By:
In: Keyholder101, Lion's Journal
stop sign
Understanding your male’s reactions are critical to safe play.

Safewords are used to give the bottom (caged male) an emergency switch to immediately stop what is happening. For example, if during a spanking the bottom suddenly gets a chest pain, he can use the safeword to immediately stop the spanking, get released from bondage, and get help. The intention is recognition that the bottom must have some control to prevent injury; physical or psychological. Safewords also give the top some comfort in knowing that the bottom can scream, shout “No!” and make other protests without causing the top to have to analyze whether these complaints are real or part of the bottom’s enjoyment of the experience. Obviously, if the bottom uses the safeword, the top must immediately stop the action and aid the bottom.

Unfortunately, safewords aren’t enough. In three decades of topping and dungeon monitoring I have never had a bottom use a safeword. In that same time I have stopped many scenes because the bottom was clearly in distress. Why didn’t the bottom safeword? There are several reasons why the safeword isn’t reliable.

The main problem is what some people call “sub space”. This is a condition that bottoms, runners, athletes, and others who endure physical stress experience. As part of the “fight or flight” reflexes all humans have, endorphins, a brain harmone, is released when the body feels this stress. Endorphins mask pain and create a pleasant kind of euphoria. This is sub space. For some it’s addictive. If during play the stimulation is slowly increased, endorphin production will keep pace and the bottom will enjoy the stimulation. That’s why “warm up” is generally practiced; gently spanking or otherwise stimulating the bottom to build endorphins that will allow the bottom to take more later.

As a keyholder top, you need to be aware of this endorphin process. Since your caged male will be unable to accurately report any possible injury or stress, you need to understand the signs so you can control your stimulation and know when you might need to stop. Here is a list of things to do and observe that will help you keep your play safe:

  • If you use bondage, every few minutes feel the bottom’s hands and feet. If they are cold, circulation may be cut off.  Also note the color. If the hands or feet look a bit blue, that also can signal circulation problems. This can happen even with loose bondage. Thrashing and pulling on the bonds can cut off circulation. Feel the hands and feet immediately after you restrain them. That will give you a baseline. If later they feel colder, it’s time to stop for a bit and assure that circulation is ok.
  • Sweating is often a sign of stress. Assuming the room isn’t too hot, if your bottom starts to sweat, it may mean that he is feeling physical stress. Frequently the sweat will appear on the back and under the arms. Sometimes it will have an unpleasant smell. If this happens, you may not need to stop, but you should be much more sensitive to other signs. Reducing the level of stimulation for a bit can help too.
  • Heavy breathing is also a sign of stress. Panting is frequently a sign of stress. Ask the male if he is ok. If he can answer in a way that indicates he is aware of what is going on, you can trust his reply. If he sounds sleepy or incoherent, it means that he is on an endorphin trip and his answers can not be trusted.

Many bottoms consider an endorphin high as the main reason they like a top to stimulate them painfully. People do not react the same way to endorphins. I had a friend who would fall asleep almost immediately after getting spanked or flogged. He was unresponsive for a half hour or so and just needed to be covered and allowed to sleep it off. I don’t slip very far into sub space. I can actually enjoy spanking or flogging. What hurt horribly in the beginning starts to feel good. At that point I would never use a safeword. I am having fun.

As a top, you need to decide what you want your caged male to experience. If you want to spank him and make him feel every swat, then start hard and fast and increase stimulation before his endorphins can catch up. He will hate that. Of course, that is the objective of punishment. If you are playing, then start softly and build slowly. It takes me about ten or fifteen minutes before my endorphin level is high enough for me to enjoy hard swats. Also, if you use a paddle, the sensation is more sting. Sting isn’t well masked by endorphins. A flogger or a heavy strap is more “thud” and stimulates endorphin production more quickly. Ever wonder why some people like to be punctured with needles? For some, just one needle stick will induce an endorphin high.

What about bruises? Most males will bruise at one time or another. They are not a danger sign in and of themselves. In fact, well placed bruises on the lower half of the butt will provide a lasting reminder of your spanking every time he sits. One important rule is never hit a bruise. Even if you have to stop your activities, you must avoid re injuring a bruised spot. Another no-no is to hit an area that doesn’t have good padding; muscle or fat. Spanking the penis also has a few rules too. The erectile tissue (the shaft) should never be hit when he is hard. That tissue is very easy to damage. However, the penis head is fair game at any time. It also has the benefit of being very sensitive so it won’t take much effort to get a big reaction. Balls may be spanked too. Avoid heavy hitting objects. You need to protect the testes (balls) from deep injury. They are tough but need care when stimulated. His reaction will be a good sign. If he gets nauseous that is a sign you may be hitting too hard. Take your time and learn how he reacts. By the way, most males react much more to penis spanking than butt swats. It is an area no man expects to be spanked.

Most important is to start gently and observe your caged male’s reactions to stimulation. Take your time. Safe play depends on understanding your male and the way he reacts to various stimuli If you can, see if there are workshops in your area conducted by local leather organizations on spanking and other topping and bottoming topics. Seeing a demo and talking with experienced people is a great way to learn. Most important, have fun!.

By:
In: Femdom, Keyholder, Keyholder101, Lion's Journal, Punishment
remote control
This remote control gives the keyholder her invisible leash. Small and easy to operate, it takes male control to a new level. Once you determine the right setting that will signal your male without hurting him, enforcing compliance is as easy as holding the button longer. Or for correction, pressing the red +2 button for a stronger message.

Control is all about communication. The training collar is a silent form of communication that will provide the keyholder with a new level of control. Yesterday, we talked about the training collar that can be adapted to provide silent communication between the keyholder and her caged male. When I first tried the new training collar on, I was worried that I was in for a world of hurt. After all, this thing delivers electrical shocks! I envisioned the painful jolts I got when wiring and mistakenly touching a live wire. Now those shocks were going to be delivered under my balls; the most sensitive part of my anatomy. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that this device is not at all what I expected. In fact, Mrs. Lion had to keep dialing up the intensity until I could feel anything happening. It was easy to discover a setting that felt to me like a warm buzzing under my balls. It wasn’t painful at all. As we continued increasing the power it did get to the point where I really wanted it to stop. It wasn’t pleasant. But unlike the pain from a spanking or Icy Hot on my balls, when Mrs. Lion released the button, there was no residual pain. Nothing. This was new to me. It turns out that this transient “correction” is ideal for keyholder communication with her caged male.

Even if you aren’t interested in punishment or pain play, the collar and its little remote offer a great way to extend the caged male experience. Say hello to Male Control. Today we will look at how a keyholder can use the collar to silently direct her male to do things she wishes.

Come
This is a very useful command. It instructs the male to return to his keyholder. How many times have you wanted to  call him at a party, in a theater lobby, or a store? Wouldn’t it be convenient to be able to call him if he is within several hundred feet of you without even raising your voice? With the collar it’s easy. Just press the yellow button. Think of it as a doorbell. The first “ring” can be short and polite. If he doesn’t “hear” you, ring again pressing longer. You can press up to 5 seconds. If you still need to get his attention, try a series of buzzes, each about 5 seconds long. Don’t worry, you won’t injure him, but you should get his attention.

Sit
This may seem like a doggy command, but it actually useful for your caged male. If you are together and he is dominating the conversation or otherwise acting in a way that you want to calm down, press the yellow button three times in quick succession. He will learn that means to cool it.  I think you are seeing how this works.

Sexual commands
There are times when it is inconvenient to give verbal directions. For example, he is giving you oral attention. It’s nice but you want it more intense. Three quick pushes of the yellow button can tell him to lick faster. Similarly, a long, slow press can mean slow down. You can see the possibilities. You can also use the stimulation to distract him if he close to orgasm and you want to stop or delay it. This won’t necessarily work on the “signal” setting. You may need to press and hold the “+2” button until he indicates he has forgotten about his orgasm.

NO!
No is a correction. It means you want him to stop something he is doing now. Typically, behavioral correction had to wait for a convenient time to spank or otherwise punish. Now, you can correct him on the spot. Consider. You don’t like that he touches his genitals. Most males do this almost unconsciously. Saying “No!” loudly will remind him, but it is noisy and only temporarily effective. Your electronic leash can do so much more. If he has his collar on, if he touches, just give the +2 button a two-second push. It will provide an unpleasant reminder that he is breaking a rule. This isn’t really punishment; it’s correction. As soon as you release the button, the sensation ends. Each time he touches, you press the +2 button. It may not happen right away, but he will learn not to touch himself. This method of correction applies to any behavior you want to modify. What if he disregards your +2 correction? Simple. Raise the power and give a long pulse to him. If he is especially defiant, just keep increasing the intensity and length of time you hold down the button. He will lose interest in defying you very rapidly. All in real time.

Correction is not punishment. It is helping your male associate an unpleasant sensation with the behavior you want him to stop. He will get the point and you will extinguish the undesired behavior. For this to be effective, you need to correct every time he repeats the behavior. Don’t worry, it won’t take long for him to learn, and with some reminders now and then, he will learn to do what you want.

The invisible leash doesn’t necessarily replace punishment. Many caged males like the drama and humiliation of a spanking or other punishment. Discipline is appropriate when he is naughty. I consider that I am naughty when I am negligent or willful in not obeying a rule. A correction from the collar won’t help in that case. Being naughty isn’t as simple as interrupting or touching myself. It doesn’t really pay to correct for dropping something (Mrs. Lion swats me with a paddle when I do). But it is appropriate if I interrupt her since it stops me mid-interruption and I associate the unpleasant sensation with interrupting. The difference is subtle, but you probably see how it would work in your relationship.

One more thing. We are not able to tell you if this device will be effective for your male. Everyone is different and there could be problems with some especially sensitive people. You do this understanding that you are responsible and must exercise care and establish how he reacts. Don’t locate the collar anywhere above the waist. Under his balls seems to be a good spot since you don’t need very strong stimulation and the area is below the waist. We have only tried the specific product we have presented here. Training collars for larger dogs, anti-bark collars, and other brands may deliver more power. Always start with the lowest setting and give him a chance to react and tell you how it feels. Mrs. Lion and I are discovering the fun and power of the invisible leash. You may want to try one too.

By:
In: Keyholder101, Lion's Journal
high heel boots
Topping is all about power exchange. The keyholder demonstrates to the caged male that she is the boss.

Very often your caged male wants much more than simple sex deprivation. He also wants discipline and control. I have written about this before, but one area seems to cause confusion for new keyholders: discipline for what? Occasionally there is real behavior modification that a keyholder wants to make in her caged male’s behavior. It can range from inattention to argumentativeness. Normally, a primarily sexual activity like forced chastity is the wrong place to correct these issues, but in some cases it will work. In the  majority of cases there isn’t a problem that needs correction, yet your male wants you to demonstrate your control over him. He might suggest rules, making him wait to orgasm, etc. But it probably isn’t particularly helpful and may create more anxiety for you.

In a way, this problem goes to the heart of being a top. So instead of considering what he wants, let’s look at how topping can work. I come to this knowledge honestly. I was a top for thirty  years before I decided I wanted to switch. For the record, this happens a lot in the leather community. People migrate from one role to the other from time to time. Anyway, whether it’s forced chastity or BDSM, topping is one side of a power exchange. Your caged male is the bottom. He has given you power over him: overtly sexual power. The trouble is that power exchange doesn’t happen unless it is exercised. Simply locking him up is one act, but you haven’t demonstrated any control. Chances are very good that even if he doesn’t mention it, he wants you to show him you are in charge. He wants rules and discipline!

So how do you do this to a male who you love and who already treats you really well? Let’s explore our options. You want to pick things that don’t force you to micromanage his life. Take it from me, it gets old fast if your bottom is constantly pestering you with requests for permission. You will probably get tired of constantly inspecting the outcome of his chores. So what to do? Consider easy stuff. Does he always put dirty clothes in the hamper? Does he put down the toilet seat? Make those punishable offenses. Spank him and/or extend his lock up time for offenses. You are now satisfying his need to bottom. You can also enforce sexual rules. Do you want him inside you so you can orgasm but not to come himself? If he has an “accident” punish him with a sound spanking. Put him in a rubber penis sleeve next time to discourage his bad behavior.

I’m sure you see the theme. You may have seen some posts about humiliation. There is an  aspect to the caged male’s psyche that defies most women’s comprehension: we like some humiliation. Making a man accept a spanking on his bare bottom appears humiliating to some keyholders, but it turns on pretty much every man. Making him perform tricks for you, dance for you, account for why he forgot to do something can feel belittling to the top. Yet, it is a graphic demonstration of your control of him.

Most new tops feel that they are doing all this because their males want it. It’s true, but it certainly not what we want to believe. We want to believe that our tops are making us wait to come, spanking us, making us do things because it what they want. It isn’t much fun if we think you are spanking us or making us wait to come because you know we want it. We want it to appear that you own it. At some point you probably will own it and learn to love the power and even the gentle humiliation. In the meantime for this to work, we need to believe you do. One good way to exercise power and still basically fulfill your bottom’s needs is to almost give him what he wants. Since my keyholder reads this, I should be careful what I say next. Oh well, here goes.

In my case I never wanted to have to wait for a long time between orgasms. I want the control and discipline. However, I have given my keyholder an easy opportunity to make me feel her control. If we settle on a regular pattern of releases, say two or three a week (I know that is a lot to many, but that has been our pattern), varying that arbitrarily shows my keyholder’s power. Making me wait just because she wants me to is a very strong demonstration. As Mrs. Lion has been showing me, also doing it very frequently whether or not I am in the mood is also equally effective.

The point to topping is the regular demonstration of control. It’s about modifying the bottom’s behavior to suit your wishes; or more realistically, changing his behavior in a way that makes him believe you are doing it because you want him to change. The last thing I want to talk about is conditioning. As people who have studied behavioral psychology will tell you, conditioning is a very powerful way to change behavior. It can be amusing for you and not harmful for him to use conditioning in your repertoire of topping tools.

One area is evolving his behavior so he ends up doing something that he would have never believed he would do. This conditioning is gradual. For example, you decide you want him to do a sexy striptease any time you tell him. He finds that too embarrassing to consider and refuses. At that point, you would just spank him till he does it. That would satisfy the discipline area, but not quite what we want here. Instead, you sneak up on him. Maybe start by telling him that when he gets home from work he has to undress completely while you watch. Take your time and let him make this a habit. It could take a week or two. When he is completely comfortable giving you this show, add some music and ask him to move with the music while he does it. It will be a disaster at first, but praise him when he does a good move. He will be stripping happily to music in no time. The key is to never give up on what you decide he should do. Just pick which direction to approach making the change. Do  you discipline if he doesn’t or do you appear to agree not to make him do it and then work out a gradual approach that will end up with  him doing just what you wanted.

Sound like fun? I hope so. Even if it isn’t at first, this is the essence of a sexual power exchange. You could end up loving it. You won’t know until you give it a fair chance.

By:
In: Femdom, Keyholder101, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity
anal penetration
Pegging is anal penetration by the keyholder.

Strictly speaking, being a keyholder doesn’t require any activity beyond locking up your male and occasionally letting him out for hygiene and exercise. However, very few caged males would be happy with such a limited confinement. As a keyholder, your experience would also be rather one-dimensional if limited to the basics.  Last time we discussed tease and denial as an amusing part of forced male chastity. Today’s topic is quite different.

Tease and deny is just a small variation on an activity I’m sure you have done many times in the past. Pegging, however, may be new, even alien to you. What is this activity? It’s anal penetration of the male by his keyholder. Don’t stop reading. It turns out that this is an activity your male will end up loving.

Before we go any further, let’s get rid of some common concerns. A big one for many is that male anal penetration is homosexual. If a male likes it, he is a latent homosexual and if you teach him to enjoy it, you are making him queer.  The simple fact is that men and women both have lots of pleasure nerve endings in the anus. Enjoying activity there says nothing about sexual orientation. Stimulation there can become very erotic and fun for both men and women regardless of sexual orientation.  Another concern is that you  could hurt him by inserting something up there.  Actually there is no serious danger if you are sensible and take feedback from your male.

The biggest objection is that it is “dirty” back there. A lot of people hang on to things learned in early childhood; namely that the asshole is dirty and needs to be avoided. The fact is that with a little washing, the rear can be a very nice place to play.

Ok, now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about the activity and the necessary tools. The first thing you need is a dildo. This can be a realistic imitation penis, or something more abstract. The best material is silicone. This stuff is dishwasher safe, can be boiled and won’t absorb anything. You can find lots of them here. What about size? The key measurement is diameter. Length isn’t important since you control depth of insertion. Over time (a month or so), you will actually need several sizes. A good starter size is about one inch in diameter. Most men can learn to accept that fairly quickly. After he is comfortable with that size, you can move up to 1 1/2 inch. That is a good size to stay with, but moving up further is good training for him in relaxing and letting you do as you wish.

Technically, pegging is done with the dildo in a strap-on harness. This device lets you wear the dildo as though it were your penis. Pegging is using your strapped on penis to fuck his anus. However, at first the harness is not really the best idea. You need to get him used to your penetration.  That is best done with him lying on his stomach and you holding the dildo in your hand. Take the beginner dildo and get it covered with lube. Also use your hand and lube his anus. You can’t use too much lube. Most of the discomfort he will feel will be due to insufficient lube.

Take the lubed dildo and slowly insert it in his anus. Take your time. Keep a steady pressure on it so it slowly goes in. If it hurts him and he wants you to stop, pause. Leave it where it is. If that is still too painful, slowly remove it, add more lube and begin again. It takes patience and time. The first session might only last five or ten minutes. Hopefully you will be able to get it all the way in. Hold it there. Don’t move in or out. Just let him get used to it. Hold it for ten minutes if he can accommodate it. Then very slowly remove it. Whatever you do, don’t abruptly end the session because of complaints. Be sympathetic but firm. Remove the dildo for a minute or two then start again. The key is to make him realize that this is going to happen and while you will let him rest a bit, the dildo will go in. After you have it inserted and held it there a while, you can slowly remove it and end the session.

sIf he isn’t sore the next day, repeat. It is perfectly normal to be sore for a while until he learns to relax. It isn’t dangerous or a bad sign.  Let him know it is a normal part of learning to use new muscles. That’s exactly what it is. After a couple of sessions, begin moving the dildo in and out. Don’t let the tip completely exit, but pull it out as far as you can and push back in. Start slowly the first time. Build up over the next few sessions.

Now you can add the harness. Wear it tightly strapped to your body. Try positioning the dildo so it is right over your clitoris. That way, each thrust will stimulate you. Some women can orgasm that way. Now you can really peg him.

Believe it or not, most men learn to love this. It’s a great part of the forced chastity experience because it is very physical and sexual without providing him with an orgasm. It is also an unmistakable message about your dominance. Remember, this takes time and patience. Your efforts will be rewarded.