How Do You Punish A Masochist?
How do you punish a masochist sounds like the start of a one-liner. Let’s see: make him watch Donald Trump speeches, throw him a party. You get the idea. Actually this is a problem, particularly with enforced chastity. In behavioral psychology the way to extinguish bad behaviors is to ignore them. It works with toddlers. When they don’t get the attention they crave, they give up the tantrums. Some keyholders reason that by extending wait time, they will let their caged males know they are not happy with their behavior. But wait! Didn’t the guys ask to be locked up and made to wait? Isn’t using extending wait time feeding the fantasy that got things started? In my case I don’t think it is. It will certainly get my attention and make me unhappy for a while. But after a day or two I will find the erotic value of this wait. I am not sure this strategy is as effective as guys say it is. I asked Mrs. Lion to use this as a punishment when we first started. I did this because much of what I read and my own fantasies featured extended waits as disciplinary retribution.
For a masochist, spanking is very unlikely to be useful either. A masochist likes pain. It doesn’t mean he likes it when the spanking is being administered, but chances are pretty good that he will get aroused anticipating it and remembering the pain later. In fact, spanking is a very popular form of BDSM play. I like to be spanked as part of BDSM play. When I get a disciplinary spanking from Mrs. Lion I hate it. Anticipating one scares me. It doesn’t arouse me. Remembering it inspires fear as well. Of course, I’m not really a masochist. I like some sensation play, but I am not fond of the sort of sudden, extremely painful swats I get for being naughty. At the same time I love it when Mrs. Lion slowly builds up and gets my endorphins going in a play spanking. Anticipating that gets me very aroused. The reason it works for me is that my interest in painful sensation play is pretty limited.
In less than two weeks, we will publish our 1,000th post. To celebrate this millennium, we have asked another couple practicing enforced chastity and FLM to write with us. We would like your questions. What would you like to know about enforced chastity and FLM? Ask your question in a comment to this post.
I know for a fact that most masochists do have a limit beyond which pain becomes truly pain and not erotic fun. Punishment spanking must go well past that limit to work. It is, by definition, not consensual. A die-hard pain slut is impossible to spank for punishment. It just isn’t worth trying. Since withholding orgasm is actually what most caged males want, extending waits for punishment has dubious value. In my case, I will hate having to wait more, but might mitigate that by my fantasies about my keyholder. Mrs. Lion doesn’t generally make me wait for too long. My kink has more to do with control than abstinence.
The biggest problem with discipline in the context of enforced chastity and BDSM is finding a way to send a message about his behavior that also doesn’t arouse him at some level. The fact is that you really don’t have to do that in many cases. Even if your punishment has an erotic effect on your masochist, if it causes him to change the undesired behavior, you have succeeded. Of course, in my opinion, the most valuable aspect of punishment is its ability to deter future breeches. If he genuinely fears and hates punishment, a stern look will be enough to kill any disobedience or undesirable behavior in its tracks. Unlike orgasm control which is largely an erotic game for two, behavioral conditioning requires effective punishment and rewards and very consistent application of both.
Let’s face it, many women aren’t signing up for serious behavioral modification of their males. They like the enforced chastity power exchange and want little or nothing to do with actual punishment. Fair enough. That’s a choice each couple has to make on their own. Mrs. Lion and I have decided to extend the power exchange to a female led marriage (FLM). That requires me to be conditioned to obedience and proper treatment of my lioness at all times. She has the power, period. I am not particularly docile or well behaved as a disciplined male. Mrs. Lion does find it necessary to punish me. To my surprise, her spankings are amazingly effective with me. I genuinely fear them and go out of my way to avoid them. Her challenge is to be a consistent leader who closely observes my behavior. That will take time to develop and I will take time to truly learn obedience. Stay tuned.
Today is a New Day
Ordinarily I think of myself as an optimistic pessimist. Recently, however, I was told I’m actually a realist. Since I tend to lean toward the glass being half empty, I stand by my optimistic pessimism. The glass is half empty but the waitress may be coming to fill it up at some point. In other words, I may always feel down, but I try not to let it get me down. The past few days I have. We are still in the same dire straits we were in yesterday, but Lion has another interview on Wednesday so things may be looking up again. Life is a roller coaster. I don’t like roller coasters. I’m more of a Tilt-a-Whirl or Scrambler person.
I think we’ve both been pretty exhausted. We seem to sleep at night, but we’re not getting good sleep. Stress will do that to you. I was debating whether or not to play with Lion last night. About 9 I asked for the Lion weather report. He said he thought he was horny. Still, I debated. According to our relationship agreement (if you watch The Big Bang Theory you get the reference) I could have taken last night off since I played with him Thursday night. By 10 he looked so hopeful that I gave in. After I unlocked him and started sucking him he said, “uh oh.” I stopped. Uh oh? He said he forgot to remind me it was maintenance spanking day. Uh oh, indeed! I almost stopped to administer the swats then, but I was otherwise engaged. I told him he had something for his list on Monday and continued.
In less than two weeks, we will publish our 1,000th post. To celebrate this millennium, we have asked another couple practicing enforced chastity and FLM to write with us. We would like your questions. What would you like to know about enforced chastity and FLM? Ask your question in a comment to this post. Just indicate it is a question for the 1,000th post.
Lion loves to be sucked. I think most men do. Many women find it distasteful. I’m not one of them. I love sucking him almost as much as he loves being sucked. When I was done he told me it was perfect, except that I forgot to go all the way. Did I? No, I don’t think I did. I think I went all the way to the edge quite a few times. He laughed. I reminded him that Thursday night, when I offered to let him come if he wanted to eat it, he told me sometimes it’s nice to wait. Well, my pet, you don’t get to choose how long that wait is. One more day? Two more days? A week? You roll the dice and take your chances.
Part of me still wonders if it’s better for him to know the exact date of his next orgasm. Even if I said it was next Tuesday, I still have the power to give it to him Monday or Thursday. He could never be sure. Part of me thinks it’s better that he always think tonight’s the night. This time she’ll keep going. This is definitely it. Damn! I do know that I’m more likely to cheat and give him an unscheduled orgasm. I knew I would. But I did that when he knew the date anyway. Keep him guessing. Maybe tonight really is the night. We’ll see.
Orgasm Control Introduces Female Domination
The other day on social media I had a chat with a dominant woman whose partner was unwilling to wear a chastity device. I have been thinking about the role of the device in enforced chastity and female domination in general. Clearly the device is a fetish unto itself, however, it facilitates the key dominant sexual activity: orgasm control. I offered her some suggestions on how to gently introduce it into her relationship.
I enjoy reading blogs about enforced chastity. A surprisingly large majority of these blogs discuss chastity device wear as, at best, a part time thing. I’m not saying that a guy has to remain in his device 24/7/365, but I thought that most of us do. Apparently in most cases the device is worn when the keyholder wants physical assurance of her orgasm control, or just decides he should wear it as a demonstration of her dominance. Is this confirmation of the fetish value of the chastity device or is it a tool only to be used as needed?
My chastity device remains locked on 24/7. It only comes off when Mrs. Lion wants to give me sexual attention or when wearing it causes a problem, like when we travel in the RV or I go to the doctor and he will want my pants down. For us, the device has taken a special place in our marriage. It is now like our wedding rings, a constant reminder of our commitment, in this case to orgasm control. Not wearing a device full time does not imply less of a commitment. It just means that orgasm control is practiced without the physical kink. In fact, one partner or both may find the idea of a chastity device undesirable. Diff’rent strokes.
The more I read and the more I live it, I realize that enforced chastity is a very good way to practice female domination. Many men have wanted female control, but the only model they knew was dungeon-based dominatrix stories and videos. I think it’s fair to say that most women who would enjoy taking the reins, probably don’t want to wear black tights and carry a bullwhip. Orgasm control has appeal to both men and women. Many men have fantasies about their partners taking control of orgasms, and many women enjoy the feeling of control and power it brings.
Even if your guy hasn’t expressed any interest in sexual control, you can test the waters. Try masturbating him to the edge of orgasm and stopping. You know, edge him. See how he reacts. Does he get a little angry? Is he surprised and happy? Is he puzzled? Regardless of his response, fondle his balls or thighs. Wait until he has settled down and start again. This time when he is getting close, ask if he wants to come. He will say, yes of course. Keep going but stop at the edge. Smile and say, “No, not this time.” Chances are very good he will get into the game. Edge him at least one more time. Finally ask him again and if he says, “Yes,” either finish him off or tell him, “Next time.”
Very few men will soon forget this experience. Resist the urge to discuss it with him. If he mentions it, just smile. The next step is a bit more difficult. Next time he is interested in sex, you need to repeat the edging experience. He may initiate foreplay, but you should gently take control and get him on his back. Repeat the earlier experience. By this time you may be pretty aroused yourself. After you are done edging, tell him how hot it made him and tell him that you would like to feel his tongue. He may need a bit of convincing, but you can persuade him.
What you are doing is introducing male orgasm control. Unless he is a neanderthal, he will enjoy this new game. Every so often, you can let him take the lead and have intercourse. Ask him to let you know if he is close. Tell him you may want him to stop and wait. After the multiple edging sessions that won’t seem an odd request. When he gets close and tells you. Stop and tell him to withdraw. Congratulate him for doing this. After a minute or two, ask him if he wants more. Tell him you will want him to stop before he comes. If he asks why, tell him you love giving him the orgasm when you are ready. Smile sweetly.
There will be times that this won’t work. He may rebel. He may come when you don’t want him to. It doesn’t matter. Just keep going. After you have been doing this a week or two, ask him to stop masturbating. Tell him you want to give him all his orgasms. I think you will be surprised how happy most men will be to agree and obey. After a while, you can open the conversation about a chastity device. He may find the idea hot. If not, don’t be concerned. You still own his orgasms. And, once you own a male’s orgasms you own him.
Change
On the way to our destination last weekend, the truck reminded us it was time for an oil change. By the ride home it was demanding it. So today we are sitting, waiting for the oil change. And suddenly, Lion decided, after finding out he didn’t get the marathon-interview job, that it’s time to panic. Well, not panic exactly. Just time to decide what our next step should be.
One thing I have to give my ex credit for is knowing when to circle the wagons. We lived through many financial problems. His first response was always to cut expenses drastically. No more extras. He called it low tide mode. We had to wait for the tide (money) to come back in.
At this point, the tide is not low. It is non-existent. Time for change. Unfortunately that change now has to happen quickly. We should have planned better.
Lion is better at financial decisions than I am, but when this ship goes down it’s taking both of us with it. I cannot put all the decisions on him. Nor can he put them all on me. However, since decisions are not my strong suit, and I find them exhausting, should I have to be the decision maker for our sex life? Sure I have delusions that I will one day wake up and be all-powerful. I’ll have no problems telling Lion what to do and how to do it. But that’s not reality. It’s not even my fantasy.
On the other hand, if I make the decisions for our sex life, will that give him the piece of mind needed to make financial decisions? Not alone, of course. But if he is assured that I have the marriage/sex taken care of, will it help him in other areas? Just a thought. Obviously we need to talk this through. It’s important that neither one of us feels like we’re doing everything.
I am definitely not a fan and of change, but it is inevitable. In the past year and a half we’ve both changed a lot. We’re not done yet.
