I would be the first to admit that I am the poster child for laziness. I blame it on medical issues and the fact that, quite frequently, any extraneous movements will lead to days of pain. But the truth is, I’m just lazy. It’s ridiculous because I used to be very active. In a former life I played soccer; I helped my then husband build a house; I chased my kids around. And then as the marriage fell apart I got discouraged and lazy.
About a week ago Lion said my problem was inertia. I told him he was using a kinder word than laziness. But he pointed out that I do work hard. The problem is that when I am at rest I tend to stay at rest. He is correct. So I’ve been trying to do more.
Yesterday and today were sort of rocky days for me. I’ve been feeling like I’m failing as Lion’s top. He said he feels bad about it and we should stop. I told him I’d definitely be a failure if we stop and it wouldn’t make either of us happy. I realized this morning that for years I’ve been doing this alone. Other than asking Lion for help (which of course is him topping from the bottom) I’ve had no support. I can’t exactly talk to my coworkers about this. So Lion gave me this advice: be brave and don’t be inconsistent. He’s absolutely correct. I make rules for him and I don’t follow through. It has to be frustrating.
So I’ve got my work cut out for me. I’m determined to beat these bad habits. My Lion deserves it.
I think that such a small thing, my cage, can have such a profound effect on so many seemingly-unrelated things. Prior to asking for long term lockup, I read endless accounts of caged males instantly turning into body servants for their keyholders. After over three months, that has not happened to me. I’m glad. It’s just not my character. I also read about instant obedience and subservience. Nope, not this lion. For a while I was thinking that being caged didn’t change me at all. Since lioness doesn’t make me wait much for orgasms, maybe it was the lack of utter frustration that forestalled my metamorphosis. Maybe being satisfied prevented the changes. Or, more likely, maybe I’m not the person that would change in this way.
I’m pretty sure that having one’s penis locked up carries no guarantee that the person it’s attached to will become the simpering servant we read about. There is no doubt that some males do become this way, but I am certain the cage didn’t do it. They wanted to be that way the entire time and used being caged as a reason to let that part of themselves out.
There is a change in my case. It’s far more subtle than turning into a sissy maid. My cage forced me to communicate about my sexual relationship with Mrs. Lion. Like many long-married couples, we had fallen into a life of routine. Sex, if we discussed it at all, was an uncomfortable subject for me. I always felt I was asking for something without giving anything in return. As a result, my requests grew fewer, and my masturbation more frequent. Not that I am a chronic masturbator; at most I would jerk off a couple of times a week. Many times it felt really good. I was feeling a heavy dose of guilt when Mrs. Lion pleasured me without reciprocation.
So here I am, locked in a cage that prevents me from masturbating, or for that matter, getting an erection. Lioness has to take action for me to get any sexual activity at all. When I was first locked up, I waited. I didn’t have to wait long. About twice a week I was unlocked and masturbated. The guilt remained. I had started this blog and began writing about some of this. My keyholder, lioness began to contribute too.
Her contributions were eye-openers. I learned that she really enjoyed getting me off. I learned that her libido had waned and she just didn’t get aroused much. I wondered if that was because I no longer turned her on. Actually, I didn’t, but she made it clear that it wasn’t me. Thanks to the cage, this blog, and the wonderful people who write here, we opened a channel of communication that was firmly closed in the past. Better yet, we started to talk. We’ve shared emails with intimate thoughts and feelings. We’re communicating!
Has this magically cured everything that has troubled us? No. Life doesn’t work like that. What has happened is that we aren’t keeping all this bottled up inside. That’s a very good thing. It’s a new start. All because my cock is locked up in a little cage.
Lion’s post today is a sort of vindication for me. For years he’d ask if I was wet when I was done spanking him. I’d tell him I wasn’t and he’d say I must be. Well, yes, I was wet. From sweating. It’s hard work to get rosy cheeks on a Lion hide.
My concentration is on him. It’s on varying my swats or my strokes to give him the most pain/pleasure. Topping is a very physical and mental task. In taking my orgasm every night, I tried to give him a different hand job or blow job. Slow one night, faster the next. Sometimes squeezing his balls. Sometimes swatting them. Sometimes not touching them at all until the end when he loves them tickled.
Planning out a scene is difficult especially for someone who has been in the lifestyle as long as Lion. Sometimes I have an idea and when I’m done with it I see him laying there wondering what’s next. Me too! I just ran through my whole repertoire.
So what do I get out of it? There’s a satisfaction in knowing that I made those cheeks rosy or the balls tougher. And that Lion is happy. And I’m happy I made him happy.
I’m glad he understands that. Thank you, my pet.
Until very recently I hadn’t given a great deal of thought to how a keyholder might perceive her role and how it affects her. I think that we caged males expect our keyholders to get aroused by the various aspects of our being locked up. I did at first. It is an unreasonable expectation. For example, why would a woman be turned on by her male having his penis in a cage? If anything, it would make sex more difficult for her. We males are turned on because it represents the surrender of control. Should we believe that having control is arousing to our keyholder?
In the more than two decades I was a top, I don’t think that I found the things I did as a top to be sexually arousing. Being male, I liked to see my naked submissive partner. I like to see naked women. She didn’t find being naked for me to be arousing. She found being spanked incredibly arousing. As the top, spanking her was big fun, but not in itself a sexual turn on. The power over her was a turn on, but not the act. I loved all the things I did to her. It was fun and I enjoyed her reactions. But I wasn’t hard while I was topping. I was working hard and having a good time.
Sound familiar? I think we’ve seen keyholders here say that spanking us, tying us up, pegging us, and any number of other activities that get us really hot, didn’t really turn them on. They said they like doing it and it pleases them that it turns us on. I am guilty of expecting more; wanting them to be aroused. In my case, I should have known better. I’ve been on the other side of the paddle so long, I should have known better.
When I think about why I was blind to this obvious difference between bottom and top, I realize that a good bit of this is guilt. I understand that I am asking my keyholder to do a lot of things to support my forced chastity. I want her to get benefits from my captivity too. Is this a form of topping from the bottom? Am I trying to control her emotional investment in my chastity? It could be. In my mind it is difficult to believe that she can keep this up for long unless she is getting something out of it too. I have to trust that she is getting enough for herself to keep it up. Trust is a key virtue for a bottom.