I’ve been thinking about hurdles we faced when adding enforced chastity to our marriage. The most significant one I faced was accepting that Mrs. Lion isn’t going to ever take it as seriously as I do. That doesn’t mean she is not doing her job or isn’t sensitive to how I feel. It means that to her and pretty much any outside observer, locking up a man’s penis and restricting his ability to ejaculate is going to appear to be a kinky game.

When we first started out, I thought I was giving a giant gift of control to my lioness. After all, she was in full charge of my favorite thing in the world: sex. I thought she would have the power to, let’s face it, blackmail me into doing whatever she wants by withholding my orgasms.

There’s so much wrong with this idea it’s hard to know where to start. At the root of it, I believed that control over my ejaculation would turn me into a submissive male willing to do anything for a chance to get off. After all, that’s what all the stuff I read on the Web said I would become. OK, it’s true that I really like sex. There are times I feel like I would do anything to come. No, not really.

The mythology goes on to say that the longer I am prevented from ejaculating, the more desperate I will get and as a result, the more abjectly submissive. Nope, it doesn’t work that way at all. After a while, in my case a couple of weeks or so of enforced chastity, I start losing interest in sex. This is as nature intended. It isn’t a good use of my energy to want to get off when there is no real opportunity available. It’s a hot fantasy to believe I could be driven mad by the need to squirt. That’s all it is, fantasy.

One aspect of the mythology has some roots in the truth. If a guy is locked up and his partner wants him to get her off, he will learn to provide sexual release for her with no hope of an orgasm for himself. I doubt that many guys who want their dicks locked up are selfish lovers. I’ll bet that they would happily get their partners off without needing reciprocation. I know I feel that way; always have. Every. sexual partner I’ve had was also willing to provide me with orgasms without reciprocation. So, having a chastity device locked on my penis didn’t change my willingness to provide unreciprocated sex, but it did change something: It made it more fun.

I could imagine that I was orally pleasing my partner because I had to if there was to be any hope that I would be unlocked and allowed to ejaculate myself. Of course, that wasn’t true. Mrs. Lion, for one, never connected my willingness to get her off with unlocking me. Still, it was fun to imagine.

Nowadays, I am not locked in a chastity device. That state can change at any moment. My cage is on my dresser, ready to go on at Mrs. Lion’s command. But locked or not, nothing changes in terms of our sexual power exchange. Mrs. Lion is perfectly happy making me wait as long as she wants. She isn’t influenced by my whining about being horny. She likes teasing me; bringing me to the edge of orgasm over and over. Then, just like when I had to go back in my cage, she stops and says, “Not tonight.”

I’m frustrated with my erection waving in the breeze. But, cage or no cage, there’s no more stimulation. I’m not allowed to finish myself off. Any attempt would get me severely punished and locked up again. Mrs.Lion considers masturbating as a form of cheating. It may not be quite as serious as having an affair, but she’s made it clear, it’s close.

The bottom line is that male chastity is a consensual, shared kink. I want it because it turns me on. Mrs. Lion does it because she knows it makes me happy in a perverse way that she doesn’t entirely understand. It doesn’t matter.

Lion was given ample opportunity to come last night. I edged him over and over again orally. And then I kept going. And going. And going. Apparently I broke him.

I don’t consider this a problem. He’ll be ready next time. I’m not sure I’ll be in the mood to give him an orgasm then but he’ll get one eventually. In the meantime I get to play with him. And he gets frustrated. Win win. And don’t believe he doesn’t like being frustrated. I think that’s part of what gets him excited.

Lion is getting home from work later than usual tonight. He has a work function. He’ll need a shower and he’ll probably be a little tired. I’m not sure if he’ll be in the mood for love. I’m assuming we’ll just snuggle and watch TV. Tomorrow morning is an early morning for him. A continuation of the work function. Depending on how much sleep we get, tomorrow might not be a very productive night as far as edging/playing is concerned. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Whenever we play again, we can give the butt plug another spin. I’ll make sure I use more lube and maybe he can hold it longer. He never asked to have it removed the other night. I just didn’t want him to have it in for too long because it’s been a while since we’ve done any anal play. Better safe than sorry.

How do you think about your boss at work? Are you submissive to him (or her)? Probably not. Do you obey her? Almost certainly, you do. You wouldn’t have a job if you didn’t. You’re a member of a hierarchy. We all are. Let’s take it a step further. Would you do what your boss tells you if the task is unpleasant? Of course! If you absolutely refuse to do something that is too much for you, then you can use your safeword, “I quit!”

None of this is categorized as submission and dominance, though it certainly is. The reason is that the activities are not sexual or sexually based. If they were, your boss would be guilty of sexual abuse. What about sex workers? Since their jobs are sexually based, are they submissive to their bosses? I don’t think so.

The difference, I think, is that sex workers, just like any other worker, are paid for their services. Obedience to their bosses is in the context of the work they get paid to do. This is true even if the job is to be sexually submissive. I think it all comes down to context. My point is that what we call submission: obedience to our partner, isn’t such an alien, exotic thing. It’s actually pretty mundane, dressed up in leather and lace. It’s also not absolute.

When you take a job, you agree to the limits of your obedience to your boss. Generally, control is exercised only during certain hours and for specific activities. The same is true of a male chastity or female led relationship. I agree that Mrs. Lion is my boss and that in the context of our agreement, she can tell me what to do and punish me if I don’t meet her expectations. In our case, failure to meet her expectations gets me spanked. She can’t fire me; at least, not easily.

I think that one reason more couples don’t have our sort of power exchange is the stubborn unwillingness of many wannabe-submissives to let go of the mythology of sexual submission. Don’t underestimate how significant this is. Let’s consider a mythology-free approach to a partner to begin this sort of activity.

First of all, consider what specific things you want your partner to do. This is tricky. For example, if you want to be spanked for being naughty, this distills down to the fact you want to be spanked. If you want your partner to demand your sexual service, you want to offer one-way sex to her. You want to give her orgasms without reciprocation. If you want to be locked in a chastity device so that she owns any chance for an orgasm, you want her to lock you up and make you wait before you can come.

I think the key is to ask for the activity you want, without the surrounding role play. Make no mistake, much of what we want is role play. Mrs. Lion and I are equals. We share everything. I make as many decisions as she does.. Yet, we say we are in a Female Led Relationship with Discipline (FLRD). Sounds contradictory, doesn’t it? It’s not. She would have a very hard time taking over what I do in terms of leadership and management. Being submissive doesn’t mean I turn into the family dog.

Think about the burden “true” submission places on your partner. If the tables were turned, would you want complete control? I doubt it. The reality is that FLRD and male chastity do involve real surrender, but only over a limited set of activities. That doesn’t make it less real. But it does mean that from an objective perspective, the power exchange is quite limited.

This came to mind when I had a brief email conversation with another blogger. She has a very successful spanking blog, Strict Julie Spanks. She gives her husband very strong spankings, much stronger than the ones I receive. She does it because her husband asked her to do it. She discovered that she enjoyed the rush and has fun doing what he asked. That doesn’t mean he gets to control his spankings. She goes well past when he wants her to stop. He loves that too. She spanks him when she decides to give him one. He has no vote.

in our case, I get spanked whenever Mrs. Lion wants to spank meI also get punished when I break a rule or annoy her. Spanking is a consequence of my failure to obey her. My initial request was for her to spank me. That request was a general wish of mine. Initially she spanked me for fun, very much the same way Julie spanks her husband.

I asked Mrs. Lion if she would take charge and punish me for breaking rules. She could decide what rules I would obey and when and how I would be punished. We evolved to two kinds of spankings: the play kind that I had originally requested, and the punishment kind to educate me. It took a long time to get to this point. But we got there.

Mrs. Lion’s scope of control is limited. Because we agreed to have a FLRD, she decides what falls under her power. Essentially, she has full authority over me, but doesn’t choose to take away my decision-making power. She has the right to second-guess and reverse any decision I make and she can punish me if she feels I deserve it.

Note the absence of fantasy or mythology. She doesn’t feel the pressure of taking on ownership of every area of our lives. I don’t expect that of her. If she decides that I need correcting, then I’m punished as she sees fit. That’s our power exchange. It’s under her control. She knows spanking turns me on, at least before she gets very far into a spanking. So, if I’m not earning punishments often enough, she can create a new rule, give me a maintenance spanking, or just a BDSM session that includes spanking.

Her power is real. But she doesn’t bear the burden of deciding everything. It’s a sort of role play. The difference between what we do and a BDSM scene is that ours  goes on full time and that I can’t change the rules. I think that if someone interested in our sort of power exchange approaches it with this factual approach, more women might accept the dominant role. Also, more play spankers might add the spice of rules and punishments to their role play. The key, of course, is to recognize the reality of what we want and what we do and keep that in mind even when it is more fun to be immersed in the fantasy.

Lion took the butt plug with only a little discomfort. I’m not positive I gave him enough lube, but he kept it in for a little over a half hour. I didn’t want to leave it in too long because it’s been months since he’s had anything up his ass. Generally I leave it in for about an hour or maybe a little more. Any longer than that and I guess the lube dissolves and it makes holding it, much less comfortable and removing it, difficult.

Long after I was done edging him, Lion reminded me how horny he was. He thinks once I get his motor running when he’s not really feeling horny, he stays horny for the duration. I don’t know how many days he’s gone since his last orgasm, but I’m sure he can make it longer. How long? No idea. But longer than last night.

I’m not sure if I should give him another round with the butt plug tonight or not. If I do he’ll most likely assume I’m training him for bigger and better things. I’m not going to commit to that. I just want to give him some anal attention because I know he likes it and he hasn’t had it for quite a while. Not everything has to have an ulterior motive.