Keyholder 101: Topping

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Topping is all about power exchange. The keyholder demonstrates to the caged male that she is the boss.

Very often your caged male wants much more than simple sex deprivation. He also wants discipline and control. I have written about this before, but one area seems to cause confusion for new keyholders: discipline for what? Occasionally there is real behavior modification that a keyholder wants to make in her caged male’s behavior. It can range from inattention to argumentativeness. Normally, a primarily sexual activity like forced chastity is the wrong place to correct these issues, but in some cases it will work. In the  majority of cases there isn’t a problem that needs correction, yet your male wants you to demonstrate your control over him. He might suggest rules, making him wait to orgasm, etc. But it probably isn’t particularly helpful and may create more anxiety for you.

In a way, this problem goes to the heart of being a top. So instead of considering what he wants, let’s look at how topping can work. I come to this knowledge honestly. I was a top for thirty  years before I decided I wanted to switch. For the record, this happens a lot in the leather community. People migrate from one role to the other from time to time. Anyway, whether it’s forced chastity or BDSM, topping is one side of a power exchange. Your caged male is the bottom. He has given you power over him: overtly sexual power. The trouble is that power exchange doesn’t happen unless it is exercised. Simply locking him up is one act, but you haven’t demonstrated any control. Chances are very good that even if he doesn’t mention it, he wants you to show him you are in charge. He wants rules and discipline!

So how do you do this to a male who you love and who already treats you really well? Let’s explore our options. You want to pick things that don’t force you to micromanage his life. Take it from me, it gets old fast if your bottom is constantly pestering you with requests for permission. You will probably get tired of constantly inspecting the outcome of his chores. So what to do? Consider easy stuff. Does he always put dirty clothes in the hamper? Does he put down the toilet seat? Make those punishable offenses. Spank him and/or extend his lock up time for offenses. You are now satisfying his need to bottom. You can also enforce sexual rules. Do you want him inside you so you can orgasm but not to come himself? If he has an “accident” punish him with a sound spanking. Put him in a rubber penis sleeve next time to discourage his bad behavior.

I’m sure you see the theme. You may have seen some posts about humiliation. There is an  aspect to the caged male’s psyche that defies most women’s comprehension: we like some humiliation. Making a man accept a spanking on his bare bottom appears humiliating to some keyholders, but it turns on pretty much every man. Making him perform tricks for you, dance for you, account for why he forgot to do something can feel belittling to the top. Yet, it is a graphic demonstration of your control of him.

Most new tops feel that they are doing all this because their males want it. It’s true, but it certainly not what we want to believe. We want to believe that our tops are making us wait to come, spanking us, making us do things because it what they want. It isn’t much fun if we think you are spanking us or making us wait to come because you know we want it. We want it to appear that you own it. At some point you probably will own it and learn to love the power and even the gentle humiliation. In the meantime for this to work, we need to believe you do. One good way to exercise power and still basically fulfill your bottom’s needs is to almost give him what he wants. Since my keyholder reads this, I should be careful what I say next. Oh well, here goes.

In my case I never wanted to have to wait for a long time between orgasms. I want the control and discipline. However, I have given my keyholder an easy opportunity to make me feel her control. If we settle on a regular pattern of releases, say two or three a week (I know that is a lot to many, but that has been our pattern), varying that arbitrarily shows my keyholder’s power. Making me wait just because she wants me to is a very strong demonstration. As Mrs. Lion has been showing me, also doing it very frequently whether or not I am in the mood is also equally effective.

The point to topping is the regular demonstration of control. It’s about modifying the bottom’s behavior to suit your wishes; or more realistically, changing his behavior in a way that makes him believe you are doing it because you want him to change. The last thing I want to talk about is conditioning. As people who have studied behavioral psychology will tell you, conditioning is a very powerful way to change behavior. It can be amusing for you and not harmful for him to use conditioning in your repertoire of topping tools.

One area is evolving his behavior so he ends up doing something that he would have never believed he would do. This conditioning is gradual. For example, you decide you want him to do a sexy striptease any time you tell him. He finds that too embarrassing to consider and refuses. At that point, you would just spank him till he does it. That would satisfy the discipline area, but not quite what we want here. Instead, you sneak up on him. Maybe start by telling him that when he gets home from work he has to undress completely while you watch. Take your time and let him make this a habit. It could take a week or two. When he is completely comfortable giving you this show, add some music and ask him to move with the music while he does it. It will be a disaster at first, but praise him when he does a good move. He will be stripping happily to music in no time. The key is to never give up on what you decide he should do. Just pick which direction to approach making the change. Do  you discipline if he doesn’t or do you appear to agree not to make him do it and then work out a gradual approach that will end up with  him doing just what you wanted.

Sound like fun? I hope so. Even if it isn’t at first, this is the essence of a sexual power exchange. You could end up loving it. You won’t know until you give it a fair chance.