Just Say No
Mrs. Lion has done a wonderful job stepping up her game when it comes to teasing. Monday, she wrote a post about my “endless” requests for more; more bondage, more rules, etc. In some respects she’s right, I have asked her to push harder and do more of the things we used to do. Our teasing had dwindled to unlocking me and then right to edging. As she pointed out, even a lion needs some foreplay. So, Monday night she got out our spreader bar and attached my hands to the cuffs on the headboard and my feet to the spreader bar. This was the first time the bar was ever used on me. I made it years ago to use on some of the bottoms who I topped. There I was open and restrained and starting to get hard just from the excitement of the bondage.
She used her Velcro band on my semi-hard penis. That hurts like crazy when she makes me hard and hurts even more as the blood rushes in when she removes it. She asked me which was worse: the Velcro or Icy Hot on my balls. It was no contest. Icy Hot or Ben Gay massaged into my balls is excruciating. Mrs. Lion managed to find a liquid product that burns even more than the other two products. Fortunately, last night she choose the Velcro. Restraining me does increase her options for either front or back play. I suppose the more intense pain is my quid pro quo for the extra effort she puts in. I’m not complaining.
Monday, Steeled Snake wrote a very interesting post about how strongly conditioned he has become. He said that over their long weekend trip to Vegas, he discovered that Charmer, his wife, could stop him from coming just by saying no without reducing the stimulation he was getting. This level of conditioning is quite rare in my experience. He has learned to completely suppress orgasm and ejaculation. What surprised him (and me) is that he doesn’t consciously control this suppression. He has been trained to ejaculate only when told he can. Apparently he no longer has a choice. All control has gone to his wife and keyholder.
That is a very impressive example of behavioral conditioning. It takes a lot of time and effort to train a male that effectively. As he explained it, his wife used a combination of reward (praise for being a good boy and waiting) and punishment (ruined orgasms which he hates) to achieve this. His post describes the first example of this level of conditioning that I have seen. Congratulations to both of you!
In my view, one of the coolest things about enforced chastity and FLM is that while started by the male, quickly moves way past his fantasies and expectations. It’s a hot fantasy to imagine the level of orgasm control that Charmer has over Snake, but it is somewhat frightening to discover another person has complete control over one of his most basic instincts. I wonder what that feels like; the building of an incipient orgasm that suddenly disappears when the word, “No” is spoken. For me it would be the strongest evidence of sexual surrender.
One of the things I have written about more than once is my belief that “no” is a critical ingredient in dominance. Learning to accept flat “no’s” feels to me like a simple but crucial key to training. It would seem very easy for a keyholder to refuse things for training purposes, but it isn’t. In the first place, Mrs. Lion, for example, got into all this stuff because she wants to make me happy. She said, “yes.” It isn’t a terrible stretch for her to learn that providing pain and making me get sexually frustrated is something I want. So, when she punishes me or makes me frantic for an orgasm that isn’t coming, she is doing what she knows I want. If she pushes the things I want past the point where I think it is fun, then she is starting to demonstrate her control.
Refusing to let me come when she has been edging me over and over can count as a “no”,but only if she gets me to ask and beg. When I do, a simple “no” without explanation reinforces her role. Even in a sexual context it isn’t easy to find opportunities for a “no”. Certainly, when orgasm is imminent a gentle “no” and stopping stimulation is a very good start.
Outside of orgasm control, finding opportunities to exercise that “no” is much more difficult. One possibility is during play. For example, if I am restrained and Mrs. Lion uses that horrid Icy Hot stuff on my balls, it won’t be long before I beg, then fume to get her to release me so I can wash it off and stop the burning. A perfect place for a “no” that will really hurt.
Even if she thinks of me as a child, her inclination is always to go to “yes”. That’s her nature. She’s not going to change that. I’m glad because I love her kindness. So, authority-building refusals will probably have to be manufactured in the context of sexual and BDSM play. There’s nothing wrong with that.
To me, at least, what is most effective is consistency. If something goes up my ass, it has to stay there until Mrs. Lion wants it out, not when I am starting to get uncomfortable. If she sets out to do something, I hope she will see it through. I know she doesn’t want to train me to only come when I get permission. We’ve discussed that. I’m more than fine with her brand of teasing. She has plenty of other opportunities to display control. As time has passed, she uses more and more of them. She is the grand master of driving me sexually insane to come and then stopping. Maybe she can ask me if I want to come, and then say, “no”.
Spoiled Lion?
Yesterday I arrived home to pretty flowers and a mushy card from Lion. I posted a picture to Facebook with the caption: Pretty flowers and a mushy card just because. (Just because he knows how lucky he is). Someone commented that he is very lucky because I do a lot for him. I spoil him. I wonder if that’s true. I mean, I wonder if that’s the perception. I don’t think I spoil him. Maybe by “normal” male chastity standards, he’s spoiled. He usually doesn’t wait very long for an orgasm. He gets attention almost every night. We do most things he suggests. Does that make him spoiled? Let’s look at these things one at a time.
He usually doesn’t wait very long for an orgasm. True. His average wait is probably eight to ten days. Sometimes a little longer. Usually a little shorter. Is there anything wrong with that? It depends. If you are in a relationship in which the idea is to push for longer and longer waits, then there’s something wrong with an eight to ten day average wait. We don’t care about the long waits. We go for variety. After tonight’s orgasm, I think Lion has a sixteen day wait. Maybe eighteen. He’s just had three four-day waits. He only gets two orgasms in November. He gets at least four in December. Variety.
He gets attention almost every night. Well, yeah. Sometimes I think this is excessive, but I’m not trapped in a metal cage. I’m also not a horny person. If I wanted attention every night, I’d feel bad if I didn’t get it. There are some nights that Lion thinks he’s being ignored even when he gets attention. The prime example is if I’m on my iPad before we play. Because I am not giving him my full attention the whole night, he sometimes feels neglected.
We do most things he suggests. Yes, we do. At least we try them. I don’t always follow through with them. There are some things we try and don’t like. I hesitate to say we stop because I don’t like it. If we only did what I like we may never do anything. It’s the whole “did you have fun?” question he asks every so often. I like making him happy. I like when he has fun. Is it fun for me to do that specific thing? No. Is it fun for me to make him happy by doing that specific thing? Yes. And, by the way, we don’t always do what he suggests and we certainly don’t always do it the way he had intended. I like to put my own twist on things to keep him on his toes. (Speaking of toes, I think there may be a return of the nail polish in Lion’s future.)
So is Lion a spoiled boy? By some standards, perhaps. I just like keeping him happy.
I’m A Toddler
Mrs. Lion often says I’m a toddler. In fact, at her work one day the women were talking about their families and Mrs. Lion said she had a toddler at home. Her coworkers were surprised. They said that they didn’t know she had any young children. She said she was married to her toddler. I guess there are times I can be a big cub. I should be happy she can see my failings with some humor. I admit that the idea does rankle a bit. On the other hand, her description may be far more accurate than even she imagined.
One of the big issues with lifestyle power exchange is developing an acceptable way to think about the roles. There is no real context for a grown man, me, surrendering control to my wife. How is that surrender expressed, how does she wield her power? Some of that is explicitly described in our agreements. When I ask her about her role, she normally says, “I’m doing what you want.”
Well, yes she is. I can’t deny that. Even so, the role she plays has apparently evolved in her mind. Referring to me as a toddler implies that she, in her role as my authority figure, has to correct her naughty cub. This doesn’t mean we are playing some sort of baby/mommy game. We aren’t. But her level of control does resemble a maternal role. I suspect that some women when they realize that this is the model most enforced chastity and domestic discipline seems to follow, find themselves disturbed by the idea that they are married to their child. Of course this isn’t true, but it can feel that way. It’s very easy for the male to slip into a childlike role. This, of course, reinforces the mommy/child model. Some women may find this role very familiar. When I showed Mrs. Lion this post, she made this comment:
“I think a lot of women see their spouses as toddlers even if they aren’t in FLM. At least that’s been my experience over the years. Guys are a lot of work and sometimes it’s just easier to think of them as one of the kids.”
My relationship with Mrs. Lion has a strong relationship to one of a parent with a child. I must ask permission to do many things; not too many at the moment, but that will probably increase (I hope). She is teaching me good manners like not eating before her. And, when I get grumbly, I get spanked. Now, she half-jokingly refers to me as her toddler.
That sounds like a maternal relationship. I see it as a very good model for the sort of authority I have asked her to take. There is no adult model either of us has experienced that would include the level of control I want and the physical punishment I earn. If you take the mother/toddler relationship as a model, then after appropriately scaling up expectations and the level of pain inflicted, you come very close to the kind of FLM with domestic discipline we are developing.
Mrs. Lion works hard to become the strict, maternal figure that seems to fit what we have decided to do. Other models like the BDSM mistress make no sense in the context of our lives. In that model, I would be objectified, trusted with nothing and would essentially be my mistress’ play toy. In our relationship, I am expected to be responsible, perform my duties as a husband, and in general, act as an adult who pulls his share of the management of the marriage. That would never fit the mistress model. But oddly, it fits the maternal model with no problem.
In the maternal model, I get responsibilities as I can handle them. How I perform is judged by Mrs. Lion and I can be corrected in the usual way. I can be spanked or otherwise punished if I don’t manage the bills properly, remember the shopping, or fail to do something I should. So far, punishment has been restricted to the more trivial behavioral rules, but it is absolutely no stretch to apply it to anything else I do that she sees as a failed expectation. If I act like a toddler, then I will be treated as one. Right, Mrs. Lion? Corrections are administered strictly but with love. Rewards are given for good behavior or working extra hard.
As Mrs. Lion has said, she wants to be stricter and swiftly correct me as necessary. She has also said that she wants to be more observant and provide more rewards as well as punishments. She wants me to improve and most of all be happy. What role do you know that fits all that? I can only think of one. And, yes, it’s all because I asked her to be this way. No, I don’t plan to call her mommy.
Quid Pro Quo
Yesterday I sat down and scheduled Lion’s orgasms through the end of June. He was pleased to hear his orgasms will not end on January 1. Don’t tell him there is a wait of 21 days in there somewhere. Unless I take pity on him and adjust the schedule. Not that I don’t think he can wait that long. But why should he? My intent is to keep him off balance, not to make him suffer too long. I have other ways to make him suffer.
This morning the Lion who has everything made a request for more. He wants me to do more anal stuff and use the Velcro cuffs on the bed to restrain him more often. We have talked about this. I always say I’ll try and I always fail to do it. My first thought was, “Why can’t he ever be happy with what he has?” My second thought was, “Work sucks and I’ve been achy all over for weeks, why can’t he be happy with what he has?” And my third thought was, “It’s not his problem that work sucks and I’ve been achy for weeks. We’ve discussed it and I’ve dropped the ball again and again. Try harder.” So I resolve to try harder – again.
In the back of my mind, however, I’m wondering if there shouldn’t be a quid pro quo attached to his request. Not exactly a punishment, but if he wants more he should have to pay for it. I know I’ve promised in the past and why wouldn’t there be some sort of retribution on my part for not following through (because I’m the one in charge, that’s why), but it seems there should be a trade off for extras. You know, you want the value meal but maybe you want onion rings instead of french fries so they tack on another $1. Or you want to super size it. Besides, he’s pointing out a failure of mine. I don’t want to be reminded I’m not perfect. In medieval times, if you pointed out an error by those in power, you might lose your head. I’m not suggesting anything so drastic. Maybe just a few good swats to remind him that it isn’t nice to point out my flaws. I’m the one who points out flaws. Just a thought.
And I was thinking last night that perhaps things had gotten a little too routine. Between trying to get him interested and trying to keep my leg from being in pain, I was wondering what to do. Unfortunately, trying to not be in pain invades all my thoughts so I couldn’t come up with anything at that point. I guess restraining him would have gotten him interested more quickly. It’s just not something I think of. I think if he’s interested it should be apparent almost immediately. I guess it’s ironic since many women take forever to get in the mood and women complain men aren’t willing to do any foreplay because they just want to get to the main event. I know I take a while to get warmed up but my pilot light has been off for a while so I just figured that was the problem.
Anyway, it’s ridiculous of me to think Lion should always be ready to go. Besides, he loves all the foreplay. He likes, and sometimes needs, his play time. Sometimes I think he likes the spanking or being tied up more than he likes the teasing and edging. Maybe not more. It may depend on the night.
So what’s the takeaway here? I’ll try to do more anal stuff and restrain him more. Will there be price for his asking for things (aka pointing out my flaws)? That’s to be determined. Will I change things up so they don’t feel so routine? Definitely. I can’t have my Lion (or me) lapsing into a coma during play.
