By:
In: Mrs Lion Comments

If I didn’t know better (and I do), I’d say Lion has been gaslighting me. I’m almost positive it has more to do with detoxing, but it’s freaky nonetheless. Case in point, over the past few days, I’ve done the nonspecific pronouns thing at least twice. Each time, Lion says, “This is what I’m talking about.” I admit to these most recent slips. However, I know I used specific pronouns and I was very clear in the conversations about my boss and the coffee pot. How can I be so sure? I went over them in my mind before I ever said a word to Lion. I wanted to be positive I was communicating clearly.

A few weeks ago, after Lion’s last eye drop, I said we were done and I was going to work. He emailed and called me asking if I was mad at him because I left without saying anything. Since then, I am very clear when we’re are done with drops and when I am leaving. This morning, I told him we were done with the drops. He acknowledged me. A little while later he asked if we were done with the drops. Gaslighting. He said he’s getting senile. I said maybe I was too. Either one or both of us are losing their mind. For the past few days, I’ve been sure it’s me. It’s absolutely because of the drug or lack thereof.

Let me be clear. I know Lion isn’t gaslighting me. It just pops into my mind because I wonder if I’ve really done something I’m sure I did. I wonder if Lion thinks I’m doing it to him. What a movie-like twist it would be if we were both doing it to each other. Maybe we can write a screenplay together. Or maybe one of us already has and is testing it out on the other. Muah ha ha. “Criss Cross”. “Gaslighting”. Yup. We’re living this movie. I’m heading out in a few minutes to get my drugs so I can start them today. Let’s see if that helps. [Lion — I must be losing it. This morning I had absolutely no memory that Mrs. Lion finished giving me eye drops. Am I on the way out?]

By:
In: Lion's Journal
Mrs. Lion found this online. It has nothing to do with this post. We think it’s funny. (We like lion cartoons)

We are in our eighth year of blogging. Almost every day, both of us have shared our thoughts and feelings. Since this is a sex blog, we write about our kinks and sexual activities. In one sense, this is revealing the most intimate part of our lives. In another, it’s an anonymous diary of our adventures. That makes it safe for us.

The blog isn’t totally anonymous. My most loyal reader sleeps next to me. She reads about my feelings and experiences with her. Sometimes, it upsets her. When I write about things I might want to try, she often interprets that as dissatisfaction with what she is doing with me. Often, she will make an effort to make real what I share here. The result is that my dreams come true. Some of those dreams result in a wish I never wrote what I was thinking–disciplinary spankings.

All these words written about sex reveal little about the rest of our lives. You probably aren’t interested in that anyway. One thing about us has nothing to do with sex that I want to share with you. We are a very unusual couple. We both come from stressful past relationships; Mine left me desperately wanting peace and comfort. I decided that I would give up BDSM in favor of hugs and sweet love. Mrs. Lion also craved love and acceptance.

We had no way of knowing this about each other when we met. Even after we had been together a while and knew about each other’s past, we didn’t directly address this most important need. We didn’t have to. Even though we are very different in many important ways, we just fit with each other. Since this is a sex blog, let me give you a sexual example of how this works.

When we met, Mrs. Lion had no experience with anything sexual beyond the most vanilla activities. We found each other online at a dating site. We were looking for sex. The painful issues in our recent past made us reluctant to look for anything more. We fit right from the start. We met within a week of the first online contact. Our first meeting was anal sex in a motel located halfway between our homes. I can’t remember why it was anal sex. I probably suggested it. I am very sure she wouldn’t. Women don’t request butt stuff.

After we met at our motel a few times, I decided to break my self-imposed no-kink rule and asked if she would spank me. She agreed. She almost always says yes. Even now, eighteen years later, it’s the same. That’s one reason we can blog about kink. I have a good imagination, and Mrs. Lion is happy to indulge it.

I can’t fully articulate why we work so well. We both do things the other doesn’t like. So what? Maybe that’s the key. I want her to be happy. I want to become the best partner I can be. I can’t imagine being without her.

By:
In: Health and safety

Yesterday, Lion said I should start taking my anxiety medication again. He said it’s not worth having me suffer. I decided to ride it out. I’m not sure if I’m closer to being “clean” or if I still have a significant amount of it in me. By the time I got to work this morning, I was ready to tap out. I don’t know how to describe it other than saying that my brain and body are very angry with me right now. I want to cry at stupid stuff. I want to punch people in the face over stupid stuff. If there was a guarantee that being off the medication would restore my libido, I’d consider sucking it up until I was clean. So far I’ve seen no indication that my sex drive is returning. Of course, it’s only been a week since the last dose. However, it’s been one of the longest weeks of my life.

Before I left work, I sent a message to my doctor asking to restart the prescription. I guess you could say I failed. I say I’ve taken appropriate measures so I don’t wind up punching someone in the face over stupid stuff or trying to open the airplane door at 30,000 feet when I head for my son’s wedding. A grateful plane full of people thanks me.

Ironically, while I was driving to work this morning, I was thinking if I have the urge to punch people in the face, perhaps that would be the catalyst to make me punish Lion for pissing me off. The problem with that is I’ve always told him I don’t want to punish his while I’m angry because I might let my anger get away from me. I certainly don’t want to let anxiety-ridden me load up a paddle and start swinging. I could potentially go too far. I know Lion’s a big boy, but I don’t want to take any chances.

Another problem with anxiety-ridden me is she likes to eat a lot. I’ve gained about six pounds in the past week. That’s a horrible thing. But the worst part is that it has had detrimental effects on my relationship with Lion. I’m not talking about the communication issues lately, although it probably isn’t helping that either. I’ve been so distracted by ringing ears, pain and general “aaargh” that I haven’t been paying much attention to him. The few times I’ve tried in the past week or so, I’ve had to stop because I’m uncomfortable. He doesn’t want me suffering. I don’t want him suffering. It’s better to take the drug.

I don’t expect an aha moment as soon as I swallow it, but I hope things will be back to normal in a week or so. Just the fact that I know it’s there might go a long way.

By:
In: Punishment, Spanking

Back to revising for me. Sadly, I still haven’t found my fiction voice. I’m trying yet another approach, this time writing in the first person. I always considered this writing to be an easy out for bad writers. Third-person writing seemed to be a higher calling. Maybe it is too high for me. For the record, I am much happier in the third person. Descriptions are easier, and the plot seems to move better. This is just a test. Leave no stoned unturned.

I just read a headline on my Alexa. It said, “Broadway shows are first to open in Australia. Wouldn’t you say that was off-Broadway? Way, way off-Broadway. What do I know?

Mrs. Lion has been sending mixed messages. She posted that she forgives me for my conversational faux pas. Yet, she also said spanking me would help her feel better. [Mrs. Lion — I didn’t say it would make me feel better. I said I forgave him because spanking him was too much pressure given everything else. He said spanking would be a sort of pressure relief.] I suppose it doesn’t matter whether or not she has a reason. For the sake of lioness training, it makes sense for her to paddle me for pissing her off the other day. Then we can both make the connection between upsetting her and punishing me.

I’ve been thinking about my part in our disciplinary relationship. While it may be modeled on the way mothers punish children, it’s different in several important ways. Obviously, it’s a lot harsher. An adult male needs much stronger educational messages. There’s another, a more significant difference: I am an active participant.

A child is punished for breaking a rule that an adult creates. The child doesn’t create rules or help with enforcement. An adult partner has a lot more responsibility. The main one for us is that I help Mrs. Lion become a consistent enforcer of rules supporting my growth and well-being.  She has no problem consistently enforcing rules that teach me better behavior, like waiting for her to eat first, setting up the coffeepot (when we get another), and not spilling food on my clothes.

The challenge comes when my behavior upsets her. She hates it when I interrupt her. As she wrote in a very recent post, it is very upsetting when I don’t give her a chance to express a complete thought. Yet, she doesn’t punish me for those offenses. That’s when I have to behave maturely and help her. We both know that when she can consistently punish me for my annoying behavior, we will be happier. That won’t happen unless I help her.

Believe me; I wouldn’t say I like being spanked. The idea may turn me on, and being spanked may provide sexual fuel once the pain subsides, but it isn’t something I actively want. Ten or fifteen minutes of paddling is endlessly painful. It hurts to sit for days afterward. It may be fun to read about, but it is absolutely no fun to get. Yet, I have to ask for spankings when I become aware I have pissed off Mrs. Lion. Of course, once she develops the disciplinary habit of punishing me when I do those things, it will be better. In the meantime, it is my obligation to ask her to hurt me when I deserve it.