I want to thank Collared Michael for his great post and review of Fan Mail. I love his blog and respect his opinions. A couple of small corrections to his review: I removed the spanking scenes from the story. They didn’t help the plot and probably would turn off vanilla women. Also, the cover is different. I reworked the art to be a little easier to see as a small image on Amazon. The second book in the series, Hacked, is more than half done. Writing fiction is hard work!

We have been sex-free here for quite a while. On Friday night Mrs. Lion tried to get me aroused. I don’t know what happened, but I wasn’t responding well. I imagine it’s the problem I wrote about in my post, “Sexual Charity.” I feel guilty when Mrs. Lion tries to play with my cock. It isn’t just guilt. It’s also knowing that it is work for Mrs. Lion. I have no idea how we can fix this, but all I can say is that what we are doing doesn’t feel like sex. Speaking of sex, the last time we had vaginal sex was in March 2018. On that occasion, Mrs. Lion didn’t feel turned on. She knew I wanted her to ride me. Charity.

There aren’t many ways to fix this. Obviously, if Mrs. Lion gets her libido back, we have our solution. That’s unlikely. The only other possibility I can think of is that she finds something that is fun for her to do that includes some sexual activity for me. I had hoped male chastity would provide her entertainment. It doesn’t.

BDSM is another thought I had. So far, I don’t think anything we have tried is particularly entertaining for her. It might pay for her to do some research and experimentation. Until now, I’ve been the sole source of ideas in that department. If I can convince her to do some concentrated research into things she might do to/with me that don’t involve sexual arousal, perhaps something might strike her as fun.

She enjoys catching me breaking rules. I suggested more rules so that she has more opportunities to observe and catch me. Nothing yet. She may get some pleasure out of spanking me. I know it isn’t fun for her, but maybe she could enjoy my reactions. It’s hard for me to offer any ideas. Mrs. Lion rarely lets me know what she does and doesn’t like.

This isn’t just an issue in sexual matters. Finding birthday and Christmas gifts for her is next to impossible. She says, “I don’t want anything.” She isn’t lying. Mrs. Lion has spent her life learning to avoid expectations. I’ve been unsuccessful in helping her have some. Maybe the pleasure she gets catching me break rules is progress. When she catches me, she doesn’t seem disappointed. She appears to be happy. I don’t think she is happy that I broke the rule. She won. She got me. Spanking me may also be fun in a sense she demonstrating to me that she caught me. It’s a game I’m happy to play.

I re-edited Fan Mail. It still has plenty of rather kinky sex but no spanking sessions. It is just too much all at once. I imagine that men had no trouble with the original version, but women might find the spanking offputting. I am introducing a radical sexual idea: sharing a committed partner with another. It is difficult to convince female readers to suspend disbelief when the heroine allows her partner’s ex-wife to get him off. I think it works in the story’s context, but I’m not sure a female reader could put herself into the heroine’s shoes and do that.

Could Mrs. Lion imagine letting a friend masturbate me? I could (and did in the book!) imagine that. But it feels like a giant reach for a woman to imagine herself allowing that. Even if she could accept the concept, could she take the bigger risk of including another woman? This is what I think is the biggest challenge in writing fiction. It’s easy to identify with a character who solves mysteries and does heroic deeds. That is standard fare for romantic fiction. It’s also easy to identify with a woman having passionate sex and falling in love. Going further seems very risky.

Fifty Shades of Grey combined female-submission with romantic adventure. It was an enormous success. Obviously, the BDSM included in the story would be a stretch for most readers, but the underlying premise is very standard romantic fare. The genre is full of examples of women captured and forced into some sort of servitude, only to fall in love with their captors. Grey is no different. The only variation is that our heroine is involved in consensual BDSM. The reader has to leap into imagining consenting to accept what will be done to her.

The vast majority of people can get aroused thinking of being in a submissive position, especially if submitting includes orgasms. Women, who are the majority of romance novel readers, enjoy imagining themselves in this role. The author of the novel doesn’t have to do much character development work to advance this story.

What happens if the heroine takes the dominant role? If we start with her being sexually dominant, we almost certainly have limited ourselves to a mostly-male audience. I want to reach a much larger female audience. I can’t explain why I want to lead the ladies into suspending disbelief and imagining themselves as dominant. I don’t mean BDSM-mistress dominant. I am thinking of a much deeper, more subtle dominant role.

My heroine starts as a vanilla, sexually inexperienced woman. She meets a man who is as inexperienced as she. He has an established problem with initiating sex. She senses this and responds by taking the lead. She finds the power arousing. Here is where I think the trap lies. Just because it turns her on to control sex doesn’t mean she is ready to discipline him. In Fan Mail, she gains self-confidence and a strong sense of security. One way she expresses this is to share her partner in limited situations. That is the big stretch for the reader.

Like spanking, it isn’t essential to the story. I see this story arc being similar to BDSM in Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s an expansion of the female role in the relationship. It’s a sexual expression of power and security. At least that’s my thinking as the author. I want my heroine to use her power in a feminine way to express the deep love she has for her partner.

The logical question I’m sure you may be thinking of asking is: Would I want this with Mrs. Lion? Well, the truth is that I don’t know. She is already in charge, and unlike the edited heroine in Fan Mail, she does spank me. She also does other BDSM things for me. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want to include anyone else in what we do. If she did, I trust her enough to accept. Just because my fiction discusses a topic doesn’t mean I am asking for it in real life. If I do a good job as a writer, the reader can see her/himself in those roles. When I read the book, I can imagine myself in the hero’s shoes. For the record, when I am writing, I am too busy working on getting things right to get sucked into the plot. That makes it fun to read the book from end to end once I am done with writing and editing.

Sex hasn’t been on the menu here for a while. I’m not complaining. I imagine that our situation isn’t terribly unusual, but it is difficult for me. About a decade ago, Mrs. Lion lost interest in sex for herself. She can have orgasms, but she doesn’t want them. I, on the other hand, retain my desire to mate. This is an obvious formula for marital problems.

The first three years of her waning libido turned into a sexual desert for me. Sex just faded away. I ended up masturbating for release. I was unhappy, and I think Mrs. Lion missed intimacy, if not sex. I discovered some cheap chastity devices on Amazon. They triggered memories of testing all sorts of these devices in the early 2000s. At that time, I found the idea of male chastity arousing. I had no desire to be locked up, but I loved testing and reviewing the hardware.

Here I was in November 2013, horny and bored with jerking off. I ordered a couple of Chinese-made devices. I had a good idea of my size, so ordering wasn’t difficult. Predictably, the devices were uncomfortable after less than an hour of wear. I persevered and found one that I wore for an afternoon without suffering any injuries. That’s when I had my brainstorm. If Mrs. Lion locked me in the device, she would be my only sexual outlet. I figured that maybe she would pay sexual attention to me if she was my keyholder.

I asked her to do it. She agreed. The rest is documented in the almost-5,000 posts we’ve written so far. The appeal of locking me in a chastity device has faded. Maybe it will come back, but for now, Mrs. Lion has shown no interest. To her credit, she makes regular attempts to get me off. I am very grateful for that. There is still something missing.

In a relationship where both partners are interested, heat is created by mutual need. The desire for sexual satisfaction creates a sort of gravitational field that draws the couple together. While humans and some other primates will mate even when the female isn’t in estrus, there is a much older pattern that you can see in other mammals. Sex doesn’t occur until the female is in heat. Males are always in heat but don’t get very aroused until a nearby female is looking for love.

In our situation, I’m the only source of heat. I’m a sort of sexual charity case. Getting me off has no value to Mrs. Lion. She doesn’t get turned on. Giving me sex is an interruption to her. I love that she does it, but I end up feeling guilty for taking up her time and energy. I think that this is one reason why it’s so difficult for me to ejaculate. Sex is a game that two are supposed to play. Both benefit. It’s fun. In our marriage, I’m the only one having fun.

No matter how hard I try to rationalize our situation, it comes back to the simple fact that getting me off is a chore. It used to be a joy for both of us. I managed to hide from this reality with a chastity device and the drama of playing with male chastity. The veneer was thin with that game. There was nothing in it for Mrs. Lion.

I know she will continue trying to get me off because she loves me. Just send $19 a month, only 63-cents a day, to give some fun to an old lion. I’m fortunate that Mrs. Lion signed up. I may seem ungrateful, but I’m not. I’m unhappy even though I can have as many blow jobs as I want. Sex for me is more complicated than agreeing I want oral sex and then getting it. I don’t have to do a thing other than to lie on my back. Is it wrong for me to say that this isn’t very satisfying? I love it when Mrs. Lion sucks my cock. I don’t like that sex begins and ends when I decide I want to start and when I say I’m done.

It’s sad when I realize that this activity is just one more item on Mrs. Lion’s to-do list. If she needs to do other chores, I’m put off until she has more time and energy. Nothing primal drives her to have sex with me. She isn’t having sex. She’s getting me off. Check. The lion is done for today. I don’t want to keep being a task.

Writing fiction has made things worse for me. I’m writing about interactive sex. It reminds me how much I miss my partner actually needing to have sex with me. Sex is important. It’s something to anticipate and savor. It isn’t a little petting and a blow job. Even that would work if there were enthusiasm and joy. Sex is a happy thing, sometimes an angry thing, but never neutral. If the enthusiasm, the sincere desire to give and get pleasure, isn’t there, then sex is a transaction to be concluded promptly with as little fuss as possible.

It isn’t Mrs. Lion’s fault. She didn’t decide to lose her libido. She’s a wonderful person. Despite no interest in sex, she soldiers on, working hard to get me off. That’s love and dedication. It just isn’t sex.

After writing yesterday’s post, I decided I should probably go back through Fan Mail and adjust the level of kinkiness. While Mrs. Lion and I have a domestic discipline relationship, inserting spanking into an otherwise sexy romance novel seems like a poor idea. I have to admit that the story flows more smoothly without the somewhat-jarring episodes of male spanking. It isn’t so much that spanking is to blame. It’s more that there is a lot of context needed to establish the erotic value of the practice. The book is already loaded with sex. I think the spanking scenes, while very hot to me, are probably over the top.

Since the first 75 pages are pretty much all about sex, maybe that’s over the top too. I’m not going to change that. Part of my problem is that I find it much easier to write sex scenes than to advance the mystery plot. I’m not sure what that says about me. However, I’m hopeful that the vanilla, non-sexual activities will become easier to chronicle. Maybe it’s a good thing that not many people have read the book yet. It gives me a chance to take in feedback and make adjustments.

I find it difficult to write blog posts at the same time I’m editing or writing fiction. Maybe my synapses become overloaded trying to write two things at the same time. Anyway, I’m discovering that the process of writing fiction is something absolutely alien. I love it, but it’s a lot easier writing about the real world than creating one of my own. Anyway, I decided to let you know what was going on in terms of writing since nothing’s going on sexually right now. If you haven’t read my book yet, please do. If you have read it, please review it.