Domestic discipline (Page 14)

A longstanding debate between some guys who identify as being in domestic discipline relationships and me has been the apparent lack of seriousness in how Mrs. Lion and I do it. Dan asks:

” I guess my question is, do either of you *really* like/want/need discipline, or is discipline just a justification you seem to want to use for more spanking?”

That’s a fair question. The structured way that we approach domestic discipline certainly has the flavor of a BDSM game. Our search for more concrete rules to enforce enhances that impression. After all, we do play spanking games sometimes. Is this just another one?

My sexual interest in spanking led me to read the old Disciplinary Wives Club website. The stories were very hot. From my vantage point, the site was at least fifty percent sexual content and fifty percent information about domestic discipline. I was attracted to both aspects. Mrs. Lion had been spanking me (BDSM) since shortly after we met. It didn’t shock her when I proposed that she punish me for breaking rules. I didn’t suggest that she set easy-to-break rules as a way of training us.

The original idea was that she would punish me when I upset her. I hated it when she ignored me after I had interrupted her a few times. I had to extract why she was upset. I knew that her past marriage forced her to hide any bad feelings she had. My thinking was that she could learn to express those feelings when they occurred by spanking me. In my mind, it was a two-birds-with-one-stone concept. I had no idea that I was opening Pandora’s Box.

Unlike some couples, we didn’t have serious behavioral issues to correct. I don’t drink, smoke, or gamble. I can be forgetful and act like a know-it-all. Mrs. Lion likes me to handle the finances and make many of the routine decisions. I thought we had a safe environment for her to express displeasure. When I proposed a disciplinary relationship, she agreed but was doubtful about her role changing.

She decided to make “rules” that I would almost certainly break. She said that it would teach us both. I agreed. In the beginning, her spankings were pretty anemic. They were less intense than what we did when we played. I figured it was because the offenses were fairly trivial. When we talked about it, Mrs. Lion said that she didn’t feel good about hurting me. She didn’t like spanking me for a reason.

We talked and wrote about this. I wanted her to like the idea of punishing me, just like the DWC wives liked beating their husbands. She made it clear that she would never like it. We discussed our very different views about the purpose of disciplinary spanking. I insisted that if I got any pleasure from one, the value would be lost. Mrs. Lion was steadfast in her wish not to hurt me.

Eventually, we settled on her doing a series of spanking “experiments.” These were sessions where she would use various paddles, intensities, and techniques. She learned to deliver spankings that hurt like hell and made me sore for days. This didn’t thrill her, but she did it because she knew it was what I wanted.

After that, my punishment spankings were very painful. I got no sexual pleasure from them. She refined her technique and settled on making a punishment ten minutes long for the first offense. Any additional offense added another five minutes to my spanking. I hated those punishments.

I was left with two concrete rules. Both were for me to do things that Mrs. Lion considered important: closing the shower door and setting up the coffee maker the day before. I learned to be very careful to do both. On very rare occasions, I would be punished for interrupting. Mrs. Lion and I wrote about this as well as having numerous discussions. She was still having a lot of trouble punishing me for things that annoyed her.

That brings us to the present. Mrs. Lion gives me butt-bruising spankings without remorse. She is one-hundred percent consistent about enforcing my chore-based rules. She still has trouble punishing me for things that annoy her. I get somewhat frequent “Just Because” spankings. These serve the purpose of reminding us both that we are in a disciplinary relationship.

Domestic discipline isn’t natural to us. Mrs. Lion doesn’t think of spanking me when I annoy her, at least not most of the time. We agree that my behavior needs improvement in my communication style with her. She still isn’t certain about punishing me for these subjective offenses. She agrees that spanking teaches me to correct my behavior.

Does this mean we don’t meet Dan’s standard for a true domestic discipline marriage? It might in his mind. After all, there is no objective standard for any of this stuff. It’s true that Mrs. Lion isn’t a “natural” spanker. She was never spanked as a child. She never spanked anyone before meeting me. Unlike Dan’s wife, she had to learn to spank me when I did something wrong.

Mrs. Lion is learning. She’s comfortable with giving me painful spankings. She enjoys catching me breaking minor rules. She still isn’t comfortable with punishing me for the more serious, subjective offenses. That’s where we stand. We believe that we are in a disciplinary marriage. We are making progress. I can’t know what happens in Dan’s house. I only know how it feels to be in my marriage. I am grateful to Mrs. Lion for making such major changes for me. I don’t care what label anyone wants to put on what we do. It works for us, whatever it is.

Last week’s “adventure” made it very clear to both of us that I’m not immortal. Bummer. It scared the crap out of both of us. I still have an MRI and a visit to a neurologist next week. I guess that’s the frosting on this shit cake. Meanwhile, I’m back to where I was before. I have sensation in my left hand, and I can type without problems.

I suppose that also means I am due for a spanking. According to the handy spanking counter, I haven’t been spanked in over three weeks. The counter is in the right column of the blog. I’m writing this on Thursday (Punishment Day). I wouldn’t be surprised if I have to ride the spanking bench for a five-minute maintenance spanking tonight. I hope I do. It feels like we’ve waited too long. No one’s fault; just past due.

After a rather heated discussion with Dan on The Disciplinary Couples Club blog, I’ve been thinking about the way we practice domestic discipline. I initiated it because I realized that spanking is important to me, and I liked the idea of empowering Mrs. Lion. She didn’t feel the need for the ability to punish me. I am, after all, the lion in our pride. I knew I needed to give her a much more equal footing. I also knew that she could help me improve as a husband.

carelessness is my greatest sin

It’s true that I don’t drink or go out with the boys. I can be careless and thoughtless. Mrs. Lion wasn’t motivated to cure any serious behavioral issues. She worked hard to find specific offenses that she could punish. She settled on thoughtless things I’ve done. At this point in time, there are just two: remembering to set up the coffee pot for the next morning, and closing the shower door when I’m done with my shower. Neither rise to the level of a fight-provoking problem, but they do create issues for Mrs. Lion. If I don’t set up the coffee pot, she has to struggle with it in the morning when she is tired and bleary. If I leave the shower door open, the dog will go in and track mud around the bathroom and bedroom.

She’s gotten very good at catching me when I forget. I get a ten-minute spanking for my carelessness. As a result, I very rarely forget. Ten minutes with a hardwood paddle is a very good reminder. Domestic discipline is successful in making me change. The problem for both of us is that when I learn, the reason to punish me disappears. That should be good news, but it isn’t entirely positive.

Mrs. Lion likes the game of catching me breaking rules. She doesn’t enjoy spanking me, but she doesn’t mind beating me when needed. It’s part of the game for her. That doesn’t mean domestic discipline is a sexual game we play. It isn’t. The rules are rigidly enforced, and my spankings are very painful. Game or no game, Mrs. Lion spanks me so that it will hurt for days after she’s done. This is very much in keeping with the Disciplinary Wives Club’s approach to punishment. Delivering a spanking is an activity for a disciplinary wife. She isn’t expected to be enraged. It isn’t supposed to be any more than another household activity. Wives are encouraged to develop the necessary skill to deliver a long, painful message to their husbands. It isn’t sex play. It’s a necessary part of their roles. That’s how Mrs. Lion approaches it. She isn’t particularly interested in my opinion, other than she wants it to hurt a lot.

From my perspective, DD represents boundaries for my behavior. Sure, they are limited to a few things, but once in place, I am punished for any misstep. We’ve learned that we both need me to have opportunities to slip up. It isn’t because Mrs. Lion likes to beat me. It’s because she needs to stay alert and aware of my behavior. She’s a hunter and needs practice pouncing. She loses her edge and stops paying close attention if she can’t catch me once in a while.

My need to be spanked is easily met by maintenance spankings. We call them “Just Because” spankings. The idea is that I probably did something to piss off Mrs. Lion that she decided to overlook. The “Just Because” spanking is a chance to remind both of us of those issues. These periodic spankings work for me. Unfortunately, they don’t work for her. She doesn’t have to hunt for infractions. She likes the hunt, not the punishment.

For a long time, Mrs. Lion has said that she will work out some new, easy-to-break rules for me. That will give her more opportunities to catch me. This may sound weird. After all, the punishment I get is real and very painful. Domestic discipline is a serious practice. We both agree that it is. We also know that DD needs maintenance. In our situation, at least, Mrs. Lion needs to be able to catch me. The more alert she is to my behavior, the more likely she will catch and punish those subtle, serious offenses that she tends to overlook.

I do things that genuinely hurt her. She hates being interrupted. She feels bad when I act like I know more than her. Yet, she is very unlikely to pounce and punish me when I do those things. It’s very good for us both when she does. If she gets back into practice, the chances increase that she will pounce when I annoy her. That will make a positive difference in our relationship.

I think that domestic discipline is a skill that needs continuing attention to work. It’s way too easy to fall back to our traditional roles. When we do, feelings get stuffed and fester. When we are actively practicing DD, feelings are expressed and punished. I think that Mrs. Lion needs a lot more pouncing practice.