On Fairness
When people talk about power exchange, one of the first things that comes up is fairness. If one person has control over another, then it must mean the situation is inherently unfair to the submitting member. In many people’s minds control is associated with unfair treatment. The reasoning is that the person in charge does what they want regardless of the wishes of their partner. Therefore it is unfair.
I’ve most often heard this sentiment expressed by the dominant partner, not the person who is supposedly being treated unfairly. There can be a lot of guilt associated with strict control. How many women in female led relationships have anguished over being unfair by being in charge? We’re taught from an early age that if we fail to give people the opportunity to participate in choices that affect them, we are being unfair. We seek agreement before acting. We want to be fair. So, as Archie Bunker said, “ipso fatso,” if we remove choice, we are unfair. I think this conclusion is completely wrong.
Let’s look at the concept of fairness. At root, it means that the needs and sensibilities of others are considered as part of a decision. The dictionary says that fairness is the quality of making judgments that are free from discrimination. OK, we read a bit more into that word. Bear in mind that there is no part of fairness that requires offering a choice to anyone.
So you are the dominant partner in a FLR. Your partner wants you to provide a great deal of structure and make the decisions that govern his life. You agree that he is happiest and most productive when you take strict charge. Then why isn’t it easy to just grab the reins and go? Why do you worry that he may not like what you decide he must do? Why be concerned that he doesn’t want to go to the movie you pick, or eat what you want for dinner? Because you want to be fair. Right?
Presumably, you know what he does and doesn’t like. You know what he needs to do to be the best man he can be. Well, if you don’t know, at least you have some idea. You don’t need his vote to be fair. All you have to do is consider what you believe is in his best interest. You can be both strict and fair. You agreed to your role because you want him to be happy. He wants, even needs, you to call the shots and discipline him as you see fit. Didn’t he ask you for that? Of course he did.
But, you might say, he’s unhappy because I punished him. He’s angry he didn’t get to go out with his friends. He’s not happy. I must have failed as his disciplining wife. No! He didn’t ask you to be his amuser-in-chief. He asked for you to control him and use discipline to keep him on the path you have chosen. That’s what he needs. More importantly, he trusts you to be fair. You are, in a very real sense, his parent. You want him to be happy of course. You also want him to behave properly and follow your guidance to the letter. That’s what he asked of you.
You can make choices for him that give him what he would have asked for if he had a choice. You don’t have to decide to go to the movie you like. You might tell him that you are going to one you know he wants to see. It’s your decision. It’s also fair.
Diaper Scale
Lion did, indeed, spend Saturday afternoon and into the evening in diapers. I was probably too nice to him, however. I allowed him to change once he peed. He didn’t have to sit in a wet, sticky diaper for any length of time. Of course, he felt the need to volunteer information about how diaper-wearing could be made worse. Of course, I know I could have, and probably should have, made his life hell for Friday’s nonsense. But I was just trying to show my displeasure with his behavior.
As Lion was rattling off the various stages of diaper discomfort, I started thinking I should have a diaper scale. You know, one being the least and ten being the most. Something like a one is just for fun or even a warning shot. Two might be for a slightly more egregious offense. For example, if I have Lion wear a diaper like I did yesterday and I allow him to change it once he pees, maybe that’s a one on the scale. So here is the list I just came up with. I’m sure there will be some changes to it as we implement it. In general, Lion won’t have to sleep in the diaper unless I specifically say he should.
- Diaper must be worn at home any time Lion would normally be naked. It may be changed after one pee.
- Diaper must be worn at home any time Lion would normally be naked. It may be changed after two pees.
- Diaper must be worn at home any time Lion would normally be naked. It may be changed after two pees plus one hour.
- Diaper must be worn at home any time Lion would normally be naked. It may be changed after two pees, but just before the next pee.
- Diaper must be worn at all times. It may be changed as soon as possible after wet.
- Diaper must be worn at all times. It may be changed after one pee plus one hour.
- Diaper must be worn at all times. It may be changed after two pees.
- Diaper must be worn at all times. It may be changed after two pees plus one hour.
- Diaper must be worn at all times. It may be changed after two pees, but just before the next pee.
- Diaper must be worn at all times. It may be changed by permission or when Mrs. Lion says so.
As you can see, it would behoove Lion not to piss me off too much. And I also don’t necessarily have to use it as punishment. It can be a training tool too. If I think Lion needs work on following directions, for example. There’s a lot to keep track of once he hits the two pees portion of the list. Keeping track of that hour might be difficult if we’re doing other things. And trying to do other things while in a wet, possibly saggy diaper will be difficult.
Lion loves structure. Here you go, my pet.
Low Effort Domination
As Mrs. Lion wrote she was uncomfortable on Friday night. Things like that are bound to come up with any couple. I could have as easily been in pain from bending the wrong way. The temptation is to suspend activity until the situation improves. Mrs. Lion withdrew physically and emotionally. She moved to her side of the bed and focused on her iPad. There was no conversation about how she was feeling or about plans for me she was unable to execute. After an hour or two of this silence, I was quietly fuming. I’m OK with no action, but definitely not happy when we stop talking about things, particularly our FLR/enforced chastity. I felt that we were reverting to our old pattern, only this time I was locked up with no access to my penis.
I’m not suggesting that my lioness had no reason to avoid me. She was hurting. But the old pattern that has been so destructive is when she just withdraws and doesn’t share what’s going on. This is a bit like the job situation; I’m overly sensitive to thus behavior because I know how bad it was in the past.
But what’s a lioness to do? Apparently the last thing on her mind was any kind of activity with me. She could see I was upset but didn’t ask me what was going on. I didn’t volunteer anything because, as you know, I have been feeling that I am driving our FLR and enforced chastity. I truly don’t want to do that. We had a communication impasse. Apparently, we still don’t know how to use our power exchange to handle these situations.
In my mind, at least, dealing with these disconnects should be pretty easy. For one thing, the problem wasn’t me rebelling against her authority. It was me feeling abandoned. Clearly, Mrs. Lion was unable to do anything physical. She was in pain. But there were options. The one option I didn’t want to exercise was to tell her that I was feeling badly about the silence and not feeling her control. If I did that, she would have played with me even though she was in pain. I didn’t want that at all.
She had some good options, however. For one thing she could have told me to stop pouting and let me know that when she felt better I would be punished. That would have worked very well. A lioness growl goes a long way. Another easy option was to put me in diapers because I was pouting like a baby. I’m sure there are other ideas easily as effective.
As it turns out, yesterday Mrs. Lion independently decided to put me in diapers for being a baby. It’s too bad she waited so long. I’m learning that the closer the response to the problem, the better it is for me, possibly both of us. The one thing that doesn’t work is to ignore my reaction. Doing that brings all the old ghosts to life. I’m discovering that the longer I am in a submissive role, the more dependent I am on Mrs. Lion’s dominance. When it is not forthcoming I feel lost and hurt. I don’t like that about myself. I hope I can become less dependent while maintaining my role. I guess we both have a lot more to learn.
A Teachable Moment
I think Lion neglected to follow what he wrote in his own post. He wrote:
“If he persists, she gives him a painful bite. He never retaliates.”
Oh really? Last night’s behavior proves otherwise. [Lion — Is pouting retaliation?]
When we came home from dinner, I was in more pain than usual. I told Lion. I did try to snuggle with him at one point, but my neck was very stiff and I said it was uncomfortable to be in the snuggling position. I went back to my side of the bed and tried not to move too much. Everything hurt, but my neck was the worst. We ran through some TV shows we had recorded and then Lion asked what I wanted to watch. I picked a show, which I almost never do. A short time later, Lion got quiet and even left the room. When he came back, I asked if he was OK. He said, “Why wouldn’t I be?” I didn’t push it. I also didn’t push it when he didn’t speak for the rest of the night. Or when he rolled over and went to sleep without a kiss.
This morning was more of the same. I finally broke the silence by asking him what he wanted for breakfast. I suggested one thing but he didn’t want it. I started making something else and he didn’t want that either. Eventually he told me he doesn’t know what I want and that’s why he was mad. The short version is that he was disappointed because I didn’t tell him bluntly that we weren’t going to play. In the past, saying I’m very achy has been enough. Something changed. Now I don’t follow through with plans and I don’t do what I say I’m going to do. For the record, I didn’t promise or even allude to anything in yesterday’s post.
So, here we are, back to the beginning of 2.0, who emerged after a previous “discussion” about my achiness. No worries. 2.0 is back again. Since Lion insists on acting like a baby, he will be treated like a baby. When we get back from our errands today, Lion will be in a diaper. Any grumbling will be met with swats. On a bare bottom, not through the diaper. Tonight, although it is not punishment night, he will receive swats for the silent treatment as well as the missed good night kiss. Consider this the painful bite, Lion. And don’t even think about retaliating.
