken”. I did get a little upset when we didn’t have our traditional cinnamon rolls on Christmas day, but only for a minute. What’s the big deal about having them the next day? Absolutely nothing. So what’s with Lion? He knew I was sick. He must have heard me wheezing and coughing. Why would he expect to play? I think it’s because his mind was still on the New Year’s eve and New Year’s day orgasms. Even though I’d given up on the schedule months ago.

The bottom line is that there was a breakdown in communications. Somewhere along the way, Lion didn’t realize I’d given up on the schedule or I didn’t realize he hadn’t. As well as we’ve been communicating, we still need to do more. I don’t think we’ll ever go back to the way it was, but clearly we slip up from time to time.

Maybe there’s a lot more reason for wiping the slate clean.