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In: Advice for a new keyholder, Keyholder, Keyholder101, Sex

Mrs. Lion had promised that if, after all of the birthday weekend teasing, I am a “horny boy”, she said I would have an orgasm Monday. Yesterday was Monday and she kept her promise. I’m sure she’ll tell you about the fun in her post later today. I leave that pleasure to her.

I’ve been thinking about the role of a caged male. In my case, it is limited to experiencing sexual stimulation and occasional orgasm at Mrs. Lion’s pleasure. However, that is a much more limited role that many guys have. My situation is different in that Mrs. Lion is currently not interested in receiving sexual attention. I’m hoping this will change, but for now the arousal is all mine.

In a more typical relationship, the cage turns the male into a sexual genie. His role is to be a wish granter for his keyholder. All of the sexual energy he might of focused on himself can now be used on his keyholder. Also, his keyholder, knowing he can’t experience sexual stimulation himself, is free from the guilt that having orgasms while leaving her partner high and dry might have caused her. In fact, it may be a good way for a keyholder to think of her caged male. In the beginning it was probably all about making his enforced chastity fantasy come true. Hopefully that evolves into something much more interesting to his keyholder.

Enforced chastity has placed him in a situation where he expects to give pleasure without reciprocation. That aspect of enforced chastity is almost always part of the fantasy. He won’t be surprised when you start using him sexually. What he might not expect is that now he is caged, you can roll over after your orgasm and go to sleep with absolutely no guilt at all. He has become a sex toy that you can use and then put aside while you do other things.

This is not easy for many women to process, including Mrs. Lion. Sex was always about him, your pleasure always included an orgasm for him. Typically, when he came the party was over. Your orgasm was never the reason for the sex. Even if he was a thoughtful lover, you still had to keep his release in mind. He wasn’t going to be happy if you finished and forgot about his need. Now that he is locked up, he is your genie. You don’t even have to rub his “lamp”. He will quickly learn that his keyholder has sex and he provides it. Any male orgasms are rewards or events for the amusement of his keyholder.

This may be starting to sound like the classic male chastity fantasy. It isn’t, or rather it doesn’t have to be. The hard reality of not only having his penis locked up but also discovering that enforced chastity is not only about delaying his pleasure, but that it is more about increasing his keyholder’s sexual enjoyment could be upsetting when it gets through his head. Unfortunately, many enforced chastity relationships never get to the point where the male realizes that he has gone from pleasure receiver to pleasure giver. The reason this doesn’t happen is that his keyholder never takes the appropriate action.

It’s hard for a woman to become sexually “selfish”. She’s been conditioned to put her partner first. I think that one reason many couples give up on enforced chastity is because the keyholder just sees her partner’s lockup as more work to keep him sexually entertained. A lot of guys are very happy with that interpretation.

As a keyholder, you have to make some changes. The changes will ultimately make you happier and will give him the power exchange he wants. No, you don’t have to become an inconsiderate bitch. But you do have to consciously put your pleasure first. It’s pretty easy to do this. Step one: schedule when he gets to come next. You don’t have to tell him, but you will know it is some date in the future. Just that knowledge is a big guilt-reliever. Next, let him know he will come, but not until you decide the time is right and that the more he entertains you, the sooner that will be. Of course, you know that isn’t completely true, but it is very important for him to associate with his eventual release with your satisfaction with his services. Even in my situation, I love thinking that I have earned my orgasm. True, I don’t often have a good way to earn one, but when Mrs. Lion rewards me for something specific by making me come, I love it on many levels.

That’s the bottom line. Caged males want to be wish granters. They don’t want reciprocation. They want to provide you with pleasure without receiving any in return. I’m no different. That pushes my buttons. I bet it pushes your caged male’s too.

By:
In: Advice for a new keyholder, Female led relationship with discipline, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity

As I have written in the past, my first experiences in BDSM were as a bottom. I discovered that I had a lot of emotional trouble with the role. I loved the sensation play and I love being tied down. But I found myself feeling neglected and unhappy when things didn’t happen as I expected. At that time, when I was much younger, I became angry and pouty when I felt that way. I made the decision that being a bottom was just too upsetting and so became a top. In that role I controlled everything so there was no issue with disappointment. I was the same way as a kid. I have no idea why, but one of my emotional buttons is when I feel neglected or abandoned. When I was new to BDSM it never occurred to me to discuss this with my partner. Now, much later in life, I understand what is happening and I can speak up. Over the years I’ve noticed that many people in submissive roles have the same issue. In fact, everyone has to deal with this in one way or another. Some people shrug off disappointment. But I am sure that internally they are feeling pain too. They just smile and keep going. Eventually, it will build up and result in some sort of action.

Expectation management is the way a top (keyholder or disciplining wife) can prevent these feelings in her bottom. There are two ways to do this. The first is to never promise anything. Every interaction is a surprise to the bottom. This, at least, prevents the bottom from feeling betrayed or disappointed by unkept promises. There is a downside to this strategy. If the bottom gets less attention than he expects, he will still be disappointed. The other strategy is to communicate extensively; let the bottom know what is and isn’t planned. The downside of this is the considerable extra effort this takes and the loss of surprise.

I think a blended strategy offers the best way to prevent disappointment. In my case, at least, there are two things that push my buttons: not doing something that was promised, and no attention — physical or verbal — for what feels like a long time. If Mrs. Lion tells me that she will tie me to the bed tomorrow and torture me, my hopes are raised and I imagine the event with anticipation. Obviously, if she forgets and nothing happens I will be disappointed. I know she didn’t intend to hurt me. To her, the statement of what she will do is an intention at the time she said it. It’s not on top of her priorities, so if other things take up her time and attention, she could forget. It’s often the case that what is fairly trivial to the top can be much more important to her bottom.

I like knowing when my next orgasm might come. I am fully aware that on the scheduled day my lioness can tell me she wants me to wait longer. That’s part of the power exchange. But if on that day she says nothing and doesn’t give me the scheduled orgasm, I will be disappointed. It’s fair game for her to build up my anticipation and then on the day, tell me I have to wait longer. I don’t think it is fair to say nothing. This an sound strange to you. If I am scheduled for an orgasm and on the day (or before) told I won’t get it, I will be disappointed. But it isn’t the same kind of disappointment when the day is forgotten. I understand and accept that Mrs. Lion can arbitrarily cancel my orgasm. I will hate it, but I won’t feel rejected or forgotten.

That’s the key, at least for me. As long as I know that depriving me of something promised isn’t done out of neglect or forgetting, I am fine. I know the rules. I understand that being disappointed is part of the deal. Being forgotten isn’t. In fairness, Mrs. Lion is generally excellent about remembering me and making me feel wanted. Her problem, if anything, is being too soft. However, she has announced to the world that is now changing. I think it is difficult sometimes for people to understand the difference between conscious withholding of something and just forgetting.  Everyone, even Mrs. Lion, forgets sometimes. It’s easy to put a band-aid on it by acknowledging the omission. I just want to be remembered, not spoiled.

By:
In: Advice for a new keyholder, Edging, Keyholder, Keyholder101, Lion's Journal

We are still in the woods and Internet/cell phone free. I am writing this on Monday morning so we can run to town (15 miles) to upload our posts. You will see this on Tuesday. Monday was my scheduled orgasm day. I’m sure Mrs. Lion will fill you in on the details in her post later today.

Yesterday, I wrote about the need for teasing and edging to prevent male sexual dormancy. What if you take my advice and edge your caged male on a regular basis? He remains horny and wanting attention from you. So far, so good. You can extend his waits and guarantee he remains very interested in sexual attention. You can use this interest to encourage him to be obedient and attentive. This is what he asked you do to with him. You can extend his waits to avoid any loss of interest in the days following his orgasm. Things are perfect. Right?

Well, no they aren’t. A guy will find sexual satisfaction somehow. On one hand, locking him and leaving him untouched will put his interest to sleep. On the other hand, if you make him wait a long time and tease him regularly, he will learn to find satisfaction from the teasing and edging he gets. He may well want you to avoid giving him orgasms. He knows that once he ejaculates there will be days when things stop feeling so good. It’s true. Many males have reported this change.

Does it sound like enforced chastity is a no-win game? Don’t give up yet. To maintain maximum desperation for orgasm, you need to watch your timing. What enforced chastity forces you, as keyholder to manage, is your caged male’s ability to sexually adapt. With a combination of teasing and strategic wait time management, you can prevent him from going dormant or learning to substitute edging for full orgasms.

Based on my experience with Mrs. Lion as well as reading other males’ accounts of their enforced chastity, wait time control seems to do the most to prevent his body from getting used to any pattern of arousal. Every male is different, so the key is to vary your male’s wait times and see the results. You should be able to find a range of waits that keeps him horny and wanting, but not so long that he will find his satisfaction in edging. Be advised that this range changes over time, so you need to keep testing in order to continue defeating his ability to adapt.

In my case, it appears that my peak horniness occurs on around the fifth day of waiting. This has held constant since we started enforced chastity. I seem to plateau at that high level for the next week or two. Then, after the second week, I tend to start enjoying the edging more and more. I’ve never reached the point that I would be happy to have the teasing and nothing else. We’ve never gone past about three weeks. As my wait time wears on, more teasing seems to be necessary to keep my interest high. It becomes easier and easier to become dormant. At the same time, the teasing becomes more and more fun. The trick is to reach the point where dormancy won’t set in and the teasing isn’t so much fun that I will happily take that instead of orgasm.

For discussion’s sake, let’s say that my waits start either making me go dormant or train me to prefer teasing at around 21 days. This is probably a good estimate for me. Your mileage may vary. My frustration seems to peak at 5 days. I will be able to have a good, juicy orgasm at 4 days. So, again just as a hypothetical example, my waits should be between 5 and 21 days. That is the “sweet spot” for me at this point in my life.

One mistake some keyholders make is to make interval between orgasms the same each time. The male body is good at sexual adaptation, so your male’s wait times should vary randomly. That makes it much more difficult for his body to successfully manage his frustration. You are assured his attention and obedience will remain high with random wait times. Because the optimum longest wait for me is (hypothetically) 21 days, it doesn’t mean that I can’t get longer waits, or for that matter, shorter waits than 5 days. If I am made to wait 30 days or more a few times a year, I may lose my edge or not want orgasm so badly those times, but since my usual wait is shorter, I won’t “learn” to manage waits that long. Similarly, if Mrs. Lion gets me off after only a day or two sometimes, no damage will be done.

The essence of enforced male chastity is control. This control is exercised by managing the wait between orgasms and the teasing and other play the caged male receives. As the new keyholder gains experience, she will learn to read her male’s frustration levels and appropriately act to maximize his desperation for her to give him relief.

By:
In: Advice for a new keyholder, Edging, Female led relationship with discipline, Keyholder, Lion's Journal, Orgasm, Punishment, Spanking

I think enforced chastity is growing up. More and more people are opening the windows to let the dank, sweaty smell of perversion out of the chastity room and letting in the sunshine and fresh air of orgasm control. More and more reality is surfacing. Yesterday, Thumper wrote a post on the realities of becoming a keyholder. It’s a refreshing view of how he sees the role. I’ve written a few posts about this too. Thumper has a wide readership and good search engine coverage. I am very happy to say we do too. What that means is that more people will get a realistic view of enforced chastity instead of the fantasy crap that turns so many people off. There’s a new blog that presents what I think is a honest view of one woman’s introduction to being a keyholder. The Adventures of Miss Kitty and Rover is only three posts old. A woman who has been learning to top her partner is starting out as a keyholder. It’s an interesting read. If you haven’t seen it, I keep a list of interesting blogs on the right column of this blog. It’s updated to show the most recent posts. I regularly read these blogs and I think they offer useful and interesting insights into enforced chastity and FLM. I also think it is high time that we bloggers promote one another. I don’t lose you as a reader if I help you find other, more interesting things to read. It’s a sign of maturity that we promote one another.

This is one of those posts that will make things harder and more painful for me. I am writing it out of my desire to be completely honest about what I think is right for us. Mrs. Lion and I have been maturing in enforced chastity as well. Power has gradually shifted from my suggestions — sort of topping from the bottom, but really education — to Mrs. Lion independently owning my penis and its use. As Thumper pointed out in his post, this doesn’t often make me very happy, but it is exactly what I need. Use of my penis is completely up to her. For a long time she used it in the way she believed would make me happy. I did enjoy all the orgasms that yielded. But I didn’t like the degree of control I exercised over getting them. Mrs. Lion has taken firmer control. At my request, she has told me the earliest date I can expect my next orgasm. Currently, it’s August 15th, our anniversary. I still have nine days go to. It will be one of my longest waits. Mrs. Lion edges me every night just to keep my interest up. She is edging me many times each time. Before, she would edge me three or four times and lock me up. Now she keeps going way past that number. Before she is done, I am bucking hard trying to get past the edge. I think she likes that.

In fact, I get the feeling she is enjoying her keyholder role more and more. At least I hope she is. She seems to be learning that making me frustrated and unhappy with my wait is a good thing. She is definitely learning that making my spankings as painful as possible is the right way to do them. Monday night her spanking created a sore spot that I told her about. She made a point of hitting that spot harder and more often. On Tuesday night, our maintenance spanking night, she asked about the spot and then made sure she hit it. I really hated it each time she found it, but I have to admit I am proud of her for disregarding my complaints and doing her job as my disciplinary wife and keyholder.

I admit it; I’m spoiled. I’m very used to calling the shots. I resist when things go past the point I want. I don’t think I top from the bottom, but I let Mrs. Lion know when she has gone “too far”. I am unhappy with my current 18 day wait. That is longer than I want to wait. To quote an online friend, “Suck it up, buttercup.” I was unhappy with a sore spot continuing to be hit hard. It went past what I wanted; way past. My internal limit for a wait is 11 days. Anything past that feels like too much. Spankings should hurt, but not *really* hurt. Yes, I see the problem with that. These are soft limits that define the boundaries of my comfort zone. When we started out, it made sense to respect those soft limits. It gave both of us a chance to fit into our roles.

Enforcing soft limits is a form of control. Intentionally violating them transfers control from me to my lioness. I absolutely hate waiting 18 or more days, especially with more and more teasing. It’s horrible! But, you know what? It’s establishing Mrs. Lion’s role as keyholder. Ignoring my soft limits establishes her authority. Exceeding my soft limit on spanking pain is another good way. It’s harder to do. She may have to tie me down and gag me (to avoid my complaining and screaming) to do it, but the effect it will have is profound. I need to know without any doubt that I have no control; none. This hasn’t happened up until now for two reasons: First, it’s a lot of extra work to tie me down and gag me. Second, it’s very difficult to hurt someone past the point they want or expect it.

For this to happen consistently, Mrs. Lion has to embrace her role. I think she has made remarkable progress. Since she can’t add her own orgasms to the mix, any satisfaction she can get out of being my keyholder and disciplinary wife has to come from a different well. I know she has no love of power or control, so controlling me more completely won’t provide her with any new joy. One source of joy can be giving me what I need. That’s a lot different than giving me what makes me happy or what I want. By definition, her roles aren’t intended to make me happy, or for that matter, unhappy. They are roles of ownership and control. Does that equate with the more unhappy I am the better she is doing her job? It sounds that way, doesn’t it? I don’t think so. Yes, some pain and frustration is needed. Inflicting them is the only way to see if the power exchange is, in fact, working. My reaction to this 18 day (or more) wait will inform her about my acceptance of her control. I can complain a bit, even whine. If I get on her nerves, then she needs to let me know. She knows how to do that.

I freely admit that I have not let go of my wish to control or at least influence when I can come. I like to think I can stop Mrs. Lion from hurting me “too much” when she spanks me. I know I have to learn that I can’t do either, ever. This will take time and a lot of unhappiness on my part. Lions are stubborn and are not easy to tame. Poor Mrs. Lion.