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In: Edging, Mrs Lion Comments, Ruined orgasm

Lion visited me at work today. He had an appointment with one of our doctors. Even though we spend a lot of time together, it was really nice to see him. Somehow the context made it special. I don’t quite know how to explain it. It was different from seeing him at home or even on our trips. A bright spot in my day. I know we often sound gushy and diabetic coma-inducing, but he really is my favorite person in the world.

We were talking last night about his assumption that I’ve given him so many orgasms lately because I’m afraid he won’t be horny again. It’s true that I’ve been striking while the Lion is horny, but the real reason for so many orgasms is that I figure since things are not going so well on the job front, he deserves some part of his life to go well. Why not give him orgasms? He agrees with that plan wholeheartedly. He even encourages it. I’m more than happy to oblige. Last night, however, was not one of those times.

Initially I was going to edge him and lock him away. I’d left him wild an extra day to remind me that I needed to do some manscaping. Boy, was he furry! I did the front half last night. Tonight I will finish. Unfortunately, when I edged him, I went a little bit too far and gave him a ruined orgasm. I need more practice. If I had realized it at the time I might have continued on to a full orgasm, but I thought I had stopped in time. Nope. I don’t like to do that. I don’t see a reason for ruined orgasms. The only thing they seem to be good for is frustrating Lion and not even in a good way. They don’t seem to reduce or increase his horniness level. He just gets the physical frustration of being so close and almost going over and then not.

My goal now is to edge him. No ruined orgasms. No full orgasms. Just edging. For how long? I don’t know. I don’t remember when his next scheduled orgasm is. I’ll play it by ear. But I do know I have to get back in practice for edging. I still won’t pressure Lion into being horny. If he is, he is. If he’s not, we can wait for another day. We’re in a marathon, not a sprint.

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In: Advice for a new keyholder, Femdom, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity, Punishment

In my experience, one of the most challenging aspects of being a top is feeling successful. As the bottom/caged male, I get immediate feedback from Mrs. Lion if I am not doing the right thing. A paddle is firmly applied to my bottom if I don’t please. But how does Mrs. Lion know she is doing a good job? Currently, she measures her success based on my reactions to her dominance. I have to admit that when I was a top I did the same thing. But what reactions should she be using for measuring her success? That’s the real challenge.

Consensual power exchange puts setting limits in the hands of the bottom. The top can negotiate, but ultimately has to respect the limits set by the bottom. To fail to do so would make it non-consensual. That takes care the “must not do’s”. How about quality control on the other stuff? In enforced chastity the keyholder has her caged male’s fantasies for starters. A sensible keyholder knows she shouldn’t use the fantasies as a literal blueprint for his chastity. There are quite a few pages and posts here with ideas on how to get started and continue running the chastity experience.

Mrs. Lion has frequently written (for example, here is yesterday’s post) that she judges her domination by my feedback. However, even when I give her positive feedback, she still says that she isn’t meeting my expectations. Usually she compares her performance with fantasies I write here or even with posts I write that talk about keyholder techniques. There’s a fundamental problem with using my feedback as her quality control: I am controlling things by virtue of my reactions.

It’s true that Mrs. Lion is a pleaser. She loves to make people happy. As her lion, she works very hard thinking of me. A good example came up last weekend. One of the reasons she suggested (note suggested, not decided) we go where we went was that it was 60 miles from a place she really wanted to go. But when we got there, she didn’t even suggest driving those 60 miles. Instead, almost by accident, when I noted we had driven halfway there looking at other things, she said, “Well, if you want to go we can.”

I’m not saying that she has to change her metaphorical stripes (everyone knows lionesses don’t have stripes) and become a decisive and demanding keyholder. But it seems to me that I end up running the show. The same is true with enforced chastity. She judges herself by how much she pleases me. I think this desire can get in the way of  her following her own instincts. What’s a lioness to do? She wants to make me happy and when she does I wonder why she is judging herself based on my reactions.

I could stop giving her feedback. But I think that’s not fair at all. She deserves to know how what she does affects me. But what should she do with that information? Recently, I’ve had a problem staying interested in sex. This is due to the situational stress of being out of work and money. It’s understandable. It’s also no secret that I hate being that way. Last week she got my motor running and apparently decided that it isn’t worth the risk to keep me waiting more than a few days lest my libido disappear again. I am delighted that she didn’t ask for my feedback about this strategy, though she regularly asks me if I want to come. If I do, more often than not, she obliges. I’m not complaining. Oh no, I’m not complaining at all.

One of the toughest lessons a top or keyholder has to learn is to trust her instincts and decisions. There comes a point when caged male feedback shouldn’t be very important. Information is generally useful, but after 18 months of being caged, I expect that Mrs. Lion knows me well enough to manage my chastity without my help. By nature, I like to be in control. So, being my keyholder is more challenging than it might be with another male. I respond to the firm application of a paddle. Maybe I need more of that to remind me when my input isn’t welcome. Of course that is completely up to Mrs. Lion. That’s the point of all this, isn’t it?

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In: Mrs Lion Comments

Reading Lion’s posts about his fantasies makes me feel like the most boring person. The only fantasy I’ve ever had was being part of a three-way with two guys. I know that may be racy for most people, but those people never ran in Lion’s circle. I’ve seen some of his friends. Let me just say, my mother would be mortified that I was in the same room as them. She doesn’t have a very open mind at all. My sister was afraid to tell her my niece was living with her boyfriend. The horror! I do have a vivid imagination, it’s just never gone in that direction.

So how did a country bumpkin like me wind up with a big city guy like Lion? We met online. And then a few days later we met in person. For sex. Yup. Right of the bat. I had decided I wanted some excitement. Little did I know how much excitement I would find. I had no idea the kinkiness running through his veins. It’s not that I had never heard of bondage, etc. I just never wanted to try it. And here was this guy who wanted it done to him. I’d like to think I’m positive if he had suggested tying me up I would have run for the door. But I was looking for excitement after all. I don’t know what I would have done. To this day I wonder if I can really be effective if I don’t understand the other side of the coin. However, I have no inclination to be tied up so I’m not sure if being tied up would really give me any insight anyway.

Lion insists I’m doing a wonderful job being his key holder. I just try to make him happy. I know I disappoint him from time to time. There’s no way I can do it 100% of the time. It’s just not feasible. But I do try. And I hope I succeed more often than not. I’m not trying to compete with his fantasies. I’m trying to make them come true as best as I can.

By:
In: Femdom, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity, Sex

There’s no doubt about it, sex is a highly loaded topic. It has gigantic political and social loading. Kinks like enforced chastity push a lot of buttons. In my opinion, enforced chastity is not about sex at all. It’s about power. Now if you think that sex is politically and socially loaded, consider power. In the 70’s the mantra was sexual equality. Go back to the 50’s and it was “father knows best.” Socially acceptable power exchange is variable depending on where you are and who you talk with. Even in the heyday of women’s lib, the idea of female domination would raise eyebrows and incur political wrath.

Political correctness supplies a lot of fuel to sexual fantasy. In a world where men are expected to head the household, rich fantasies of male submission abound. Don’t believe that? Google “male submission”, “male slave”, and similar terms. There are endless fantasies guys have written. Chastity fantasies form a classic male fantasy genre. The Internet has made it very easy to read and write sexual fantasies. All this juicy reading got me thinking about enforced chastity. It simmered in my subconscious for fifteen years. During those years I reviewed chastity devices online. It was fun but too uncomfortable for me.

I was a hotbed of contradictions. I was a lifestyle dominant — I “owned” a BDSM slave for a decade. At the same time I imagined surrendering power to a strong woman who spanked me, tied me up,  and kept me in enforced chastity. I came to think of this contrast as my personal Yin and Yang. The longer I lived in the lion-as-dominant world, the stronger the submissive fantasies became. I had an advantage over most guys: I was actually living with a power exchange where I was dominant. That reality kept my fantasies from getting too extreme to ever work in real life. My fantasies were possible. I knew what could and couldn’t work. That was a big advantage.

About ten years ago my master/slave relationship ended. I met Mrs. Lion and we fell in love. She was as vanilla as they come. She never considered any of the stuff that I had been living for decades. Very fortunately, she is extremely intelligent and open minded. Within a few months of meeting, we were experimenting with spanking and other BDSM activities. Over time these activities tapered off. The reasons are buried in this blog if you are interested in digging them out. But the outcome was that we had a nearly sexless marriage. Fortunately, we are best friends and love each other more than anything, so sexual issues didn’t drive us apart. During those years, fantasy and masturbation were my sexual mainstays.

Over those years, my fantasies were very well developed so when I asked Mrs. Lion to take charge, I had a vivid movie playing in my head. Of course, the reality was nothing like my fantasies. For one thing, in my fantasy I earned my orgasms by giving Mrs. Lion many before being entitled to one. It turned out that Mrs. Lion doesn’t want orgasms right now and the she had little interest in my fantasy exchange. Most enforced chastity fantasies are filled with rules and rituals. Most keyholders are uninterested in reading the fantasy script. They want to manage things their way.

And herein lies the key to all this: A power exchange is surrender of power to someone else. Offering to surrender and then presenting the top with a list of exactly how things should work isn’t a power exchange at all. The “submissive” is in charge and expects his keyholder to follow his carefully crafted script. This doesn’t mean that keyholders don’t want suggestions. Most women take on the role to make their partners happy. They are interested in what their expectations might be. In the beginning they may even follow the script. But sooner or later they will either quit because acting out someone else’s fantasy 24/7 is just too much, or they will truly take charge and then things will happen their way. In the beginning, Mrs. Lion followed my suggestions. It didn’t take long for her to decide that she would be calling the shots. She still likes me to make suggestions, but I don’t expect them to be followed. That’s what power exchange is all about.