You Aren’t Her Agent

I regularly get comments and email (Use the Contact Us link at the top of the page to email) written by men who want us to help get their partners to do something to/for them. Many say that their wives would love to chat with Mrs. Lion and try to arrange the exchange. My standard response is to suggest that the woman write directly.

I think a lot of guys consider themselves sexual agents for their partners. It’s most obvious incarnation is trying to match make their wives with mine. The thing is that I do it too. I buy paddles and straps for her. She never asked for this help. But somehow I convince myself that if she had these new tools, she would like them. She just doesn’t know it yet. Similarly, I translate my own wish for friendship with other people who share our kink into her wanting it too. She hasn’t commented either way. But I just know it would be great.

A lot of my forays into the wild to find new things for her to try, stems from my insatiable curiosity. Invariably, my research ends up causing me pain. You’d think I’d learn. Not this big kitty. Mrs. Lion accepts my “research” with good humor and shakes her head when my new discovery makes me yelp. She can’t understand why I would want to make things worse for myself. OK, neither can I.

I’ve learned to temper this wish to act on Mrs. Lion’s behalf. It’s not because I have finally learned that I will suffer every time I come up with something. Oh no, not me. It’s because I realize that each new discovery I make feels like another burden for my lioness. She generally interprets any requests I make as a criticism of what she is currently doing. Why would I need a tawse if she was doing a good job with a paddle, for example.

It never crosses my mind that I am disappointed in what I already have. I’m not; nope, not one little bit. It’s just that this new shiny object looks interesting. Wouldn’t it be fun to try it? It might be for me, but not for her. It’s just one more opportunity to screw up. We clearly have a disconnect.

We’ve discussed all this a lot. Mrs. Lion allows me to do my research, even buy a new toy. I have agreed that just because this latest thought or toy has captured my interest, doesn’t mean it will become part of what she does to me. I get it. Mostly get it.

I’ve asked her to be more proactive. She’s listened. Her idea of this is to create new rules and tighten up some of her controls. It wasn’t what I had in mind, but it is absolutely the right thing. It’s something I truly need. I’m not her representative. All my ramblings are done without her requesting the new findings. I’m very happy that she will at least listen to what I learn.

(Visited 1 times, 1 visits today)


  1. Author

    Great post. I’m one of the men that you mentioned at the beginning of your post that reached out to you via your Contact Us link on your blog. Please note that I did not act alone, I was told to contact you, actually, my wife sat beside me, coaching me, as I wrote the email. She truly seeks to converse with a like minded FLR female but is shy and thus reluctant to initiate contact. Therefore, I am her agent, not by my alone actions, but by her orders.

    I also research, a lot, and struggle with finding ways to suggest new things without offending her or making her feel that I’m not happy with where we are. I couldn’t be happier. My suggestions are simply me trying to find ways for her to be more happy. I love the woman she has and is involving into. I feel we have never been happier and will never stop trying to please her physically and emotionally, This is my job.

    1. Author

      Your intentions are good, but if your wife wants to make contact, she, not you, has to reach out.

  2. Author

    You say… “I think a lot of guys consider themselves sexual agents for their partners. It’s most obvious incarnation is trying to match make their wives with mine.”

    And then in your conclusion you wrote:

    “I’ve asked her to be more proactive. She’s listened. I’m very happy that she will at least listen to what I learn.”

    Well, I’ll call that another reminder of how powerful perception is. Looking back at my marriage (which ended 4.5 years ago) I tried, increasingly desperately, for the few years of the marriage… to encourage my wife to develop some contacts with other women who might help her to find her own interests and develop them.

    But she wouldn’t or couldn’t bring herself to do it. Aside from one single (but sincere) post she made on a chastity forum (which happened not to get any replies in a week,) she simply internalized things. And she grew progressively more resentful at me for requesting her to be more proactive (which is what she said to me a while after our divorce,) and I grew more and more disconnected and disappointed at the fact that she didn’t seem to care enough to take that step.

    In the end, she became a Domme – though she has decided to become a lesbian as well. She said she knows that she’s Dominant, but just isn’t comfortable with “male energy” and though she tried to perceive me as a submissive, she simply couldn’t wrap her head around it.

    Of course, she did try to wrap her head all alone. And though she already identified herself as “kinky” for 15 years before we met… she didn’t identify herself as definitely interested in “lifestyle” until after she decided that she was gay.

    While I did reach out to others – not you of course, but others in our local community… she couldn’t muster the willingness to do it. And she is still like that to this day (from what I’m told,) internalized, shy… and private.

    I was not trying act as an agent, rather that way I saw it was that I was actually seeking a translator. Someone who could hopefully help my wife and I to communicate better. Perhaps that is too much to ask of anonymous folks on the internet. But I know that many of us put ourselves out there into the internet to communicate with others than “hey, you’re not alone” and even some of us do it in an effort to educate, or even help. I can’t even tell you the number of messages I’ve written in reply to men and women who are exploring male chastity, or corsetry.

    I’m glad you’re ‘very happy,’ that your wife listens. And perhaps even more importantly, it is good that you know you’re happy.

    BTW, you also wrote: “She can’t understand why I would want to make things worse for myself. OK, neither can I.”

    Well, I’ll explain how that aspect works for me, perhaps it will help you:

    Sometimes I enjoy things on a deeper level, because when my partner makes me experience something that I don’t enjoy I feel like I am really being dominated.

    Anyway, just my two cents.

Comments are closed.