I started out this morning thinking that in order to make things go more smoothly, I just need to get out of my own way. I spend too much time worrying that I’m not doing things right. From time to time I think I should just adopt a baseball pitcher’s mentality. Don’t think, just throw. Put the ball where the catcher wants it. Sure you need to worry about that guy on first, but the primary obligation is to get that pitch into that exact spot. Can the batter hit it? Maybe. But you can’t think about that.
What does that have to do with anything? Well, I make a rule. Lion balks at it. I feel bad so I back off. Lion decides maybe it is a good rule. I reinstate it. I should just eliminate the intermediate steps and continue on. So what if Lion balks at it? He doesn’t have to like it. Maybe it is a bad rule. If so, that will become evident shortly. I should not allow Lion to make me feel bad. Unfortunately I’m not wired that way. The best I can do is try not to let him make me feel bad and if he does then I need to let him know, in the form of a punishment, that it’s not okay.
The problem, of course, is that being in charge is not natural for me. I do it for Lion. While he doesn’t spend every waking hour thinking about sex, chastity, or domestic discipline, he certainly spends more time than I do. I spend a minimal amount of time trying to figure out what I need to do to keep him happy and then it fades into the background again. Even when we snuggle I know his mind goes right to sex and chastity. Last night he immediately reminded me it’s been nine days since his last orgasm. Okay. I was thinking how nice it was to be close. It wasn’t a play night so I wasn’t really thinking about an orgasm at all.
Lion says I’m getting good at punishing him. His buns are still sore the day after a punishment. That’s just the administration of the punishment. I can hit hard. I could always hit hard. I can probably hit him harder than he ever wants to be hit. I was just afraid to do it. The difficult part is keeping track of things and wanting to add things to the list. Even when he annoys me I still don’t think about punishing him for it. It isn’t second nature. I’m not sure it ever will be. But I’m not giving up yet.