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In: Female led relationship with discipline

Mrs. Lion and I have agreed to a female-led relationship with discipline. We signed up for it several years ago. So far, her authority is expressed by making and enforcing a few rules. They are:

  1. Set up the coffee maker every day
  2. Do not spill food on my shirt
  3. Make sure Mrs. Lion eats first unless she gives me permission to eat before her
  4. Update the Days-Since-My-Last-Orgasm whiteboard every day
  5. Don’t interrupt or act like a know-it-all (very rarely enforced)

That’s it. If I break any of the rules 1 – 4, I get spanked. Mrs. Lion is absolutely consistent. She almost never enforces rule 5. We’ve struggled with why it’s so difficult to move beyond those first four rules. I’ve believed Mrs. Lion has trouble enforcing corrections to my behavior when it affects her. She agrees. But that isn’t all.

No matter how you talk about it, FLR is essentially maternal authority. A male-led relationship is paternal. As I see it, authority can either be parental or judicial. We want spousal authority, but there aren’t any models of it that Mrs. Lion and I have seen or experienced. We resist the idea that Mrs. Lion has a maternal role.

We both feel a bit squicked at the maternal concept. It’s true that Mrs. Lion jokes that I am her oldest child. Like most women, she likes to think of her husband as strong and protective. She doesn’t want the pressure of having to be accountable for every aspect of our lives. She may reason that if she has a maternal role in our marriage, then I would be a dependant child. That’s unappealing to both of us.

In a male-led relationship, the husband is a sort of father figure. His wife isn’t a child to him. She is accountable to him and expected to be obedient. That model feels acceptable and easy to understand. Why does the same power exchange cause us trouble when the woman is in charge? In the paternal model, the woman isn’t expected to be a mouse with no thoughts of her own. She is a smart, independent woman. The only difference from a vanilla situation is that she has agreed to be obedient and accept punishment as needed.

I am sexually aroused when Mrs. Lion exercises her authority. Her consistent enforcement of my rules has effectively trained me. I like that. I’m not sure she agrees. Accepting that she trains me is difficult for her. It may be the idea that training is a maternal duty, not one appropriate for a wife. I think embracing the idea that maternal authority is just as valid as the more-generally-accepted paternal spousal authority is important for us to succeed.

A paternal leader/husband doesn’t think of his wife as a daughter. He sees himself continuing the authority her father had over her. She left her father’s domain and now is in his. There is no implication that she remains a child. In the paternal model, the woman remains under the loving, paternal authority of her husband.

Why can’t we accept this in the maternal model of our FLR? My obedience and acceptance of Mrs. Lion’s authority don’t imply that I am a child. She is just resuming the maternal authority I should have lived under as a child. I suppose the most child-like aspect of this for me is my desire to have boundaries that Mrs. Lion enforces. If she maintains strict control in areas of my life that would benefit from it, I will feel it as love and will benefit from the stability it offers me.

Maybe thinking of our FLR this way will help Mrs. Lion expand her control. She’s already exercising this authority when she enforces my small set of rules. She has no trouble paddling me when needed to enforce them. I think that once she (and I) embrace the maternal authority model, my boundaries will become clearer and my bottom redder.

By:
In: Power Exchange, Mrs Lion Comments, Punishment

Sometimes taking care of Lion gets to me. It’s usually a little thing that sends me off the rails. Obviously, it’s a combination of things and that last straw really does break the camel’s back.

Since I’ve gotten contacts, I’ve been using Lion’s mirror in the bathroom. I use the higher magnification side and I try to remember to flip it back over to Lion’s side when I’m done. This morning, I flipped it but I didn’t get it into the correct position. When Lion went to put his contacts in, the case fell off the mirror and he lost a lens. He said, “I would appreciate it if you could put it back flat when you’re done with it.” For some reason, this hit a nerve.

It’s trivial. What’s the big deal? Why can’t I just make sure the mirror is flat? Why can’t he just make sure the mirror is flat? Is the toilet seat up or down? Does the toilet paper roll go over or under? Who cares? It’s just a nit picky thing that pushes all the wrong buttons.

Again, I think it’s in addition to other nit picky things that aren’t worth mentioning at the time. There’s something in front of the coffee pot so he couldn’t put it together for tomorrow. Could he move the “something” out of the way? That’s happened a few times and when I look it’s been things he bought that have no home yet. A few times it’s been dishes. But the way he says it makes it sound like it’s my stuff. How dare I put something on a counter. The nerve!

No. This has nothing to do with sex. But it does have something to do with our power exchange. Lion is right that I hold onto things rather than make waves. But, in this case, I think I’m right too. There’s no reason to punish Lion for not setting up the coffee pot if he can’t get to it, even if I think he should be able to move it. It’s a little thing. There’s no reason to punish him for asking that the mirror be left in a certain position, even if I think he should be able to move it. It’s also a little thing.

The problem, of course, is when the little things add up. Do I punish him because this one tiny thing, added to the list of other tiny things, pushed me over the edge? I say no. Lion will undoubtedly say yes. Whatever he did that annoyed me should be punished. Period. I’m still grappling with that. It’s been very difficult for me.

[Lion — I know this is tough for my lioness. I’m sorry]

By:
In: Erections, Edging, Mrs Lion Comments, Oral Sex, Orgasm denial

We didn’t play Spankardy last night. Lion had been snoozing during Wheel of Fortune and I told him I could give him a play spanking any time he liked. We didn’t even wind up doing a spanking. It wasn’t necessary. After I’d gotten him a little excited I moved down to lick him and then asked if he wanted some real oral action. That’s always a silly question.

I wasn’t sure if he’d get to the edge or not, but I figured it was worth a try. I’ve missed sucking him. He’s missed it too. He was hard almost immediately. I got him pretty close if not to the edge. I could feel the sore spot as I sucked him. I guess it’s a scar now. Lion says it doesn’t hurt which is good. I would have sucked him longer but my sinuses felt like they were trying to drown me. As it was, I thought it was a very good first try in a long time. And now we know he will get excited even if he doesn’t think he’s in the mood.

Tonight, I’ll make sure I can suck him longer. Maybe we’ll even give a play spanking a go. Barring that, maybe I’ll bring out the rope or clothespins. I have many toys at my disposal to help get him super excited. It sounds like we can get back on track again. Lion will be frustrated in no time. Then it’s just a matter of keeping him frustrated until I decide it’s time for his orgasm. Now the question is whether I should start the clock from last night or back when he had his orgasm. This is absolutely an instance when he didn’t care about waiting for the first week or so. Since he hasn’t suffered yet, does it really count?

I guess I can answer right away. It absolutely doesn’t matter how long he’s been frustrated or even how long he’s been waiting. I just have to make sure he waits long enough and I get to determine that. If I say he’s waited long enough, I can give him an orgasm tonight. Spoiler alert: he hasn’t waited long enough. I will say that, when I decided he should have a short wait thrown in, I hadn’t foreseen his not caring about any sexual contact at all. With that monkey wrench thrown in, I don’t see how it could possibly be a short wait. It will take time to build him up to the level of frustration I require. Nope. He’s in for the long haul again. It may not be 20 days, but it won’t be 4 either. [Lion comments — Today is day 9, FYI in case you wanted to know.]

By:
In: Blogging

Blogging is one of the more interesting developments of the World Wide Web. Anyone with access to a computer and the Internet can publish a blog about anything at all. In some ways, it’s one step up from Facebook. Getting started is as simple as navigating to WordPress.com or Blogger.com. From there, it’s only a few clicks to becoming an online publisher. Of course, there are more technically-involving ways to blog. Our blog, for example, is independently hosted and managed by me.

The anonymity of the Internet affords a great deal of freedom to express things that would otherwise be very private. Certainly, Mrs. Lion and I would be uncomfortable sharing the intimate details of our relationship if we could be identified. For a while, I worried that we were being a little dishonest by hiding our true identities. I don’t think we are.

There is simply too much risk associated with allowing people we work with too much information about our private lives. That means people, in general, don’t really have the opportunity to share and question intimate aspects of their lives. Before the Internet, the only way to get any concrete knowledge about spanking, for example, would be to seek out and join an organization of like-minded people.

This was fairly easy to do in a big city. I lived in New York and on the back page of the “Village Voice,” an alternative newspaper, it was possible to find ads for such things as BDSM organizations. These organizations met in small, off-off-Broadway theaters and other semi-public spaces. Anonymity was treasured and people were careful not to recognize each other in public.

I joined one of these organizations and learned a lot and had a great time at parties and other events. I became proficient in many of the skills needed in BDSM and shared my knowledge at various workshops. I met like-minded people who were happy to play with me. The largest of these organizations had about a thousand members. Clearly, they weren’t going to be generally useful to people outside these major cities.

Lots of people have fantasies they would like to turn into reality. Short of joining one of these organizations, there was really no good way to do this. With the advent of the World Wide Web and Google, it was easy to just type in whatever interest you had, no matter how kinky, and discover sources of information. This was the birth of the blogosphere. Prior to this, information was available via various text-based systems. You needed a certain amount of technical knowledge to access them. I enjoyed a great deal of sharing on several of these.

Fast-forward to today. You can find blogs on absolutely any subject imaginable. They are sourced in every language on earth. The only problem with them is that there is absolutely no way to know if what they talk about is accurate. Sexually-oriented blogs tend to be expressions of their owners’ fantasies. They are often presented as fact, but really are just fiction and wishful thinking. Many of them feed off of one another. They quote each other and bolster their fantasies by writing a sort of Gestalt super-blog.

It’s interesting for me to try to understand what motivates people to write. Many bloggers are introverts who use their blogs as a way of finding some form of social contact. I think this is true of many sex bloggers. We fit into that category. We decided not to join the local BDSM organization. It had too much of a swinger flavor. We live almost 3000 miles from our homes and haven’t been able to find like-minded friends.

I am more of an extrovert than Mrs. Lion. I miss the people I had come to know who enjoyed similar things. I was very lucky to have found Mrs. Lion. When we first went out, she was a vanilla woman. She always had a very open mind and a willingness to discover new things. I stretched that to the limit. Over time I completely corrupted her. I think she’s happier since I did.

As far as I can tell, I am her only source for kinky knowledge. I don’t think she reads any of the other domestic discipline or male chastity websites. She likes her social media and her friends there are strictly vanilla folks. I wonder if her unwillingness to join the online conversation about our kink is an indication that maybe she doesn’t particularly like it. I’ve always worried that she participates because she knows it’s something I want. That makes me feel a little like I’m exploiting her.

From what I can determine reading other bloggers, it’s not unusual for the female, dominant partner to eschew reading online material about kink.  It doesn’t seem reasonable to imagine that all of the disciplinary wives are being exploited by their spank-seeking husbands. The reason could be simpler.

The simple fact is that it’s the men who ask for disciplinary or chastity activity. Because sex underlies a lot of this, the guys are driven to look for more exciting things to do as time goes by. Their partners, on the other hand, are probably more interested in evolving their disciplinary relationships with a view toward providing their partners with the boundaries they need. They aren’t driven by the sexual desire for more and more.

If you are wondering how all this ties together, I think in our case blogging moved from a simple desire to share into an opportunity for us to have a dialogue that supports our disciplinary and male chastity activities. One blogger recently wrote that he thought blogs that talked about the interest of the owner of the blog, died because the owner ran out of things to talk about. I think that’s true. Most blogs don’t last more than a few years at most.

The ones that keep going seem to be about the lives of their owners. Mrs. Lion and I don’t feel any pressure to come up with new ideas to titillate our readers. We’re satisfied sharing our lives and the trials and tribulations of integrating our kinks into a happy marriage. As it turns out, because each of us writes almost daily, the blog becomes an important communication channel for us. I think we are unique in this respect. Maybe this isn’t a blog at all. Perhaps it’s a sitcom, “Life With The Lions.” I hope we keep getting good ratings.