Male Chastity Journal

(Sunday, September 21, 2014) As you may have read, last night I “cashed in” my orgasm coupon. As Mrs. Lion wrote in her post,

…he caved in after less than twenty-four hours. Lion always says he doesn’t have an addictive personality. He may not be addicted to sex, but he has less willpower than he thinks.

No, not really. Yes I wanted very much to come. That coupon, so to speak, was eating a hole in my pocket. It bothered me, as Mrs. Lion noted, because it transferred control to me. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that the coupon meant that she wanted me to have that orgasm.  It was the eleventh day since my last chance, so I wanted very much to come. The coupon itself raised my horniness level. I was uncomfortable holding on to it, more uncomfortable thinking about using it. I didn’t want to “look a gift horse in the mouth.” And, yes,  I wanted to come.

That coupon brought up some deeper issues. Am I interested in seeing how long I can wait? Can I make 21 days without turning into a basket case? Is it worse immediately after an orgasm then after 11 days? The answer to the first question is no, I am not interested in seeing how long I can wait. The second question, how will I handle a more extensive wait, is more interesting. As many guys have written, the suffering does go down after about ten days. Since I haven’t had too much experience waiting much longer than that, I don’t know. But I can honestly say that I could have made the full 21 days.

So why did I cash in the coupon? I’ve been thinking about that since I told Mrs. Lion I wanted to use it. Since Mrs. Lion didn’t appear very interested in letting me trade it in for less days on my wait, I figured I might as well use it. I know, she said that she hadn’t had time to consider it. I figured that it was not a big decision and that if she wanted to make the trade, she would have let me know immediately that it was a possibility. She said she would consider it. I didn’t read her response correctly.  I also really wanted to come. Does that make me an addict? Nope, just a male.

I actually felt fine about the 21 days on one level. I really did. Honest! But I did give in. Just a day or so before, Mrs. Lion’s wonderful hands reminded me just how good sex feels. The clothespins on my balls were exciting, but she knows just where to rub to drive me crazy, and she did. From the time she gave me the coupon, I couldn’t stop thinking about how her hand felt on my penis, how badly I wanted to go over the edge and disappear into that orgasm.

So, yesterday I ran through every rationalization in the book: It’s been a long time. I need this. Wow, did her hands feel great. Why not? She wants me to have it., etc. I gave in.

Now, the morning after, I wonder if I did the right thing. Mrs. Lion’s post has a disappointed tone. She seems to have wanted me to just put that coupon away with the others I got on my anniversary. At least, she said, she expected me to hold on to it for a while. She should have told me. I feel guilty that I used it. It feels like I broke our trust. It feels less like a gift than a trap that I fell right into.

I’ve learned from this. I won’t do it again. If Mrs. Lion wants me to have an orgasm, she can take it or schedule it. I won’t initiate, even with a coupon she has given me.

We also discussed wait times. I told her that 10 days seems to maximize my need to get release. She apparently took that to mean that I only wanted her to schedule 10 or 11 days of waiting. I didn’t mean that at all. For one thing, I don’t want her to schedule based on what I want. I know she is doing it for me, but that doesn’t mean I get to make that decision. I don’t even want her to consider it a suggestion. I was only letting her know how it felt to me, not as guidance for the future.

Her new rule uses extra time (two days) if I break it. That is something I had hoped she would do. It’s a punishment that feels like one to me. Two days may not be enough to make a strong impression, but it is a step in the right direction; and, of course, it is totally up to her.

I want to clarify what I meant in our discussion about wait times. Based on how I feel when I wait, things get really serious for me at about 10 days. The first two or three days after an orgasm are the most frustrating, but I feel a deep need growing that seems to peak at 10 days. I’m not sure what happens after that, but I guess I will find out. I also mentioned that if we use adding and subtracting time for punishments and rewards, they are most effective after the tenth day. Adding a week to a ten day wait is serious to me. Even adding two or three days will make an impression, though I think the point at which I am most influenced is a week. More will be meaningless and less, feels easy to handle. That’s subject to review after I actually have to endure it. On the other hand, reducing wait time by two or three days will make an impression on me if I have been waiting at least a week.

In my mind, adding time is a way stronger punishment, than subtracting time is a reward. However, I may be totally wrong. I will have to wait until I have some experience to comment.

Since I’ve been locked up, the decision about whether or not I can have an orgasm has been taken out of my hands, pun intended.  Friday night Mrs. Lion gave me a “Good Lion” coupon (see photo, right). This coupon is very special. It gives me the ability to get the orgasm of my choice at any time between now and the end of the year. Best of all, unlike my anniversary love coupons, it doesn’t restart the clock on my wait. For example, I am eleven days into a twenty-one day wait. If I used an anniversary coupon tonight, my twenty-one days would start all over again tomorrow. Last Night’s Good Lion coupon would allow me to come and not change the scheduled orgasm date.

I have been very horny. Eleven days is a long time to me. Friday night, besides the coupon, Mrs. Lion put nasty, plastic clothespins on my balls while she played with me. The mix of pain and pleasure was amazing. According to the LionTracker, she used six plastic clothespins on my balls and edged me three times. I really wanted to come! I still do.

I mentioned that to Mrs. Lion and grumbled a bit. She laughed. She said,

You want to know why I’m laughing?

Yes!

Because you have a coupon and can come if you want. So your grumbling is just silly.

It wasn’t what I had expected her to say. I expected, “Because you still have ten days to go!” Actually, that is what I would have rather heard. Some perverse part of me likes it when she is assertive and reminds me of my plight. I did like that she laughed.

But what about that coupon? It’s a sort of “get out of jail free” card for me. Something about using it feels wrong.  Is that silly? I have no problem with the coupons that restart my time. That feels right in a power exchange. I have been given a couple of opportunities to come if I really want to, but at a price. I only have two, so I can’t always reset when I get tired of waiting. If I were my keyholder, I would have made the price higher. I would have allowed the orgasm and restarted the wait time plus one week. But that’s just me. I haven’t used either of those coupons.

I mentioned to Mrs. Lion that I would have preferred her taking some time off my wait rather than let me have a free orgasm. That puzzled her. Why would that reward be different? I wasn’t sure at the time, but after thinking about it, I realize that by reducing my wait, she still controls when I get release. The coupon lets me control it. I don’t want sexual control. I feel better about “buying” an unscheduled orgasm (by restarting the clock) than I do about just taking one.  Yes, I know she gave me the coupon, so she is still controlling things. It’s irrational, but it’s how I feel.

We also had a brief Punishment discussion. We have both learned there are things I love to hate and things I just hate. Punishment spankings are very unpleasant  and I hate then when I get them; something I love to hate. While I haven’t experienced it yet, extending my wait time or leaving me in my cage without play are things I really don’t want. So far, I haven’t had to experience those things. In fact, I have no idea what I would have to do to earn either.

It’s all two sides of the same coin. On the reward side, I really want that bonus orgasm. I’m extremely horny. But it feels wrong to me to redeem the coupon. I wish I could trade it for a day or two less wait. That’s a reward that feels better to me. On the other side of the coin, I like that Mrs. Lion punishes me sometimes. She isn’t very consistent yet, but she is well on her way. I don’t want to earn extra days, but I do want to feel what it is like to get a punishment I absolutely hate. And, of course, I don’t want to spend days locked in my cage with no attention. Poor Mrs. Lion. She has to figure me out and I can’t even do that!

Later
I started this post early Saturday (9/20) morning. It’s close to noon now. After she woke up, I talked about this with Mrs. Lion. She read this post. She said she doesn’t understand at all. I asked if she would consider trading the orgasm for days off my wait. She didn’t answer. Meanwhile, that coupon was burning a hole in my pocket — well not my pocket, I have to be naked at home. It was on the dresser. I could hear it calling to me. I was feeling those familiar twitches between my legs. I gave in!

I got up, grabbed the coupon and handed it to Mrs. Lion.

Now?, she asked.

No, anytime today you want.

That’s it. I caved. I updated my daily status to “9” — I may explode if I don’t get to come today! — and will deal with my conscience once I get release. Theoretically, I can select how I get to come. I can’t decide. Maybe I will leave it up to Mrs. Lion to decide. I’m sure she will tell you what happened in her post tomorrow.

For weeks I haven’t really been feeling well. Nothing specific. Just lack of sleep and achiness. Normal for me, but after a while it wears me down to the point that any activity is a chore. This week, without knowing how I was feeling and without being asked, Lion has taken care of dinner most nights. He’s an excellent cook, but I know he doesn’t like making dinner every night anymore than I do. So, to let him know his thoughtfulness was not unnoticed, I decided to reward him.

What do you give a Lion who has everything? A Good Lion coupon good for one bonus orgasm, of course. Well I could have given him a day or two off his “sentence”. Or I could have let him be wild for a day. But I knew the bonus orgasm would be very enticing. Now he’ll have to decide if and when he wants to use it.

But is it just any old bonus orgasm coupon? No it is not. This one comes with the added bonus of not resetting the wait clock. A true bonus orgasm. And, because I’m such a nice person, Lion does not have to use it until December 31, 2014. As I told him, there’s no external pressure to use the coupon quickly. Only his own internal pressure.

It will be interesting to see if he stays the course and waits his full twenty-one days, or if he caves in and uses the coupon. He could always save it. Who knows how long I’ll make him wait in the future?