Coming Out As Submissive
Last night Mrs. Lion was looking over t-shirts that we might wear at the April Kinkfest event. Cafe Press has a t-shirt for every occasion. One that she particularly liked read, “I can go anywhere I want, but I need permission to come.” Hoo boy!
I’m not sure I could wear that. I guess I have a lot more ego investment with how I am perceived by the BDSM community than I thought. It goes deeper than that. I don’t identify as submissive. Currently I am. I can’t deny that Mrs. Lion is in charge of me. But still I think of myself as “letting” her be in charge.
The fact is that she is the boss. She isn’t an in-your-face, drill-Sargent sort of boss; but she is in charge. I accept that. Well, I mostly accept it. This past weekend I realized that Mrs. Lion waits for my cue to play with me. I told her that I just figured she would play with me when she wants. Then I started thinking about what I said.
From a fantasy perspective, the dominant woman plays with her bottom for her amusement. He just accepts it submissively. From what I’ve seen, this is rarely the case. It certainly isn’t with Mrs. Lion and I. BDSM play is something she does for me. She knows it’s something I want.
It isn’t really fair of me to insist she also decide when I want it. I suppose we should set up a signal or a fixed day for this activity. Yes, it isn’t the spontaneous action of my fantasies, but it is a realistic way to keep this sane. Maybe we should run it the same way as we do punishments. Monday and Thursday are punishment days. Mrs. Lion has the option of accumulating my sins and delivering retribution on those days; or she can punish me any other time.
We set up the punishment days as a teaching tool for domestic discipline. At this point, Mrs. Lion rarely waits to punish me. But we both like the ritual. So, punishment days remain. What if we did this same sort of thing for BDSM play? A specific time could be set aside for it. That doesn’t mean Mrs. Lion won’t take other opportunities, but we know that the scheduled day will have some play in it.
I like this idea. It allows me to let go of requesting play. It frees Mrs. Lion from worrying that she is neglecting me. It also frees her from wondering if I am in the mood to play.
This brings me back to my original thought. If I get play on demand, it doesn’t make me feel submissive. Of course, you may wonder if I want to think of myself as submissive. I don’t think I do. But should I? Should I get that t-shirt and wear it even if it feels humiliating to me? Mrs. Lion doesn’t think it’s necessary. I would rather not. What is the right thing for me to do?
Playtime for Lion
Lion lasted just over three minutes with an enema yesterday. In fairness, it was a Fleet enema which is supposed to work quickly. Next time we’ll use plain, warm water. He should be able to hold that longer.
While he was taking care of business, I searched for a few paddles I knew were hiding in the spare bedroom. Everything is hiding in there. It’s basically a large closet with a bed under mounds of stuff. I found the paddles I was looking for, plus a few more things. I’d been looking for the smaller nJoy butt plug for about a week. Lion ordered some new butt plugs and I wanted to see if they were bigger than the nJoy. One is bigger, but only by a little bit. The other is much larger.
Since Lion was all cleaned out and I had the nJoy in my hand, I decided he should have some anal play. Sometimes, after a long time away from anal play, he needs some priming before he can take even the smaller nJoy plug. He assured me it would be fine, and it was.
I need to back up a little bit. I noticed last week that Lion’s balls were getting a little fuzzy. I’m not sure when we manscaped last, but I wanted to take care of the fuzziness. I hadn’t really planned on playing at that exact moment. I remembered his furry balls, then I remembered the enema, then I found the nJoy and other paddles. It all just fell into place. As we were playing, Lion said he’d have to change his post. I knew he wrote one but hadn’t read it. Apparently he was lamenting the lack of play. It’s true. We haven’t played in a while. I mean, really played. I pulled out some clothespins about a week ago. Sometimes I slap Lion’s balls while I edge him. I guess those don’t count as actual play.
So, quite by accident, I did what Lion wanted me to do without realizing he wanted me to do it. Which, I think, is a problem. Not that I did what he wanted me to do, but that he didn’t tell me what he wanted. He says he doesn’t want to run things. I get that. But if he wrote a post, wouldn’t I read it and know he wanted play? And if I’m using clothespins and smacking his balls while I edge them, thinking it’s playing, and he doesn’t think it’s playing, that’s a problem too.
Anyway, with the nJoy firmly ensconced in Lion’s nether region, I took a nasty little flogger and whacked his balls. It’s probably too light to do anything to his tush, but I got it because it was a size I could handle. Most of the other floggers we have were made for Lion. And he knows what he’s doing with them. I have an aversion to things that are too flexible. They don’t go where I tell them to go and have a tendency to wrap. This little one is easier to use, but I still choked up a lot on the handle. At certain points, I was even holding it by the tails so I could be sure I was only hitting his balls. It’s more difficult to get any sort of force that way, but I didn’t want to hit vary hard. We are talking about his balls here. They can’t take much of a whomping.
By alternating between edging and smacking, I got Lion very hard. I know he was happy since he was able to come with only a day’s rest since his last orgasm. He has needed a two day rest recently. I’m not sure if it was the butt plug, the flogger, or a combination that got him so excited. I guess we’ll need to play more often. Once I get a clarification of what play is.
In my quest for toys, I also brought the blindfold upstairs from the dungeon. Months ago we talked about it and we each said we’d look for it downstairs. I figured, since I was thinking of it, I’d go get it. Now Lion has another thing to look forward to. Or dread. I’m not sure which.
Sunday Afternoon With Lioness 2.0
We celebrated Mrs. Lion’s birthday on Saturday. It was great. We went out to dinner and stuffed ourselves. We returned home, watched TV and went to sleep. Now, it’s late Sunday afternoon. We are doing a few chores and ran a couple of short errands. It was a lazy Sunday. Then about 4PM on Sunday, 2.0 stopped by.
I had just finished getting corned beef cooking. We were having corned beef and cabbage for dinner. When I entered the bedroom, I saw an array of toys on the bed. Mrs. Lion had gone mining in our guest room. She unearthed a very mean leather strap and two vicious rubber straps as well. She also found a small flogger made from very stiff pieces of black-dyed rawhide. She reminded me that we got that for ball whipping.
When I asked what she was up to, she said that she wanted to remove all the wimpy spanking implements in her behind-the-bedroom-door toy holder (shoe rack) and replace them with more painful ones. That way, she explained, I wouldn’t be in danger of picking something inappropriate for punishing me. How considerate!
I pointed out that I would never select any of those straps. She said that she understood that. But, she said that she could well select one herself. One benefit of making me pick the tool to punish me is that I can avoid the obviously murderous implements. Even the dark cloud of disciplinary spanking has that silver lining.
Yesterday it was play time. 2.0 found it fun to use that nasty little flogger on my balls. She worked hard to get them a uniform, painful red. She made the extra effort of holding them up so she could minister to the underside too. This took quite a while. She took breaks to play with her penis. Despite the sting and the fact I came only two days ago, her weenie remained hard.
Her swats to my balls stung like hell. I yelped at each stroke. 2.0 didn’t seem to notice. Even now, several hours after the play, my balls still sting. Anyway, when she had achieved the shade of red she wanted, her attention turned to her penis. She edged me several times and then finally let me orgasm.
I was surprised because I was able to get hard and orgasm so close to my last release. I also didn’t expect 2.0 to let me come. Perhaps her experiment with my orgasms is having an effect. The other times she attempted to get me off two days after an orgasm, I didn’t even get hard. This time I was ready to go. It’s either because I needed the BDSM play to start my engine, or because the frequent orgasms are training my body to cycle more rapidly. Or, it could be both.
When I started cooking yesterday afternoon, I was sure that we wouldn’t play at all this weekend. I felt a bit bummed by that. I should know by now that you just can’t predict what a lioness will do next, especially 2.0. She’s proven time and time again that she can bring me to life any time she wants. She also wields a mean, ball-swatting flogger.
More Sickeningly Sweet Drivel
Lion was a very good boy yesterday. We went out for groceries and he remembered his training collar. I watched him put on his underwear and I was pretty sure he’d forgotten. Either it was hidden or he remembered after the fact. Whatever the case, he had it on and got a few vibrations throughout the day to remind him I knew he was wearing it.
Yesterday was also my birthday. I mentioned at work on Friday that I hoped Lion hadn’t made any dinner reservations. I didn’t really want to go out. To me, my birthday is just another day. To Lion, it’s the day his Lioness was born so he likes to make a big deal out of it. He hadn’t made dinner reservations, but he did want to go out to celebrate. I finally decided on Olive Garden. Lion loves it and the food is good. We ate too much and had fun. We could have had fun at Burger King or at home. We don’t need an occasion or a restaurant. We just need each other.
It was the night after an orgasm and after a meal of carbs so Lion was more interested in snoozing than sex. I don’t mind. I’m not upset when he snoozes. I’m not upset when he doesn’t want sex. We can snuggle when he wakes up, and sex is still just for him. As long as I get to hold his hand and fondle my weenie and balls, I’m a happy person.
I know that’s not very exciting reading, but it’s true. We’ve been together for a long time and I guess we’re at a point where some married couples don’t care about touching each other or even being together. Not Lion and me. As long as we have each other, that’s all that matters.
