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In: Advice for a new keyholder, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity, Orgasm denial

I spent some time reading items I found after a Google search on male chastity. The vast majority of what came up are posts that are clearly written by people still in the pink haze of sexual fantasy. The thing is, these fantasies represent a male sexual fantasy.

Remember, male chastity is generally a game for two. To get started, the guy has to find a keyholder. Usually that’s his partner. He is obsessed by chastity devices. He’s been reading all about them. He may have even bought one. So, his conversation with his partner centers around putting hardware around his penis and locking it.

There are few, if any women who are particularly interested in chastity hardware. This includes Mrs. Lion. She locked me up because she wanted to make me happy; not because she likes the idea of my cock behind bars. I’m the one who likes that idea.

The reason for a chastity device, other than satisfying a sexual bondage kink, is to enforce orgasm control. Orgasm control? Yes, that’s what male chastity is all about. Just as BDSM isn’t based on tying someone up and then untying them. It’s abut what you do after they are restrained.

When you ask your partner to lock you up, the real request is to control your ejaculation and lock you in a device. You are asking for two very different agreements from your partner. This complicates things on your initial approach. I suspect this is why so many requests to a vanilla partner fail.

I know what you’re thinking. “But I want to wear a chastity device and be sexually controlled by my partner.”

I realize that. But there is a learning curve for her. Give her time to get used to the idea of a power exchange before you introduce the hardware. That’s quite a lot all by itself.

My suggestion is to talk to her about your desire to give her more control over sex. Ask her to be in charge of if and when you can come. There is no question that a discussion will follow. this request. She will want to understand what you are asking. That’s fair. This conversation will make all the difference. Here’s how it might go:

You: “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. It would be very sexy for me if you decide when I get to come.”

Her: “What do you mean?”

You: “I think it would be very exciting if you not let me come every time when we have sex. Let me please you, but you stop me before I can come. Also, I won’t masturbate.”

Her: “You masturbate? How often?”

(You probably didn’t think about this part.)

You: (Be totally honest!) “I jerk off  a couple of times a week when I get horny.”

Her: “I didn’t realize that. So, you are saying that you won’t do that any more ?”

You: “Yes, and I want you to make me wait to have an orgasm.”

Her: “Why in the world would you want me to do this?”

You: “It’s very exciting for me to feel your control. I love the idea of you making me wait before I get to come. Believe it or not, it turns me on.”

Her: “How long do you want to wait?”

You: “That’s up to you. But maybe start with a week?”

Her: “Really? A week?”

You: “Yes.”

Her: “What do I have to do?”

You: “If you want sex, I can please you. Just don’t let me come until the time you’ve decided. You can also tease me too. At least, that’s how my fantasies go.”

Her: “I don’t want to be mean to you.”

You: “You aren’t being mean. You are doing something I really want.”

It probably won’t go exactly like this, but you get the idea. She’ll want to know exactly what you mean, why you want this, and then how you expect it to work. The discussion is confined to orgasm control and nothing else. It’s very tempting to ask for more. Don’t. Avoid getting too deeply into your fantasies. Keep hardware out of the conversation.

When you think about it, the key part of this power exchange is controlling your orgasms, not locking your cock in a chastity device. If she agrees to try it, keep it about frustrating you. Let her see how much you like this. Over time, you can introduce edging and other teasing. It won’t be long before you can also suggest a chastity device. Again, the reason you want it is because it turns you on to wear one.

Keep away from the so-called benefits of orgasm control. Don’t suggest you will want to do housework. Don’t say you will be more sexually attentive to her because you are frustrated. No woman wants to learn that your interest in her is based on her stopping you from coming.

I suggest that if she agrees, you stop there. Obviously, you have to be honest and not jerk off. Don’t obsess over this. Resist endless comments about how horny you are. If she wants intercourse, remind her of your agreement. Ask her if she wants you to stop before you ejaculate. Offer to give her oral sex for her orgasm.

There is a lot of additional conversation that will be needed to help her understand what you want. Resist the impulse to discuss this. Let her get used to the idea. Gentle reminders of your agreement are fine if needed when she wants sex. Otherwise, just answer he questions. Don’t drive her crazy with anxiety about the power exchange,.

I realize this is very different from advice you may have read in the past. But, think about it. You are asking for a  big change in your sex life. The simpler you make it, the easier it will be for her to accept it and actually do it. She will ask questions when she is ready. Resist the temptation to show her websites, including this one.

One more point: Don’t ask her by email. I see a lot of sites that give you a form you can send her. Ask her in person, face to face.

Here’s the next step: Asking your partner to lock you up.

By:
In: Advice for a new keyholder, Lion's Journal

I believe that the vast majority of failed enforced chastity and domestic discipline attempts are due to an obvious-but-deadly mistake. I think it is safe to say that all of us have strong expectations when we ask our partners to begin kinks like these. We envision our mates turning into dominant sex monsters who will gleefully tease us about our inability to orgasm, while at the same time, demanding continuous oral attention. On the domestic discipline side, the fantasy is that our partners will become strict taskmasters. Even the slightest deviation from absolute obedience is greeted by painful punishment.

The problem with these fantasies is that they assume life will radically change as a result of agreement to engage in the kinks. This rarely happens. In our case, I had those expectations. Mrs. Lion knows me well enough to realize that if she gives me some time, I will figure out what will work for us. So, when we started enforced chastity, I was pretty obsessed with it. She gamely tried to fill the role I defined for her. We had fun with it. Very very slowly, my expectations changed to match hers and we have a lifestyle we both can enjoy.

I’m locked in my Jail Bird almost all the time. I have to wait for my ejaculations; how long isn’t important any more. When she decides to get me off, I come. It’s that simple. I report my frustration in our daily email conversations. It comes up most days at home as well. It’s fun for both of us. Frequent teasing sessions guarantee sexual contact. The result is we are closer. I think that’s perfect. My wish to be locked up has evolved into a permanent part of our marriage. My expectations have changed and are being met. Mrs. Lion finds value and enjoys the power exchange.

Inserting obedience and punishment into our relationship is evolving too. The main problem, like in enforced chastity, was my expectations. I had this vision of Mrs. Lion as a strict disciplinarian. I also envisioned punishment as very painful spankings with no warmup. We tried this for quite a while. Mrs. Lion lamented that she wasn’t meeting my expectations because she didn’t enforce her rules consistently. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t handle “disciplinary” spankings. Mrs. Lion could only get in eight to ten swats before it was too much for me.

This was really odd in our case. I am an expert at spanking, flogging, and other BDSM techniques. I was a practicing dominant and BDSM educator for many years. I taught spanking workshops. I set all that knowledge aside in order to realize my DD fantasy. Then I discovered the Strict Julie Spanks blog. Julie is a young woman who has been writing about her BDSM spanking scenes for years. She writes terrific, sexy posts about her adventures with her husband, sister, and friends.

What struck me about her descriptions was that she gave spankings the way I had been teaching for years. She used a buildup to get her husband’s endorphins up enough to accept harder blows. Her swats became harder in sync with his ability to take them. She also pushed him by frequently inserting much harder swats. The result was that she could have him in tears with a very red, sore bottom every time.

Technically, she doesn’t consider this punishment. My interpretation is that she is indulging her husband’s desire to be spanked with a twist. Yes, he gets the spanking he wants, but she gives him a lot more. The price for indulging his fetish is her much harder and longer sessions. She’s discovered she likes to beat him. So this is fun for her Of course, when the tears dry, he loves it too.

Her blog inspired me to suggest that Mrs. Lion use the same buildup that she did when we played in the past. Now that she does, my spankings last a lot longer with hundreds of swats. She still stops considerably short of where Julie stops. I think this will change very slowly as she “trains” me to take more. At least that is what I hope will happen.

The point of all this is that the kind of fantasy scene so many of us have will not play in real life. A pro-dom will be able to create your fantasy for an hour or two. If you want any of this to become part of your real life, you have to accept that your partner will decide how much she is willing to do. Mrs. Lion starts out by trying to do what I ask. Within a short time, she changes it to fit what works for her. I have to change my expectations to match what she is willing to do. If I fail to do that, she will feel like a failure and give up.

If you think about it, that’s exactly what should happen. These are power exchanges that give our partners control over us. That control is exactly what they are doing when they change the rules from our expectations to what they want. Our job is to obey.

Over time, Mrs. Lion has been getting much better at catching me breaking rules. Whether I’m in the mood or not, I get punished when it is convenient for her. Slowly, she is getting stricter. I imagine her spankings will get more severe too as she finds her way.

There is no “right” or “wrong” way to do any of this stuff. There is one thing that has to happen for it to work: you have to truly surrender power to your partner. If that means your fantasy doesn’t turn magically into reality, that’s the way it goes. All you can do is negotiate the power exchange, explain what you think you want, and then have her agreement to try it.

I guarantee that it won’t end up the way you imagined it. I also guarantee that over time it will change if you are supportive and accept her vision. It’s happened that way for me. Mrs. Lion continues to grow in her role. I am growing in mine. We aren’t different people. I’m still her partner and she still respects me as her husband.

If you are a woman whose husband has asked you to do any of this, I have a little advice for you. First, listen to what he wants. He may have done a lot of reading, but it is unlikely he has any experience. He is telling you his fantasy.

If you agree to try it, let him know you won’t be doing exactly what he asked. Mrs. Lion agreed to lock me in a chastity device, but didn’t agree to be a greedy sexual monster. It was all about me and my frustration. I had to accept that. Domestic discipline started out with my fantasy of how it would be. She listened and agreed to make a few rules and spank me for breaking them. Since then, I still suggest all sorts of stuff. She is generally willing to try what I suggest at least once. But she only adds those things that work for her into her tool box.

Sometimes that frustrates me and I growl. Once in a while I get spanked for growling. I think she should do that a lot more often. In the end, she’ll do what she wants. The most important lesson is that for any of this to work, there has to be lots of communication. Both of us have to be willing to try new things. None of this is easy. But it can work. It has for us.

By:
In: Advice for a new keyholder, Advice to caged males, Lion's Journal
don't climb on lion sign
The lion might not mind, but Mrs. Lion certainly would and that would be very unsafe.

As someone once said, “Free advice is worth every cent you pay for it.” Yup, completely true. What caused me to mention this is that I have been cruising the chastity and FLR web sites. I am astounded by the instructions on how we should conduct our lives.

I have to admit that I provide written instructions too. There are a bunch of pages you can find from the top menu. I suppose the aphorism applies to me too. Should anyone follow my suggestions? Possibly. How do you decide which online advice is useful?

The method I use is to analyze context. Does the advisor share his or her life? Does it pass the smell test? That test is easy. Does what you read smell fishy? From my reading, the vast majority of chastity and FLR advice comes from men who are writing their fantasies and pretending they are real. That doesn’t mean there aren’t blogs out there with pretty extreme content that aren’t true. One in particular comes to mind: “Monkey In A Cage” . This couple rarely offer advice, but extreme as they sound, I believe their content is accurate and any advice they offer is based on real-life experience.

Their approach is very different from ours. Of course they are both much younger than us and therefore have more energy and stronger libidos. How do I know? I’ve read many of their posts. Like us, mostly they write about their experiences. For my money, you can learn way more by reading how people experience your kink than you can by reading lists of what you “should” do.

The big problem is that people who are new to something tend to seek out prescriptive information that they can read and potentially follow. Because I despair when I read the advice in forums and blogs about enforced male chastity, I wrote my own pages that can help people get started. I think my advice is probably more useful. It’s based on our real-life experience. We’ve done everything we discuss. I’m sure there are many other completely valid ways to approach male chastity and domestic discipline, I know our suggestions work for us.

I don’t advocate our methods over others. Whatever works for you is clearly the best advice. What worries me are the fantasy-based instructions. I suspect people try to follow these and give up on a practice they could truly enjoy if they only had better advice. Please take the time to do your homework before you follow advice on the Web.

 

By:
In: Advice for a new keyholder, Lion's Journal

It’s no secret that the vast majority of couples who try enforced chastity give it up a short time after starting. I suspect that a large number of those who quit are guys who find the inconvenience and discomfort a bad fitting device too much. It seems to me that another large portion are women who just can’t get into locking up their men.

I suspect that almost every woman who agrees to be her partner’s keyholder has issues with the power exchange enforced chastity represents. From my male perspective, having my penis locked up is a very sexy form of bondage. The cage forces me to wait until my keyholder decides I can ejaculate. Even after nearly three years in a cage, that idea is still hot to me.

The problem is that from a keyholder’s perspective, enforced chastity is not entirely about sex. It’s about power; possibly unwanted power. The key to the cage carries the weight of her male’s most intense pleasure. He expects her to use this power for more than sexual release.

A lot of guys say that all they want is the delayed ejaculation. I don’t believe that’s true. When we give up control of our penises, we are asking for far more than sexual control. Look at the fantasies. They all tell stories of men who, once locked up, become docile, obedient servants for their keyholders. Often the fantasies include punishments for bad behavior. These punishments include making the caged male wait longer for release. The key to the cage is power for the keyholder.

I doubt that many guys discuss this when they ask their partners to lock them up. They probably don’t realize the implications of their request when they make it. But it’s there just the same. It doesn’t take long for the keyholder to realize that this “game” is much more than scheduling their partners’ orgasms.

This realization is difficult for many women. Mrs. Lion never wanted to be the dominant partner in our marriage. She didn’t expect to control my behavior in any way. Instead, she accepted me and avoided any situation when she was unhappy with what I did. I don’t think this is unusual. It’s called “keeping the peace.”

Enforced chastity changes all that; at least it can. The problem is that when things started there was no expectation that the keyholder would become a maternal authority figure in the marriage. But that’s exactly what holding that key implies. The keyholder controls her man’s favorite toy. He wants her to withhold his pleasure until she feels he deserves to have it. Sounds like female authority to me.

With Mrs.Lion and I, as time went by it became clear that enforced chastity was the doorway into a female led relationship. Sexual control provided the path to a much wider power exchange. I’m not saying that this is inevitable for every couple who embarks on this adventure, but it is certainly a strong possibility.

Sexual control is, well, control. The only way enforced chastity isn’t a power exchange is when the male doesn’t care if he gets to have orgasms. That’s not too likely. If this power exchange isn’t discussed, or at least seriously considered by the keyholder, things can go wrong. The man can start feeling resentful without understanding why. His keyholder pulls back and does the very least she can in order to “keep him happy” with enforced chastity.

If, on the other hand, both partners discuss the power exchange and agree on how it should function, enforced chastity becomes a positive factor in their relationship. That’s what happened with us. At first it was a tool to assure that we were sexual with each other. It returned physical intimacy to our marriage.

At the same time the balance of power was shifting in our marriage. This shift wasn’t very welcome for Mrs. Lion. She doesn’t like to be in charge. She actively avoids situations where she is the boss. I’m the opposite. I am almost always the leader.

As we continued with enforced chastity, I found a sense of security and peace as I experienced Mrs. Lion’s control. She, on the other hand, wasn’t very happy with her new role. Over time she has become more comfortable and at least accepts that she is in charge. We both have to work actively to reinforce her authority and my obedience. It isn’t easy.

We do it because this change has a lot of value to both of us. I’ll discuss that in a future post. The point is that enforced chastity works for us because we communicated as we became aware of the implications of her sexual control. We’re moving beyond that now. Progress is slow and often difficult.

What’s so hard about enforced chastity? It isn’t the chastity device. It’s the serious power exchange that wearing one represents. Is it worth it for you? Good question.