I Don’t Want To Top From The Bottom

Last night was punishment night in the Lions’ den. I thought Mrs. Lion forgot about it. I was busy fixing our server. We had a problem that took the Journal offline for a few hours. When we finally settled in, Mrs. Lion showed no sign of interest in anything. To my surprise, at 10 pm she snuggled and then teased me orally. I was convinced that I was going to get lucky. I didn’t. It was very intense. When she decided that I had enough, she went to her over-the-door toy holder and selected a paddle.

She used the “new” technique: hard swat, pause for me to settle down, rinse and repeat. She continued this until I started to feel a bit numb. Then she stopped. This method allowed her to send a much stronger message. I told her that she had reached the point where she could continue to provide a more lasting effect. As it was, I felt the spanking for an hour afterward.

I find myself in an awkward position. Even though I requested that we try FLR and domestic discipline, it feels odd to offer advice on how to make my punishments more memorable (painful).  On one hand, I have a lot more experience with spanking and other BDSM activities. On the other, I am digging my own grave.

This dilemma has been bothering me for some time. I know it is unrealistic to expect Mrs. Lion to just “know” how to run a FLR and how to effectively punish me. She has no resources that she trusts to learn the fine art of lion taming. So, I use my experience and research to discover techniques and then suggest them to Mrs. Lion. We have been operating this way for many years.

The principle way that Mrs. Lion makes my suggestions her own is to extend the technique well beyond what I expected her to do. She has turned tease and deny into a fine art. It is far more frustrating than I ever imagined. This doesn’t extend to activities that cause me discomfort. Over the years she has learned to spank me hard enough to truly hurt. But she doesn’t want to extend punishment spankings to the point that I know I am not in control at all.

This isn’t easy for her. I am very happy that she has been willing to push the envelope as much as she has.  The challenge with domestic discipline is to truly punish. By that I mean the punishment must rise to the point that it is truly adverse stimulus for me. (I am not totally comfortable writing this.)  That doesn’t mean Mrs. Lion has to be cruel or abusive. Just that what she does has to go to a point that clearly communicates to me that the punishment is intended to express her displeasure and not be an extension of our “play” activities.

The reason I’m not very happy discussing this is that I know I am trying to make something that’s already difficult, even harder for both of us. I know that we are both in the “training” phase; discovering how FLR and domestic discipline will fit into our lives. At this point in our training, it’s not clear that we will make it work. All of the things we have done to date represent agreed rules and consequences intended to establish patterns that will become part of our lives.

These patterns are very uncomfortable for both of us right now. Partly that’s because they are new and are encroaching on areas of our personalities that we defend. Mrs. Lion resists being assertive. I resist being vulnerable. She doesn’t want to do anything to me that I don’t want. I like being in control.

Obviously, this is just the opposite of FLR. To this point, I commented last night about her post that said she felt we needed to permanently keep me in a chastity device. She replied that I had said that I wanted that. She went on to say that she was perfectly happy for me to remain wild. Does that mean I am caged because I want to be? If I say I want to take it off for good, will that be acceptable? Is this my decision? I hope it isn’t.

I think that the same is true for FLR and particularly domestic discipline. I feel that I have the ultimate power and that Mrs. Lion is going along with something I want. I know that to a large extent that’s true.  This is why we have the trivial rules; to simplify transfer of real power to her. I get it. But after nearly three years, shouldn’t my ability to call any shots about enforced chastity be permanently gone? I hope so.

None of this is new. Maybe it is because we have been successful in extending our power exchange that I feel I am taking a step backward. Or, perhaps we aren’t doing the right thing. All I know is that I don’t want to top from the bottom.


  1. Author

    Isn’t what you describe a true “dilemma” for everyone? You’re an adult, and your consent is required for DD and FLR. At one level, everyone is topping from the bottom. At her most aggressive, a wife can make the FLR and/or DD a condition of remaining married (I met one woman who did just that and have read about others on blogs I believe to be real). That shocks me, and I question a woman’s love for her husband if she takes that position, but it appears to happen at least sometimes.

    You can succeed in avoiding the day to day “topping from the bottom,” but ultimately you have the power to pull the plug at any time, and that power can never be exchanged. You can just decline to ever exercise it.

    1. Author

      I agree. Ultimately, I retain the veto. Of course, the risk of withdrawing consent for one thing carries the risk of everything ending. The fact is that I want Mrs Lion to have the control. I also want to be able to whine sometimes too.

What do you think?