There are times when I wonder why I am locked into this chastity device. Those times usually occur when I want to pee or when it is quiet around here. I think to myself that I don’t really need this device to refrain from sexual activity, but I do like the idea that it isn’t my choice anymore. I also wonder if our sex life would revert to its former, unsatisfactory lull if the cage came off. Then I wonder how much of our success is due to the cage or the blog. Is writing about our adventure also forcing us to actually have the adventure?
One thing for sure: without either or both of these things, I am not convinced we would maintain our current progress. I think that Mrs. Lion believes this too. Is it a bad thing that we apparently need these props? I’m undecided there. One area of concern for me is that we seem to be slipping on goals. Mrs. Lion wrote that she wants one orgasm a week. The week ends today and none so far. I have broken rules without a painful reminder to do better. I also didn’t point out these transgressions like I usually do.
We are both missing lots of little things we said we would do. Does that mean something? Did we bite off more than we can chew? One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I love consistency. When I am in charge, I keep things focused in a way that I find comfortable. In the past, when I surrendered control, I found myself getting upset when things didn’t go as they were supposed to. When I was younger, I would even regress and pout when that happened. That behavior was the main reason I decided I should top instead of bottom.
So, if Mrs. Lion doesn’t punish me for breaking a rule, how should I react? Or, if I don’t get any anal training, should I be upset? As an adult, I know that I shouldn’t. Mrs. Lion has a tough job being my keyholder. And, truthfully, I’m not upset when those things are missed. When a lot of things are missed and I can’t see the reason, I worry that things are not working for us again. Maybe the cage and the blog aren’t enough.
When we first started with enforced chastity, I worried that the very big difference in our sexual interest would cause things to go back to their former sexual isolation. After being caged nine months, it hasn’t happened yet. But there are warning signs; at least it seems to me there are. That’s where my problem lies. Is this just my old, overemotional reaction to loss of power, or is it an accurate analysis of recent activity? I know that Mrs. Lion loves me and wants to make me happy. That isn’t in question. But I also know that my lockup and her role as keyholder are things I want, not her. I also know that if I mention this to her, she will apologize and say she will do better. I really don’t want that. So what do I want?
I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Short of converting her into a sex-crazed dominatrix, I want us to settle into a consistent, comfortable pattern that we can sustain as long as we want. I want new things added to the old, not the new and old disappearing. For me, it’s better to have a few consistent activities, rules, etc. that I can rely on than a shopping list of stuff we don’t end up doing.
Every single goal that Mrs. Lion set for herself represents to me, a very good idea and something that has the promise of becoming a regular part of our lives. I dearly want to know that I can give Mrs. Lion some orgasms every week. I love that at least every other day she does some sort of play with me. I do like rules and discipline, but only if consistent. And no, I’m not being a toddler wanting everything at once. I just want to be able to count on what I am told will happen. That’s still really important to me.
I know that I’m caged for the long term and it doesn’t really matter if I worry, hate the cage, or wish we could have more fun. That’s the thing about surrender; it means that what I want or how I feel doesn’t really count, at least in terms of what Mrs. Lion wants me to do. I know she cares deeply about how I feel about things. But my surrender doesn’t require her to care, or for that matter, be consistent or work toward her goals. As my keyholder, those things are purely up to her. My challenge is to learn to gracefully accept whatever I happen to get.