Waving a White Flag

Yesterday, Lion said I should start taking my anxiety medication again. He said it’s not worth having me suffer. I decided to ride it out. I’m not sure if I’m closer to being “clean” or if I still have a significant amount of it in me. By the time I got to work this morning, I was ready to tap out. I don’t know how to describe it other than saying that my brain and body are very angry with me right now. I want to cry at stupid stuff. I want to punch people in the face over stupid stuff. If there was a guarantee that being off the medication would restore my libido, I’d consider sucking it up until I was clean. So far I’ve seen no indication that my sex drive is returning. Of course, it’s only been a week since the last dose. However, it’s been one of the longest weeks of my life.

Before I left work, I sent a message to my doctor asking to restart the prescription. I guess you could say I failed. I say I’ve taken appropriate measures so I don’t wind up punching someone in the face over stupid stuff or trying to open the airplane door at 30,000 feet when I head for my son’s wedding. A grateful plane full of people thanks me.

Ironically, while I was driving to work this morning, I was thinking if I have the urge to punch people in the face, perhaps that would be the catalyst to make me punish Lion for pissing me off. The problem with that is I’ve always told him I don’t want to punish his while I’m angry because I might let my anger get away from me. I certainly don’t want to let anxiety-ridden me load up a paddle and start swinging. I could potentially go too far. I know Lion’s a big boy, but I don’t want to take any chances.

Another problem with anxiety-ridden me is she likes to eat a lot. I’ve gained about six pounds in the past week. That’s a horrible thing. But the worst part is that it has had detrimental effects on my relationship with Lion. I’m not talking about the communication issues lately, although it probably isn’t helping that either. I’ve been so distracted by ringing ears, pain and general “aaargh” that I haven’t been paying much attention to him. The few times I’ve tried in the past week or so, I’ve had to stop because I’m uncomfortable. He doesn’t want me suffering. I don’t want him suffering. It’s better to take the drug.

I don’t expect an aha moment as soon as I swallow it, but I hope things will be back to normal in a week or so. Just the fact that I know it’s there might go a long way.

2 Comments

  1. It sounds like you’re making a wise choice. I know it’s not easy to admit you still need help when you thought you would be okay without it, but it really isn’t a failure or a shortcoming. Brain chemistry is obviously a complicated thing; I doubt you’re as hard on other people who take medicine as you’re being with yourself!

    Hoping you’re feeling better soon.

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