In my current furloughed state, I have time to do some web surfing. Since we have just added “The Disciplinary Wives Handbook” to our site, I was curious to see what I would find if I did a search on the name. Naturally, there was nothing about our newest entry. I did find a few blogs I had never seen before. Some haven’t had a post in years. What interested me most was some writing about people who participated in The Disciplinary Wives Club.
I’m still unclear about how real this was, but the people I read definitely subscribed to its philosophy. What struck me was that without exception, all of these blogs were written by the disciplined husband. Nothing was written by the wives. I suppose this isn’t too surprising. Generally speaking, the submissive partner in a power exchange tends to be more vocal than the dominant. This makes sense. Being the dominant partner is more of a service to the submissive member of the relationship than it is a passion. Sure, it’s fun to be a top, but more fun to be a bottom.
I’ve been remarkably unsuccessful in trying to locate authentic female writers on this subject. I’m very sure that the female perspective is very different from the male. For example, being a disciplined husband is important to me. I think about it quite a bit and find myself wondering how Mrs. Lion thinks about our disciplinary relationship. I think I am beginning to understand her perspective.
Sexual Feelings and domestic discipline
Disciplining me is not a very important part of her life. It’s not a very important part of mine either, but it’s more important to me than it is to her. She began because it was something I asked her to try. It was quite a bit of work for her to learn how to consistently maintain vigilance over my behavior and to punish me when needed. It would be one thing if I had destructive habits like excessive drinking or taking drugs. I don’t. I believe I’m a considerate, loving husband. That makes any focus on a disciplinary relationship for me something that doesn’t appear to make a lot of sense at first.
Mrs. Lion knows that I’ve always liked BDSM. Since I’ve known her, I’ve wanted to be a bottom. Over the years she’s learned how to spank me, tie me up, and do other things to me that are exciting. Most of them are also pretty painful. It didn’t shock her that I wanted to initiate a disciplinary relationship. One of the more difficult things for her to understand is how it is different from the BDSM stuff we’ve always done.
I explained that in a disciplinary relationship we didn’t just have playtime. I was obligated to obey her and to follow whatever rules she cared to make. I had to immediately subject myself to any discipline she wished to administer. The discipline would not be fun for me. It would be painful and something I would try to avoid. I don’t think that quite registered when we started. But Mrs. Lion is a game lioness and gave it a try. She knew it would hurt me more than her.
I won’t go through the trivial rules we began with, let’s just say she figured (quite correctly) that I would break them often and it would give her a chance to spank me. It was more of a BDSMish accommodation to me than real discipline as far as she was concerned.
Reading between the lines in some of these older blogs, I realized that the disciplinary relationships they describe are very similar. In a lot of respects. The wives and husbands pursue domestic discipline as a sort of almost-BDSM activity. That is, the wives work to provide the disciplinary model their husbands seem to want. The Disciplinary Wives Club website was a really excellent model for this sort of thing. It laid out an approach to a disciplinary marriage that was comfortable to a lot of people who followed it.
The key learning that I got from it was that the focus was on effective punishment. It wasn’t concerned with correcting serious problems. It was all about allowing the husbands to voluntarily submit to their wives’ authority. That’s what Mrs. Lion and I are doing. The idea is that the disciplinary wife uses her ability to painfully correct her husband as a way of improving their relationship and his behavior. The reason the focus was more on the punishment, rather than identifying the crimes, was because these disciplinary wives, like Mrs. Lion, weren’t natural disciplinarians.
Without exception, every one of the DD blogs that appear to be based on real-life, stresses the need for very painful, memorable punishments. This focus is borne out by what Mrs. Lion and I need to do. I wanted her authority to be real. I wanted to be punished in a way that would genuinely influence future behavior. While the words may be different, every single site I read had the same purpose.
It’s Also sexual
At the same time, there was always a distinctly sexual undertone to all this. I get that too. Sometimes groups of couples would get together and practice discipline with one another. One event I read about (not sure it really happened but sounds like it might) was a Confessional Weekend. Each man had to write out in detail something he wanted to confess. When the couples arrived, each man was assigned to one of the wives (not his own) to present his confession. He confessed then the woman disciplined him.
Obviously, this borders on a BDSM event. It doesn’t have a lot to do with domestic discipline. It does have a lot to do with helping women feel good about causing pain.
I think it was much harder for Mrs. Lion to get into DD than it was for me. It took a long time for her to feel okay about causing me a lot of pain. She worked hard at it and I supported her efforts. Now, while it might not be fun for her, she has absolutely no qualms about bruising my bottom and making me scream.
After doing this online research, I’m much more comfortable with my role in developing our disciplinary relationship. I’ve been a cheerleader and in many cases, the architect of my own misfortune. It makes sense if you consider that there is a sexual component to this. That doesn’t change its disciplinary value at all. I may be turned on by being a disciplined husband, but I absolutely hate being punished. I recognize that these two things actually work well together. My sexual interest keeps me relatively docile and willing to get in position for punishment. The very strong pain I get during punishment is sufficient to drown out any potential sexual interest and reinforce the reason I am being spanked.
Until we reached the point that my spankings were completely unpleasant to me, the sexual value got in the way of the important lessons I needed to learn. It may be completely illogical, but this particular combination of attraction and repulsion helped us get where we are now.
What’s in it for the disciplinary wife?
I think that Mrs. Lion has a similar combination of feelings about our domestic discipline. I know she enjoys “catching me” doing something wrong. She gets real satisfaction out of being a keen observer. That’s her equivalent to my sexual arousal at the thought of being disciplined. She’s learned to punish me without feeling bad herself. I think she’s beginning to feel a sense of accomplishment when she successfully spanks me. It isn’t fun for her, but it’s part of what we have to do. This is the equivalent of my hating the painful spanking itself but liking my role.
Neither of us is willing to stop. For our individual reasons, we get satisfaction out of our disciplinary relationship. We are still growing. Mrs. Lion is still very hesitant to observe and punish things I do that are annoying to her. She is perfectly willing to punish me for forgetting a chore but still struggles with spanking me when I interrupt her or say something that upsets her. For my part, I think the real value will only increase when she’s able to do this.
All this reading and introspection makes it clear that I should feel fine about having permission to get aroused thinking about my role as a disciplined husband. It’s perfectly reasonable for me to get turned on thinking about being spanked. It’s also absolutely okay for Mrs. Lion to enjoy establishing things for me to do and then carefully observing my compliance. She likes that. Invariably, her increased vigilance will result in more spankings for me. That’s not a bad thing. After all this time, it’s still what I want.