By:
In: Female led relationship with discipline, Punishment

I think we are moving into a new phase of our female-led activities. For one thing, I’m accepting that reality is very different from my fantasies. Mrs. Lion is never going to be the strict mommy/mistress I initially visualized. She’s my wife and likes me to be her strong, independent husband. That makes sense. It was who she married. Where does that leave our female-led relationship?

The answer is straightforward. We have clearly defined areas of authority that Mrs. Lion strictly enforces. There are just two now: She controls when I get sex of any kind. The other is that I must obey specific rules she has given me. The sexual area has always been a bit fuzzy. Mrs. Lion is very responsive to me when I tell her I am horny. She generally will either tease and edge me or make me ejaculate when I tell her. This gives me considerable control in an area I supposedly surrendered.

I’ve come to realize that if I’m going to truly surrender, I have to stop sending sexual messages. If Mrs. Lion wants to know if I am interested in sex, all she has to do is play with my/her weenie, and it will let her know. There is a risk if I don’t suggest I want sex. She could ignore me entirely. She did that for several years before we started male chastity. Locking me in a chastity device served to remind her that I was completely dependent on her for any sexual activity. With it off, there is no reminder.

There are days when she isn’t feeling very good. Her shoulders can be sore or she has a headache–a real headache. She’s justifiably uninterested in providing sex for me. I can’t argue with that. She needs to take care of herself. The problem is that if I am silent, I think she believes I am uninterested. She can “forget” how much I want sex if I don’t talk about it. In the past, I broke my silence and asked for sex. I didn’t have to do this when I was locked up. The device served as a visual reminder and did a good job of reminding her that she agreed to play at least every other day. [Mrs. Lion — It may have been a visual reminder, but I never actually looked at it and said, “Oh, that’s right. I need to unlock Lion.” I agree that there are times when I can’t remember if we played yesterday or maybe it was the day before, but I don’t think that would change with the cage on.]

Maybe we need to go back to full-time wear. I’m certainly happy to do it. I’m also happy to remain wild. I don’t cheat. It may be that Mrs. Lion will get the benefit of me being locked up. It’s something for her to consider.

The second area of our female-led relationship is obedience. Mrs. Lion has the right and obligation to punish me for anything I do that she feels needs correction. In practice, this comes down to enforcing two rules: no eating before she starts or gives me permission and setting up the coffee pot each day. In practice, the only time I’ve been punished is when I forget the coffee pot.

We both agree that I need more opportunities to earn punishment. We need this, or inertia will set in, and the disciplinary relationship goes by the board. If only I lost connection with my role, Mrs. Lion could correct it with her paddle. We both lose it, and FLR fades until one of us remembers. I think that we never really formed the right habits. She wrote about this yesterday. I think we agree.

By:
In: Punishment

I spent all day Friday trying to figure out how to get a literary agent. It’s probably impossible, but I really need one. By the time Mrs. Lion got home, I was bleary-eyed from sending emails to agents. I have no hope of success. Perhaps trying to be a novelist is unrealistic. Too bad. I like to write. I’m learning that being a commercially unpublished author is a lot like being an actor: rejection is constant. I need to find something less depressing to do.

Mrs. Lion has pushed back at scolding along with spanking me. I get it. If she continues paddling the way she did a few days ago, she doesn’t need to say a word. The paddle does all the talking for her. I have to be careful not to try to push Mrs. Lion past where she has to be. She needed to learn to disregard my yelps and continue spanking until her point is made. Adding the scold is more me trying to change things when they don’t need fixing. She is thinking about other rules, new or old, to begin enforcing. She agrees that the only one she has been enforcing is that I consistently set up the coffee pot. She agrees this is a low bar. I’m sure she will find new opportunities to catch me.

It’s time for me to shut up and let Mrs. Lion steer the ship alone. I know she is having trouble thinking of rules she wants to enforce. I’m not helping by discussing it with her. I have to trust that she will do it on her own.

By:
In: Punishment, Spanking

Mrs. Lion seems proud of her ability to keep my bottom sore for three days so far. It is an accomplishment. She has moved up to lioness 4.0 when it comes to discipline. We’ve talked a bit about the verbal side of punishment. I wrote about it in this post. I think that requiring me to beg and verbally respond during the spanking will be almost as difficult for her as it is for me.

The sort of mid-spanking conversation is a technique used by disciplinarians from time immemorial. It greatly amplifies the punishment’s humiliation and underlines the fact that the activity is being performed for a reason. I think Mrs. Lion might be challenged for almost the same reason I resist this part of the punishment: it makes the disciplinary roles crystal clear. It also underlines the reason for the painful activity. It forces me to acknowledge my transgression and beg for forgiveness. The conversation might go like this:

[Mrs. Lion spanking hard and me yelping]

Mrs. Lion: “Why am I punishing you?”

Lion: “I didn’t set up the coffee pot.”

“Are you supposed to set it up every day?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I forgot.”

“You, what?”

“I forgot to set up the coffee pot.”

“Was that naughty?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Do you deserve your spanking?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Do you have something to say?”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please stop…”

You get the idea. It forces me to focus on why I’m being punished and makes me humbly admit what I did and beg for forgiveness and for Mrs. Lion to end the spanking. Both of us have avoided this critical part of the punishment. Similarly, when Mrs. Lion inquires on the days after about whether it hurts to sit, she might want to ask me if I know why I have a sore bottom. This reinforces the lesson I am being taught.

aren’t there other rules?

As far as I can tell, the only rule being enforced is requiring me to set up the coffee pot. We need to review this topic. I know that I’m supposed to wait for Mrs. Lion to eat before I start. I do that consistently, so enforcement is either unnecessary or Mrs. Lion has stopped checking. Since I don’t wear shirts or anything else when we eat, the no-spilling-food-on-my-shirt rule is moot. Mrs. Lion doesn’t enforce the no-interrupting rule.

If we are going to get better at our disciplinary relationship, I probably need more opportunities to be punished. I know that Mrs. Lion likes catching me breaking the rules. We probably need to look at what behavioral changes she might like me to make. The only way we will advance to the enforcement of things that annoy her is to make the formal disciplinary process automatic. We’ve perfected catch-and-spank for the coffee pot. Now maybe we need catch-and-spank-and-scold for more things.

By:
In: Punishment, Spanking

Occasionally some readers will accuse me of topping from the bottom. This accusation is based on the fact that I offer suggestions to Mrs. Lion about domestic discipline or other female-led relationship topics. In the beginning, I got annoyed when I got such feedback. Then I realized that there is a general misconception about how disciplinary relationships are born and nurtured. Most people believe that the disciplined husband initiates a disciplinary relationship simply by asking his spouse to punish him when needed.

The underlying assumption is that she will automatically know exactly how to do this. After all, the fantasy is that every wife will understand exactly how to perform domestic discipline. That certainly wasn’t true for us. When I asked Mrs. Lion to take me in hand, she had some experience spanking me in the BDSM context. Those spankings were a form of foreplay. I asked her to administer disciplinary spankings, which I expected to have no sexual value. In my mind, it seemed a simple transition. Just keep swatting.

That didn’t work. It’s taken years for Mrs. Lion to comfortably discipline me sufficiently. To get to this point, she needed feedback from me. She never experienced disciplinary spanking when she grew up. For that matter, neither did I. It’s been a discovery process. This process is what confuses some people. I suggest ways Mrs. Lion can improve her effectiveness. In the beginning, when I did that, she saw it as a criticism. More recently, she’s come to realize it’s useful feedback, not a review of how well she is doing.

It isn’t easy to figure out how serious the spanking needs to be in order to provide an effective punishment. The spanker, Mrs. Lion, would need some indication from me that would tell her I’m sufficiently chastised. There are two ways for her to get that: The least reliable is gauging my response as the beating goes on. I believe that my verbal reactions should be irrelevant. Yelps and screams, even crying are indications that Mrs. Lion is reaching me. It’s not a signal that she should stop. We have a safeword if I absolutely need her to.

The second and most useful feedback comes after the punishment. I’m not talking about immediately after, but the next day or later. That’s when both of us can be more analytical. For example, some time ago, I suggested that spankings need to take more time. I felt they were ending before I had really gotten the message. Mrs. Lion took that the heart this week and provided a fairly long spanking. She probably cut it a bit short because she was having trouble holding the paddle. My feedback is that she’s on the right track. While I will absolutely hate it, I believe she needs to go on even longer. Yesterday, I suggested that sincere begging might be a requirement before she even considers stopping. Please note that I didn’t say begging indicated it was time to stop. It isn’t.

phases of a disciplinary spanking

Based on my experience to date, a spanking seems to have several phases. The first one is the warm-up. This is when Mrs. Lion helps me become accustomed to receiving the paddle. Based on our experience, this can take several minutes. My suggestion is that when Mrs. Lion decides that warm-up is over, she tells me that this punishment will begin. This is useful because there’s a sense of desperation I feel when I suffer several minutes of spanking only to learn my punishment hasn’t begun. The next phase is the punishment. This is when the swats are much harder and designed for maximum discomfort. They have to build up in intensity to help me avoid trying to escape. This is an area that over-the-knee spankers have much more control over. I’m not restrained in any way.

The punishment phase evokes yelps and screams and probably produces bruises. In my opinion, this is the longest phase of spanking. It should feel endless. My last spanking certainly made me feel that way. At some point during the punishment phase, I think it’s important to bring me back into communication with Mrs. Lion while she is delivering some of her hardest swats. This is when she can teach me to beg. When I began sincerely begging, something I’ve never done, we are entering the submissive phase. This is when spanking goes from something to fight against and resist into resignation and acceptance.

The purpose of punishment is repentance

I don’t think that means silently receiving the blows. It does mean sincerely begging for the spanking to end and perhaps some tears. I’m not sure I’ll ever get that far, but I am sure that if Mrs. Lion persists, my sincerity will grow. During this phase, it makes sense to ask me some questions like, “Are you sorry that you forgot to set up the coffee pot?”

Of course, I’ll answer that I am. Mrs. Lion can then say, “I don’t think you really are,” and deliver several very hard swats. The idea is to encourage me to work hard to convince her that she’s made me very sorry for whatever it is I’ve done. We’ve left this out in the past. It’s something I really don’t want to do, but I think it’s actually the most useful and educational part of the punishment. I’m at my most vulnerable. There’s nothing I want more than for the pain to end. Mrs. Lion will have made it clear that’s not happening until she’s convinced I’ve repented.

After all, that’s the entire point of punishment — repentance. Sincere repentance. Before she even asks me if I’m sorry, she’s already made sure I’ve been thoroughly spanked. This is the icing that goes on top. It should be the worst part for me and the most useful one for her. Classic spanking literature suggests that a scolding is the overture to the punishment. It’s supposed to put the person being punished into the right frame of mind. I don’t think that would happen to me. It’s when the punishment has reached a crescendo and threatens to go on forever that I’m most likely to beg for forgiveness sincerely.

Is this topping from the bottom? It isn’t. It’s feedback designed to help us perfect domestic discipline in our household. I hope that Mrs. Lion adopts this model. It’s probably the best way to make me let go and accept my role as her disciplined husband. I think this is a true, pure form of punishment without the least trace of sexual excitement.