By:
In: Advice for a new keyholder, Keyholder, Lion's Journal

Have you been to an amusement park and took a ride on the roller coaster? Exciting! Have you been to a theme park, like Disney World, and rode Space Mountain. It’s a roller coaster too. Which was more fun? I vote for Space Mountain. The Disney attraction if you see it in the light, is more of a kiddie coaster, but because there is a story wrapped around the ride, it is much more exciting.

The reason for this is that the amusement park ride is just hardware, Space Mountain is an experience. While waiting on line, you pass through all sorts of space stuff: a control room, countdowns, and other interesting displays. By the time you get to the actual ride you are primed for a space experience. You’ve been prepared for an exciting ride in space.

There is a strong parallel with enforced chastity. None of the fantasies are about someone simply locking the penis in a device. There is always a story. It could be the possessive wife/girlfriend who doesn’t want to take any chances her man will cheat. Or, maybe he can’t be trusted not to jerk off to pornography. There is always a reason the device is introduced. Once it is in place, she discovers other benefits like increased sexual attention to her, a willingness to do housework, etc. In some stories she also humiliates the caged male. I think you might agree that thinking about the fantasy plot line is every bit as exciting as wearing the chastity device. I would be surprised if many new keyholders realize the importance of creating a story as well as managing their caged males’ ability to orgasm.

Years ago, I attended a workshop for BDSM switches (people who assume both dominant and submissive roles). Two of the speakers were a married couple who both switched. They took turns being dominant over the other. They demonstrated how they did this. I was very impressed that as soon as one of them assumed the dominant role, their entire demeanor changed. The dominant partner became strict and autocratic. He (or she) would act as though the role was permanent. There was a story.

When she took charge, he was told he had been naughty and needed a spanking; which, of course, she pulled down his pants and administered. Until I saw that, I hadn’t really put the pieces together. Her words to him were hot, to me at least. They were way more arousing than the actual spanking.

Having a story isn’t about elaborate role playing. It isn’t about the keyholder becoming someone else; someone she doesn’t want to become. It’s about introducing just enough story to add heat. A simple technique is to add a “reason” for what you are doing. For example, reminding him that you think it is “cute” or “funny” he can’t get hard. Or that it is fun for you that he gets so frustrated. Your story is that you are enjoying his situation.

If you need inspiration, read some of the extensive chastity fiction that is peanut-buttered all over the Web. The key to a good story is that you, the keyholder, is inserting yourself into his situation. You are providing him with deeper reasons why his penis is in a cage. You don’t have to be silly or extreme, just do enough to get him to react. Every guy is different, but I’m willing to bet it will be easy to find a few simple things that will provide an extremely hot story for his lockup.

By:
In: Advice for a new keyholder, Advice to caged males, Lion's Journal

Enforced chastity seems to be one of those things that are exceedingly easy to quit. Here’s what typically happens: He proposes enforced chastity. He has been reading about it for a long time. Finally he gets up the nerve to ask his partner. She tentatively agrees. They get a device, he puts it on, and they begin. She decides to learn more and begins doing her own online research. She reads about FLR and what other keyholders do. She may have found our site and follows our growth. She gets more enthusiastic about enforced chastity and FLR.

Meanwhile, he is discovering that a lot of the time between his orgasms is not filled with arousing activity. Life goes on; only now with him locked into an uncomfortable chastity device. In the beginning, most guys get inexpensive devices that are less than comfortable to wear.  That discomfort moves to the center of his attention and he lets her know he isn’t a happy camper.

Our baby keyholder isn’t yet a confident leader. She’s doing what she understands to be her role, but he isn’t reacting the way he should. Then life intrudes. A job is lost. Someone gets sick. It’s time to move. Both of you are consumed solving a problem. Or, you disagree about something important. The new roles go out the window. Old patterns return. Momentum has been lost. It isn’t long before the device comes off and enforced chastity and FLR become memories.

I think that the reason this happens so often is the very nature of this experience. Enforced male chastity and FLR are full-time power exchanges. New roles are established for both members of the relationship. These roles are very different from the ones we have had our entire lives, at least up to now. So, if things get tough, the old, comfortable roles return.

The only way to prevent reverting is for one or both partners to consciously stop the slipping and put the power exchange back on track. Here’s where timing comes in. At the start, the man who has asked for enforced chastity is the engine that drives the power exchanges. His fantasies and excitement provide energy to his less enthusiastic partner. Over time, she will find her dominant center and the power balance will shift slowly. During this transition both partners can feel some discomfort and uncertainty. That certainly happened with Mrs. Lion and I. Things start feeling very real.

It’s at this stage that things can quickly go wrong. As he (me) is surrendering power, he is also feeling a little uncertain about what he has done. It won’t take very much to end the adventure. Both partners are uncomfortable. Why not quit? This the end for many people. I think that in many cases, giving up is the right decision. Perhaps there are important reasons to continue. Now is the time to discard the fantasies and take a cold, hard look at what has happened.

Things end in two ways: they slowly drift into disuse and quietly die. Or they explode like fireworks and go out in a blaze of rage and hurt. Enforced chastity tends to die of disuse. The caged male loses interest. His partner, not completely convinced the practice is what she really wants to do, shrugs her shoulders and lets it slip away. Sound familiar?

Tomorrow, let’s look at what can be done to bring the power exchange back to life and I’ll share some of the mistakes we’ve made along the way.

To Be Continued

By:
In: Advice for a new keyholder, Advice to caged males, Lion's Journal

Monday night brought both good and bad surprises. On the bad side, our dog experienced a siezure. She had one a few months ago as well. The vet said not to be too concerned unless they happen regularly. After comforting her and cleaning up her poop, we were tired. Later, 2.0 teased me and decided to let me come. It was a nice surprise. For the record, my last orgasm was 10 days earlier. I’m much more comfortable with waiting longer. Enforced chastity is just part of life and my mind and body have grown accustomed to this condition.

A lot of guys when they first discover enforced chastity obsess a little about this exciting new practice. You can read their excited postings on various chastity and BDSM forums. Some go so far as to suggest that all guys need to wear chastity devices since they make men so much better. They think that every woman will want her man to wear one.  I can certainly understand their enthusiasm, but there is a fundamental flaw in this thinking.

Some think that the Big Idea in enforced male chastity is that by caging the man’s ability to have sex, his interest in pleasing his partner will grow. This might be true, but it is hardly a reason that a woman would want to cage her partner. Think about it from her side. That claim suggests that the only reason a man will want to please his partner is that his penis is locked up and unavailable. “Oh well, I can’t get off I might as well make the missus come.”

How appealing! That has to be every woman’s dream. Sheesh! It sounds a little like a kid who wants a wagon for Christmas. “But Mom, if you give me a wagon you can use it to carry groceries too.” In advertising it is an imagined benefit: I want this and you should too, because…” That sort of reasoning, particularly in the context of enforced chastity, is simply not productive. The best, perhaps only reason, a woman would agree to be an active keyholder is that she believes he wants her to lock him up and if she agrees, it will make him happy.

That is the only reason that Mrs. Lion agreed to lock me up. It’s a pretty powerful reason at that. Let’s face it, the only real beneficiary to a locked cock is the guy wearing the chastity device; at least in the beginning.

In our case, over time it turned out that enforced chastity brought important value to our relationship; so important that Mrs. Lion will not agree to ending it. That benefit has nothing to do with increasing my sexual attention to her, or to me developing a sudden need to do housework. For the record, neither happened to me.

The actual benefit turned out to be improved communication that brought with it more intimacy and less stress In our case, enforced chastity caused us to agree on sexual control. I surrendered it and Mrs. Lion agreed to take it. There were no more hard feelings about my failure to initiate. She felt no guilt about failing to be sexual with me and no anger that I failed to initiate. The logistics of enforced chastity and the need to provide the occasional orgasm, forced us to communicate about sexual things on a daily basis. That in turn resulted in increased snuggling, endearing words, hugs, kisses, and general touching. We’ve been much happier.

I think that in the beginning, it makes the most sense to restrict conversation and expectations to the fact that he wants to surrender sexual control and that she agrees to take it on because it will make him happy. If you both keep it up, over time other benefits will emerge on their own. They may not be anything like what happened with us, but they will emerge. Enforced male chastity is a long term investment. The biggest mistake guys make is to look for short term results.

By:
In: Advice for a new keyholder, Advice to caged males, Lion's Journal
bloggers are like authors. they don't always tell the truth
The Web is full of stories that claim to be true. Reader beware!

There are a surprisingly large number of bloggers writing about enforced chastity and female led relationships and marriages (FLR). Two interesting sites aggregate various blogs and display links to their latest posts. They are Keyheld and Sheheld. I regularly check in there to see what people are writing. These blogs fall roughly into three categories: journals of experiences, fantasies, and instruction on how to do FLR or enforced chastity.

The journals are a mix of what seem to be accurate discussions of real life and fantasies couched as actual events. Of course, it is impossible to know exactly which are real, but a little common sense goes a long way in separating the wheat from the chaff. I’m not against fantasies, but a lot of readers are looking at our blogs for help on establishing real-life chastity and FLR.

The sites that annoy me are the ones that give “advice” on how to establish enforced chastity or a female led relationship that are clearly (to me) fantasies that have little hope of succeeding. Frequently these people write “guides” that they sell for very high prices. Often they use their own relationships to illustrate their advice. It lends an air of credibility.

What set me off was one post offering advice to women wanting to start a female led relationship. This advice, supposedly written by a woman, consisted of putting the male in a chastity device and then attaching a chain to it so he can be led around like a doggy. This might be a hot BDSM fantasy, but seriously, is this a change anyone is going to make for life? The writer, who claims to be female, goes on to say her husband is handcuffed if he is naughty or if she takes him out of the device. Show that article to your wife as a way of introducing her to enforced chastity and FLR. I’d love to hear the conversation that follows her reading. This particular post was so ungrammatical that either the guy who wrote it is functionally illiterate or English is not his first language.

The reason I get so upset at this is that men who have a serious interest in trying enforced chastity or FLR might think this stuff is real. The reason otherwise discriminating guys will fall for this crap is that they are so obsessed with the hot fantasies, they suspend disbelief long enough to show their partners these “guides”.

Let me offer a few guidelines that might be helpful when judging the authenticity of advice:

  • If the writer refers to herself as “Mistress xxx” she is either a guy or a woman who makes money dominating men. Often you will find books for sale or “professional” keyholder services on their sites as well. There’s nothing wrong with selling or buying these things. Just be aware that the person who is writing is doing it to make money by telling men things that turn them on.
  • If the writer gives a list of things a keyholder or female head of house must do, chances are very good it is a fantasy. Those of us real-life practitioners know that there are no rules everyone must follow. There is no minimum wait time, protocols, or things a guy has to do.
  • If the “story” seems too fantastic to believe, it probably is. Very few women invite their friends over to dominate their husbands. You get the point.
  • If you have to buy a book or pay money for help, be very sure it is authentic before wasting your money. There are too many sources of free information, like our blog, to make it necessary to pay for what you can easily get for free.
  • The blogger claims to be female and has penis or penis-in-chastity-device pictures. Not many women feel the need to publish penis shots. Some women do publish pictures of naked men submitting to a woman, but penis closeups? Nope.

I am not against blogs that are filled with fantasy and Fetlife adventures. They can be pretty hot. But it is important to understand that they are not real. If you want to introduce your partner to enforced chastity, understand that the more complex and sexual the introduction, the less likely she is to agree to try it.

It’s true that somewhere, someone is actually doing all those fantasy things. Some of those fantastic blogs may describe reality for someone. Who knows? What I know is that you aren’t going to be that lucky, at least in the beginning. Enforced male chastity and female led relationships evolve. They start with very small changes and over years can evolve into adventures that would rival fantasies.

There’s nothing wrong with reading and writing fantasies. I just wish people would label the fiction. I know they won’t. It’s up to you to decide what’s authentic and what is someone’s jerk off fantasy. Enjoy the wild Internet.