Last night was not Lion’s scheduled orgasm date. I thought about telling him it was and then saying “April Fools” but that seemed cruel. Then I thought I could tell him it wasn’t his night and giving him one as an April Fools “joke”. He wouldn’t have minded that prank at all.

As I was edging him we were talking about how long he had been waiting and how long he might still have to wait. I told him I was in a quandary. I wanted to give him an orgasm but that would be cheating. He said he would take one for the team. He even offered to go on an orgasm a day schedule. What a guy! He’s always so helpful when it comes to coming. He said he discovered that he has had two or three orgasms since I had my last one. When I thought about it, I counted at least four since my last one. He decided that was a pretty good average. For a caged Lion.

I still really wanted to give him an orgasm. Why? I don’t know. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was bucking and writhing. It wasn’t even that I wanted to taste him, although that’s always a nice treat. I just wanted to. He wasn’t arguing. It was just the idea that I would be cheating. So, while he was calming down from an edging, Me, Myself and I had an emergency board meeting. We decided that he should have his orgasm as scheduled, but there was no law on the books that said he couldn’t have one last night as well. Lion laughed at me when I told him, but he wasn’t arguing. Even as I was taking him over the edge he kept saying, “Don’t stop. Don’t stop.” But I wasn’t going to change my mind.

It was “just” a hand job. No frills. No licking. No sucking. Nothing special about it except he got to come. And I don’t feel guilty because the board approved. He still has no idea what his scheduled date is but for now he doesn’t care. He’s a happy boy.

Mrs. Lion and I have been working to integrate FLR* into our lives. In a lot of ways it doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Mrs. Lion does not like to take charge. I, on the other hand, have been a manager and leader my entire life. It would appear that the last thing I would want would be enforced chastity or FLR. But here I am locked in a chastity device for more than a year and starting a FLR including domestic discipline. To someone who knows us well, this would seem absurd. Mrs. Lion can’t understand why I want any of this. But I do.

It’s true I have enjoyed BDSM play sessions where I bottom and get spanked. But I have never shown any sign of wanting to surrender control of my sexuality or my life. Yes, I have had a long flirtation with enforced chastity, but never wore a device for more than a couple of days. I’ve never asked anyone to have authority over me. It’s way easier to understand why I want enforced chastity: it’s sexy and kinky and ends up with me having teasing and sex. The surrender comes with nice rewards. But what’s with FLR? There are no orgasms involved. I give up real control and allow my lioness to rule the den, and for that matter, me.

OK, you might say that I do get spanked and I always loved spankings. My first disciplinary spanking made it clear that there is absolutely nothing sexy or fun about domestic discipline. If you want to know why, take a look at our page on that subject. I may have had some idea that disciplinary spanking would feed my kink. It absolutely doesn’t. It’s pure pain. I don’t like pain that much. I think that Mrs. Lion figured that once I got a taste of FLR and domestic discipline, I would want to stop. She had the same thought about enforced chastity. We’re going strong over a year now and neither of us wants to quit.

Of course, we are past the point where I can back out of enforced chastity. It’s true we agreed that we would review our commitment to it next March, but at this point we both agreed it’s too late for me to back out. FLR has no escape clause. I was very sure when we started that in this case I would want to back out when I felt too controlled. You could see this behavior after Mrs. Lion proposed giving me housework chore lists. When I read her post about it, I pitched a mini-fit. She ended up feeling terrible that she proposed such a thing.

After reflection, I realized that her plan made perfect sense in the context of FLR. Of course she could make me to-do lists. She could punish me for not completing chores or doing them improperly. I didn’t realize how fragile her authority is right now. She is at least as uncertain about her role as I am about mine. My gut reaction was to pull back and say, “No Way!” If her self confidence were better, she would have said, “Too bad. That’s how it’s going to be from now on.” But she didn’t. She just felt bad that she made me unhappy.

My reaction to something I don’t like is to push back. Mrs. Lion’s is to withdraw. I screwed up. After all, this was my idea. I know how easy it is for Mrs. Lion to feel bad. Now I feel horrible. I hurt her for doing something I asked her to do. I was thoughtless and inconsiderate. I’m just no damn good at accepting. If it isn’t my idea, I don’t want to do it. This clearly has to change. It’s really unfair of me to expect Mrs. Lion to make the changes and grow an instant thick skin. I have to take responsibility for my reactions. Yes, I quickly backed down, but not before hurting my sweet lioness. On Thursday night I expect I will get a particularly long and painful spanking for this transgression. I deserve it.

I am committed to doing the best job I can. I can’t promise that I will never react negatively to new control. I do acknowledge that I have absolutely no right to react that way. The only acceptable answer for me is, “Yes Ma’am.” That’s going to take a lot of whacks on my  butt to make it happen consistently.

Mrs. Lion and I have some immediate changes to make. They are essentially identical. We both have to become more consistently aware of our places. I have to remember that she is in charge and I have no right to object to any decision she makes. She has to remember that she is the boss and that any negative response from me should earn me swift retribution. Yes, she can ask for my input. I can even ask if I can give my opinion. But in every sense, she makes the choices for me and doesn’t need my input to require anything from me.

If you remove the submissive and fantasy trappings of FLR, it all comes down to my complete surrender. I have to realize that I totally depend on Mrs. Lion to be fair. I have no vote. I know that, but I am very sure it hasn’t really sunk in very deep. Her firm response to my forgetting my place is what I need to learn to be her properly submissive lion. One thing I know for sure. No matter how hard it is and how much it hurts, I will keep trying. We will only stop if Mrs. Lion decides it won’t work for us.

* FLR — Female Led Relationship also known as Wife Led Marriage.

I started out this morning thinking that in order to make things go more smoothly, I just need to get out of my own way. I spend too much time worrying that I’m not doing things right. From time to time I think I should just adopt a baseball pitcher’s mentality. Don’t think, just throw. Put the ball where the catcher wants it. Sure you need to worry about that guy on first, but the primary obligation is to get that pitch into that exact spot. Can the batter hit it? Maybe. But you can’t think about that.

What does that have to do with anything? Well, I make a rule. Lion balks at it. I feel bad so I back off. Lion decides maybe it is a good rule. I reinstate it. I should just eliminate the intermediate steps and continue on. So what if Lion balks at it? He doesn’t have to like it. Maybe it is a bad rule. If so, that will become evident shortly. I should not allow Lion to make me feel bad. Unfortunately I’m not wired that way. The best I can do is try not to let him make me feel bad and if he does then I need to let him know, in the form of a punishment, that it’s not okay.

The problem, of course, is that being in charge is not natural for me. I do it for Lion. While he doesn’t spend every waking hour thinking about sex, chastity, or domestic discipline, he certainly spends more time than I do. I spend a minimal amount of time trying to figure out what I need to do to keep him happy and then it fades into the background again. Even when we snuggle I know his mind goes right to sex and chastity. Last night he immediately reminded me it’s been nine days since his last orgasm. Okay. I was thinking how nice it was to be close. It wasn’t a play night so I wasn’t really thinking about an orgasm at all.

Lion says I’m getting good at punishing him. His buns are still sore the day after a punishment. That’s just the administration of the punishment. I can hit hard. I could always hit hard. I can probably hit him harder than he ever wants to be hit. I was just afraid to do it. The difficult part is keeping track of things and wanting to add things to the list. Even when he annoys me I still don’t think about punishing him for it. It isn’t second nature. I’m not sure it ever will be. But I’m not giving up yet.

Lion's spanked butt 24 hours after the spanking
This is my bottom 24 hours after my spanking on Monday. It is still quite red and sore. Mrs. Lion reminded me that I should be this way to remind me to do as I am told. She used the heavy, bloodwood paddle with the rough sandpaper on it. I don’t think the photo does justice to just how red and sore I am. This is the first time I have ever had a mark 24 hours after a spanking and the first time I have felt it when I sit down after such a long time elapsed. You can see my cage peeking out between my legs

I realize that when I turn to discipline, you may decide you aren’t interested in this topic. After all, this blog is named for our original kink, enforced chastity. I continue to be locked 24/7 with release only for teasing and more and more infrequent orgasms. So, enforced chastity is certainly the kink du jour around here. We have expanded our relationship into FLR*. For us, at least, it plays well with our enforced chastity. I hope that by sharing this new interest along with our ongoing chastity, you will gain better insight into us, and perhaps help us grow in our chosen lifestyle. In other words, please don’t go way. Stay and see what we are doing now.

Last night, a full 24 hours after my disciplinary spanking, my bottom still hurt. Mrs. Lion said it was still red. I asked her tot take a picture and you can see it to the right. I don’t mark easily. In fact, other spankings administered as part of D/S play never marked me for more than an hour or two. This persistent redness is a sure sign that Mrs. Lion really means business. Of course I could tell you that from how much it hurt. That is the entire point:of punishment: to provide consequences to any lapse in obedience or memory. As I wrote yesterday, I did manage to squirm away and made it difficult for Mrs. Lion to finish my punishment. As she wrote, in the future I will be secured to the bed so I can’t get away. She didn’t tie me down before because she knows I like bondage and punishment isn’t to be fun. However, she’s decided that I will certainly not like the bondage any more than the spanking next time I get one. This is truly domestic discipline and not BDSM play.

I like to read other blogs, particularly ones about female led relationships and enforced chastity. That makes sense since we have one of our own on the very same subjects. Most of what I find are “action” oriented. They recount events that fit the topic of the blog. Others attempt to impart wisdom or provide “rules” for FLR or chastity. While most of what I find just doesn’t seem to apply to us, I occasionally run across useful knowledge and touching accounts of other real life couples.

There seems to be a sort of pattern to the way we males initiate and react to power exchange. Bear in mind that full-time power exchange is exceedingly rare. Very few people even attempt it. Of those who do, only a tiny fraction keep it up for long. Years ago, photographer Barbara Nitke published Kiss of Fire. This book featured couples who practiced full-time domination and submission. Now these people were not practicing Master/Slave or FLR. They just had specific power exchanges that were key parts of their relationships.

The images are striking. Ironically, shortly after its publication, none of those couples were still together. This isn’t unusual in the BDSM community. This instability, I think, results from the one-dimensional relationships people form when power exchange is the main reason they are together. I did an informal survey some years ago. The average power-exchange-based relationship lasted less than two  years. Does that mean an established couple will break up after adding full-time power exchange? It’s a fair question. Based on what I see, they don’t. Instead, the couple gives up the power exchange.

It’s clear that people who really want a D/S relationship will become single-minded and overlook everything beyond their desired role. I’ve witnessed it many times. It’s a form of addictive drug. Once the inner need to dominate or submit surfaces, it takes over its host and becomes a central, visceral need. Like a drug, it causes the person to make poor choices; very often committing to a relationship that has no basis beyond the D/S orientation of the people. Like chocolate cake, D/S may taste good but it can’t keep you alive for long. So, after a relatively short time, those relationships fall apart.

When the people embarking on a power exchange are already a strong, committed couple, if the D/S (chastity, FLR, etc.) starts to sour, the couple generally remain together and just drop the power exchange. That’s why there are so many enforced chastity and FLR blogs that haven’t had a post in a  year or more; the practice didn’t work for the couple and they moved on. Sooner or later something is just going to be too much.

Power exchanges evolve. The initial drive that starts things moving, like enforced chastity for us, if it succeeds, will spawn new ideas. As Mrs. Lion and I successfully integrated enforced chastity into our lives, the idea of expanding her control seemed like a logical next step to me. I asked Mrs. Lion to try it. She agreed. This is evolution. But there’s a catch. Sooner or later, one partner is going to say, “Enough!” It just becomes too difficult to go on. In a relationship where the sole basis is the power exchange, this generally signals the end of the road. In an established couple, this can spell the end of all power exchange.

However, it isn’t inevitable that everything ends because one partner wants too much. The best thing to do is call a cease fire and sit down to a chat as equals. Remember, it may be fun to imagine that the power exchange is absolute, but it isn’t. It is all consensual. The conversation should cover what is working and what isn’t.

For example, when Mrs. Lion took me at my word and announced I would be given a list of things to do (housework!), I had a strong gut reaction. I didn’t want to go there! Mrs. Lion was willing to back down. We talked about it (a lot of it right here in our recent posts). I realized that I was frightened about losing control. Mrs. Lion was feeling unsure of herself and actually thought of giving me chores as a way to fill my time and distract me from being out of work. The power exchange wasn’t failing. We just needed to consider what was going on and then get back on course.

The result of the conversations is that I will be given chores. I will be punished for failing to complete them. Mrs. Lion is aware of the emotional risk and the potential for me to feel exploited and small. We will both remain alert for these unintended consequences and will adjust if they occur. What a lot of people don’t realize is that the dominant partner is taking a big emotional risk by pushing control. Mrs. Lion loves me and doesn’t want me to be hurt. She doesn’t want me to hate her. She wants me to be a happy lion. This inhibits her at times from doing what she knows would be right. It’s my job to help her understand that I will hate what is happening sometimes, but that I love her for doing emotionally risky things for my ultimate happiness. And, if things seem to be going off the rails, we call a truce, sit down and work things out.

After our talk last night, nothing changed, yet everything is different. I will be getting chores. Mrs. Lion will restrain me for punishment since I can’t seem to hold still. She will continue with her course of action. The difference is that she knows I am scared of the change. She also knows that I support her in increasing her control of me. She knows that I may hate what she is doing but I love her for caring enough to do it. We both know that we can call a time out at any time and re-center ourselves. A win-win for us and our power exchange.

*FLR — Female Led Relationship where the woman has the authority and makes decisions for the family. In many cases, the woman also has the ability to discipline her partner as needed.