By:
In: Mrs Lion Comments

Lion has set forth a challenge for me. He is correct when he says rewards are more difficult than punishment. My ex used to say no one remembers what you do right; they only remember what you d0 wrong. Think about it. How many times does your boss say you’ve done something wrong? How many times does he/she say you did something good? My boss is constantly saying my coworker and I talk too much. Does she realize we’re still working while we talk? Does she realize a lot of that talking is to ourselves? (There’s a study out there that suggest people who talk to themselves are very intelligent. Of course, there are probably many other studies that suggest we’re very strange. Why can’t both be true?) Does she ever tell us we’re doing a great job? Much more rarely than criticizing us.

So I’ve been trying to keep an eye out for good things Lion does. For example, he made breakfast this morning without being asked. He also emptied the dishwasher. Did I thank him for either thing? Nope. I actually meant to for the dishwasher and then promptly forgot. No time like the present. Thank you, my pet. You’re a good boy for making breakfast and emptying the dishwasher. I have also been rubbing his sexy buns more often. I don’t know if that counts as a reward or not, but it does acknowledge that his buns are naked and incredibly touchable. It’s very rewarding for me to have his tush on my hands. I hope it is for him too.

In my defense, I did try to reward Lion with coupons a while back. Unfortunately he didn’t like the rewards. He said the ones for a bonus/free orgasm whenever he wanted it seemed like he’d be in charge. There were other rewards but he’s squirreled the coupons away somewhere and I don’t remember what they’re for. It was my last great attempt at rewards.

Another thing that I find very rewarding is something we do every day. In the first email of every work day, we both write “I love you more than anything!” or some variation of that sentiment. It’s our way of telling each other that we’re happy to be together. More accurately, we’re grateful to be together. What better reward is there than to have someone tell you he doesn’t know what he did before you came along and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you?

By:
In: Female led relationship with discipline, Lion's Journal

So much of what’s written about FLR and domestic discipline is about punishment. I’m guilty of focusing on this. The fact is that FLR is much more than that. It’s about a power exchange; the female member of the relationship taking control of her man. It’s also about leading the relationship as a whole; making decisions about what direction the family will take.

The problem with discussing corrective activities, including punishment, is that these are responses to misbehavior. We don’t discuss how to manage positive reinforcement. The reason we tend to overlook this is that the idea of rewards just isn’t very sexually exciting to people who think of control in terms of forcible imposition of one will over another. That’s fine for BDSM scenes, but is far from a useful template for a three-dimensional relationship.

There’s more to it than that. I think Mrs. Lion has a much harder time rewarding me than punishing me. I’m not sure she even realizes it. It’s easy to rationalize spanking and other punishments as fulfilling my request. Mrs. Lion thinks that way. But when she tells me that I am a good boy, I think she feels uncomfortable.

The reason for this is subtle. Rewarding me for good behavior implies that she is in a superior position and is thinking of me almost as a child. You reward an equal with, “Thank you.”, not “Good Boy.” Bigger rewards are even more difficult to provide. Taking me to a restaurant for a lunch or dinner I really want clearly states that I can’t go there on my own. It may seem humiliating to assume that authority. Ordering dinner for me is a similarly difficult action.

I think that positive reinforcement as well as day-to-day control are the most difficult challenges for Mrs. Lion. It isn’t that she has to micromanage me. That is tedious but easily rationalized as a BDSM scene. It’s owning the power that is most difficult. Rewarding me for being good has profound implications. Administering punishment is much easier.

To a large extent, our FLR is based on my fantasies of rules and punishments. I never had a reward scenario fantasy. Maybe it’s because that would be too real. When Mrs. Lion tells me I am good, there is always a flash of discomfort. Generally, she will also ask me if I noticed she did it. I imagine she would have a much harder time offering me a cookie for doing something she liked than spanking me for breaking a rule. Could it be that rewarding good behavior is a more profound expression of power than a spanking for doing something wrong?

We’ve focused on Mrs. Lion observing my lapses and punishing them. Yes, that’s a very important change for her. We may be missing an important point. Perhaps we also need to focus on recognizing and rewarding obedience and good behavior. Perhaps the true power exchange is hiding behind offering me a cookie for being a good boy.

By:
In: Mrs Lion Comments

Perhaps I was a bit too melodramatic yesterday. In my sleepy haze, I implied I was bored with teasing Lion. That’s not true. The past week has been tedious at work. Things that would not necessarily annoy me have sent me into a frenzy. There must be something in the water because others are doing it too. Could it just be the end of the year and the pressure to close out with all of our goals reached? Probably. The bottom line is that I’m not bored with teasing Lion. And I am certainly not bored with Lion.

Lion worked from home yesterday. His cold is still hanging on and if he can work from home, why shouldn’t he avoid the drive into work? I would if I could. I figured since he was home, it made sense for him to make dinner. I asked him what he wanted for dinner, suggested two choices of leftovers and stated that I did not feel like going out. That last part is new. Ordinarily I make up my mind I don’t want to go out and then Lion will suggest his favorite restaurant and I’ll feel bad because I don’t want to deprive him of his favorite restaurant and we’ll go out. Last night was the first time I let my feelings be known ahead of time. It was a long, exasperating week and I was just not up for the drive (or ride) to a restaurant. I wanted to be home, snuggled in bed and snoozing.

There was no surprise when Lion said, “Your wish is law, We eat at home.” Well, I didn’t expect those words. I just figured he’d either pick one of the leftovers or suggest something else. He chose one of the leftovers and I asked him to make rice to go with it. He said “yes ma’am” and I managed a “thank you my pet.” The night before I’d asked him to do something and I only said thank you. He wondered if he’d pissed me off because I hadn’t told him he was a good boy. He hadn’t. I just struggle with good boy and my pet. It sounds artificial. Sort of like calling a grown man a boyfriend. Ma’am even sounds weird to me. My immediate reaction is to call him sir, but I know that’s not what he wants.

Anyway, when I got home, Lion was snoozing. He had fallen asleep around the time I asked him to make rice. He struggled to wake up and said he was sorry. He’d make the rice then. That made no sense. I was already up. I made the rice. Now, the question is, should he be punished for not making the rice? I suppose in a rabid FLR I should have told him how disappointed I was that he fell asleep when he had a job to do. But it’s just rice. It’s not like he left a baby alone in a bathtub. It’s really no big deal. I made the rice. So what?

I know. I know. I took a giant step forward by demanding we stay home for dinner and then I dropped the ball completely by not being upset that he didn’t make the rice. Sorry. I have to take my baby steps in taking power. And I don’t see a loss of power with the whole rice non-fiasco. Shit happens. Move on. He’s been sick. He was tired. He fell asleep. I made the rice. Done.

[Lion — I’m glad Mrs. Lion didn’t get upset about the rice. I had no idea I would fall asleep. I was surprised when she got home and I woke up.]

By:
In: Lion's Journal

Every so often, I sit down and let my mind wander. Yesterday, I came up with a few observations:

  • The chastity device is more comfortable for me when my balls are pulled in tight. When things are all warm and comfy down there, my scrotum relaxes and the skin is soft and loose. At those times I can be pinched when some of that skin gets between the base ring and the inside of my thigh. Then, if I am sitting, a small movement gives me a little pinch. Tight balls stay out of the way.
  • Jerking off is far more than release in Mrs. Lion’s eyes. When we started enforced chastity, the topic of masturbation came up in the obvious context that I couldn’t do it any more. Of course not! I was, and remain, locked in a chastity device. Over time, as we discussed enforced chastity more, I learned that Mrs. Lion never knew I jerked off. Moreover, she thinks of me masturbating as a betrayal of sorts. She said that jerking off is having sex with someone else. Me. I admit that I never thought of it that way. The last time I jerked off was just after beginning enforced chastity. Mrs. Lion wanted to watch me do it. Since then, I’m not even allowed to make myself hard when I am out of the cage. No more masturbation for me. Ever.
  • The most puzzling thing about domestic discipline for me is that I hate being spanked but feel comfortable and at peace after being punished. To my surprise, this feeling gets stronger as the severity of the punishment increases. I can’t figure it out. The punishment isn’t taking guilt away; at least I don’t think so. Perhaps corporeal punishment is a subconscious message that tells me I am loved. I was never punished as a child, so it doesn’t come from there. But something deep inside me is at peace after punishment.
  • I’m surprised at my reactions to Mrs. Lion when she is in 2.0 or FLR wife mode. I imagine that the stronger her direct control of me, the sorrier I will be that I agreed to surrender power. I truly like having my own way. In practice, the opposite is true. I love obeying her. Of course, occasions when she tells me to do things are few and far between. Perhaps when I am under stricter control, I might get a rebellious feeling or two. I doubt it.
  • I love it when she tells me (or you) that I belong to her.  A “good boy” with a little pat on my ass or a rub to my balls, makes me want to wag my tail. I love it. Begging is a turn-on too.
  • Consistent anal play combines dread and anticipation in a remarkable way.
  • I hate having my balls swatted. When Mrs. Lion does it, I just grit my teeth and wait for her to finish.
  • I wonder if people think it’s weird that I don’t have any pubic or butt hair. I had a prostate exam recently. My doctor didn’t even raise an eyebrow. Before we moved to the West and I had a frenum piercing, my doctor asked me if I liked the piercing. He was genuinely interested in my recommendation.

I surprise myself when I react to something differently than I imagined. I still find it strange that I like the way I feel after a punishment. I must be a big cub.