How Can A Man…
This is the kind of reaction people have when they hear about FLR or enforced chastity.
I regularly get emails and comments that start out with, “How can a man…”, or if less polite, “How can you…” These questions invariably wonder how a normal, heterosexual man can:
- Allow his wife to decide if and when he has an orgasm
- Let her punish him, even spank him
- Wear a chastity device that restricts access to his penis
- Obey his wife like a child obeys his mother
There are more, but you get the idea. Apparently, there are certain standards a male has to meet in order to be a real “man”. Just yesterday, I got this comment in response to the “Ruined Orgasm” post (I’m only quoting part of it):
“Wow. Are you really THAT stupid? This is passive-aggressive jealousy at its absolute worst. You’re jealous because you think a woman’s capacity for pleasure is infinitely more than a man’s. Wake up, be a man, take some action…”
This is one of the more extreme comments. I’m clearly not a “man” in his eyes. The subtext, not too subtle, is that a real man doesn’t let a mere woman control him. This guy stuck to sex. Others make much broader attacks. They all come down to wondering why a man would allow a woman to control any part of him. About half of the people taking this position are female. They seem particularly offended by my surrender of any control to my lioness.
This isn’t too surprising. Even in the twenty-first century, a lot of people are upset when they see any sort of female control in a relationship. They don’t complain if the man is in charge. They may be critical if his authority is abusive, but there is no challenge of this traditional male role.
I’m not trying to reopen the feminist debates of the last century. I recognize that FLR and enforced chastity are outside of even enlightened norms. I don’t expect people to get excited and decide to practice enforced chastity or FLR, but I do expect understanding, or at least acceptance that what we do is weird but not a sin against the deity.
I’m tempted to justify our practices, but I won’t. The reason we do what we do is well documented in our posts. Each and every thing we do is consensual and mutually agree. Mrs. Lion, even 2.0 and I have an egalitarian relationship. While I have surrendered power to her, she chooses to continue our tradition of consensus on things that affect us both.
So, yes she can punish me. Yes, she can prevent me from having an orgasm for as long as she wants. Yes, she can make and enforce any rule she wants without my agreement. She can make me wear a diaper, paint my toenails, and make me wear frilly panties if she wants. She can do all of this because we agreed that all of this and more is OK.
Our mariage is based on trust and love. Whatever our reasons, we have found that our marriage is flourishing under these “kinky” practices. I’m not always happy with what she does to me or makes me do, but I am delighted with our renewed intimacy and continuing love. It’s true that most of this kinky stuff is sexually arousing to me. It’s also true that I suggested most of what we do. But it isn’t all happening to please me. It may have started that way, but now Mrs. Lion has taken over and what happens may or may not make me happy, but it fits the way we choose to define our relationship.
That means I know I will not always be happy or aroused by her decisions or actions. That’s already happening. But I am happy that she has my leash firmly in hand. I like to have my own way. I know that. I’m aggressive and pretty much a type “A” personality. That makes taking control more difficult for my lioness, even though I asked her to do this in the first place.
A Nice Weekend
We had a very productive weekend. A few chores that had been taunting us actually got done. You know, the ones you put off and put off. With that out of the way, and Lion’s wonderful smoked ribs, it was a good weekend. Not necessarily for play though. I didn’t schedule any sling time or pegging. Lion wasn’t ignored by any stretch of the imagination. He just didn’t get any weekend special.
By last night, the Magic Wand was fully charged and ready to go. I thought I’d change things up a bit by inserting the butt plug just before I started playing with Lion. I usually put it in a while before we play. I had the evil idea that holding the plug after he was edged would be a little more difficult, if not just more uncomfortable. I don’t think it quite worked out that way, but it doesn’t really matter. He held it for a little over an hour which is about the standard length of time lately.
The Magic Wand certainly lived up to its name. When it hits a certain spot on his cock, Lion starts wriggling. For the second night, I was relentless. I gave him only a tiny rest in between edges. I’d leave the Magic Wand resting on his balls and then run it up to his head again. Toward the end, that’s all he needed to have an almost-orgasm. I stopped when it was clear that I was only going to get the tiny bead of pre-cum that formed. Then, of course, I sucked him for a few minutes to torture him more.
I don’t think Lion is quite horny enough to come yet. Maybe another day or so. Maybe a week. 2.0 will know when it’s time.
Enforced Chastity And Power Exchange
We ran errands on Saturday. I was in my shock collar. I got a few playful jolts, but no punishment was needed. While we were in a warehouse store, I had to use the men’s room. When I came out, 2.0 decided to give me another playful jolt. It didn’t work. We wondered if I didn’t accidentally turn off the shocker. As it turns out, I didn’t. A bit of my underwear folded under one of the electrodes and insulated me from 2.0’s little shock. We discussed this and agreed that her purse paddle is the only reliable correction device for her to use when we are out of the house.
Saturday night, 2.0 mercilessly edged me. I don’t know how many times she did it, but there was no extra recovery time; get to the edge, slight pause, rinse and repeat. I was a puddle when she finally finished. This sort of activity does leave me frustrated, but I love it.
It seems that pretty much all of the couples who practice enforced chastity have other power exchange interests as well. Some were practicing some sort of partner-dominant play or lifestyle before embarking on enforced chastity. Others discovered chastity and later, wanted to experiment with other power exchange activities. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Is there a fundamental connection between say, FLR and enforced chastity? Do guys who want their cocks locked up also want their butts spanked? The answer to that is no; no, with qualifications.
The first thing to consider is that enforced male chastity is not well known. TV shows have featured BDSM. Fifty Shades of Grey introduced it to millions more around the world. But even inside the leather community, enforced male chastity is almost unknown. I think that enforced chastity is very different from other power exchanges. It’s a 24/7 activity. Very little in BDSM is like that. It’s able to be enforced without active participation on the part of the dominant. The chastity device is locked on and from then on, the keyholder doesn’t have to do anything more. The caged male, on the other hand, is always aware of the loss of control. He can’t forget it. It’s safe to leave him locked up indefinitely. That’s unique.
I don’t think that most people, even BDSM people, would consider trying enforced male chastity. Losing control of sexual expression requires incredible trust. Enforced chastity isn’t an accepted part of the BDSM lexicon. Then why do many of us practice other power exchanges?
I’m not submissive. Mrs. Lion will agree; ask her if you don’t believe me. Even so, I have suggested increasing Mrs. Lion’s control over me. None of these other things are related to enforced chastity beyond the fact that they give my lioness more control. So why does a non-submissive critter like me ask to lose more control? Am I a closet subbie? I don’t think so.
I think that our practice of enforced chastity has improved our marriage immensely. It has also made Mrs. Lion more assertive and more willing to express her expectations and desires. When we agreed to expand her control to cover our lives in general, a much more recent change, it feels to me that our awareness of each other has grown. She pays more attention to what I am doing. I’m much more aware of what she wants.
Domestic discipline — punishment — is part of this expanded power exchange. Mrs. Lion prefers spanking as her punishment of choice. It, like my chastity device, is the physical tool that is facilitating this power exchange. At least for us, some physical, unmistakable device is the catalyst that drives our behavioral change. The chastity device forced us both to remember that Mrs. Lion has full control of my sexuality. If she forgets, I remind her since my desire for sex makes sure I do.
In the more general power exchange, punishment serves the same purpose as the chastity device. Like enforced chastity, FLR was my idea. Punishment lets me know that Mrs. Lion is actually participating actively. I’m inclined to remind her if I break a rule. Her physical response guarantees that she agrees I need a reminder to do better. To remind her that she might owe me some pain, we have scheduled punishment days. Punishment days have one drawback. They remove the punishment some distance from the “crime”. That tends to make it harder to associate the spanking with the reason I earned it. It provides less reinforcement to both of us.
Mrs. Lion noted this and we decided to try to punish me immediately after the offense. At home that is fairly easy, though it does require Mrs. Lion and I to interrupt what we are doing. That, in itself, is a good thing. The disruption provides additional incentive for my lioness to punish severely enough to prevent a re occurrence. She said that she also wants to do this when we are away from home. She now carries a paddle in her purse. It will take a bit of creativity to find a place she can drop my pants and spank me when we are out. This hasn’t happened yet, but I am sure she has considered how she will do this. 2.0 is a very determined lioness.
It seems that power exchanges are dynamic. They don’t arrive at a point and stop. They may not change a lot, but it looks to me that the power will either grow or shrink over time. I could be wrong here since I am judging by my own relationship. Our power exchange is very young. We are each learning our roles and are working out how to fully integrate them into our lives. This will take a long time.
In the beginning it takes some planning and seemingly-artificial activities to start the engine. After a while, it gets a life of its own. That’s what is happening to us with enforced chastity. It’s now an integral part of our marriage. We take it as seriously as any other marriage vow. It’s too early to know where we will go with the other stuff. FLR is still more an activity than part of our lives. I still can’t properly stay still for a spanking. Mrs. Lion often overlooks offenses. We have a lot of work to do. We’ll both keep you posted with our progress.
It Was an Accident
Sure it was. We went to a big box store yesterday and, as I said in my post, Lion was in the shock collar. When he put it on we tested it. Zap. A little tingle. Adjust up one setting. Zap. A little more tingle. Up another setting. Zap. Maybe one more. Zap! Almost through the ceiling. And back off one setting.
I didn’t really expect to have to use the shock collar. Lion is generally very well behaved when he’s wearing it. I usually just give him a little zap to make him jump. When we got out of the truck and he was walking around to meet me – zap! – and a yelp from Lion. I love the look on his face. It’s a cross between “what did I do?” and “oh crap, she’s going to zap me for the hell of it”. It’s amazing how powerful a little zap can be.
Unfortunately, Lion had to visit the men’s room and in the process the shock collar magically stopped working. I tried to zap him and he didn’t feel a thing. That’s convenient. He gets zapped a few times and suddenly the zapper stops functioning? Uh huh. (I’m having a little fun at Lion’s expense.) It is very easy for the button to get pushed. We thought he might have done it while he was rearranging himself. When we got home he realized that it hadn’t been turned off. His underwear had managed (somehow, by chance, yeah right) to get in between his skin and the electrode.
Lion thinks this proves that the purse paddle is the only effective way of punishing for away games. The truth is that the shock collar hasn’t been all that reliable from the beginning. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Most of the time I forget I even have the remote with me. And unless Lion does something horrible, I’m more likely to bring the infraction up once we’re home anyway. But I suppose, if Lion can be trained, I can be trained too so we’ll continue to try the shock collar and now the purse paddle.
Last night we watched a movie that Lion was dying to see. I can’t tell you how many times he said he wanted to see it. Then he found it on pay-per-view. And he spent weeks telling me he wanted to watch it. So watch it already! It was “The Big Short.” I don’t like financial movies. They’re boring. This one explained how the big banks defrauded people and the entire country suffered. I told Lion I don’t need to know how they did it to be pissed off about it. But I sat next to him and “watched” it with him while I played on my iPad. Later on, he was looking for love.
By ten p.m. on most nights, Lion is too tired for love. Last night he was wide awake. Ready for some fun. So I took out the Magic Wand, but it was dead. Phooey! Too bad. Good thing I have two hands. I edged Lion so many times I thought he’d spontaneously combust. Especially since, at the end, I was relentless. I edged him and gave him about two seconds rest before I started again. Over and over. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, I ended, like I do on most nights, with some oral attention. Then Lion went back into the cage and muttered that he was hornier than ever. Perfect!
Today is his scheduled date. I don’t think he’ll come tonight either. But the Magic Wand will be all charged up and waiting for him.
