One area I am definitely qualified to discuss is spanking. During a boring hour, I searched Google for “best spanking paddle.” Aside from the usual commercial twaddle advertising paddles best left to newlyweds acting out “50 Shades of Grey,” there was nothing even close to a reasonable discussion of what actually works.
Let’s start with terminology. The word “best” refers to the most effective spanking implements. My research is based on both giving and receiving spankings with a large number of paddles. I learned the most from being on the receiving end. Unsurprisingly, the most bang comes from heavier devices with longer handles.
it all comes down to physics
I’m sure you know Einstein’s most famous formula: e=mC2. It is derived from a much more useful formula: force=mass * velocity squared. When it comes to spanking, a heavier paddle (mass) moving faster will hurt more. A longer handle will increase the speed (velocity) of the business end of the paddle. Another interesting bit of science is about the application of all that force. The smaller the striking face, the more force per square inch will be applied. That’s why a cane is so vicious. The long, flexible cane attains a lot of velocity. The striking surface is just the small diameter of the cane.
So much for the science. Let’s look at what I consider the best choices. I am not including devices, like kitchen equipment. These are paddles designed explicitly for spanking.
1 The meanest paddle in Mrs. Lion’s arsenal is the Sporkwood spanking spoon made of Chechen wood. This paddle is available in a wide variety of woods. Chechen is the densest hardwood available for this product. It has a long handle and a small, spoon-shaped striking face. It produces bruises that I feel for several days. It’s easy to control. This is not a paddle for light, stingy spankings. Applied with vigor, it hurts a lot. This is the main paddle used to punish me. (Sporkwood paddles $39.99)
2 Plenty of sting comes from this gem. It is the ferule paddle. Master paddle-maker John Hanson originally made it. I knew him, and he made mine. He retired. Leatherwerks bought his business and continues to make the same fine paddles. Ours is bloodwood. It’s a beautiful, dense wood. This paddle has a flat, round hitting surface about three inches in diameter. Like the spanking spoon, it has a long handle. It isn’t as heavy as the spanking spoon. It’s a close second in terms of the damage it can do. (Leatherwerks, prices, and available wood/thicknesses vary. We suggest 1/2-inch thick)
3The Spencer paddle. A popular spanking myth centers on a contract for mutual spanking. The idea is that couples resolve issues by spanking one another. A lot of spanking porn has been written about this. Some paddle makers name a broad-faced, drilled paddle after this concept. Sporkwood follows this tradition with their Spencer paddle. It’s made of Chechen and packs a solid wallop. It has holes drilled in it. Some believe that the holes stop air from cushioning the blow. They don’t. But they do make nasty little marks sometimes. This is the sort of paddle that people imagine when they think of a trip to the woodshed. If you are spanked with this paddle, you will remember it with fear. (Sporkwood, $39.99 in Chechen. Also available in other kinds of wood)
4 While wood is the traditional material for spanking paddles, inventive paddle makers have explored other, more modern materials for bottom blistering. One of the most unique is conveyor belt material. This industrial product is used to build conveyors that carry everything from refrigerators to rocks. It’s made from laminated layers of tough rubber and coarse fabric. It’s very dense and heavy. It also flexes so that the paddles made from it have a nasty sting. This particular model is not particularly beautiful. It’s a bargain and arrives with a very strong rubber smell. We left it on our porch for about a week to allow the smell to dissipate. Smell or no smell. this is a unique and very mean addition to a spanking arsenal. (cane-iac, $26.99).
5 Another inexpensive spanker comes from a company that specializes in fraternity and sorority supplies. It’s a mean little sucker made from oak that’s small enough to fit in a purse and mean enough to make me yelp every time it’s used on my tender hindquarters. If you are a do-it-yourselfer, you can sand the rather sharp edges and finish it with epoxy or urethane. You can add a personal touch like we did (see post). This no-frills bottom burner is a perfect starter paddle for the novice spanker. It’s easy to control and takes very little effort to make your point. (Paddle Tramps, $7.95 in oak)
summing it up
There is an amazing variety of spanking implements available. These five barely scratch the surface. These five represent the most effective paddles Mrs. Lion uses on me. All are well made and will last for a lifetime. We have no business connection with any of these craftsmen. Have safe fun!
Thanks–this was extremely helpful. I’ve found your product reviews to be exhaustively researched and well reasoned. Could you review some other spanking implements as well?
Thank you! I will review some more later in the year.
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