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In: Female led relationship with discipline, Femdom, Lion's Journal, Sex

I spent Easter Sunday at a grilling and smoking class. I signed up for it last fall while still working. As Mrs. Lion wrote, I wasn’t enthusiastic about attending. I’m not feeling all that great being out of work. But since it was paid for, and at worst I would end up with a lot of tasty food, I went. It was a good decision. The instructor was excellent and the school well equipped. I came home with some useful knowledge I can apply to add some more flavor to our diets. Mrs. Lion spent the day working around the house. We do share chores. While we may have a wife-led-marriage, we still share the load. In the best sense of the word we are a partnership. It’s just that she’s the senior partner with the final say.

Saturday night I was truly surprised when Mrs. Lion unlocked my cage and began playing with me. That activity ended with a full orgasm by mouth. I loved it! The night before, our regular tease night, I had received an accidental ruined orgasm. I know Mrs. Lion was worried I wouldn’t enjoy an orgasm the very next night. I have to admit that when she started to tease me, I wasn’t very aroused. However, that quickly changed and I had a wonderful time.

It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that our take on enforced chastity and wife led marriage is very much our own. I suspect that most of the people who actually practice these things have also individualized them in many ways. The biggest problem is that the people with the least experience tend to do the most writing in blogs and on forums. We, for example, are not in a position to talk authoritatively about wife led marriage. We’ve been doing that less than a month. Of course, we have shared what we learn as we learn it.

I’m particularly bothered by the amazing amount of fantasy masked as fact on various blogs. Fantasy is so much more appealing than fact. I’m getting better at sorting things out. One blog that I have delisted, wrote several posts about hiring a personal trainer for her husband. This trainer, surprise surprise, also spanked him. Really? In fact, one of the typical ways fantasies unmask themselves is when they discuss outsiders magically participating in their activities. I’m not saying it never happens, but not nearly as often as the Web might lead you to believe.

There’s nothing wrong with fantasies. I enjoy them sometimes. But when the people presenting the fantasies pretend they are fact, people new to our kinks get very wrong ideas. Women, in particular, whose partners have discussed enforced chastity or wife led marriage with them are particularly vulnerable to these fictions. There have been times when Mrs. Lion said she felt she wasn’t doing a good job because she didn’t perform the actions a blog said that she should. Of course, the blog was written by a lonely guy who likes to masturbate to hot chastity stories, even his own.

Even here at The Journal, occasionally some poor soul will write a long comment that is his story. It always starts with his wife or girlfriend surprising him with a chastity device and then goes on to talk about what she does to him and makes him do. Why in the world would anyone want to send that to us? If I publish it, does he get status and credibility? It seems pathetic to me. It reminds me of the guys who used to attend TES (BDSM organization in NY) meetings. They came week after week and asked any new female if she would be their mistress. Now, that is a sterling pick-up line if I ever heard one. Sheesh.

I didn’t mean to rant. I just want to help provide a safe, authentic place for people who want to try or who are living with enforced chastity and FLR. I’m thinking about things I can do to expand this beyond our blog. Any ideas?

By:
In: Female led relationship with discipline, Lion's Journal

Mrs. Lion and I have been working to integrate FLR* into our lives. In a lot of ways it doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Mrs. Lion does not like to take charge. I, on the other hand, have been a manager and leader my entire life. It would appear that the last thing I would want would be enforced chastity or FLR. But here I am locked in a chastity device for more than a year and starting a FLR including domestic discipline. To someone who knows us well, this would seem absurd. Mrs. Lion can’t understand why I want any of this. But I do.

It’s true I have enjoyed BDSM play sessions where I bottom and get spanked. But I have never shown any sign of wanting to surrender control of my sexuality or my life. Yes, I have had a long flirtation with enforced chastity, but never wore a device for more than a couple of days. I’ve never asked anyone to have authority over me. It’s way easier to understand why I want enforced chastity: it’s sexy and kinky and ends up with me having teasing and sex. The surrender comes with nice rewards. But what’s with FLR? There are no orgasms involved. I give up real control and allow my lioness to rule the den, and for that matter, me.

OK, you might say that I do get spanked and I always loved spankings. My first disciplinary spanking made it clear that there is absolutely nothing sexy or fun about domestic discipline. If you want to know why, take a look at our page on that subject. I may have had some idea that disciplinary spanking would feed my kink. It absolutely doesn’t. It’s pure pain. I don’t like pain that much. I think that Mrs. Lion figured that once I got a taste of FLR and domestic discipline, I would want to stop. She had the same thought about enforced chastity. We’re going strong over a year now and neither of us wants to quit.

Of course, we are past the point where I can back out of enforced chastity. It’s true we agreed that we would review our commitment to it next March, but at this point we both agreed it’s too late for me to back out. FLR has no escape clause. I was very sure when we started that in this case I would want to back out when I felt too controlled. You could see this behavior after Mrs. Lion proposed giving me housework chore lists. When I read her post about it, I pitched a mini-fit. She ended up feeling terrible that she proposed such a thing.

After reflection, I realized that her plan made perfect sense in the context of FLR. Of course she could make me to-do lists. She could punish me for not completing chores or doing them improperly. I didn’t realize how fragile her authority is right now. She is at least as uncertain about her role as I am about mine. My gut reaction was to pull back and say, “No Way!” If her self confidence were better, she would have said, “Too bad. That’s how it’s going to be from now on.” But she didn’t. She just felt bad that she made me unhappy.

My reaction to something I don’t like is to push back. Mrs. Lion’s is to withdraw. I screwed up. After all, this was my idea. I know how easy it is for Mrs. Lion to feel bad. Now I feel horrible. I hurt her for doing something I asked her to do. I was thoughtless and inconsiderate. I’m just no damn good at accepting. If it isn’t my idea, I don’t want to do it. This clearly has to change. It’s really unfair of me to expect Mrs. Lion to make the changes and grow an instant thick skin. I have to take responsibility for my reactions. Yes, I quickly backed down, but not before hurting my sweet lioness. On Thursday night I expect I will get a particularly long and painful spanking for this transgression. I deserve it.

I am committed to doing the best job I can. I can’t promise that I will never react negatively to new control. I do acknowledge that I have absolutely no right to react that way. The only acceptable answer for me is, “Yes Ma’am.” That’s going to take a lot of whacks on my  butt to make it happen consistently.

Mrs. Lion and I have some immediate changes to make. They are essentially identical. We both have to become more consistently aware of our places. I have to remember that she is in charge and I have no right to object to any decision she makes. She has to remember that she is the boss and that any negative response from me should earn me swift retribution. Yes, she can ask for my input. I can even ask if I can give my opinion. But in every sense, she makes the choices for me and doesn’t need my input to require anything from me.

If you remove the submissive and fantasy trappings of FLR, it all comes down to my complete surrender. I have to realize that I totally depend on Mrs. Lion to be fair. I have no vote. I know that, but I am very sure it hasn’t really sunk in very deep. Her firm response to my forgetting my place is what I need to learn to be her properly submissive lion. One thing I know for sure. No matter how hard it is and how much it hurts, I will keep trying. We will only stop if Mrs. Lion decides it won’t work for us.

* FLR — Female Led Relationship also known as Wife Led Marriage.

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In: Female led relationship with discipline, Mrs Lion Comments, Punishment

I started out this morning thinking that in order to make things go more smoothly, I just need to get out of my own way. I spend too much time worrying that I’m not doing things right. From time to time I think I should just adopt a baseball pitcher’s mentality. Don’t think, just throw. Put the ball where the catcher wants it. Sure you need to worry about that guy on first, but the primary obligation is to get that pitch into that exact spot. Can the batter hit it? Maybe. But you can’t think about that.

What does that have to do with anything? Well, I make a rule. Lion balks at it. I feel bad so I back off. Lion decides maybe it is a good rule. I reinstate it. I should just eliminate the intermediate steps and continue on. So what if Lion balks at it? He doesn’t have to like it. Maybe it is a bad rule. If so, that will become evident shortly. I should not allow Lion to make me feel bad. Unfortunately I’m not wired that way. The best I can do is try not to let him make me feel bad and if he does then I need to let him know, in the form of a punishment, that it’s not okay.

The problem, of course, is that being in charge is not natural for me. I do it for Lion. While he doesn’t spend every waking hour thinking about sex, chastity, or domestic discipline, he certainly spends more time than I do. I spend a minimal amount of time trying to figure out what I need to do to keep him happy and then it fades into the background again. Even when we snuggle I know his mind goes right to sex and chastity. Last night he immediately reminded me it’s been nine days since his last orgasm. Okay. I was thinking how nice it was to be close. It wasn’t a play night so I wasn’t really thinking about an orgasm at all.

Lion says I’m getting good at punishing him. His buns are still sore the day after a punishment. That’s just the administration of the punishment. I can hit hard. I could always hit hard. I can probably hit him harder than he ever wants to be hit. I was just afraid to do it. The difficult part is keeping track of things and wanting to add things to the list. Even when he annoys me I still don’t think about punishing him for it. It isn’t second nature. I’m not sure it ever will be. But I’m not giving up yet.

By:
In: Female led relationship with discipline, Mrs Lion Comments, Punishment

In my post yesterday I didn’t mean to suggest Lion is incompetent. Of course he can find things to occupy his time. I was reacting to his post that said there was only so much old TV a person can watch. At one point, I was unemployed for close to two years and I know how boring it can get. I was looking for work and trying to figure out how to go back to school, and then eventually in school so I wasn’t exactly sitting around, but there was still a lot of down time. What I was trying to say is that I can assign him tasks that can be part of the female led relationship he wants. I just need to be careful I am not putting too much on his plate.

I know how it feels to be out of work. Imagine someone saying, “Since you’re home all day and not doing anything, could you at least clean up around here?” That is not exactly showing support. “Gee, thanks! I didn’t think I could feel any worse. Here I was thinking that I’ll never, ever find a job because who would want me. But I can certainly dust the bookshelves.” Nope. That wasn’t the intent of giving him chores.

He wants me to take charge. He wants rules. He wants me to tell him what to do. In a ham-handed way I was trying to do that. It wasn’t to belittle him. It wasn’t to make him feel worse for being out of work. If anything, it was to take his mind off of it. Here’s a rule. Feel my power. I’m not so good at it yet. There always seems to be an element to things that I don’t understand even if I think I’ve looked at it from all angles. It will take time.

On the plus side, I’m getting better at punishment swats. Lion’s buns were very red last night. I guess I do need to restrain him. Up to now I’ve been thinking that he likes to be restrained and this is supposed to be punishment. He shouldn’t enjoy any part of it. But if I’m hitting him harder, I need to stop him from moving. At least now when I spank him, I can get past the point that I would normally stop because he complains.

And I think I’m getting better at talking to him while I tease him. It still seems to me like bad porn, but I’m trying. That’s all I can do. Put one foot in front of the other, sometimes baby steps, and maybe someday I’ll get it. In the meantime I hope Lion is having some fun.