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In: Keyholder, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity

Orgasm control is a term that’s bandied about on various forums. People who use this term consider it different than enforced chastity. Depending on who is writing, some fine, basically-trivial differences are cited. Let’s try to clarify.

First, enforced male chastity is a practice where the male is forbidden to have sexual release that isn’t authorized by a person called his keyholder. Many people who practice this use a mechanical chastity device that is locked on the penis and prevents erection and orgasm. This device, however, is not necessary to practice enforced chastity. The requirement is that the male won’t allow himself to orgasm in any way without the authorization of the keyholder.

As Mrs. Lion has made very clear, whether or not I am wearing a chastity device has nothing to do with her control of my sexuality. I like wearing the device because I find it exciting and I like the fact that I have no choice whether or not I can have an orgasm. When she lets me remain uncaged, I still don’t have the right to touch myself sexually, or for that matter, let anyone else touch me sexually. But it is possible without the mechanical barrier.

Some people believe that the chastity device is the only tool the keyholder has to control the caged male’s sexual activity. They also believe that sexual control without a mechanical device is orgasm control, not enforced chastity. So, apparently for some people, enforced chastity is about hardware and orgasm control is dominance.

That’s not how my lioness and keyholder looks at it; at least now. When we started, enforced chastity was something she did to make me happy. I didn’t cheat because I was living one of my fantasies. Somewhere along the way Mrs. Lion came to think of me masturbating in a similar way to how she thinks of me having sex with another woman. I talked a bit about this change in my post yesterday.

You see, enforced chastity / orgasm control are both part of a power exchange. In the world of BDSM, power exchanges are negotiated, have limits, and can have safe words. In our marriage, enforced chastity is no longer a power exchange; it’s a marriage vow. It’s an essential part of the bond of trust that Mrs. Lion and I share as a couple. I absolutely trust that she won’t have sex with anyone but me. She absolutely trusts that I won’t have sex with another woman and also trusts that I will never touch myself sexually.

This goes way beyond a power exchange. It is a central trust issue in our marriage. I don’t think either of us noticed this shift. Somehow it went from something Mrs. Lion did to make me happy, to something she enjoyed as well, and now to a marriage vow she considers central to our relationship.

This evolution is completely unexpected. I don’t think either of us noticed until I asked in a post how Mrs. Lion would react to me masturbating. Her reaction caught me by surprise. I suspect it surprised her too. I’m still processing my feelings about this. I accept it, but it does make me feel a bit odd. It is clear that whether or not we practice BDSM or I wear a chastity device, I can never touch my penis sexually. Only Mrs. Lion has access to it. Wow!

By:
In: Keyholder, Keyholder101, Lion's Journal

I’ve been thinking about our enforced chastity and what made it work. I can’t claim that we had a grand plan and by following it, succeeded. There is no grand plan. There never was. Most guys start off in enforced chastity attempting to turn a very hot sexual fantasy into reality. Chances are very good that the person they select as keyholder has never heard of this kink before.

Let’s assume you are the female partner in a vanilla relationship. One evening your partner tells you that he wants to be locked in a male chastity device. He shows you one. You love him a lot. So you ask him to explain what he wants. He tells you about his fantasy. He wants you to put this device on his penis and then leave it there until he is exploding with desire. He tells you that by doing this, he will focus only on you and will spend his life pleasing you in any way he can.

You are skeptical. You wonder if he has been holding back all these years and only by locking him up, will discover he can do so much more. That doesn’t feel like an incentive to you. In fact, this fantasy seems completely unrealistic. On the other hand, you don’t see any immediate downside, so you say yes. He puts on the device. It looks uncomfortable. He hands you the lock and keys. He shows you where to put the lock. You lock him in. Now what?

If he is smart, he kisses you and thanks you for doing this for him. If he isn’t, he’ll start telling you what you should do now. It will be an unrealistic list of activities, most not particularly interesting to you. He is very excited and you can see that his penis is trying to get erect in its cage.

At this point you may decide to indulge him and try to do the things he asks. If the list isn’t too long or annoying, you fall into a rhythm of activities and waiting. You still don’t see what he gets out of it, but you are reasonably comfortable indulging him. After a while, he may get tired of the game and want to get out. Or, he will escalate his list of “shoulds” until you feel overwhelmed and call an end yourself.

There is a third path: success. This involves changing the game. As his keyholder you recognize that under all his fantasy talk, he is asking for a simple power exchange. The fantasies revolve around the idea that you make him want sex, but deny him until you feel like letting him ejaculate. That’s it. The other stuff is sexual fantasy he has used to masturbate.

Once you recognize this simple truth, it’s fairy easy to provide him with exactly what he wants without the burden of his masturbatory fantasies. You realize that while he may want indefinite lockup, he is accustomed to sex of some kind fairly regularly. He doesn’t realize how difficult long waits will be at first. So you start him off with a nice handjob every five to seven days. You realize that his desire is to be controlled, so every day or two you unlock him and masturbate him to the edge of orgasm a few times and lock him up again.

This increases his desire and reinforces your sexual control. You can do other things too. While he is locked up, you can have him please you with his mouth or hands. My suggestion is to avoid penetration for the first month or two. He can misinterpret penetration as taking back control. Over time, you can increase his wait. It will take a while for him to learn to manage less frequent orgasms, but if you gradually increase his time, he will learn. Go from a week to ten days; then go to two weeks. Gradually increase the waits to the level you wish. Many men, even with regular teasing, will start to find it easier and easier to manage their desire as the longer waits go on. So, as a good keyholder, when you see that subtle drop off in interest, you give him an orgasm and start the frustrating process all over again. This can be fun for you.

This is just one approach. You will most likely come up with one of your own. The point is that acting out his chastity fantasies will probably not work over time. Coming up with your own approach can turn enforced chastity into a permanent part of your lives. That’s what happened with us. Mrs. Lion experiments and learns what works for us both. We’ve discovered that enforced chastity has benefits far beyond sexual play. So, if I ever get tired of it, tough luck! I’m locked up for life.

By:
In: Keyholder, Lion's Journal

We are finally back to normal. Mrs. Lion is still feeling under the weather but the worst is over. The power came on Monday night. That helps a lot. While she may still be sick, 2.0 is back. Monday night is our usual punishment night and I was spanked. I had growled at Mrs. Lion during the power outage. I also spilled some pizza on my shirt. The spanking could have been much worse. I’m grateful it wasn’t.

Mrs. Lion said a couple of interesting things. She mentioned that she was thinking of making me wear the shock collar when we went out during the power problem. She thought better of it, she said. She also said that she was thinking of putting pennies in the spanking bank for my growls, but she didn’t. I think this is a hint at what Lioness 2.1 will be like. There is still a filter between her dominant ideas and action. I think her concern for my happiness sometimes causes that.

Both rejected ideas were during a stressful time when neither of us was feeling very good. I can understand her kind nature being concerned that adding stress to my life might not be the best idea. Perhaps she was right. On the other hand, maybe she is being too kind. I know that to some readers, she should just do things without any thought to my situation. That’s unrealistic. But I think that her instincts are very good. Neither of her ideas would have pushed me too hard.

This is an area of growth for us both. Mrs. Lion has made great strides in her role as keyholder and disciplining wife. I am very happy she shares her thoughts about FLR, discipline, and play even if she isn’t always implementing each idea. My reaction to date is that every single idea she had was absolutely the right thing to do and was well within my ability to manage. It may be that she is still a bit uncertain about upsetting me or hurting me.

This is natural and reflects how much she loves me. I think it may be time for her to turn that filter off and see what happens. Even with the filter off, she is unlikely to go too far. And no, this isn’t me topping from the bottom. It’s me, the experienced top offering some advice. In my experience, one of the hardest things about being a top is learning to go with  your instincts. 2.0’s instincts are excellent. I really hope she can trust them. If she does, we will both benefit.

By:
In: Keyholder, Mrs Lion Comments, Punishment

Lion didn’t get spanked last night. I wasn’t feeling well. He’ll definitely have some fun tonight though. It’s his last orgasm of 2015. We’ll make our own fireworks even if we do them far earlier than midnight.

Lion has a long list of New Year’s resolutions. Several years ago I resolved not to make any more resolutions. So far it’s the only resolution I’ve ever kept. Instead, I just plod along considering myself a work in progress. I’m always open to trying things and trying to do things better. It doesn’t always work. I usually fall flat on my face, but once I get back up, I give it another shot. [Lion — That’s absolutely untrue! I’ve never met a more open person than Mrs. Lion. She usually succeeds at whatever she tries. She is too hard on herself]

For 2016, we’ll continue on with chastity and domestic discipline. I’m willing to work toward FLR although I realize we need to take baby steps. I won’t suddenly want to be in charge of everything. However, I may gradually do a better job of being in charge of Lion. He’s a handful.

Most of all, I need to be consistent. Lion needs to know that he’ll be punished if he misbehaves. Every time. Not just the other day because I remembered but not the next time because I forget. And if I say I’m going to do something, I need to follow through. Lion gets his hopes up when I tell him he’ll get sling time and then I forget. That’s not fair. At the very least, I need to let him know the plans have changed. Then he won’t feel forgotten. [Lion — She’s right. I need consistency]

It sounds like we both have a lot of work to do in the new year.