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In: Edging, Lion's Journal, Punishment, Sex, Spanking

In her post yesterday, Mrs. Lion speculated that there must be times I am sorry for what I wished for. She imagines that when I am being teased and extremely close to orgasm that I regret not being able to seal the deal. I’m not sure that I do. The feelings are much more complex than that. For example, when I am allowed an orgasm, I am very happy that Mrs. Lion let me come. It feels wonderful. When she teases me and I know that it isn’t my time, my body wants those few extra strokes that will take me over the top, but my mind doesn’t. On Thursday night when Mrs. Lion held on while I bucked, I stopped myself when I hit the edge. I didn’t want to come then. I have to admit that when I did that, I was confused by my stopping. It took me over a day to finally realize that I had to stop myself. It wasn’t the time Mrs. Lion set. It’s one thing when she goes a bit too far and I have a ruined orgasm, but something completely different when I was in control and could come if I kept bucking. It’s true that she didn’t tell me not to come, but she did say that it wasn’t my day. I would have preferred her saying that I was not to let myself come.

We’ve discussed the idea that I should be able to stop myself from coming even if she continues stimulating me. Well, I discussed it. She was never a fan of that concept. She’s right. I don’t think I could do it and if I managed to learn, the control would pass from her to me. It makes sense that if she lets me buck and there is the possibility that I might get myself off, that she tell me her intention. Of course, she could tell me that if I keep bucking I can go all the way. She still has the option of letting go when I hit the edge. That would be an interesting variation on edging sessions.

She also talked about punishment and maintenance spankings. She is absolutely correct that I hate them. In another way, when she forgets, I do feel unhappy that she did. It is about the power exchange. It’s also about the spankings being a sign of her love. She does the spanking and the teasing because she knows it contributes to my happiness. Yes, I am aware that there is a contradiction here. It’s the same one that applies to edging: I really want that orgasm but getting it too soon can detract from my sense of Mrs. Lion’s control. She’s right that it isn’t the length of my wait that gives me the sense of her control. It is the fact that I know my pleasure is her decision and hers alone. The same is true with discipline. When I understand that discipline is inescapable and will be as severe as she wishes, I feel that thrill of her control. As she learned on Monday, there are times I just want it to stop; but I need it not to stop until she is done. Will I ever be able to stay in place regardless of how much it hurts? I don’t know. Of course, while it is extra work, she has the means to keep me face down until she is done. While I am not sure it’s true, I suspect that living through tied-down very painful spankings is training to hold still without the bondage.

By definition, there will always be times I am unhappy with the result of our power exchange. It’s when Mrs. Lion says I am being a toddler. Of course after waiting many days I want to come. Naturally, I hate feeling my bottom burning like fire. I am sure I will be very unhappy when I am spanked so much that sitting becomes painful. But as anyone who has been a bottom knows, the painful aftereffect of a spanking like that feels good because it is tangible evidence of a successful power exchange. I guess feeling the frustration of wanting to come but being stopped just before getting to the promised land is also graphic proof that I am not in control. There are times I am sorry I wished for all this, but they don’t last long.

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In: Female led relationship with discipline, Lion's Journal, Punishment, Spanking

In a recent conversation (Thursday morning emails), I reminded Mrs. Lion that it was punishment day and that I owed her for the incomplete spanking on Monday. She replied that she had been thinking that she owed me some swats. Both of us, of course, are correct. We both chuckled about how different are point of views are. The exchange also reminded me how punishment fits into my overall mental health. Many people have written that punishment makes them feel that they have “paid” for their infraction; absolution by pain. Well, I don’t feel guilty about eating a strawberry from my drink before Mrs. Lion had eaten. At boarding school this sort of gaffe would have earned me a dirty look from the table head.

What I do feel is a jolt of excitement. It isn’t anticipation for the spanking. Oh no. I hate that. It’s a feeling of gratitude that Mrs. Lion cares enough to notice when I break a rule. When she pointed out my error, I felt that little jolt. I wasn’t entirely sure why I reacted that way, but on reflection I realize that I was happy she cared enough to enforce her rule. I see her being strict with me as a sign of her love. I understand that others love the feeling of submission that punishment provides. It isn’t like that for me.

Surprisingly, it isn’t the punishment I crave. It’s the structure.  The fact that my lioness makes and enforces rules gives me a strong sense of being loved. This isn’t surprising given my past. As a child, I was a latchkey kid. My parents were never very interested in me. They both worked and preferred spending their spare time with other adults, not me. This led to a feeling of abandonment. They sent me to sleep-away camp starting when I was 8. At 13 I was off to boarding school. I’m not saying that this formed my current personality. I was always turned on by power exchange, even as a small boy. But it does, at least partly, explain why domestic discipline works for me.

Domestic discipline is often employed to help correct serious character flaws like cheating or drinking. It is also popular with people who want power exchange but don’t want to be “kinky”. These people generally are male dominant/female submissive couples who rationalize the practice with religion. They maintain the pretense that neither partner enjoys the practice, but must do it in the name of their beliefs. I suspect that even in these cases, domestic discipline is essentially sexual for both partners. Spanking the bare bottom certainly has a sexual component and is the preferred domestic discipline method of correction.

Back to Mrs. Lion and I. It’s undeniable that I get a sexual thrill when told I broke a rule and will be punished. It’s the same feeling I have had since I was a little boy. It’s obviously how I am wired. The spanking itself isn’t sexual to me. If it were, Mrs. Lion would have been rewarding me for bad behavior and she would need to search for other ways to punish me. The turn on is her power over me. The emotional satisfaction comes from the realization that she watches me and cares enough to correct me. It also comes from feeling her willingness to set rules and boundaries for me. That explains why hearing her tell me, “Good job”, or “Good boy” gives me that little zing too.

I know that Mrs. Lion sometimes feels that she is being “mean” to me, or that she is demeaning me when she says “good job”. By nature, she is a very forgiving, accepting woman. Being strict, much less mean, is very unnatural for her. She is beginning to see that when she is strict, I am happier and more interested in sex. What she considers demeaning or humiliating actually feels good to me. Still, we both know it will take a long time for her to feel good about being this way. It will also take time for her to learn how to watch for infractions and enforce them as soon after they occur as she can. When she dials all this up, I may learn that sitting down will be uncomfortable most of the time. A lion can only hope.

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In: Female led relationship with discipline, Mrs Lion Comments, Punishment, Spanking

The past few days have been challenging. I haven’t been feeling well and both of us have been tired. When I’m tired, I tend to take things to the extreme. Lion wrote a post about not being sure if FLM would stick for us and I took that to mean he wanted to stop. I read the post three times and finally, on the third try, understood what he was really saying. I encountered some problems at work and was sure things were so screwed up there was no way to fix them. Fresh eyes today prove things aren’t so bad. I have a twisted sense of humor. When I’m tired it gets more twisted. Actually it can get nasty. So I’m trying to figure out how to deal with being tired all the time and with being in financial trouble still.

Of course, on top of all of it, I am dealing with Lion and chastity and female led marriage. How do I do it? The answer is I can’t. Or, more correctly, I don’t. We haven’t played in a few days. Monday night’s failed punishment attempt is the last time we really did anything. We tried Tuesday night but neither of us were into it. There’s got to be a way to snap out of it. Eventually Lion will get a job. Or he won’t. In either case, life goes on. We need to suck it up.

Regardless of what happens Friday with Lion’s job hunt, the weekend is upon us. I need to do some manscaping and he will be played with. I won’t promise sling time or restraints, but we have to do something to get back in the swing of things. Maybe some fun spanking or anal play. Something. We need to break the monotony of recruiters calling, interviews, and waiting to hear. Yes, we’ve gone away and that does break things up, but when we’re home we’re just waiting.

I don’t do well waiting. One year I bought Lion’s birthday present in August and had to give it to him because I was too excited to wait. Then I bought his Christmas present near his birthday and had to give it to him because I couldn’t wait. I guess I should be happy to wait for job news because until we hear we can still keep our hopes up. I’d much rather hear and move on. Yes? Great! No? Now what? Let’s move on. There’s too much resting on the outcome to be comfortable waiting.

Tonight is punishment night again. Depending on our moods, I’ll finish Lion’s punishment from Monday and add some swats for making me stop in mid-punishment. I understand why he needed me to stop, but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be consequences. He could have explained his situation before I started. I probably would have postponed the spanking until today when he could handle it better. I’m not unreasonable. I might have told him he needed to take a certain number of swats and defer the rest. The point is, we had options. We always have options. We just need to communicate.

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In: Advice for a new keyholder, Edging, Female led relationship with discipline, Keyholder, Lion's Journal, Orgasm, Punishment, Spanking

I think enforced chastity is growing up. More and more people are opening the windows to let the dank, sweaty smell of perversion out of the chastity room and letting in the sunshine and fresh air of orgasm control. More and more reality is surfacing. Yesterday, Thumper wrote a post on the realities of becoming a keyholder. It’s a refreshing view of how he sees the role. I’ve written a few posts about this too. Thumper has a wide readership and good search engine coverage. I am very happy to say we do too. What that means is that more people will get a realistic view of enforced chastity instead of the fantasy crap that turns so many people off. There’s a new blog that presents what I think is a honest view of one woman’s introduction to being a keyholder. The Adventures of Miss Kitty and Rover is only three posts old. A woman who has been learning to top her partner is starting out as a keyholder. It’s an interesting read. If you haven’t seen it, I keep a list of interesting blogs on the right column of this blog. It’s updated to show the most recent posts. I regularly read these blogs and I think they offer useful and interesting insights into enforced chastity and FLM. I also think it is high time that we bloggers promote one another. I don’t lose you as a reader if I help you find other, more interesting things to read. It’s a sign of maturity that we promote one another.

This is one of those posts that will make things harder and more painful for me. I am writing it out of my desire to be completely honest about what I think is right for us. Mrs. Lion and I have been maturing in enforced chastity as well. Power has gradually shifted from my suggestions — sort of topping from the bottom, but really education — to Mrs. Lion independently owning my penis and its use. As Thumper pointed out in his post, this doesn’t often make me very happy, but it is exactly what I need. Use of my penis is completely up to her. For a long time she used it in the way she believed would make me happy. I did enjoy all the orgasms that yielded. But I didn’t like the degree of control I exercised over getting them. Mrs. Lion has taken firmer control. At my request, she has told me the earliest date I can expect my next orgasm. Currently, it’s August 15th, our anniversary. I still have nine days go to. It will be one of my longest waits. Mrs. Lion edges me every night just to keep my interest up. She is edging me many times each time. Before, she would edge me three or four times and lock me up. Now she keeps going way past that number. Before she is done, I am bucking hard trying to get past the edge. I think she likes that.

In fact, I get the feeling she is enjoying her keyholder role more and more. At least I hope she is. She seems to be learning that making me frustrated and unhappy with my wait is a good thing. She is definitely learning that making my spankings as painful as possible is the right way to do them. Monday night her spanking created a sore spot that I told her about. She made a point of hitting that spot harder and more often. On Tuesday night, our maintenance spanking night, she asked about the spot and then made sure she hit it. I really hated it each time she found it, but I have to admit I am proud of her for disregarding my complaints and doing her job as my disciplinary wife and keyholder.

I admit it; I’m spoiled. I’m very used to calling the shots. I resist when things go past the point I want. I don’t think I top from the bottom, but I let Mrs. Lion know when she has gone “too far”. I am unhappy with my current 18 day wait. That is longer than I want to wait. To quote an online friend, “Suck it up, buttercup.” I was unhappy with a sore spot continuing to be hit hard. It went past what I wanted; way past. My internal limit for a wait is 11 days. Anything past that feels like too much. Spankings should hurt, but not *really* hurt. Yes, I see the problem with that. These are soft limits that define the boundaries of my comfort zone. When we started out, it made sense to respect those soft limits. It gave both of us a chance to fit into our roles.

Enforcing soft limits is a form of control. Intentionally violating them transfers control from me to my lioness. I absolutely hate waiting 18 or more days, especially with more and more teasing. It’s horrible! But, you know what? It’s establishing Mrs. Lion’s role as keyholder. Ignoring my soft limits establishes her authority. Exceeding my soft limit on spanking pain is another good way. It’s harder to do. She may have to tie me down and gag me (to avoid my complaining and screaming) to do it, but the effect it will have is profound. I need to know without any doubt that I have no control; none. This hasn’t happened up until now for two reasons: First, it’s a lot of extra work to tie me down and gag me. Second, it’s very difficult to hurt someone past the point they want or expect it.

For this to happen consistently, Mrs. Lion has to embrace her role. I think she has made remarkable progress. Since she can’t add her own orgasms to the mix, any satisfaction she can get out of being my keyholder and disciplinary wife has to come from a different well. I know she has no love of power or control, so controlling me more completely won’t provide her with any new joy. One source of joy can be giving me what I need. That’s a lot different than giving me what makes me happy or what I want. By definition, her roles aren’t intended to make me happy, or for that matter, unhappy. They are roles of ownership and control. Does that equate with the more unhappy I am the better she is doing her job? It sounds that way, doesn’t it? I don’t think so. Yes, some pain and frustration is needed. Inflicting them is the only way to see if the power exchange is, in fact, working. My reaction to this 18 day (or more) wait will inform her about my acceptance of her control. I can complain a bit, even whine. If I get on her nerves, then she needs to let me know. She knows how to do that.

I freely admit that I have not let go of my wish to control or at least influence when I can come. I like to think I can stop Mrs. Lion from hurting me “too much” when she spanks me. I know I have to learn that I can’t do either, ever. This will take time and a lot of unhappiness on my part. Lions are stubborn and are not easy to tame. Poor Mrs. Lion.