As we discussed in Your Man Wants Domestic Discipline, like enforced chastity, domestic discipline in real life isn’t at all like the fantasies. Most fantasies are about spankings and other punishments designed to train the male to be more obedient. They almost always skip the important steps that make it work in real life. Once you both decide that you are ready to embark on this, you may wonder just how to begin.
I thought about this for a long time. Over the years, we had made several, unsuccessful attempts to add domestic discipline to our relationship. We started with the best intentions. Mrs. Lion agreed to make and enforce rules. I agreed to follow them and accept punishment when I failed. The rules were trivial, like punishing me if I allow the ice dispenser on the refrigerator to shoot cubes onto the floor. This happens often. If it happened, Mrs. Lion would spank me. It didn’t take long for us to stop. Mrs. Lion didn’t want to spank me each time I did that. I forgot that it happened. And, it wasn’t all that important to either of us. Clearly, this sort of approach didn’t work for us. Every few months we would try again and it would peter out. What were we doing wrong? The answer is obvious once you think about domestic discipline a bit differently.
First off, neither of us considered the simple fact that we had no experience in an authoritarian relationship. Like most couples, if I did something that Mrs. Lion didn’t like, she didn’t express her displeasure. Often, she would just bury the feelings and get quiet. But I never knew what happened unless I nagged her until she told me. These weren’t major issues, but they obviously upset her. Theoretically, domestic discipline would cure that. No way!
Why not? Simply by telling Mrs. Lion that she now had control of non-sexual parts of our lives didn’t magically flip a switch that turned her into a disciplinarian. In fact, she has no mental circuit that relieves disappointment or anger by punishing me. The entire concept of punishing her mate never crossed her mind. Yes, she could relate intellectually to play punishment for trivial offenses, and would spank me for them when she thought about it. But there was no connection between this play and real life. That’s why in our enforced chastity, she never seriously considered extending my wait because I displeased her. Enforced chastity, and now domestic discipline were things I wanted that she does to please me. She has no investment in either beyond making me happy.
Certainly, doing these things to satisfy my needs is wonderful. I’m very grateful for that. It would be unreasonable to assume that she will do either chastity or discipline for her own pleasure. She is going to treat domestic discipline the same way she does my enforced chastity. It would be arrogant of me to try to change that. My point is that if your partner agrees to incorporate domestic discipline in your relationship, accept it at face value. Don’t try to convert them to be true believers.
Given that none of us have any working experience with domestic discipline, Mrs. Lion and I will have to make changes if we are going to take this out of the playroom and into our lives. This presents some challenges. Let’s take a look at them:
- Mrs. Lion doesn’t look at my behavior in terms of whether it is good or bad. Unless I do something to hurt her feelings, she doesn’t make conscious note of the little failures I have. For domestic discipline to work, she need to develop a conscious awareness of my behavioral faults. That’s not all. I have to develop the same awareness and inform Mrs. Lion when I slip. We share the responsibility of monitoring my behavior. Now that wasn’t in my fantasy!
- We both have to learn that slips on my part will always have consequences. I can’t just “forget” something. If I do forget, I will be painfully reminded not to do it again. This reminder has to be something I truly don’t like. For example, I like spanking, but hate it when Mrs. Lion just wales away with no warmup. Guess what sort of spanking I should get for punishment? Domestic discipline is not BDSM. It is a serious form of training.
- Domestic Discipline is not just Mrs. Lion’s job. One of the biggest problems with our earlier tries was that it was up to her to notice, record, and then punish offenses. My desire for domestic discipline ended up as homework for her. That won’t work over time. I have to take the responsibility to record offenses and present the list upon request
- The biggest challenge is consistency. Once begun, we have to be absolutely consistent. We both have a lifetime of conditioning that will try to get us to forget what we are doing. Until we build new habits, we have to consciously pursue domestic discipline relentlessly.
- We can’t quit. I am very sure that the better Mrs. Lion gets at this, the more I will regret asking for it. Similarly, learning to be a disciplinarian will be a painful experience for Mrs. Lion as well. She doesn’t want to hurt me. She does it because she knows that deep down I need it, but on a day-to-day basis, it is uncomfortable. Our solution is to agree that we will actively pursue domestic discipline until a certain date. We agree on that date and even if we both hate it, we do it until then. At that time we can review our decision and end it if we agree.
Domestic discipline takes a lot of learning for both of us. At times we will each hate it. It’s a scary change. Let’s assume that you have gotten this far and want to go on. Here are some suggestions on how to proceed:
- Become a behavior spotter. Both of us have to force ourselves to focus on my behavior. We agreed that trivial ideas like dropping ice won’t work; but, forgetting to do something will. Did I fail to properly execute something Mrs. Lion asked me to do? Did I fail to get naked the instant I entered the house (we have a naked lion rule in our house)? Normally, neither of us would mention that, but now it is something we have to notice. Is the bed messy? Did I say I would change the sheets and not do it? Almost everything we find will be trivial at first. The point here isn’t to train me to robotically execute commands. It is to train both of us to have conscious awareness of things I could improve. We’ll start with the small, obvious things, but over time a pattern will emerge that we will follow.
- Forget nothing. Each time there is a behavioral miss, no matter how trivial, it should be recorded. Because Mrs. Lion doesn’t like noting things, I am charged with keeping an up-to-date list of offenses. Mrs. Lion just has to tell me what to note and I do. This exercise serves consistency and helps build a domestic discipline habit for both of us. Note that this isn’t just up to Mrs. Lion.
- Punishment must be real. In the beginning, particularly with small offenses, it is easy to treat punishment as play. After all, how much pain should I feel because I stayed dressed an extra five minutes? It hurt no one. Normally, this would be true. But we are in training for the domestic discipline lifestyle. I have earned a painful reminder not to do that again. Get the idea?
- Make time to punish. One of the problems we had in our earlier attempts was that Mrs. Lion was to punish as soon as I committed an offense. She didn’t like stopping what she was doing and spanking me. It put a burden on her to remember to enforce the “rules”. This time it is different. I record the offenses and she schedules a time for punishment. We need to agree on a specific day/time to do this. Of course she can add sessions or postpone them, but they have to happen.
- Reward too. Going above and beyond should earn a reward. It can be a candy bar, extra orgasm, play session, whatever will show that she appreciates what I have done. Domestic discipline isn’t all about pain. It’s about making me a better lion. The ability to reward is as powerful as the ability to punish. Both send a very clear message about her authority.
- No exceptions! I know I mentioned this earlier, but it is a the most critical part of the process. We are building habits and mental patterns. Exceptions cause confusion and uncertainty. There are times when you really want to make/get an exception. Guess what? You can’t. Mrs. Lion can tell me that I don’t have to follow a rule for a while. She has that right. But if I miss and she didn’t tell me I could, there is no excuse that will allow me to avoid retribution.
Is this looking like less fun than you thought? It isn’t fun. It’s a life change. I have wanted this for some time. Even writing these words makes me realize that it won’t be easy for me. I will want to quit at some point. Mrs. Lion will want to let me. But we can’t. Enforced Chastity has made a large, positive difference in our lives. We didn’t see it at first, but over the months we learned that it works for us and brings us closer. Will domestic discipline do the same? There is no way to tell. In fact, we won’t be able to assess its impact on our lives until many months from now. I’m sure that will be true of you too.