I have a problem. Well, I have several problems, but I’ll deal with one right now. I feel like I’m in a rut. Sometimes I don’t really want to tease Lion. We snuggle, I unlock him, I edge him, I lock him back up. I know I can use the Velcro or ropes or clothespins, but I just don’t feel like it. I edge him because it’s part of our agreement. Now, I know this is stress related. My knee hurts, work is a drag, and I’ve started my second job again. Being tired all the time doesn’t help either. There’s a lot going on and I guess I feel like I don’t have an outlet for the stress. The time change makes it darker earlier and I just want to hibernate. I’d call it the winter doldrums, but it’s not even winter yet. I am working on this and not looking to discontinue any agreements we have in place. I’m just struggling with it at the moment.
The other night, Lion said something about liking it better when he’s wild. I told him there was a time that I wanted to allow him to be wild for good. He said it wasn’t a good idea. Things would slip back into the bad old days. I think that’s a possibility. Not a probability, but a possibility. So the cage stays. But that doesn’t keep me from reminding him that it was his idea in the first place. It was. He made his bed…. Of course, I’m teasing him when I say it. There’s no malice in those words. Just a little jab in the ribs, so to speak.
Last night was punishment night. Lion reminded me in the morning. My phone reminded me twice. Lion was in his office fixing a computer problem. He was so immersed he didn’t hear me take a shower. I don’t think he was aware of much happening around him. When we finally started snuggling, I remembered punishment again. I told Lion I could take care of it after I edged him. I proceeded to torture Lion and then I pulled out a fairly light paddle. He groaned and said he thought we were skipping punishment for the night. Um, nope.
The head of the paddle was wide enough to get both cheeks at once. I decided it was better to hit in the middle rather than trying to do a cheek at a time. I still don’t have any idea how many swats to give him for any particular punishment. I can’t see whomping his butt till he bleeds. I think any more than twenty would be far too excessive. He wants me to get to the point that he goes numb and then I can whomp to my heart’s content. What if I’m already whomping to my heart’s content? What if ten swats is all I want to do? What if ten swats is all I’ll ever want to do? What if I never get to the point that he gets numb and I keep going?
While I really can’t see myself going much further, I know all this doubt is from being in a rut. And being tired. I’m almost falling asleep as I write this. Maybe I just need to give it time. Things will work themselves out eventually.