Last week’s “adventure” made it very clear to both of us that I’m not immortal. Bummer. It scared the crap out of both of us. I still have an MRI and a visit to a neurologist next week. I guess that’s the frosting on this shit cake. Meanwhile, I’m back to where I was before. I have sensation in my left hand, and I can type without problems.
I suppose that also means I am due for a spanking. According to the handy spanking counter, I haven’t been spanked in over three weeks. The counter is in the right column of the blog. I’m writing this on Thursday (Punishment Day). I wouldn’t be surprised if I have to ride the spanking bench for a five-minute maintenance spanking tonight. I hope I do. It feels like we’ve waited too long. No one’s fault; just past due.
After a rather heated discussion with Dan on The Disciplinary Couples Club blog, I’ve been thinking about the way we practice domestic discipline. I initiated it because I realized that spanking is important to me, and I liked the idea of empowering Mrs. Lion. She didn’t feel the need for the ability to punish me. I am, after all, the lion in our pride. I knew I needed to give her a much more equal footing. I also knew that she could help me improve as a husband.
carelessness is my greatest sin
It’s true that I don’t drink or go out with the boys. I can be careless and thoughtless. Mrs. Lion wasn’t motivated to cure any serious behavioral issues. She worked hard to find specific offenses that she could punish. She settled on thoughtless things I’ve done. At this point in time, there are just two: remembering to set up the coffee pot for the next morning, and closing the shower door when I’m done with my shower. Neither rise to the level of a fight-provoking problem, but they do create issues for Mrs. Lion. If I don’t set up the coffee pot, she has to struggle with it in the morning when she is tired and bleary. If I leave the shower door open, the dog will go in and track mud around the bathroom and bedroom.
She’s gotten very good at catching me when I forget. I get a ten-minute spanking for my carelessness. As a result, I very rarely forget. Ten minutes with a hardwood paddle is a very good reminder. Domestic discipline is successful in making me change. The problem for both of us is that when I learn, the reason to punish me disappears. That should be good news, but it isn’t entirely positive.
Mrs. Lion likes the game of catching me breaking rules. She doesn’t enjoy spanking me, but she doesn’t mind beating me when needed. It’s part of the game for her. That doesn’t mean domestic discipline is a sexual game we play. It isn’t. The rules are rigidly enforced, and my spankings are very painful. Game or no game, Mrs. Lion spanks me so that it will hurt for days after she’s done. This is very much in keeping with the Disciplinary Wives Club’s approach to punishment. Delivering a spanking is an activity for a disciplinary wife. She isn’t expected to be enraged. It isn’t supposed to be any more than another household activity. Wives are encouraged to develop the necessary skill to deliver a long, painful message to their husbands. It isn’t sex play. It’s a necessary part of their roles. That’s how Mrs. Lion approaches it. She isn’t particularly interested in my opinion, other than she wants it to hurt a lot.
From my perspective, DD represents boundaries for my behavior. Sure, they are limited to a few things, but once in place, I am punished for any misstep. We’ve learned that we both need me to have opportunities to slip up. It isn’t because Mrs. Lion likes to beat me. It’s because she needs to stay alert and aware of my behavior. She’s a hunter and needs practice pouncing. She loses her edge and stops paying close attention if she can’t catch me once in a while.
My need to be spanked is easily met by maintenance spankings. We call them “Just Because” spankings. The idea is that I probably did something to piss off Mrs. Lion that she decided to overlook. The “Just Because” spanking is a chance to remind both of us of those issues. These periodic spankings work for me. Unfortunately, they don’t work for her. She doesn’t have to hunt for infractions. She likes the hunt, not the punishment.
For a long time, Mrs. Lion has said that she will work out some new, easy-to-break rules for me. That will give her more opportunities to catch me. This may sound weird. After all, the punishment I get is real and very painful. Domestic discipline is a serious practice. We both agree that it is. We also know that DD needs maintenance. In our situation, at least, Mrs. Lion needs to be able to catch me. The more alert she is to my behavior, the more likely she will catch and punish those subtle, serious offenses that she tends to overlook.
I do things that genuinely hurt her. She hates being interrupted. She feels bad when I act like I know more than her. Yet, she is very unlikely to pounce and punish me when I do those things. It’s very good for us both when she does. If she gets back into practice, the chances increase that she will pounce when I annoy her. That will make a positive difference in our relationship.
I think that domestic discipline is a skill that needs continuing attention to work. It’s way too easy to fall back to our traditional roles. When we do, feelings get stuffed and fester. When we are actively practicing DD, feelings are expressed and punished. I think that Mrs. Lion needs a lot more pouncing practice.
I tell my wife she needs more frequent practice whipping my ass with a belt when she complains that the back swing ends up hitting her hand with the belt.
Maybe she should try a paddle.
Based on the totality of the post, I guess my question is, do either of you *really* like/want/need discipline, or is discipline just a justification you seem to want to use for more spanking? If so, why not just cut to the chase and ask for more spanking? I ask because the post leaves me very unclear on your motivation and also makes me wonder how clear you are.
You begin by saying: “I initiated it because I realized that spanking is important to me, and I liked the idea of empowering Mrs. Lion. She didn’t feel the need for the ability to punish me. I am, after all, the lion in our pride.” There seems to be some conflicting sentiments in here. I get wanting to empower a wife. That was a goal when I initiated our DD relationship, but the potential difference is my wife and I *both* felt there was a power differential that was a real problem. The goal was to equalize and balance things, empowering her and disempowering me. In your case, however, it doesn’t sound like Mrs. Lion cares much, if at all, about being empowered, and both of you see you as the “the lion in our pride.” So, is she really being “empowered” or is she just accommodating your desire to be spanked more?
You also said, “For a long time, Mrs. Lion has said that she will work out some new, easy-to-break rules for me. That will give her more opportunities to catch me.” Again, it doesn’t really seem like any genuinely “bad” behavior–behavior that she thinks needs correction or that you think needs correcting because it’s having some detrimental impact on one or both of you–is going on here or that either one of you has identified any behavior that needs to change because it’s a problem. Quite the opposite. The stated goal is to make up rules that are easy to break, so the result is more spankings.
I do think in DD relationships you often see a “raising of the bar” in which one behavior is addressed and somewhat corrected, then the wife moves onto something else. But, the “something else” is still something that one or both of them see as a problem. Your approach seems to be more of the classic “solution in search of a problem.”
I’m totally fine with people using spanking to meet an erotic need. What I don’t quite understand is the dressing it up with the trappings of discipline. Or, rather, I get creating BDSM scenes around the idea of being “punished” or “discipline” but why not just admit that’s what is going on? Also, you’ve said before in comments on my blog that you’re not sure whether your wife actually gets anything out of DD, so exactly is it “empowering” her to try to get her to engage more in something she doesn’t get anything out of?
I make no secret that DD serves two purposes for us. The erotic spanking aspect was a big motivator in the beginning. I agree that we could just do scenes to handle that. Mrs. Lion would be happy to accommodate. My main purpose is much more serious.I do things that truly upset/hurt her. A big one is interrupting. We both agree that is a serious issue. The problem is that over more than a decade, she never could call me on it. As a result, after I upset her a number of times (in a month or more), she would become passive-aggressive and would refuse to tell me what was wrong. I tried to let her know that she could tell me if I upset her, but she didn’t seem able.
That’s when I proposed DD. She didn’t think that she could punish me for anything. That wasn’t surprising. I suggested that if she could spank me when I upset/interrupted her, it might clear the slate. She was doubtful but agreed. She proposed the simple easy-to-break rules as a way to develop the habit of punishing me. The rules were/are simple, but do represent things that she doesn’t like. To some extent, this has worked. I learned to avoid breaking all of them. She came up with a couple of new ones. In the meantime she has punished me for interrupting her a few times.
What may seem more like BDSM to you is what we agreed would help her feel free to let me know when I upset her. Given her past, this is a very difficult process for her. She agrees that the rules I have represent behaviors she wants to be corrected. She also agrees that spanking me is an effective teaching tool. The difficult part of getting her to punish me for upsetting her is still mostly aspirational.
Over the time we have been practicing DD, she found that she “likes” catching me breaking one of my rules: i.e.: forgetting a chore. She doesn’t like spanking me, but she doesn’t mind either. If she wants to think of the process as a sort of game, I’m fine with that. My goal has always been to give her the ability to equalize the power balance. We may not approach it the same way that you do, but it is truly DD nonetheless.